Why do I always get the bad apples?

Dear BellaI’m 20 years of age with what I would not really want to call relationship issues but I hope that you can shine some light of advice to me on this one.

A couple months ago I met a young man of my age range(20-25).

Lets call him Mr A. He was very nice, extremely polite, quiet and handsome. Not instantly, but awhile after I fell in love with him.

I thought I was too quick with that because there were things I was later going to find out about him. Things like he was a distant (to himself) person, he was cheating and handled situations a little immature (maybe because of his age) and so.

Because of that I used to get upset and confront him and instead of answering or talking he would walk out and not speak to me for weeks and then when he pleased himself he’d come back speaking to me. It was the loneliest set of feelings I got.

It went on and on and I got annoyed and kept my distance.

I loved him, I did but the disappointment I got threw me onto rocks. Getting out of a bad relationship to a great disappointment hurt me.

I’m a good woman I do everything I can. I’m faithful, homey, caring, fine attributes(the list goes on) and I had to ask myself, why?

Why do I get the bad apples? Is it because I love too easily? So I had to end it and get over him because his actions showed he didn’t love me the way I loved him. It was long and hard but I got through it.

OK, it doesn’t end there, then I told myself this is it, hold up on the relationships.

During that time I met an international med student here (Mr B). He pursued me but I was hesitant. Getting to know him, I was amazed. I liked him because of his qualities. He was kind, very patient, he was gentle to all, he was humble, respectable and very christian in fact he even helped me get back to my relationship with God. He was very intelligent as well.

I told him about my past relationship but he didn’t mind, he was ready to love me with all of himself. Problem is his time was very limited and I honestly don’t want to drag anyone into my messed up self but he was a catch. I told him I wanted to practice celibacy and he agreed to help me. He agreed to wait or to go with whatever decision I came to. He never forced or really touched me to make me feel uncomfortable. He never got angry instantly and was ready to forgive. We were getting along well and I started to love him.

In the midst of all this going on my supposed ‘ex’ (Mr A) one day greets me with a news of he’s leaving the country. I was surprised at his news but disappointed with myself at the same time because our meeting ended up with us in the sheets.

I couldn’t ask myself ‘How did this happen?’ because I knew. I thought, here I am with a great guy pursuing me only to get myself tangled again to someone who doesn’t love me as much as he does.

I broke my practice and my promise to God to someone who I thought I had gotten over. I didnt love him again, so why? I broke the respect I had for myself. I felt horrible. My conscience wouldn’t let me and I felt bad. I told Mr B and he was upset but forgave me and said we would never bring it up again (which he never did).

But as time went by I became miserable with myself. I became angry with myself because my ex was constantly on my mind. I felt stupid for having to get tangled again to this guy who had already left, when I had someone who loved me. I felt even more stupid when I came to the realization that here I had a man most women wanted and I couldn’t love him the way I wanted because of the mess I had gotten myself into.

Obviously with all that emotional, enraged exasperation inside of me I couldn’t control my anger anymore. Even if I did tell him he wouldn’t seem to understand, I thought. I was tired of fighting battles with myself. I was bitter and mad and so I chased him away with my silly attitude.

But I found peace with myself after, I had resolved my inner problems. When I did I came to realized I made a big mistake (for chasing Mr B away) because he was ready to help me with whatever. I felt as if I was threw away diamonds and collected stones. (Sigh) Alright so I gathered myself together and thought I’d try to make amends. Too late, he ignored all of my tries and wont let me in for anything (maybe because I had hurt him).

Bella, what must I do? Must I continue trying? Or must I stop and continue to feel silly for what I did? Or accept that as a part of life’s learning process and move on?

Need Help

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Dear Need Help,

You need to find peace within yourself. You have not forgiven yourself for “wrong” decisions taken and you keep carrying them with you. Every relationship is ending up worst than the last because you are just carrying the blocks of hurt into the new relationships.

You need to stop building that castle of “I have done wrong”. Love, the whole world has sinned and done wrong. What is important is what you do after you have fallen. I think you have been wallowing in self-pity for too long.

Mr B is afraid of you because you are appearing to be this emotionally unstable lady. Do you think that someone who is climbing a ladder will be looking to be friend with the angry monster who is trying to eat the legs of that ladder?

