DEAR BELLA: I’m still sleeping with my uncaring ex

Dear BellaDear Bella,

I have this dilemma where I am still having casual sex with my ex. I do not wish to add any new skeletons to my closet but the familiarity is comforting, however lately it has been less than comforting.

For starters, we are only seen together in the confines of a bedroom and he only comes to see me when he wants sex and not when I want it.

Lately he hasn’t been kissing me during sex or touching me, it is just in, out, goodbye.

When I ask him what are we? Or where is this going, he refuses to answer me.

When we were in a “serious” relationship, things were so different, he was so loving and caring, but later down he made a 360 degree turn.

I don’t think I can take this any longer.

This is so depressing; how do I break it up with him again?

Sincerely,
Scared of Lonely

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Dear Scared and Lonely,

First of all, you cannot break up anything that is not together and from all you’ve said, you and this ex are not together.

It appears that you are simply someone he is using for sex whenever he wants.

This man as far as his behavior is concerned is coming to meet his prostitute. You need to guard yourself against him. You must ensure that when he comes to his brothel, he doesn’t find you. He’s despicable and seems to be preying on your emotional weakness.

Listen Scared and Lonely, you must love yourself enough to know that you deserve better.

You shouldn’t be used like this in the name of familiarity. There’s nothing familiar about having casual sex with someone who doesn’t even want to kiss you or to be seen with you.

In fact, you should distance yourself from situations like these.

You, like many other young women settle for less because of the fear of being alone.

But Loneliness should not be equated with a fear of being alone.

Everyone has times when they are alone for situational reasons, or because they have chosen to be alone.

Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individual’s control.

Don’t think twice about taking a different road, just do it. One day you will look back and wonder why it took you so long to make that turn.

Best,

Bella

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48 Comments

  1. Bella B
    April 23, 2017

    let bygones be bygones….
    any EX u interfere with… you already give them the “go ahead” to disrespect u…

    they say forgive and move on not forget…. if u had remembered why u or him became an EX u wont be spreading 190 degrees for him…

  2. lovejoy
    April 21, 2017

    Mr. Hill, don’t believe everything you read. If God made us to his own image and likeness, therefore we must live a certain standard so as to please God. Human being body is very private and when you abuse it you pay a heavy price. See the farmers, a hole to each plant, putting two plants into one hole you are in trouble. Tell the people as it is ,they created it and not you. Daybachay.

  3. UDOHREADYET
    April 20, 2017

    first of all 360 degrees means the same place (all around turn, no change), 180 degree is turn the opposite direction.
    Second, men have emotions too, a man has to like you to enjoy sex with you, if you just allowing yourself to be used for sex, he will gradually loose interest and respect you less, its inevitable!
    lastly, if your mechanic is doing a worst job than before for the same price… its time t get new service, especially when you’re not in a contract (marriage) with that mechanic!

  4. Fran
    April 20, 2017

    Well never new I can add to what has already been said, except he made a 180 degree turn not 360. If he did a 360, he would be back to lovable. Girl love yourself.

  5. For Real
    April 20, 2017

    This is not the just the behaviour of an uncaring ex. This situation happens in marriages and exclusive relationships all the time as well. This is typical behaviour of men once they have gotten accustomed to a woman who has not laid any boundaries; has low self esteem and most time is financially and emotionally dependent on the man. You see, familiarity is not always comforting; it can be comfort for a fool. Young lady you need to begin to work on yourself. People (mostly women) will try to make you believe that being single is horrendous. Believe me, most of them (married/in exclusive relationships) are in the same situation as you are or even worse. Young lady, please take Bella’s good advice and move on with your precious life.

    • Amarossa
      April 20, 2017

      Co-sign!

    • April 22, 2017

      For Real:

      I am sorry to have to say you are wrong.

