DEAR BELLA: My father suddenly appears and wants a relationship

Dear BellaDear Bella,

Now hear that.

Every time I read your page, I seeing a set of women having man problem and sex problem and cheating problem and a set of things that don’t really making sense.

So hear that, since I was a yute my father left my mother and go foreign. He never really check me. I never even hear from mister for years. Now I seventeen mister come back from overs and checking he is coming for me because he is doing better now.

He came at my mother’s home and bring a whole lot of things and money and checking that can maybe make up for lost time.

I heard he is married now and he is driving a nice car and thing.

But I checking I am not going with him because I don’t know him. My mother is really angry but she said it is best I go with him because it is better for me.

But Bella I don’t really know mister and I checking I am staying with my queen boi.

What you saying I should do about that now?

De Yute

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Hello De Yute,

I think you should give your father a chance. There are many children who die not knowing who their biological father is.

Perhaps your dad had a rough time trying to settle in a new environment.

I am not making any excuses for him but the fact that he made an attempt to return to pay attention to you is a good sign.

If you are not comfortable with going away with him just yet then tell him so. Tell him you need time. In that time get a chance to know him. Communicate with him. Let him tell you why he never played his role in the early stages of your life. Give it a wait and see approach. At least he’s making an effort.

P.S and just in case you think I cannot speak like you… “Free up d man”

Best

Bella

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45 Comments

  1. Rowrowbaby
    May 13, 2017

    Yute you may have a better opportunity and an alley to help your mom out in the long run. Better education a job and chance to maybe file for your mom

  2. May 12, 2017

    I can relate to that my son feel the same about his father. How tell manmy am a man now am no longer a baby that when I did need him not now. I tell my son know let him eat his heart out.i would say to you go for it if you love your mother give her that give for mother’s day.

  3. lisa
    May 12, 2017

    cont’d

    don’t think that he is going to cuddle you. Its a sink or swim world and you have to go to foreign with the mentality that you are going to make it. So get smart, take that opportunity

    when you get settled over there, ask your dad to go see a therapist with you so that you can resolve your issues.

    Good luck and i pray for your sake, you hop on this chance…

  4. lisa
    May 12, 2017

    Best Advice – take this now opportunity that you have been given. Dominica has nothing and no future. If it’s one thing he is offering you it’s an opportunity to grab a better life.
    My mom left me at 13 with no father figure and went to the US ot make a better life. I was in first form. after I graduated college I went to visit her and never came back to Dominica, except for visit every 2 years.

    Frankly, I hated her for abandoning me a little girl. I was never assaulted or anything, i just felt abandoned.

    today, i cannot be more thankful for the opportunity which she has given me. I’m now a lawyer. If i had stayed in Dominica poor and with only a college education, I may have followed the family trend and had a few babies right now.

    I say take that chance, not just for yourself or your mom and run with it.
    Having said that, be aware, family in foreign and family in Dca are different. You have to wrok your ass off because you are technically on your own.

    • Ehbeh way
      June 9, 2017

      Yes family in foreign are dogs

  5. Jaime
    May 11, 2017

    I can only imagine….the father has to ecpect your reaction….its normal to feel the way u feel…u felt abandoned…neglected and u have the right to vent out….no one should tell u to accept him or aooreciate him….u are the victim here….take it one day at a time …just weigh out thr benefits despite your feelings….even if u never forgive him its ok….just think of the pros for now….ur father has to work to acheive ur trust and aporeciation and not the other way around….i am in the exact situation….i had a child with a dominican after three years and still currently together and the child is now almost a year and he has not seen the baby…..i showed him his dads picture and i lost my iphone in the process and he is only ten months old…..i understand u but u may need ur dad and whst he id offering now….think of it….think of the benefits…..think of urself….may god help u and my son if not too late….god bless

  6. UDOHREADYET
    May 11, 2017

    Every family is different, every parent and childhood experience and relationship is also different. Non of them are perfect, they all have their issues whether it’s a two parent or single parent household.
    I grew u without a father… luckily I have my father mannerisms which allowed me to not hold grudges nor harbor hatred.
    I think that if you remove the negative thoughts about the person in your mind and focus on the future and not the past (not forgetting the past) it will lift a huge weight off your shoulder (you will think clearer and show more love) and allow you to rebuild a bridge that someone else may have burned a long time ago through no fault of yours.
    If your mom and dad had issues or made mistakes… now is your chance to repair those mistakes and strengthen the bond with your family on both sides!
    you live a happier life and that happiness will hopefully inspire you to do better academically as well!

  7. zandoli
    May 11, 2017

    Again I ask, if allyuh know what you want to do, why allyuh coming to Bella with your problem? Just do what you want to do. Toneh!!

  8. smh
    May 11, 2017

    bella i think you should firstly advise this young person to stay in school and learn to speak properly. i’m disappointed that you stooped to his level in the end.it wasnt funny.
    young person don’t let the money and things he has fool you as it apparently fooled your mom. if you don’t know him and he never stayed in contact with you guys you don’t know how he came to obtain these nice things and money. continue to stay with your mom and communicate with him, build a relationship with him, get to know him and his life (if you choose to) and then someday you could maybe go with him if you please. do you know what he does for a living? at 17 years you should be in college and building the foundation to your future. i hope this daddy of yours is on the up and up and is not just recruiting you for illegal activities.

    • Shortie
      May 11, 2017

      Oh please… ‘free up Bella’…. and YES it was funny!…………. and BTW you too NEED some lessons, like the first letter of the first word of a sentence begins with a CAPITAL (BIG) letter!