Forgive yourself and move on. Holding on to all this, has even lowered your self-esteem because you will always internalize how many times you have failed yourself. You have to learn to see and know your “now” or your present moment. You mentioned a relationship with God, so being in a faith system, it would be good to seek the assistance of the Heavenly Father in finding your inner peace and to know the joy of Jesus Christ in your life.

Once you have dealt with your hurt, self-pity, low self esteem and all the rest, the right person will be attracted to you.

Bella

Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected] or [email protected]. Dear Bella is published on Tuesdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.

Copyright 2012 Dominica News Online, DURAVISION INC. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or distributed.

Disclaimer: The comments posted do not necessarily reflect the views of DominicaNewsOnline.com and its parent company or any individual staff member. All comments are posted subject to approval by DominicaNewsOnline.com. We never censor based on political or ideological points of view, but we do try to maintain a sensible balance between free speech and responsible moderating.

We will delete comments that:

  • contain any material which violates or infringes the rights of any person, are defamatory or harassing or are purely ad hominem attacks
  • a reasonable person would consider abusive or profane
  • contain material which violates or encourages others to violate any applicable law
  • promote prejudice or prejudicial hatred of any kind
  • refer to people arrested or charged with a crime as though they had been found guilty
  • contain links to "chain letters", pornographic or obscene movies or graphic images
  • are off-topic and/or excessively long

See our full comment/user policy/agreement.

34 Comments

  1. September 21, 2015

    well u still have the rest of the alphabet to go through…mr c mr d mr e

  2. No Bodies Child
    June 17, 2014

    Rev. it is good to see your advice on here but I would not be me if I did not ask with all the accolades you listed above does any one compare to fathering a child of your loins? Have you made peace with the Son from Kings Hill or did you do like your advice and leave it alone? Paternity tests are the in things if you are still unsure…..I am sure he is still pained by the way you left his mother. Was getting all your badges more important than being that father figure in his life? just asking……….
    Give advice I sometimes enjoy our pieces but many a times evangelist like yourself are really heartless….why do you think Jesus wept or feed a multitude? because he care, he loved he was pain. Do you ever think of the pain we as humans cause or is it that all is forgotten and forgiven since we pray….if God wanted us to forget he would not have provided the inspiration for the many who wrote the bible or recounted their encounter with him.

    • February 17, 2015

      No Bodies Child:

      Looking back over this page today I discovered your comment.

      I find it truly mystifying!

      I have never been in Dominica.

      I have never heard of Kings Hill.

      I have only one child – a son – who lives in Canada. My wife and I visit him and his family once or twice a month. They visit us.

      I have never left his mother. She has been my wife for over 50 years. We have lived together since our marriage in the spring of 1963. We are both ordained ministers and have been in public ministry together since our marriage over 50 years ago. Across Canada we have thousands of friends who know these statements are true.

      It is a serious matter to make statements like you made. There are simple folks out there reading DNO who will just assume that what you have written must be true. So I hope before you write something like this about anybody again you will check the facts.

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill, D.D., International Evangelist.

  3. May 31, 2014

    SmH:

    There is nothing “Christian” about the Klu Klux Klan. Its members were not Christians. Its activities were not Christian.

    If the Klan used or quoted from the Bible in their rallies it was only for show or to create a false impression and you can be sure any verses they used were used out of context. Many cults claiming to be “Christian” do the same thing. Satan was also the inspiration and driving force behind the Klan just as he is behind Islam. How do I know? Because the Klu Klux Klan was a murderous organization devoted to violence and bloodshed like Islam. Satan is a murderer from he beginning. God is love. Christianity is all about love, forgiveness, and doing to others as we would have them do to us, and this includes those who hate us, and treat us despitefully.

    Using some “Christian” symbolism did not make the Klan Christian. Cults and lodges often use such symbolism. Usually it mean something different to them than it does to Christians. Sometimes they don’t know what it means. They just know we use it and they want some kind of symbolism so they give it their own meaning.

    Priests wearing white robes? I have never seen this although I have seen bishops in white on special occasions. Nurses wear white uniforms. Other organizations wear white.

