I am a Christian woman in an unhappy marriage

Dear BellaI know that many people are going to judge me but one never knows what a situation feels like unless you experience it.

I am a mature Christian woman in my mid forties who has been married for over twenty years. I know this sounds good but the truth is I have never experienced true marital bliss over all these years.

I have practically lived like a single woman ( except for sex), providing and taking care of myself. I have never been physically abused but the emotional abuse I have suffered can be considered far worse.

Almost 9 years ago I met someone  who actually filled the  emotional void in my life. We are both married so we chose to keep our relationship mutual.

However, we both lack the same things in our marriages, so over the years our relationship has grown to an inseparable one. There is trust, respect, love, support and a genuine friendship between us and we both think it’s unfair to continue living unhappily with our spouses.

The hardest part of it is that we are both Christians, highly esteemed and well respected in our church therefore I personally believe that many people would be disappointing by our actions.

So  Bella, my problem is that  I am living an unhappy life in order to make others happy. My friend’s marriage is worse than mine since he and his wife do not actually live together. He is waiting on me to make the decision to move out but it is really hard. I no longer love my husband as a wife should but I still try to hold on.

I know that my heart belongs to my friend and even if I have begged him  to move on with his life  since his efforts to be with his wife have failed, he feels that he can’t be with anyone else  except me. I love him but this is too complicated.

How can I resolve this complication?

Unhappy Christian woman

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Dear Unhappy Christian Woman,

First of all, I want you to understand that you should not rely on circumstances/ people to make you happy.  These change all the time and the changes may not always be beneficial to us.  It is good to find something that makes you happy…something not dependent on anyone (a sport, a hobby), that way regardless what is going on, you can mention a level of happiness/ good humor.

Your problem largely stems from your religious dependence.  In short, you are having a spiritual problem.  You value your faith system and this should form a large part in the decision you make.  My answer to you may seem strange, but if you go contrary to what you believe, you will find yourself in an even unhappier situation because you would have violated your belief.  Our beliefs eventually become part of who we are; a morsel of our being.

Your marriage has been characterized by abuse and many people tend to downplay emotional and psychological abuse, but these cut much deeper than physical abuse.  Additionally, you and your spouse do not have a relationship.  Divorce is the absence of relationship.  Hence, mentally and emotionally, you and your husband are already divorced.  This may be saddened if you have young children in your relationship because any physical separation from their comfort zone will prove destabilizing.

Besides your Christian beliefs to tough it out and pray that it gets better, you are also staying in this relationship for the sake of people.  My dear, we all have skeletons in our closets and that is why we cannot live our lives in the shadow of what others may think of us.  Human’s frail opinions change from day to day based on what they themselves are going through.  This relationship is killing you emotionally and you need to liberate yourself in order that whatever else you are trying to impact can feel the advantages of a free, happy woman.

My advise to you: give your husband some physical space.  He needs some growing up space.  Any man abusing a woman is a little boy and he needs to understand that you are not dependent on him for your existence.  I would not advise you to seek a bill of divorcement.  During the separation, do not feed on the hurt that he has done.  He will continue to try to hurt you then also.  Focus on the good times you all had together- the time spent building a family and building a home-.  Please do not use that time to start something new and exciting with your friend.  You need some time to just think about you and where you have come.  Twenty years in a marriage has changed you alot and you need to relearn yourself and adjust what you do not like.  All in all, you will know where you need to be once you have spent time with yourself, doing things that you like.  The next relationship that you will be having with a man (whether your husband or someone else), take control to make sure that you are a complete, confident woman.  I am sure that during this time you will make time for prayer and fast and seek the Lord’s counsel as to where to go with decision.

I wish the best for you.

Bella

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82 Comments

  1. Janet
    January 13, 2018

    First of all, being a Christian means you follow Christ. Second of all ,no one can be like Christ and God knows that. We are humans, we make mistake. If anybody tells you different they’re lying nobody is perfect that is why we seek for God’s guidance because he’s perfect. The bible states we are not perfect, this is why God died on a cross for us for our sins. Now, just because we are not perfect and we are humans, we shouldn’t easily commit sins
    God knows our hearts he knows your feelings your intent. My advice to you as a woman married 15 years. Who is an alcoholic. Is to try to fix your marriage. I too had a crush on another guy ,but I told him I was married and that our relationship could only be of coworkers. We only talk about work and he respects that. I’m praying and talking to my husband about our marriage. He hadn’t changed and he continues to drink come home at 3 to 4 in the morning because we have free will. I had decided what is my limit I will not be…

  2. June 24, 2014

    Dear Unhappy Christian Woman:

    Obviously you face some challenges in your marriage. But your husband is the man you took your wedding vows with, not another.

    Regardless of how troubled your marriage is there is a good possibility that it can be saved. Marriages have been snatched back from the brink when both parties can be motivated to work at it.

