As I sat on my bed alone in the house on a Saturday afternoon, I couldn’t help but wonder why.
I started thinking of everybody else in my life who had something good going on in their lives.
Those whose boyfriends brought them flowers at their work, or who have friends to hang out with, those who took their girlfriends out on dates, those who are successful with their new business ventures, those who are enjoying their lives.
It’s not that I’m jealous, I’m happy for all of them.
I just can’t say any of that about myself and it’s not that I don’t want these things for myself but I am afraid, so I stay in my room.
I think I eat, I sleep, I cry and that is basically my life.
I’m scared because I am an unpredictable person when I let my guards down.
I get impulsive and cocky when I get comfortable with myself and others, resulting in someone getting hurt by my words or actions.
I’ve always been an extremist; when I’m up you can’t bring me down and when I’m down I bring everybody down with me. Controlling my emotions have never been possible for me.
I don’t want to go out with guys because I’m afraid I’ll have sex with the wrong people especially because I already know how that feels. I don’t have friends because I don’t want to be used… again! I can’t keep living like this but I’m too scared to change. What do I do?
I think I’m just paranoid and lazy. I want to change I just don’t know how to do that without messing something or someone up.
Confused in silence
Dear Confused in silence,
You clearly have a lot of unresolved emotional issues. To be frank, this seems to be a case where an apple tree wants to be a tomato. A tomato tree will develop quickly but its lifespan is short, while an apple takes years to develop but lives longer and produces much more over a period of time. You need to access where you are and get to know yourself. Some people take longer than others to grow and mature.
Being unpredictable with extreme tendencies, indicate a lack of self-control indeed. Be mindful that an extreme personality can be toxic to others and can hinder the natural process of building solid relationships.
Since you are aware that you have not mastered your emotions, you are justified in being afraid of socializing with members of the opposite sex. I must commend you however for recognizing potential danger because you do not want a repeat of past mistakes.
You mentioned that you are scared to change but you cannot expect a different outcome if there is no change. It is necessary for your circumstance. Hopefully, you will enjoy your life and you will no longer be scared of letting yourself and others down. Your perspective on life should be one of great optimism.
Also, do not be so quick to label yourself paranoid and lazy. You seem to be more focused on the outcome instead of your journey to becoming a mature self-controlled individual.
Pay close attention to the lessons you need to learn along the way and master them. If you feel like you didn’t handle a situation/s well, don’t beat up yourself about it. I can assure you, you will have another go at it again.
Life has a way of bringing a lesson right back around until we get it.
Try to do better the next time.
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