Bothered by late night phone calls

Dear Bella: I live with my boyfriend and our two-year-old son.   We have had our issues but managed, somehow, to get over them.  But there is one thing.  He has a woman calling him every night at 11 p.m.

I have spoken to him about it, expressed my dissatisfaction, and told him that he is disrespecting me, but he doesn’t agree.  He tells me, he cannot tell his friends what time to call him!!!  And that it is HIS phone! He tells me I want to control him!

To add insult to injury, recently, when she called at about 10:30, we were already in bed, watching TV, he told her that he would call her back, obviously, because I was there.  At about 11 p.m., he left the bed, went outside to his car, made his call, and stayed speaking to her for about 30 minutes!

I find that totally disgusting, and yes, lack of respect for me, and the relationship that I share with him.   Note, this is not the only time he has done it. He doesn’t want to ask the woman stop.  I have concluded that she is more important to him than his own family. So, I have asked him to leave the house.  It’s my apartment.

My question is, for the sake of the child, do you believe it is a wise decision? Our son is very attached to him, and asks for his daddy, whenever his daddy is not around.  Do you think that my decision will have an effect on him?

Dear Madam: Your decision may have been too hasty. Remember, you are not the only one who will be affected. As you pointed out, your son is very attached to his dad. Such a move will undoubtedly affect him, he is too young to understand what is going on and may even feel that he is somehow responsible for his dad’s departure.

Furthermore, you have little proof that the calls are from someone other than a ‘friend’. Has your boyfriend left the house to meet with his late night caller? Remember, although you are in a relationship he will feel better if he feels that he has his own space to explore activities and friendships outside of the relationship. You should be doing the same.

Finally, my advice to you is to wait until you have more concrete evidence of an inappropriate relationship between your boyfriend and his late night caller. Don’t allow your emotions to propel you into a decision that you may later regret.

Bella
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35 Comments

  1. June 4, 2014

    This was four years ago so I expect the problem is either solved by now or it has gone from bad to worse.

    However, I am sharing these facts in case you are still with this man, also for other women who may be in the same circumstances.

    You are living with and having sex with this man you are not married to. This is the sin the Bible calls fornication. It clearly says “…they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:19-21)

    Naturally he is not a man you could trust. If he would fornicate with you of course he would fornicate with another woman. There is no security in this kind of a relationship. Even at this time you don’t know how many other women he may be seeing. He does not belong to you any more than he belongs to any another woman. Men who think it is O.K. to have sex outside of marriage have been known to have sex (and children to) with women all over the country.

    You have a right to think this telephone relationship is serious . A man might receive an innocent phone call from somebody late at night. But theses calls are coming every night at he same time. Also, if they were legitimate calls he would (a) gladly tell you about them, and (b) he would not care if you heard the conversation, and (c) he would have by now told this person not to call his house especially late at night. In fact he would have stopped her from calling at any time.

    Ask yourself “Is this the kind of man I want to marry?” If he would behave this way now it is not likely he will change for the better after he marries you. It may be he has no intention of marrying you.

    People are saying you should stick with him for the sake of he child. However, you are in a sinful relationship. Do you want to continue in this mess? He is getting somebody to keep house, cook, and raise his child, not to mention sex. Yet he doesn’t care enough about you to put a wedding ring on your finger and give you his name. On top of this he has given you reasons to believe he is being unfaithful.

    People are saying, “For the sake of the child… ” But you have to decide if this is the best atmosphere in which to raise a child. Your son will learn that a Mom and Dad are suppose to be married. He will also come to know that a husband is not suppose to mess with another woman. Little boys are inclined to want to be like their Dads, and follow in their footsteps.

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

  2. MissDanger
    March 12, 2011

    What for u to do is take him back and make one of ur guy frends call u every night too lol idk nuh but bella awa wi i disagree with ur advice.

  3. Sam
    March 7, 2010

    Unbelievably crap advice

    Basically asking OP to be a doormat.

    What further evidence does the girl need? She doesn’t even know who it is calling as he won’t or hasn’t told her!!

    Rethink your advice Bella and resubmit.

