Dear Bella: Let’s get it out there!  I am GAY!  And no, I don’t mean bisexual but fully gay.  However, no one can tell as I don’t act feminine and don’t be seen with gay people.

I hang with the thug crowd and do all the other manly thuggish things but I am just gay.  It took me a while to accept that this is who I am and even though I am still not confortable with being this way, there is nothing that I can do.

The reason that I am writing to you is because I have been having a sexual relationship with another thuggish dude and both of us hang out in the same group.  None of the other guys in the group knows about us and that is the way we want to keep it.  My problem is this – whenever we are hanging out in the group and someone who is obviously gay passes by and the other members of the group starts to make fun of the gay person, he joins in right along with them and sometimes his voice is the loudest.

Not only that, some of these people he is helping to insult are some of the very same people who we have had threesomes with.  When I confront him about it he says that he only does it to keep up appearances and that he sometimes calls the person he has insulted to apologise.  I just find that to be quite hypocritical and it hurts me to know that someone who is gay but on the down low (DL) can find it so easy to insult some who is openly gay.

Sometimes I just want to expose the both of us so that he can see how it feels to be ridiculed and insulted the way he insults other gay people.  I am just frustrated and don’t feel like having anything to do with him anymore but he is the only DL gay person that I know.  What do you suggest that I do?

***Don’t Judge Me***

Dear Don’t Judge Me: Well, you need to talk to him again about it and tell him if he keeps it up then the friendship may be in jeopardy. That’s the most I can advise you on. However, I do not think it is smart to expose both of you. It could do more harm than good.

Hope this helps.


Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at Dear Bella is published Tuesdays and Thursdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.