    You must understand that this boyfriend is not a good man, and he would not be a suitable companion for you. (a) He has marriage problems of his own. (b) He does not consider his present marriage worth saving. (c) He wants you so he is not going to take any blame for the breakdown of his marriage, nor tell you how he treated (or mistreated) his wife. (d) He obviously thinks it is O.K to be unfaithful to his wife and for you to be unfaithful to your husband. You cannot be sure he would not someday be unfaithful to you. (e) If he was a born again believer it is not likely that he would be messing around with another woman and especially a married woman at that. The same applies to you. So you should both examine your relationship with the Lord if indeed you have one.

    God does not allow you to marry another man as long as your husband is living. (Romans 7:3)

    On the other hand if you are a born again believer in Jesus
    Christ God does not allow you to marry a man who is not a
    believer. (2 Corinthians 6:14)

    There are Christian counselors who specialize in helping couples work through the kind of problems you have. Some pastors make counseling part of their ministry. They are often busy and you would probably have to make an appointment. Normally a counselor would want to see you and you husband first separately then together. Even if your husband would not go there is a good possibility that you would receive some help if you went alone.

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

  3. listener
    November 15, 2013

    Christian woman, have you read the book of Job ? after he lost every thing he had including his children his wife told him curse God and die, what you are faced with is just a drop in the ocean, God might just be trying your faith to see if you really love him don’t give up on your husband just yet REMEMBER the Devil came to KILL to steal and to destroy take your problems to God he won’t tell any one.

  4. September 11, 2013

    Too many christans still take there clothes to the river and wait for god to come wash it for them .yes you need to seek god but you can’t sit there and wait you need to do something for your self

  5. Mr Awesome
    September 11, 2013

    I know exactly who you are!!!!

  6. Mistake
    September 11, 2013

    The problem here is that you made a mistake by entertaining the feelings for someone else while you are married. Yes we are humans and encounter other beautiful humans whether outwardly or inwardly wherever we go on this planet. And it is normal to admire. Thoughts come to our minds, “wow that person is attractive”. However that relationship can only develop if you spend time with that person. Something you should not be doing within a marriage. You have to guard your heart. You cannot discuss your marital problems with the opposite sex just because they are going through problems too. That’s a red light. The moment you begin to entertain the feelings or attention of another person, your present marriage becomes less and less valuable and harder to work on. So things that could have been worked on from the beginning become more difficult to resolve once another party is involved cuz that other party is now fulfilling the void that you are experiencing with your husband. Then it gets to the point where you think you can actually live with the other man, but danger lies there. Also a lot of what you might call emotional pains might be because you are basing it on the relationship with the other man. I am not saying an emotional abuse aspect does not exist, but be careful to note that most of it might be able to be resolved but is strained because of the comparison with the other party. Above all, honor your marriage first, get help together, talk things out and see what resolutions can come about. At the same time you have to be happy and if it just won’t work, then consider further steps, but don’t allow the feelings of another person outside your marriage make you feel that your present is over. Danger lies there. The grass is not greener on the other side. You have to water your grass to make it green. I am speaking in light of the fact that you say you are a mature Christian. You know God is able to fill the void in your marriage. Don’t mess up things by brining someone else in to blind the things God can do. Honor your marriage first and foremost.

  7. Blose
    September 11, 2013

    I personally believe if u are a Christian the best person u should have gone to is the shepherd God has place in the church. Now, if u find his council is not good enough u have the greatest councillor which is God himself, take it to God in prayer and fasting. As, u have said the other man is married u should held him to work it out with his wife regardless they are separated for a while, please I ask in the name of Jesus your own is already going down the drain do not help a next one bring his own lower down

    • DANZIGER
      September 12, 2013

      And when nature call remember she has feelings. Lady, every body doing there thing so drink yr water and dont get drunk, enjoy life MY DEAR. IF his the one that keeps yr heart alive, then who i’m I to jugde you,if he is the one that lives with you Inside,well do your thing lady,do yr thing but use condoms.

  8. PROFETESS
    September 11, 2013

    Advice to u lady. Stay in de marriage. Doe show him love. let him have other women. cook koshonie for him when u can. give him plenty stress, continue beeing a christian but stay married in dat empty marriage so when he die you can have all his money and walk around dress in black like u mourning. Ha ha ha ha Do like me

  9. PSALM 23
    September 11, 2013

    seek God

  10. Anonymous
    September 10, 2013

    You said that for almost nine years you met a man who filled the emotional void in your life.

    tell me, do you honestly believe that by fanning these flames it allows room for fanning flames in your own marriage?

    comparing this relationship (which will always seem better) with yours will never lend to reconciliation with your spouse and a chance to try again together.

    This is a road block in itself and believe it or not this relationship is amain source of your happiness.

  11. Affection8
    September 10, 2013

    if you are truly a christian you would seek god so he could direct you as to what to do, not Bella. i don’t condone you stay in an unhappy marriage but you need to know that as a christian you need to first seek the Lord and let him direct you. what ever decision you make should be directed from God. pray and seek him first.