  4. N♥
    February 10, 2010

    LOL @smoothie650

  5. smoothie650
    February 10, 2010

    Awwa, I doh agree with Bella this time nah!!! You got it wrong Bella…. More proof!!! Makes me wonder if its not you calling this guy… LOL

  6. big snake
    February 7, 2010

    i find some fellas is just some real a**holes eno. some wanna be players but dont know … about the game. how u have another woman calling u at that time and not expect her to get suspicious when u leaving to go talk in your ride. guy doe know he have to take care of the one in the home especially when is not even ur home. jah dread. some fellas does just give real niggas bad name. kick his a** out.

  7. N♥
    February 6, 2010

    @Straight B: I agree!
    I really wondered what more concrete proof that Ms Bella is talking about. Sort of sounds like when the police says they cannot do anything till the crime is comitted. Humph

  8. ma beff
    February 5, 2010

    ..
    we all no if the shoe was on the other foot there would be no looking for proof , so
    woman it is best to let go of this man before it becomes worst and ur child have to
    see drama .he will get used to it.
    women stand up ur place and he even being dis respectfull

    that man is a shameless thing

  9. Straight B
    February 5, 2010

    I really find Bella losing her talent eh, she does give some real **** up advice these, explain to me MissBella, how a man has a woman calling him at 11:00 p.m at night, he goes into his car away from prying ears to talk to this woman, he has not respected the fact tht it bothers his woman and refuses to tell the woman to stop, WHAT MORE PROOF mamsele need, something is definitely going on and it is stupid of you to tell her tht she needs to calm down until she gets more proof, maybe she didnt need to put him outside but put his lying *** in another room, AWAY FROM HER!! Miss Bella get ur head on straight dred!!

  10. February 5, 2010

    A GOOD LICK STICK HE WANT BEHIND HIS HEAD……………..SOON HE WILL BRING HER IN THE HOUSE WHILE U THERE IT SEEMS.

  11. February 5, 2010

    he leaving the house and go out in the car to talk to her……………pupa lawd……………this man yah nuh ha no mannars………………..

  12. February 5, 2010

    When he leave to go outside to take his calls just lock his @$$ out and throw his belongings out the window……………………too man time we tolerate too much crap from men……….if it was u doing that you would hear all what he would have to say………..he should have some respect for you ,enough that if he doesnt want u he would say so………….u not no second best.

    Anytime a man ALWAYS have his phone on silent
    Always running in bathroom or other places to hide to make or answer calls
    Phone calls odd hours everynight

    BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. abroad
    February 5, 2010

    Woman I agree with you kick his butt out even if it is not another woman calling him it is still very disrespectful of him. Who knows might be a drug deal or something whatever it is this is no good. And as for your 2 year old son, he is still young won’t be bothered by his father not being there for too long he will get used to it and because his father is noy living sith him does not mean that he is out of his life. could still seehis dad everyday depending on how far apart you all live. Coodos to you. Did the right thing!

  14. Thumbs up
    February 5, 2010

    I can’t put it in no other way then what i’ve already read, but girlfriend you did an exceptional job of sending this man to the kirb, as you heard it from the men themselves, especially from a married man’s point of view something is precisely wrong, this man needs to show you the same respect he so desires from you . It’s obvious that there is no trust in this relationship, if there was you would not write to bella, a relationship without trust is like walking with any feet, it won’t work. On another note i’m not going to be basis, look at it from his stand point, mayb you all have been having problems but they never occured to you and instead of facing you like a man, he turns to another woman, some men are men only by name but when it comes down to business they don’t have the stamina to be a man and face their issues.

    My best advice to you is talk to him. find out the real reason that this is going on, but do not allow him disrespect you, let him have a relationship with his son and with you, it doesn’t make sense that you all don’t speak when you share a child together.

    Do what you have to do but don’t let this innocent child get in the middle.

  15. N♥
    February 5, 2010

    Many times in life, we like to look at the big problem, after all the damage is done. I took my man for granted, and at the end, when he reacted, everyone blamed him, but no one knew the little things that i did to ‘change ‘ him. Luckily, we’ve found eachother again, and I am grateful for the break.

    Right now, U arguing with him is just going to move him closer to whomever he is speaking to ( it is needless top say that it’s more than just a ‘friend’.), so it’s best to let it go.