      A marriage is meant to be an exclusive relationship. The opposite to this is called an open marriage but it is not a Biblical marriage. I have performed enough marriages in several provinces of Canada to know the couple are required to each say in their vows *… forsaking all others …*

      As a certified pastoral counselor I can also tell you married couples have a greater chance of a happy and lasting relationship and a good life together. Your comment is untrue. It is misleading. It puts marriage down and tends to encourage common law relationships and fornication which is obviously not working in Dominica. Most of those who write to Bella are in this mess and trying to find a way out of a problem they would not have if they had lived by the moral code God has given us. I recommend you read Matthew 19:4-6, and 1 Corinthians 6:9,10.

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.

  6. Views
    April 20, 2017

    Chuppeeees…..l am sick and fed of of Dominican women who have low self esteem and make men use them. Men will only respect a woman if she respects herself. The only way to do that is by empowering yourself. Get a job, start a business one eDucate yourself by starting a course online or otherwise. Channel all your sexual energies in studies instead. At the end of it you will feel rewarded and gratified. Your self esteem will rise and you will get a better job. You may even get a respectable man again. Otherwise you will continue to be a looser. That is the only way for a woman. It is a worldwide phenomenon. Empower yourself.

  7. Scared of Lonely
    April 19, 2017

    Dear Bella

    Thank you for taking the time out to read and publish my story. Your kind words and motivating thoughts touched me, Great advice as usual….

  8. Oh snap
    April 19, 2017

    Child, you seriously have to write Bella for that? You should know what to do.

  9. Locs Girl
    April 19, 2017

    He’s just not that into you anymore and you’re what is called a “friend with benefits”. Distance yourself from that man before he brings you something you may not be able to get rid of.

  10. Shameless
    April 19, 2017

    Quit complaining and enjoy the ride. There is not a relationship, no kissing or foreplay yet you spreading to allow the pipe fitter to drop the water. You well enjoying your spree behind the new girlfriend back so chillax. You know there is no relationship but you asking where the relationship going. My girl, hush you mouth, enjoy the wine and stop looking for love where there is none. Enjoy the ride but just don’t ball-out in pleasure. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

    Assertive like Moses’s rod! :twisted:

  11. April 19, 2017

    Why do so many women end up this way :?:

    One reason is a lack of self esteem. Their self esteem is low or non-existent.. One thing that is not non- existent is their biological desire. But they do not feel they are good enough for a good man so they throw themselves at any man who will have them and usually it is somebody like themselves. When this kind of matching and mating continues for too long society ends up in a real mess.

    When a person is *born again* God begins a work of grace in his (her) heart that conforms us to the image of his Son (Jesus). Read Romans 8:28,29. It

    It is a natural law that we attract to us the kind of person we are ourselves. Those who are members of the family of God by the new birth rarely have a problem with self esteem! They know who they are *….. heirs of God and joint heirs with Jesus Christ.* (Romans 8:17)

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.

  12. Verywell
    April 19, 2017

    360 degrees right? And you noticed a difference? Well if things are different now then I don’t want to know what is was then!

    Is it me? lol

  13. african queen
    April 19, 2017

    hi lady u are being used like a slave,his preying on your weakness for him dont give into him let him loose.stand up to him and always remember love yourself first.this is a very sad thing to read be strong lady bella this is very good advice given .

    • Scared of Lonely
      April 19, 2017

      Thanks African Queen…Means a lot

      • Bella B
        April 23, 2017

        You need to take time alone and evaluate yourself. In other to love even anyone u gotta learn to be alone and love yourself…. quit with the infatuation and the idea of being with a man… buy u a toy btw,….so u wont need a man until u have actually healed.

        its not worth it chasing over anyone who doesnt have your best interest at heart….

    • dee
      April 20, 2017

      But what i hearing dere nah ,
      if de door not open , how de man walking in ?
      you dat opening de door and you want help to close it .
      dow open it in de firs place tan gyrol.
      it takes two hands to clap

  14. Al benoit
    April 19, 2017

    Girl you just a booty call

  15. Carol Freel
    April 19, 2017

    Married to a man who has sex like this … blam, blam, blam and go … no words, no kissing, no caressing … nothing. I left him 6 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did for my self esteem. He treats sex like a game of dominos – he doesn’t care who it’s with as long as he is satisfied. Anybody want him?