    You say you are a “Christian” but you “respect all religion”. A Christian knows the difference between true and false religion and would not respect a religion that denies the Word of God. Islam does not believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who died for our sins and rose again the third day. The Bible clearly says “Whosoever denieth the Son, the same hath not the Father: but he that acknowledgeth the Son hath the Father also. (1 John 2:23)

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

  4. sad
    May 22, 2014

    everynight i pray that god send me a godlyman and u playing games with b send me his mumber

  5. whydoweblameeveryone
    May 21, 2014

    Try Jesus he never fails. remember love done hurt, it is kind, gentle, speaks no evil. but the healing being with you forgive yourself, and let go of your pass, and please take it easy

  6. #IJustsaying
    May 21, 2014

    Well if you feel that way now, I wonder how u will take it when u find out what Mr. A went away to do. lol Buckle up!

  7. Anonymous
    May 21, 2014

    Yes, you will.

  8. ##Dominica.#
    May 20, 2014

    Young lady you are what you eat. Cannot expect to plant oranges and harvest Apples that why you should concentrate on your life. You need help A.S.A.P. I will pray for you. Sadly there are many more like you out there.

  9. May 20, 2014

    Need Help:

    Man A is gone. You are wise to forget about him because he had enough problems of his own to make him less than a match for you.

    You met man B who it seems could have been an excellent partner for life. You told him you wanted to practice chastity. He accepted this. The two of you were beginning to lay a good foundation for a solid relationship.

    Then you ran into man A. Instead of just greeting him you actually ended up committing fornication with him. This is what the Bible calls sex outside of marriage. It a serious sin according to 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and Galatians 5:19-21.

    You told man B about this. He forgave you. But your mistake (sin!) had done you damage on the inside and the negative emotions it caused eventually drove him out of your life.

    I do not like to tell people what to do. But here it what I honestly believe will work for you.

    (a) Leave man A in the past and have no more contact with him.

    (b) Establish a genuine relationship God. Regardless of what it has been in the past here is how you do it now. Please visit my website http://www.livinghopeministries.ca and click onto THE EAGLE COURSE in the right margin. This is a 12 Lesson Workbook Manual for New Christians. It can be studied from the screen OR copied absolutely free. Open it. Go to Lesson One. It is called LETS MAKE SURE. This lesson will tell you how to receive Jesus Christ as your personal Savior. Do what it says! Do it now! This is how to get saved or become a Christian.

    (c) Take some time to make your connection with God strong. Begin reading your Bible and praying every day. Find a Bible believing church that preaches salvation and teaches that you can have a personal relationship with God. Attend on Sundays or more often. Meet the pastor. Tell him you have received Christ and would like to be part of the church.

    (d) When and if you feel you are ready make contact with man B. Give him an honest up-date on your life mainly about your relationship with God. Ask him if he would like to give the two of you another try. If he says yes ask him if he is willing to re-affirm your mutual commitment to chastity. This is a necessary part of building a solid foundation for a lasting marriage. It increases your respect for each other and creates the kind of trust that is necessary for a lasting relationship.

    (e) If you are unable to start over with man B do not be discouraged. Sometimes in life we have to accept that certain things are simply not meant to be. Need Help, please understand this. God has a beautiful plan for your life. And it is HIS plan, not yours! Everything else that leads up to it are learning experiences – they are building blocks for the incredible future God has for you! If man B is not the one do not panic! God has the right man for you. If you let the Lord guide your life He will lead you to him!

    Nothing is more exciting than a life lived in the will of God.

    The EAGLE COURSE was designed to bring you closer to the center of HIS will – HIS plan and purpose – for you.

    Blessing!

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

    (

    • Unbaised
      May 21, 2014

      Rev.
      Did the young lady ever say she was married to either men? NO.
      She said she was in a relationship with them. So the only sin she was guilty of committing was fornication. OMG. Get your own advice column if you want to give advice and stop piggy backing on others

      • May 27, 2014

        Actually Unbaised, your comments were not well received

        I noted that you got 4 dislikes and 1

      • May 27, 2014

        Actually Unbaised, your comments were not well received.

        I noted that you got 4 dislike and only 1 like. By contrast I received 5 like (a well loved rating) and 0 dislike.

        Many of those who post comments give advice. But how many of them have a professional designation in counseling and have worked in the field? I received the Certified Pastoral Counselor (C.P.C.) in Canada and have worked as a paid counselor in a large inner-city church, and a big health center in Toronto.