    Take a break, it is healthier for you and your son. Besides, trying to hold on to something that is broken will only leave U with scars. Look in, be true to yourself, and the right person, maybe that same person. will find U. Good Luck

  16. Young Man in Dominica
    February 5, 2010

    Thank you miss China plaese tell them they are making non sense i could not have said it better my self finally a woman with some brains

  17. Kandia
    February 5, 2010

    I am sorry Bella…..but I do not agree with you. If he has to leave the room to answer the call, as the old folks say, ‘more in de mortar dan de pestle’. He is up to something. He has no respect for you. Why should the caller? Talk to him and let him know that you are displeased. I things do not change, make the choice that is best for you.

    I am no professional but I feel that the child is too young to feel any sense of responsibility. Let him take care of his child financially and allow him to spend time with him. Do not deny that connection. However, you do not have to feel that you should live unhappily because of the child. Would the child really be happy with parents who are not happy together?

    After time has passed, you will realize that you and your son are better off without him and his late nite caller.

  18. February 5, 2010

    hmmm. I hope is really a real flesh and blood woman that giving you competition there. Have you heard the person’s voice? Or he just tell you is a woman friend of his??? How you so sure is not a male ‘friend’ that calling him every night??? Just hope mister not bisexual.

    But doh worry with me, I’m just a paranoid, old so and so :)

  19. February 5, 2010

    @ China

    The woman is not perfect but two wrongs do not make a right. If he doesn’t want her he should leave but continue to be there for the kid because she wants her kid to have a dad and is willing to compromise her respect just for that.

    Putting down your foot is about demanding respect and better. It’s not about getting another man or woman or moving from man to man. A man or a woman can do it.

    I always fail to understand why a woman disrespects a man or a man a woman and claim to be in love. Incredulous. It’s something else – living comfort, money, status, image, good food, possibilities or a donkey to ride and control. But not love.

  20. F1
    February 5, 2010

    Pal, as a man all I can say is sorry to hear that. Mr. up to something. But don’t forget it doesn’t matter if it is 11pm or 11am, if he have to excuse himself from you then that means he’s saying what he knows you wouldn’t want him to be saying to her. It doesn’t matter what, but it’s certainly more than just a friend.

    Have you met this “friend”? or spoken to this “friend”? hmmm.

    As a married man, any real “just” female friend of mines that I cannot talk to in-front my wife is not a real friend, just a “friend” she should be afraid of. So pal, confront him about it. If he insists, then sorry bro, it still have plenty man out there that would welcome a nice decent woman.

  21. February 5, 2010

    ..She is not sure it’s a woman????? Hellllooooooooo…
    If its a guy friend why cant he take the call in front of her? And what true ‘girl’ friend would be calling him like this at that time of the night? I mean come on.

    Besides, if it were something honest, he would have explained to his child’s mom and have the issue resolved on the other end. why cant he tell his ‘girl’ friend to call earlier and why would she not be concerned about causing problems in her ‘friend’s’ relationship?

    Lady, trust me. The child will be fine. I dont condone single parenting but do not allow yourself to be disrespected by any man. In your case, if you want your son to have a relationship with the father, allow him to visit and take out the kid, then bye bye see you tomorrow.

    Because he does not have to slip under your covers to be a dad. If he loves his kid and wants a family he needs to put his act together. Its that simple.

    Put your foot down or it will never end. And when you thinking its the same person, he dun pass 10 of them and you have HIV.

    I would’a dun brake dat dam fone.

  22. raw
    February 5, 2010

    woman u do right u should have put his things outside he not thinking of his son his prince he thinking of his woman or women some men just dirty and young lady sorry to tell u that but u have one put HIM OUT

  23. Queen B
    February 5, 2010

    shame on you china, i see no reason a man has to go out of the room to answer a call from another woman at 11 p.m every night there is definately something going on. Don’t you kno by now no matter what you do or say now for men if they have to leave they will leave, it’s in their nature to do so. girl you did the right thing kick his .. to the kirb and don,t take his lying disrespectful a…. back cuz they do not change. how would he feel if the woman was doin exactly wat he’s doin ? it’s time for women to put theiir foot down and demand the same respect we give the men which thet don’t even deserve.

  24. February 5, 2010

    he my dear you did good, i would have not tollerate that either,I’m single chk me out,or give me your cell number let me call you at nite see if he like it,or better yet………………….hummm

  25. Eric Cartman
    February 5, 2010

    Well if my woman had a man callin her every nite at 11 in my presence and she leaving to take the call, in my house, I would surely kick her azz.