    • Scared of Lonely
      April 19, 2017

      Wow kudos to you!!! :-D

    • Desperate
      April 20, 2017

      How can I contact him? Please give me a number

      • April 21, 2017

        This lifestyle is widespread in Dominica, and the more it increases the greater the shame.

        These are the people who are writing to Bella. Further on they are turning to drugs, going into therapy, or checking themselves into psych wards. Further on their daughters are getting pregnant, and their sons are in trouble with the police. It is not a good life but it is all that is left if you reject the *strait gate and the narrow way*. See Matthew 7:13,14.

        But in the shadows stands One with nail prints in His hands softly whispering their name. Oh, that they would fall at His feet and call Him Lord! Please, please get your Bible and read about Him in Isaiah 53:5,6 and John 3:16,17. He wants to make all things new!

        Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.

  16. lulu
    April 19, 2017

    You are just a fool. Alot of silly women like you make other women look stupid

    • April 19, 2017

      True, but thank God women are not all he same. A good man will be drawn to good women.

      Keep your sights high and keep away from the low life.

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill

    • Scared of Lonely
      April 19, 2017

      it takes one to know one my dear

  17. Cee Bee Eye
    April 19, 2017

    Bella I disagree – she is causing herself to be used. don’t blame it on the man.

  18. Dominican
    April 19, 2017

    This is happening more often than we would like to admit

  19. April 19, 2017

    Your *ex* :?: Your *ex* what :?: Boyfriend :?: Husband :?: Bella does not seem to care otherwise she would have asked. It does not matter to you or you would have said. It does not seem to make any difference to you people just as long as it is somebody to have sex with.

    Any *love* there was in your *relationship* has obviously leaked out. This is to be expected in this kind of
    coupling. This is not the kind of foundation a good marriage is made of. It is not something couples are proud of. The Bible calls sex outside marriage *fornication*. It says *……they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.* (Galatians 5:19-21)

    But God will forgive you. This is why Jesus shed his blood and died on the cross. The Bible says *In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins.* (Colossians 1:14) It says *……the blood of Jesus Christ (God*s) Son cleanses us from ALL sin.* (1 John 1:7)

    Continued …

    • April 19, 2017

      Continuation …

      God will wipe your slate clean and give you a new beginning :!:

      This happens when you believe Christ died for you, and rose again, and receive Him as your Savior. Please read John 1:12,, John 3:16, 1 John 5:11-13, and Revelation 3:20 :!:

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill, D.D.

      • Channel 1
        April 19, 2017

        @Rev. Donald Hill. D.D. – You made a post some months ago in one of these Dear Bella relationship matters which has stuck with me since and you’re correct. I never realized it from the perspective you pointed it out.

        Your point centered around the following:

        Any time two persons are courting (or claim to be in a relationship) and they are both having sex with each other in their unmarried state, then either party shouldn’t be surprised if down the road – even after getting married – one of them ventures to have sex with another person to whom they are not married. Because from the get-go, that’s what they were practicing and condoning ie having sex with a person(s) to whom they were not married to.

  20. lovejoy
    April 19, 2017

    Go on EX! debachay like a crab. This was your reason for leaving her in the first place. She is too cheap. Wash and shake. Another one for Doc.Benjamin

    • Kumbaya
      April 19, 2017

      You are disgusting… you should emulate what Aaron Hernandez did today!! God forbid you have sisters, daughters, nieces or even a mother!!! Prayer to you!!

      • April 21, 2017

        Have you ever wondered why Satan targets women as he does :?: They fall the lowest, and the hardest. Men commit the greatest sins yet women suffer the most.

        It is because Satan – the arch enemy of souls – hates the female gender beyond words because from a woman came forth the Messiah Redeemer who bruised his head at Calvary. The Blessed Virgin Mary the Mother of our Lord brought forth the Savior *That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.* (St. John 3:15)

        Satan would like to defile the purity of every young woman and influence ungodly men to rob them of the grace God would bestow on their lives. It is an act of vengeance against womanhood for the unique role one woman -the Blessed Virgin Mother – had in the plan of redemption.

        Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill

      • Mrs Maury
        April 22, 2017

        And You Kumbaya are a damn fool to tell someone to emulate Aaron Hernandez what is your point. Come better than that stupes :mrgreen:

  21. zandoli
    April 19, 2017

    One common theme about these letters is, they all know what to do. It is very obvious the writer knows exactly what she should do, but is only looking to Bella for confirmation and validation of her next move.

    If you know what you need to do, you don’t need to consult anyone. Just do it and move on.

    • April 19, 2017

      They usually know what they SHOULD do but it is not what they WANT to do.

      They are hoping Bella will tell them it is O.K. to do what they want to do.

      Professional counselors (psychologists and psychiatrists) often can not cure your compulsion to do wrong. What they may be able to do – and try to do – is relieve the guilt. They may make it easier to live with the problem.

      However the desire to sin is part of the fallen nature we all inherited from our first parents Adam and Eve. For this we need the intervention of God. First He forgives us. Then He works on the problem. Deliverance may be immediate or it many be gradual. But it begins when we open the door of our heart by faith and receive Christ as our Lord and Savior by BELIEVING that Christ bore our sins in His own body on the cross.

      There is power in HIS blood to set us free if we will only believe :!:

      Please read:

      Isaiah 53:5,6,
      Romans 5:6,
      Romans 5:8.
      John 3:16,
      John 3:38.

      Sincerely, Rev…

  22. papa
    April 19, 2017

    Woman get a life the guy dont want u

  23. TPH
    April 19, 2017

    Great advise Bella! This lady should also surround herself with those who truly love her- her fams and friends. Tell them how you feel. When you feel lonely, seek them out – give them a call, visit them, go for drinks. Make sure you are UNAVAILABLE to this ex of yours. Being single can be so freeing!!!!!! See the pleasures in being single- dress up, look good, join a gym, learn a new language, read a new book, hang out every week with your friends and know that you are the best thing out there since sliced bread…then sit back and watch the compliments fly your way.

    • Kumbaya
      April 19, 2017

      Amazing advice TPH…God bless you!!!

    • For Real
      April 20, 2017

      I agree. Great advice TPH.

    • April 20, 2017

      TPH, this is an excellent comment. Thank you!

      The lady needs to start DOING the right things and good things will HAPPEN in her life!

      You mentioned some of these things. It is amazing how what we DO changes how we FEEL but this is sound psychology. It was taught by William James a famous psychologist many years ago. He wrote
      two outstanding books, Principles of Psychology 1, and Principles of Psychology 2.

      She would benefit from reading her Bible beginning with The Gospel of St. John, and by attending an evangelical church where the message of salvation (the gospel) is preached according to 1 Corinthians 15:1-4 and Romans 1:16. What she needs first is to get saved by believing that Christ paid the penalty for her sins as in Romans 5:6-8, and to receive Christ as her Savior – calling upon Him in prayer asking Him to come into her heart according to Romans 10:13, and the promise of St. John 1:12, and Revelation 3:20.

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. (Evangelist)

    • Bella B
      April 23, 2017

      instead of crying over spilt milk… true words..

      when an ex ever see u.. he or she suppose to lament!! lol..

  24. ?
    April 19, 2017

    Boudie !!!! Girl you are sick if a man can not kiss you when making love you must know it over yeah over seek the lord.

  25. jihan
    April 19, 2017

    girl you have no respect and like many others no self respect for yourself,stop being so low.

  26. follow the crumbs
    April 19, 2017

    enjoy the ride. you want what isnt there. if the ride too bumpy, debachay!

  27. April 19, 2017

    This guy is in a relationship, but it seems like he love your sex better , or maybe if you were the one who broke up the relationship in the first place he is making you feel dirtykick this guy to the curb

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