        Some of the DNO readers appreciate my comments. I have received expressions of this in their comments on DNO and also emails. To my surprise I have even received phone calls at my office in Canada from DNO readers expressing their appreciation.

        So I am doing what many others are doing; using the opportunity to express myself and sharing thoughts I think may be helpful if they are accepted. If DNO Admin does not think my comments are appropriate they have the right not to post them. They could cut me off at any time. I respect this.

        I have had four small books published. Two self published and two published by publishing companies. My articles have been published in over 40 newspapers and magazines in Canada and the USA. Some of these submissions I have been paid for. I write from a Christian perspective for the purpose of sharing the gospel and sound Biblical principles for living . I will do it at every opportunity to the fullest extent my time and health allow.

        Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill, International Evangelist.

        http://www.livinghopeministries.ca

  10. LOL
    May 20, 2014

    Anyway my girl all that not tht.. I am Mr.C and I going away tomorrow ..WAT IS DE SIN…we can meet on the pillows not even the sheets..wat you saying.. A GET B GET..so C me my gurl..You know is that you looking for…you playing holy and celibate and Mr B lying lolol..he not going anywhere..he know is that you wanted to hear..and you soft for him..so he give you de sad story….you lucky after he dough tell you he have Aids..

  11. LOL
    May 20, 2014

    You go an put urself with Abassador A..DA YOUR BIZNESS WII..

  12. UDOHREADYET
    May 20, 2014

    too many feelings and emotions and stuff. you should at least focus a larger percentage of your thoughts/life on your goals (education, travel and career) etc. You’re still young, all this emotional nonsense will seem stupid as you get older.

  13. i must speak
    May 20, 2014

    i feel ur pain but like they say, take some time off and reconnect with the finer qualities that you have buried too deep.
    who knows, Mr. B may just come walking back or maybe you may have to seek him out!
    dont be afraid to! you are the looser, take ur courage and try again.

  14. Anonymous
    May 20, 2014

    The most obvious answer is you will always get the bad apples if you keep picking the bad apples. You have to kiss a lot of toads before you get a prince. Never kiss and tell – theres no need to tell a current boyfriend about a past boyfriend since everyone has a past. And, finally, give yourself a break! You’re only 20 years old.

  15. ^
    May 20, 2014

    I need a good man. How can i get one?
    Bella i need advice.

    • May 20, 2014

      I am not Bella but here is my answer.

      Forget about getting.

      Concentrate on becoming the kind of woman a “good” man would want for a wife.

      We draw to us the kind of person we are ourselves. Be a respectable woman who honors God’s moral code in the New Testament; an ambitious person with a purpose and sense of direction life; a caring lady who has an evident interest in “the man”, and shows that she shares his interests and wants what is best for him.

      Work at it!

      Make yourself attractive in a modest sort of way. Remember you are trying to meet a “good” man! This will be a man who you would want to spend he rest of our life with; a man who will be faithful to you.

      Go to places where “good” men will be. Keep away from the places where the low life crowd hang out. Naturally, this narrows your choices of places to go. But you make up for this by going more often.

      Nature (or God) will do the rest.

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

      .

    • c
      July 10, 2014

      C me my girl here am i a good man right in yr face

  16. Muslim_Always
    May 20, 2014

    Young lady, perhaps you need to find an alternative to your spiritual life. http://www.whyislam.org or http://www.islamreligion.com

    • UDOHREADYET
      May 20, 2014

      Muslims hanging women and whipping pregnant women because of their religious beliefs and you want a woman to join. Islam is like a cult easy to join but you can never leave!

      • May 21, 2014

        The behavior of Muslims against women would be criminal activity anywhere except in a Muslim nation. :oops:

        “Muslim hanging women and whipping pregnant women…” :cry:

        This reveals the heart and soul of Islam. Yet Islamic organizations continue to do damage control, and present attractive websites 8-O that would be the envy of any large secular corporation using the world’s best promotion techniques :roll: to sell the bloodiest and most murderous “religion” on earth.

        Satan :twisted: is a murderer from the beginning. He is the inspiration and driving force behind Islam.