    … the man is obviously up to something. Sounds like either he don’t care about d relationship or he want he to accept that she have to share cuz d man doing his thing bold face. She should find out who is dat woman and confront her to find out what really going on b4 she kicked him out though.

  26. Young Man in Dominica
    February 5, 2010

    Thank you CHINA thank god for women like you is women like you that have us the few good men out there strong finally a woman with some value thank god for you goodazs

  27. February 5, 2010

    Best thing if the man does not respect you, then the love is fading slowly….talk to him. If he refuses

    Kick his but out and continue with your life.

  28. Pearl Howard
    February 5, 2010

    …. why should she let him stay? That is why so many women stay in relationships in which they are UNHAPPY. anyone should be able to say do not call me at this time, I am with my family. What is so hard about that?

    My dear young woman you did the right thing, give him visitation with his child.

  29. sadden
    February 5, 2010

    cell phone had apart in my relationship its good and then it’s bad,you did the right thing he has no respect for you and your son,your son is young he will understand as he grows tell him the truth,daddy is not leaving with us anymore but will come visit you and at this stage make him spent the weekends that too will help,good luck.

  30. 2010
    February 5, 2010

    Bella i so disagree with your advice, what “friend” can a man have calling him at 11:00pm every night? That alone is lack of respect from the woman calling him at that time, and lack of respect from him for tolerating it. I admire you for hving the strengh to put down your foot, some women nowadays are too soft, and afraid of losing there man. Be strong, make your son know the truth and besides this shouldnt affect him, he is still young to remember anything, Just ensure that daddy is there with him whilsts he grows. Men have to realize whats important and stop being so stupid and childish.Grow up!! You aint young anymore so start accepting your responsibilities!!

  31. Young Man in Dominica
    February 5, 2010

    Women these days are so bitter my dear bella makes more sense. what you share with this man you dont have enough to end your relationship which you could very well later regret. Thou the fact that he goes out to the car to take the call leaves the situation open for questioning still if he is a good man and worth fighting for by all means dont just end it.

  32. CHINA
    February 5, 2010

    CB CUZ woman like you that make others go from man to man, keep your opinion to your self
    on the other hand young lady , you may have caused the man alot of strife and he does not want you any more , if he is doing that he does not want you anumore , he is ther for the child.
    i am a woman and i know how to treay my man, you D/ca woman need to stop treating your man like dirt and when another woman take him away you regret. peace and love in the relationship,

  33. Mr. Johnson
    February 5, 2010

    nonesense! i’m a man. why would he go outside in his car to talk? is because he have sumting to hide. and at that time man? come on. mister have his seen. better if he tell d woman i go call u 2mor or call me back 2mor. it already late and u in bed wit ur woman. mister need 2 come better dan dat or somebody will eat in his plate.

  34. February 5, 2010

    Girly, I’m bored at work right now, so i will give you a bit of free advice. You did the right thing. If your son is only two years old and your boy-friend is already creeping out of the house to return calls, watch it. If your son is asking for his daddy let him know the truth. Daddy don’t live here anymore, but he still loves you and will come visit you later. At two years old he would have no concept of time, so later can mean any-time.

    What you need to do as a young woman is to put your foot down. Don’t keep throwing him out and taking him back. That’s just too much confusion. If you want the behaviour to stop you need to tell him so. If you decide to quit the relationship, don’t give him “for old-times sake sex”. Make sure he checks his child financially as well as emotionally.

    .. If it was an innocent friend he would not leave the comfort of his bed to go right outside to return a call. Women need to be firm.

  35. CB CUZ
    February 5, 2010

    ..Girl you did the right thing. There a too many women staying in abusive and dirty relationships because of the kids. It is better to kick him out than to stay and fight all of the time in front of your kids…he is a cheating lying bastard.these women have no respect and these men a even worse than they are….First he should tell the other woman not to call him at home out of respect for his house. I am sure he talks to her all day so why does she have to call him at night?
    I was in a relationship like that where the woman use to call him at 5am every morning and when i asked him he say she was just calling to wake him up for work yet he did not leave for work until 7:30am..gir i left and it was the best decision that i have ever made..SO YOU DID RIGHT AND LET HIM STAY OUT..JUST DONT REFUSE HIM ACCESS TO YOUR CHILD BUT LET HIM STAY OUT… GOOD FOR YOU

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