  12. possi born
    September 10, 2013

    what kind of Christian are you? tell me you believe in Christianity I will understand.being a Christian,is to be christlike. would Christ solve the problem the way you do with your husband?no.the problem with some of us who claim to be Christian is that we limit god and be unfaithful to him.my lady god is exceedingly,abundantly,above all we may think or ask.the answer to your problem is to seek god,he will hear and answer you.telling bella is telling the public..Christ is your answer not bella.sometimes we make our emanation take control of us and call it love.if you not happy with your husband discuss it with him..if he is not sexing outside you will be opening yourself to adulry with the married man you think is the one,but is still married to his wife.prayer is your answer my dear.

    • Anonymous
      September 11, 2013

      Well said.

  13. One Love
    September 10, 2013

    God HATES Divorce
    Malachi 2:16 “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel,

  14. forreal
    September 10, 2013

    it is written in the bible,that two shall be in bed and one shall be cut up to meet lord in his everlasting glory,what about if you just stay awake and wait on the lord,focus on you and your spiritual faith,because in the new heaven and new earth,none shall be given into marriage,all the elected of god,shall be like the angels,thank god you are a christian,do not allow stumbling blocks to tear you down,because according to what you are saying,that is what your husband is.

    • Anonymous
      September 10, 2013

      woman dont you know the meaning of christian it means christlike, so please repent and turn to God for happiness and fulfilment, the pleasures of life is just for a season

  15. September 10, 2013

    Lady, OH Please…..stop using the name Christianity in vain acting like you little miss innocent. There is more to the story you are trying to portray here.
    You see another man you like(a married one and want to destroy his home too), so therefore want to leave your husband but because of your religion and what you assume people might say, you are embarrassed. If you want a divorce from your husband just ask him because he might be waiting to sign the papers anyway. Nothing remains in hiding that long…(9yrs?)Whom do you think you are fooling? If you have an eye for another person, it only takes a couple days and people will start noticing.
    Men are not stupid my dear. Your husband may have noticed your ways and he is just looking to see how long you will keep that little secret you have. Maybe you are the cause of the unhappiness in your significant other’s marriage.
    And, by your style of writing, I don’t even think you ever had some form of conversation with your husband.
    People need to put God first in everything and communicate with each other.

    • forreal
      September 10, 2013

      there are two sides to a coin i agree,but that is only your suggestion,it does not have to be as you have painted the picture,you could be wrong,you be just judge mental,and that is not healthy for you also,am just looking at the bigger picture,god knows all things,god sees all things,god cannot be cheated,so she would be fooling her own self.

      • Standing strong
        March 10, 2014

        Very right many times is because of our children sake or the pride not want to be devorce or leaving the heat and go to the fire so best you stay in the heat some women could seek happiness from one relationship to another but not all women are the the same i am in this life for 31yrs and i am the most happy woman i a just myself that you can’t force husband,family and friends to love you got to love yourself and make yourself happy without disrepecting yourself outside there people don’t know the niceness man is the most cruel man in the house i am a victim but i make myself look damn well good for my God and my happiness if he wants sex i will not refuse him but i know in me he rape because no feelings was in present

  16. September 10, 2013

    Boy ,only you know what you feeling ,i don’t think as a child of god he wants us to be in bad relationships ,so say we are serving him,everyone deserve to be happy ,even a christian woman,have feelings too,you not happy leave,AMEN. :oops: :oops:

  17. Anonymous
    September 10, 2013

    TO bella i have been reading your blog for a long time so am gonna say it that the BEST 100% today very good advice,very sad indeed all i can say don”t live your life for others.who in the kitchen is the one feeling the heat and always remember to pray it heals and he listens.

  18. Anonymous
    September 10, 2013

    I see too many people put themselves in the adulterous position and call themselves happy. Adultery = spiritually dead. how can someone put themself in permanent sin which is especially dangerous and call themself a christian? If you are a christian you should know its not this world that counts. You should also know that the FATHER above is the only one who can bring true happiness and fill your void. The husband has not done anything gravely wrong from what you say. Go to counselling, work on your marriage, talk to the man and tell him how you feel. you will see you can become quite happy. how can you think of leaving the man before you communicate. or did you just miss that part in your story?

  19. Mama
    September 10, 2013

    I think this lady used her story so other hurting Christian women can get some type of help, its too long the church sit idly by and allow young women to be abused by their spouses, no one knows what happens behind closed doors, only God is our judge, in the body of Christ we must look out for each other instead of gossiping when things go wrong especially to these young women, it leaves them with no choice but to forget about everybody else and to look for their happiness looking u to the almighty for the guidance, its not easy lady, its a long road but at the end all will be well, let go of all bitterness and grudges and move on.