        Jesus said… “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6)

        Peter declared, “Neither is here salvation in any other: for there is none other under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved.” (Acts 4:12)

        Sincerely., Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

    • May 20, 2014

      Muslim Always:

      Please stop referring women to Islam. No religion on earth has done more to hurt women or bring them down than Islam. People know this. You are only losing credibility.

      Thousands of Muslim women have fled from Muslim countries to find a better life in Canada. Here they can go to school. They can enter the professions and become a teacher, a lawyer, or a doctor. They can get government jobs along with their brothers. They can answer he door without a veil over their face, and walk to the corner store without being escorted by their husband or a male relative. In Canada they need not be afraid of female circumcision or of an honor killing. Rest assured that these ladies are not recommending Islam to the women of Canada.

      Over 200 young girls in Nigeria were kidnapped by Muslims and told they will be sold as sex slaves if the terrorists do not get what they want. These girls would not and will not recommend Islam to women.

      Christ Himself elevated women and treated them as equals with men. Christianity honors women. They are our mothers, sisters, wives, and co-workers.

      The gospel (good news) of Jesus Christ I preach is gender inclusive. It offers to both men and women the forgiveness of sins, peace with God, and eternal life. It is the way of love. Love for God, and love for each other. It teaches us to love our enemies, even those who hate us and persecute us. This love was demonstrated by Jesus as He hung on the cross and asked God to forgive His tormentors.

      Islam has nothing that is attractive to those who have encountered the Nazarene – the risen Christ – and received Him. It has nothing to offer Christians either men or women.

      But Muslim Always, God loves you. Jesus is waiting for you. He will bring you into a loving personal relationship with Himself and the Father.

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

      • Smh
        May 21, 2014

        Reverend you out of your Place..so if people using the name and teaching of Islam to commit these Acts the religion and it core teachings need to be Blamed…Christian commit acts of Terrorism ..Ku Klux Klan were all Christian..The Klan attempted to imitate church-like symbology. Members would wear white robes, much like Catholic priests. They would also quote the Bible at rallies and invoke verses in order to spread hatred and kill innocent people…If being a Muslim makes you a better person who is you to say all this..See what those Reverend doing now…disrespecting people wives and having sex with minors preying on the week and selling the word..I will not blame the religion….we have perfect commandments of peace that imperfect men are trying to live by and that is the problem..I am a christian but I respect all religion that spread Love and Respect..and I will not blame a religion for the wrong doings of the Church which is the People..

  17. DC
    May 20, 2014

    You seem to be choosing the bad apples. I understand that you are still young and may need to learn the hard way, however, there are many who are older than you who keep making the same mistake. This should be a learning experience. Quite often, we tend to choose the players over the gentlemen. Young lady, take some time out for reflection and introspection. Love God, love yourself, and when you decide to give love a try again, please proceed with caution. There are still some caring, loving, gentleman out there. Do not settle for less! All the best!

  18. sis m
    May 20, 2014

    Seek yea first the kingdom of God and his righteousness for your life and all other things your heart desire zGof will grant it to you.Give your life to Jesus Christ and you will have no regrets about your life.the devil will always send one in disguise when you chose on your own.amen

  19. Massacre Girl Abroad
    May 20, 2014

    “Why do I always get the bad apples?” has nothing to do with your story. You had a sweet and tasty apple but you throw it away for an apple full of worms. Some of us don’t know what we have until it’s gone! It’s obvious that you are still in love with your ex, so Mr. B ran as fast as he could so you could deal with your own issues. Don’t get into another relationship if you’re still stuck in the past or else you’re going to keep hurting yourself and other people.

    • UDOHREADYET
      May 20, 2014

      you should have offered this advice before she made the mistake not after!

  20. suprised
    May 20, 2014

    while youre trying to resolve things with yourself feel free to give me mr b contact info…hello

    • SMH
      May 20, 2014

      *DEAD* :lol: :lol:

  21. grell
    May 20, 2014

    Your confused and boring get your life in order.

    • Horrified
      May 21, 2014

      Hi Grell

      You appear to be an uncharitable and sanctimonious being.

      If you do no have anything constructive to impart, please refrain from posting such Boring comments.

      Young lady, none of us are infallible. I hope that you find the happiness you deserve.

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

:) :-D :wink: :( 8-O :lol: :-| :cry: 8) :-? :-P :-x :?: :oops: :twisted: :mrgreen: more »

 characters available