  20. UDOHREADYET
    September 10, 2013

    Marriage is not like dating. Sometimes the problems last for years. You need to communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate with your husband and tell him everything that is on your mind. Give him time to adjust and to express why he is treating you that way. The other guy has allot of difficulty in his marriage so he is going to be the best person you could imagine because deep down his failed so wants to mess up someone else’s marriage. Your husband may know and see this and that is why he is treating you that way, you are putting your husband second to another man and real men can sense it… it’s like instinct. As a wife when the relationship is faltering you have to step up and pull your end of the barging. It looks to me like your lusting after another man, not being a true wife to your husband blaming him for the relationship issues while breaking up another marriage. You’re taking the emotions and love off the plate in your marriage and putting it elsewhere yet want your husband to be a better man? UDOHREADYET

    • Mama
      September 10, 2013

      udoready yet really doeready yet, stop punishing the lady she has been through hells, an abuser is always an abuser no matter what, she needs to get away and let him find counseling to manage his abusiveness or better yet get a punching bag.

  21. Anonymous
    September 10, 2013

    Lady, I am male and was facing a dilemma in my marriage of 25 years. I found this book very helpful “His Needs, Her Needs – How to Affair-proof you Marriage” by Willard Harley

    My wife got me that book and with couples counselling we saved our marriage. That was a few years ago.

    I am very happy she gave me that book and was willing to work through it. That was the best decision I ever made.

    If you care to save your marriage, you first need to give that guy a rest and focus on saving your marriage – not just you alone, both of your need to look to make the other person happy.

    Good luck

  22. September 10, 2013

    Are you living your life the way you want or are you living the way PEOPLE want you?? :-D

  23. Francis Chicago
    September 10, 2013

    [Christian woman]Well my advise to you seek the Lord fasting and praying.A Christian must not marry an unbeliever.We must see that to attain to the highest meaning of marriage,there must be oneness of spiritual purpose in addition to physical attraction and complementary natures.This means that both must have the desire to serve God.Both must be fully committed to the Lord.Both must live for God.This is more important than having an admirable character.Though the latter cannot be omitted, the former is absolutely indispensable.In big things and small things, both must live for the Lord.Such a marriage has a solid foundation for two parties have a strong bond of unity before God.

    • September 10, 2013

      Francis Chicago September 10, 2013

      Amen! You have said it on my behalf. Praise the Lord!

      God is Love and His Love in us is what bonds us to human affection. If Love is absent from the beginning, human affection cannot continue. Hence we proclaim that we do not love anymore, but that is not a truth–we never did love in the fist place.

  24. concerned
    September 10, 2013

    only God can judge, don’t remain in a marriage that does not lift you. Move on. you will see how great life can be!

  25. September 10, 2013

    My lady you need to take a good look at your life right now and evaluate what is important to you. You need to pray and fast about this and trust me God will speak to you, then and only then you will know what route to take. In the meantime, talk to your husband about how you feel because after 20 years of marriage i think he deserves a little respect.

  26. Tri-State Beauty
    September 10, 2013

    Christian Woman you are still WOMAN, HUMAN and so you are not apart from the world and the emotions of life good, bad and indifferent, although many make believe that by that very word use they are immune and live in another sphere. Moving along, all I can say to you is end one situation before entering another. People stay in unhappy situations for a myraid of reasons.

    What I have learnt from the joys of love and the pain of a breakup:

    God gives us love and someone to love us he lends us.

    People simply grow out and fall out of love with each other. It may not be anything you are doing wrong. Years, Life experiences, time, travel, hormones, can all help bring changes to the spirit.

    People can’t give you want they don’t have naturally within them, it would be forced and a lie.

    People tire of people

    Some things are just inexplainable.. we love, lost, hurt, heal and love again. We however should always grow. Being bitter is giving someone victory to stand on your shoulders.

    It’s better to end something empty than hang on to a hall of empty space, where none of you are gaining anything.

    A spark can go out as quickly as it is lit, likewise it can burn an eternal flame so if you choose to leave your marriage, be sure that you are leaving not for the other person, but for yourself, in that if he so desires to stay with his wife in the end, you are OK.

    Above all as you seek GOD in all of this, remind your self that image is an illusion, and a chattered mirror still bears the reflection of what you put out. Faking a happy marriage because of what people might say, is lying and God doesn’t like deception. Best of luck.

    Bella I’m going to start charging my fees :mrgreen:

    • Hmmm
      September 10, 2013

      Try-State Beauty….you are right on point. Thanks for the insight.

    • butterfly
      September 11, 2013

      Woman to woman Tri-State Beauty you are REAL! I told our friend in common you should be a motivational speaker. Heard you’re recovering nicely.

  27. ZULU
    September 10, 2013

    Life short so make sure you enjoy it. Chritianity and religion has over and over again keep people oppressed. Dump your husband find what makes you happy. God is forgiving he will undetstand. He forgave Daniel and king solomon and the woman at the well so he will do the same. All this long alleluiah of righteousness leads to one thing. More unhappiness

  28. Observer
    September 10, 2013

    Sometimes I wonder if the letters are true. hmmmm. Anyway, if it is…My lady I hope that you have prayed and God answers your prayers through this medium. God can work through any avenue. who are we to judge and say the lady is not seeking God? How do we know He didn’t direct her to this medium for answers? We ask the lady to seek God and pray. ho are we to choose how God answers her cry?

    • Cumfreda
      September 10, 2013

      ME too Observer and ever time i place a comment. MA BELLA doesn’t Post it Carmem

  29. ferbrese
    September 10, 2013

    Alot of women who are unhappy remain in a relationship because the man they are with provide the comfort an security they need. The man in the house provides financially and they feel partially contended particularly if they have kids.

    but what you fine is, these women are really not happy, it can be real or it can be a process of infidelity where they think the true happiness is out there.

    I know people that are faced with the same issue, where they do not love their husband and have all kind of men using them, fooling them and abusing them and sending them back to their husbands tired, broke and hungry and that same husband have to love them care for them as Christ loved his church

    but you see, men misunderstand their bible, a woman was never asked to love her husband, all she was asked to do was to respect her husband and in so doing respect themselves.

    but you may ask why women feel that way towards men. it can be the men are really difficult to understand, but what you find is that a woman who know what options are out there are more vulnerable because they are married but their past is still knowking at their door they still want want that had before and these are the women who should be stoned to death.

    If you dont want a man, just leave, as hurting as it is just go your way it makes no sense you have already disgraced yourself.

    the same reason he not with his with is maybe the same reason your husband allowed you to feel that way about him, at the end of the day you need to ask yourself how long will you and this bastard last and is it you alone he is seeing?

    infidel

    • Stupid Me
      September 10, 2013

      You recommend stoning someone to death for “infidelity”? Man why would you want to do that to someone, where could you have gotten an idea like that?
      Oh wait, I forgot………..

    • UDOHREADYET
      September 10, 2013

      Besides the stoning nonsense the comment was well structured and in depth… in that many ‘women’ are blinded by lust just as men are but the difference is a man understands that every action has an outcome. Somehow a woman believes that she can change her behavior say and do the wrong things, see the wrong people and go to the wrong places and everything will stay the same because the man is stupid! Wrong! Whatever is happening in the relationship is almost always the woman’s behavior causing the man to stay out of the house, stray, drink, smoke etc. If he is already doing those things prior to the relationship then it’s likely he may continue but can change with a good strong woman. Not one that devours his confidence or nags at his peace of mind while expecting him to be better. Find your match then light it, if it’s wet give it sunlight then light it, don’t keep stroking the wet match destroying its spark then throw it away, it’s you who cannot see that the match is still wet! UDOHREADYET

  30. Edward Ravalliere
    September 10, 2013

    madam, take some advise from a fool.. please leave

  31. Stupid Me
    September 10, 2013

    Humans and our religions, oh the sufferings we suffer in the name of religion. If only we could learn to step outside religious parameters in such circumstances, and listen intently to our conscience, so much infliction and reception of pain could be avoided. But no, we’re bounded by the precepts of a religion we learned as a youth.

  32. London
    September 10, 2013

    Sister in Christ, I am not here to condemn you nor judge you but you said that you are a mature christian. You have gone to Bella (man) for help in your situation. Your should know that your only source of help is from the God who you believe in and not man. who am I to say that you have not prayed and seek God’s help? but you need to wait on God’s answer and exercise faith, it is not easy to exercise faith particularly when we are faced with trials and tribulations but we must stand on the Word… He said that in this world we will find tribulation but in him we will have peace… (John 16:33) God cannot lie (Numbers 23:19) and he will never leave you nor forsake you. What you have done by seeking help from man (writing to Bella) is that you do not trust God enough to change your situation around.

    I don’t know you but I will lift you up in prayer, standing in the gap for you and I encourage you to trust and wait on the Lord, he knows your situation better than you, trust him only and wait on him and he will strengthen you.

    • Hmmm
      September 10, 2013

      I disagree with you. Are you implying that God cannot work through one of us to help her?

    • budman
      September 10, 2013

      what foolishness. so if you have a problem , you don’t discuss it with your mother/father/brother /s sister, friend because to do so means that you don’t trust God? there are idiots all around us.

    • believer
      September 11, 2013

      I agree with you very much and I`ll be doing the same thing for her;standing in the gap.She didn`t mention whether her Husband is a believer or not.She needs to immediately break every contact with this person in question as this a trap of the enemy;he knows your weak point and he is using it againt you.Twenty years is a long time and God has brought you thus far and inspite of the situation He is in control.GO to God in prayer and lay it all down. Is anything to hard for our GOD? Ask Him to take away all the resentment and hate towards your Husband,trust in God, don`t do anything contrary to his will,and see Him turn thing around for you.Pray aggressively and claim the promises of God forcefully.

  33. highly favored
    September 10, 2013

    Believers do not go to the world for advise. Please get your advise/counsel from brothers and sisters in the faith. Seek the Lord and he will give you the discernment to make the right decisions

    • Hmmm
      September 10, 2013

      So I am assuming that you are implying that “Believers” do not live in this world. So what are you doing there? Look you giving her advice. Hypocrite

  34. lynn
    September 10, 2013

    Christian woman, God IS ABLE , when we turn away from his truth and his way we may seem to be happier with our options, however we will get hurt sooner or later, get out of your married lovers life and fall in love with God again. he never ever leaves you

  35. Hope
    September 10, 2013

    Thanks for sharing that. There are a lot of married women out there pretending to be happy on the outside. On the inside they are hurting, miserable, sad and hoping that one day things will change. And the saddest part is the husbands don’t seem to care. They go through life like everything is fine, especially if they have a mistress. My dear take Bella’s advice. Best wishes to you.

    • Hope
      September 12, 2013

      They expect everything to change without communicating with their partner what is bothering them. Married women need to speak up and be assertive. Do so with an open mind and without being being disrespectful. Aim for win-win solutions.

  36. September 10, 2013

    why is it that these christian women always get the worse out of their marriages? is it because they are force to married by their pastors

    • Just me
      September 10, 2013

      It is because the church points young people to marriage before it points them to God. Older folks and church leaders are afraid that the young people will fall into sexual sin if they do not marry soon or quick and so they tell them about marriage without properly advising them that marraige is an institution that must be entered into very very prayfully and a marraige partner must be chosen based on the person’s character and genuine spiritual connection. Marriage will test everything you are!!! and the younger you get married the less you know about yourself. We change alot when we are young and so sometimes people get married in their twenties and when they reach 35 and in their forties, they have changed, or their likes have changed and so they feel trapped in their decisions.

      One must take time to know oneself before taking on such a critical lifelong commitment. Know yourself and know God first- that is the advice that must be given to young people. It is nice to get married and start your family young but carefully and prayerfully comtemplate that decision and learn to look twenty years down the road because the flair and outward beauty you see today will not last but a genuine character in a very real world will last by the grace of God.

      • Hmmm
        September 11, 2013

        That is so true. We see it over and over again. Our priest makes that comment everytime that when married people come to confession, as far as they are concerned, they do not sin because they are married. We need to stop seeing fornication as the only sin. When we have done that, we will see marriage in a whole new light.

        Too many young persons are forced to get married so that they “get out of sin”. Sex is important to a marriage but it is only one part of it.

        Young people, take your time and grow before committing to a marriage. There’s more to marriage than the wedding day.

    • you must be kidding
      September 10, 2013

      it simply means the devil attack those that are not in his fold. you cant try to get what you already have, that’s why he is attacking the Christians but we are more than conquerors, we are overcomers through Christ Jesus, so we will overcome.

  37. Frenz
    September 10, 2013

    Franky Vincent the zouke artist has a song ci ous mal mayais de mayais.
    trying to live your life by what people say or think is a miserable exercise. When the philosophers wrote the words when your right hand offend you , you must cut it off” It means also that if someone is not making your life a happy one remove yourself from that person. it could be a friend, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, even family member etc.
    The other problem particularly with the protestant churches is that the pastor and his /her people tend to get involved in who dates who and who must get married. Well mam there are many others like you and plenty of them cheating too. I realize you stop short of telling Bella whether or not you ad your friend do the nasty but that is your business.

  38. LOVE
    September 10, 2013

    tell you one thing dont let him fool you, men who live doubLE lives are liars, he will make you leave and he will stay in his, men are crininals when it comes to relationship, they will kill it and lie, however what i wanted to say is i married a man and brought him to orlando florida and i can relate with you , he abused me verbally and physically, his family say they are christian , helped the man to talk bad about me and abuse me, :cry: :cry: :cry: , now my life is so mesed up with all thes family turmoil, so lady i can relate. i will never married again

  39. Shameless
    September 10, 2013

    Heaven only help those who help themselves. Dump the man and go get your groove on. God know and sees and he is a forgiving god so let the church judge you if they want because that is all they do anyway…..vayeez zarfeh moon! All that hogwash about me time and time apart will give you nothing but stress. Take a vacation and live it up but be reminded that “Change Must Come” and that is personally, politically and religiously. 8)

    Assertive, NOT Agressive!

  40. WHO VEX VEX
    September 10, 2013

    you not no damn christian, 9 yrs u lying to ur husband then u calling ur self christian, STUPES

    If u so Christian do what you think God would want you to do not the devil.
    Thats why im not joining Christianity cause im not strong enough.

    God forgives but 9 yrs of lying and going to church every Sunday with the Holy Bible under ur arms. Divorce or fix ur relationship,

  41. you must be kidding
    September 10, 2013

    Are you serious? Are you truly a Christian and a mature one as you claim? I know that Christians are not exempted from problems especially when it comes to do with your family, on the contrary, Christians are the ones who face the most problems because satan doh have time for what he already has and he knows when he attack the home of a Christian he actually attacks the church but even as the Word of God says ” the gates of hell shall not prevail against the church of the living God” so with that being said, I think as a “mature Christian” doh you are human, you should not give in to temptation to be in an extra marital relationship and to remain in it for so long. Ok, you fall, but how long are you going to remain in it as a “mature” Christian? Shouldn’t the power of Christ in you be greater than any other power outside? How can you be living a lie for such a long time and still call yourself a mature Christian? Jesus is the greatest counselor, why don’t you seek his counsel? Lady both you and this man has lost the fear of God and you need to go back to basic and seek forgiveness through repentance and let God work on you and in your situation.

    • budman
      September 10, 2013

      look at hypocrites judging.

  42. Muslim_Always
    September 10, 2013

    @ Unhappy Christian woman:

    I am a Muslim man and I’ll tell you this. God has made oppression forbidden and what you are going through is oppression. If you are in an oppressive relationship how on earth can you give God His all? We may cloak our hearts from others but God knows what we conceal and what we reveal.

    If a religion cannot liberate a person from oppression what good is that religion? (I’m speaking about the interpretation you have learnt since a child). It is either this religion is false or the interpretation this person hold is faulty. God revealed guidance so that it could be used as a torch to navigate through darkness.

    Thirdly, no one can judge your intent but actions have a right to be judged, doesn’t it say in your books ‘by their fruits you shall know them?’ So it is clear in your book that adultery is very wrong and this is the harsh reality. The statements regarding how this man makes you feel etc are nothing but satanic suggestions. Satan loves to build on evil desires, this is clearly the worship of your desires ‘unhappy Christian woman.’

    Another point is that we cannot live our lives for others neither can others live yours. Will God judge you alone or will there be ransoming on Judgement? No ‘Unhappy Christian Woman’ you alone will be judge. You must save yourself first from the hell fire, no one can do it for you but YOU!

    Here is my humble alternative to this. Firstly, you need to transform and renew your mind, you need to go in that mirror and affirm positive attributes about yourself to break through the emotional abuse; you need to pray sincerely to the All Mighty Creator without mediators just like Jesus did according to your book Matthew 26:39, go on your face (prostration) like Jesus Christ (peace be upon him) and put your plight to the Lord, seek His forgiveness with a plan to get out of an abusive relationship and adultery. After you have put this to the Most High the satanic suggestions will come, rebuke it in the name of the Most High, seek a divorce and move on with your life. There will be times you will fall again but do not give up the mercy of God, get up and keep going, keep a clear mind. Share with this man you are committing adultery with your intent, it will be a good reminder for him, perhaps he may reflect on his own life then ponder about change. You never know through this God may forgive the both of you and you both can be reunited in the proper way to each other, or is it that you both cannot remarry in your church? If not then you really need to question what you were taught because God hates oppression.

    Empower your mind, renew thyself, get rid of bad rubbish, free yourself from abuse and make yourself whole again. YOU can do it!

    http://www.whyislam.org
    http://www.islamreligion.com

    • Francis Chicago
      September 10, 2013

      Mr.muslim always]This woman identify her self as a Christian woman;not as a born again Christian.This is personal.Christianity is primarily about right relationship,not right doctrine.The Gospel is not a set of rules.It not a statement about God.It does not come through knowing everything about God.The purpose of the Gospel is a right relationship with God.In [Matthew]18;15-17,Jesus speaks about how to maintain right with others.

    • September 10, 2013

      @Muslim_Always September 10, 2013–Firstly, you need to transform and renew your mind

      The renewing of the Mind must happen before transformation takes place. And transformation means that the person is becoming lost from the control of the human mind and to be found under the control of the Mind of Love–the Mind of Jesus Christ–who is the Person of God Almighty, Eternal Spirit, who is Love.

      This renewal and transformation, can only happen through steadfast faith and a consistent, dedicative relationship with God Almighty through the Son, Jesus Christ.

      Just because a person claims to be a Christian does not mean that person is so. When Jesus takes a hold on people by His Supernatural Influence, who is Holy Spirit, that hold on us begin to remove us from the things of the flesh, and worldliness that we might yield to the things of the “Spirit”.

      And Life in the Spirit is a bliss that no one will desire to exchange for the existence in the world- For the world and everything that is in it is passing away–that even includes marriage between two people.

      For Jesus said: “In the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage but they are like angels in heaven”.

      Most of the time we human beings will try to take matters in our own hands. But if we claim to be Christians, we also claim to be disciples of Jesus Christ; and to remain with trust, obedience, and hope that He is having His way in us–but for our good, and His glory; not ours.

      • Muslim_Always
        September 11, 2013

        What you are inviting to Lizavier is nothing but absolute paganism. You will go to hell if you die on your polytheism and paganism as God does not forgive this.

        Jesus Christ (peace be upon him) was sent to the children of Israel, he commanded them to worship God alone without partners.

        Transformation comes when one repents from paganism, the worship of Jesus Christ or using him as a mediator or stating that God has a son. They need to discard these pagan teachings THEN worship God alone without a mediator.

  43. Cool J
    September 10, 2013

    talk to God about your problems, there is nothing too hard for him. seek his directions .

    • FED UP
      September 10, 2013

      Don’t you think God is already aware? SMH!

  44. Anonymous
    September 10, 2013

    I’m not judging you because I personally believe that if God did not ordain the marriage in the first place, it is not of God. I would, however, question whether or not you truly are a “mature” Christian and advise you to seek counseling from your pastor or someone from the clergy if you don’t feel comfortable with your own pastor and couple that with professional marriage counseling.

  45. Clueless
    September 10, 2013

    The more I read over this cry for help the more I ask questions like. have you ever told your husband about the way you feel? Do couple counselling together?
    People think that marriage solves every problem but it does not nor was it meant to,It does not shield you from being attracted to others also. So what do you do? You need to remember your vows, ignite the flames, if you fall out of love then fall back in love. You are clearly not being abused or mistreated so what really is the problem? you need to put in some hard work in your relationship and not be selfish or look for the easy way out. May I suggest watching a movie called “Fire proof.”

    • Concern citizen
      September 10, 2013

      I agree with what was said, but would like to add to this, remember she mentioned that she is physically and emotionally abused, please take this seriously, maybe she have tried to make things work and never get anything back. She had enough and do not have no more to give. Marriage is a two way street, not one to make it work. Christian woman, please yourself and do what is best for you not for others.

  46. Clueless
    September 10, 2013

    Dear Christian, woman you are seeking advise from the wrong people in the wrong place.

    • Muslim_Always
      September 10, 2013

      I gave you a thumbs down because you didn’t present an alternative. If she is seeking advice in the wrong place then suggest to her where she could get the right one.

    • interested...
      September 10, 2013

      i think Bella offered her some good advice…whats ur deal?

    • hmmmm
      September 10, 2013

      AMEN TO THAT

  47. 21st Century Farmer
    September 10, 2013

    My friend, did you pray to God about this!?! I am sure he will answer you both….don’t go to another human for advice on something which you should only go to God about. God have been there with you for all your life, what makes you think he is not here now!? I surely believe he have already spoken to you, but here you are refusing to heed to his word, but looking for words from another human….smh….my sister allow God love to fill that void….Please God first, and see how fast he will work through your husband.

    • thanks...
      September 10, 2013

      i’m not married but I will take some of what bella said and all of what you saying and I will definatly apply it to my current situation which is a little similar to that of this Christian woman. I to am a Christian and I can say I am far from being perfect.i fall short many times but I have also learned from the falls and so I seek God and move on.
      Christian woman you need to seek God. not the friend.not bella, not even half of the comments you may read here.just seek God…ask him.talk to him.and if you are truly his child. the answer you shall receive for he said : ask and you shall receive.knock and the door will open…
      HOPE IT WORKS OUT…

      • Hmmm
        September 10, 2013

        But you just said you would apply what Bella and the rest of us said, yet you are telling her don’t pay us no mind……..make up your mind.

  48. Sunny
    September 10, 2013

    Make yourself happy woman!! Cuz even if you do good or bad, people always gonna have something to say! God knows and sees what you are going through… You should’ve left a long time ago if it was really that bad!

    • Me Dat
      September 10, 2013

      I quite agree. People always know, always ready to judge, but is who in the fire that feeling the heat. My dear, your husband is not going to change after so many years of marriage. Grab a little piece of happiness while you can. Divorce and move on with your life.

      • Anonymous
        September 10, 2013

        you all don’t even know the other side of the story. has the lady every expressed her views to her husband? Does he even know she is unhappy or not satisfied? What about ..is it she who is doing something and he thinks the same of the marriage? She never once mentioned she has spoken to her husband. You think she will be happy from another relationship? there is always passion at the beginning but it will always die down. Who more ready to judge then? Shut up.

  49. Hmmm
    September 10, 2013

    Bella, congratulations. Have not seen such a response in a long time.

    I am not married, trying to live a Christian life, and just going through a broken relationship. I like your advice.

    Get some me time and think about what you truly believe and what you want. People are going to talk.

    Also, the grass always appears greener at such times. Take your time. Even if you and your husband separate, don’t rush into another relationship. Twenty years is a lot of years to know and be with someone.

    Give yourself sometime to heal first, otherwise you will be carrying all the emotional baggage into a new relationship.

    If you and your friend are that close, he will wait.

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