    • BEB
      May 11, 2017

      I support ur advise but don’t u know that to every fool stop, follows a capital letter?

      • Ideal
        June 3, 2017

        And the correct word is “full stop” not “fool stop”. You need to educate yourself not giving advice.

  9. I wish to apologize for the repetition of my comments here. :oops:

    Again and again my work disappeared from the screen. I did it again best I could remember what I had written. Then along with the second stuff the old comments came back. I am trying to find out what the technical problem is to stop this from happening. Thank you for your patience.

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Evangelist. (Pastoral Counselor Certificate)

  10. Bullshit
    May 11, 2017

    This was some great advance you give. He should give his dad a chance cause he is trying now to make up for lost time. We all didn’t born with a gold spoon in our mouth. But we have to work hard to get that gold spoon. So my boy give him a chance and take that opportunity go better off yourself make your queen proud. And if you want to come back come back home to develop invest. Is your life make something great out of it.

  11. OldMercs
    May 11, 2017

    You have to do what you are comfortable with. I am right now reuniting with my two daughters in the UK and their family’s after 45 years apart. My younger daughter Rachel s daughter Chloe is about to make me a Grand Father. In the past week we are getting to know each other and hope to keep the new relationship alive even though we in different countries.

  12. May 11, 2017

    Yute, give him a chance or tell him that you don’t do “suddenly.” End of story.

  13. Daughter of the soil
    May 10, 2017

    My yute listen here I know how u feel take some time and think about it I was once in that situation now I’m on my own cause I could feel the hatred but hey I’m making a life for myself. Go for it my friend good advice Bella

  14. yes sa
    May 10, 2017

    Think of your future. You are 17 so try get to where your dad is before 18. Be smart. Open your eyes. Absorb new things. If things are not working out return home. At least give it a try.

  15. dady b
    May 10, 2017

    forgive and forget the pass go for it later u will beanle to better help.your mum take it from me da have northing do it now time waits for no man barret in the us one love man go and keep tab with mum

  16. Be kind to your father and tell him you are glad he came to see you. Ask him in a kind way why he left you so many years ago and has not checked on you through the years. Listen and do not be judgmental.
    No doubt he has had his hurts in life and these things are sometimes difficult for a young person to understand.

    Talk to your mother. You do not want to lose your relationship with her. Ask her if you went with your father and it did not work could you come back to her.

    It might be a good thing to go for a limited time – on a trial basis – to get to know the man and see if worked, and them return to your mother. You could do this again and again. For a while you could divide your time between the two places. Remember you are 17, and I expect eventually you may be married or out on your own. By then you could have established a proper relationship with you father that would be in place for the years to come.

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill

  17. Thinking. hummmm....
    May 10, 2017

    Hello De Yute,
    Not for your father but for yourself, you may be able to have a better life. What your father can offer you now may be best for you. So after you calm down please think positively. That move may enable you to do well for yourself and in turn even help your mother. Plus, if you finally forgive your father you will have two parents in your life instead of one. My father died when I was little and I always wondered what it would have been like to have one. So make amends and improve your life. Best of luck.

  18. Local- Are RE REE
    May 10, 2017

    :-D lol “free d man” he probably worked soo hard all these years saying in his mind he want you to be around!

    PS. If life sweet already for you here in Dca, then doe go my boy!

  19. Be kind towards your Father. Let him know you are glad to see him and appreciate him coming to visit you.

    Ask open ended questions. These are questions that allow the person to answer with an explanation, and give room for a discussion.

    Ask him why he left you and your Mum, and why he did not check on you through the years.

    You have a right to find out all you can about him and what has been happening in his life during the years he has been absent.

    Have a good talk with your Mum. Find out how your Mum really feels about you staying with him. Try to keep a good relationship with her. See if it would be O.K. to divide your time by visiting back and forth for a while before you make anything final. Do you get the feeling that she s trying to push you out or does she really want what is best for you :?:

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.

    Ask him what you could expect if you went with him. Would he help you with your education :?: Would he
    help you with you career…

  20. Dominican
    May 10, 2017

    Hahahahahah Hey Bella you made my day with this one. :lol: :lol: That was one heck of a best response. In essence he or she can get to know the man but be careful. They do not know his character what is he is a child molester or some sort of criminal? Tread carefully but give him a chance to give his side of the story.

    • This is wise advise.

      You do not yet know the man. He could be a bad character.

      It might be good to divide your time between him and your mother. Spend short periods of time with him. Speak kindly to him, but gently ask why he left his family, and why he did not check on you through the years. Do not rush into a father-daughter relationship. Take the time to make inquiries and learn all you can about the man.

      Do not lose your relationship with your mother. Ask her if the door would be open for you to return to her
      if things did not work out with your father.

      The Bible says *Honor thy father AND mother: which is the first commandment with promise. That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long upon the earth.* (Ephesians 6:2,3) This does NOT mean we should allow either of them to abuse us. It means we are to show respect for them both and be as kind and helpful to them as possible.

  21. “Free up d man”

  22. Lulu
    May 10, 2017

    Lol!

    Grassroots lingo! :lol: :lol:

  23. Kermit
    May 10, 2017

    As a 17 year old stop writing how you speak sweetheart. From the first line I stopped reading.

    • Me
      May 10, 2017

      If you stopped reading from the first line, how do you know he is 17?

      • TINA
        May 10, 2017

        exactly…..lol. Thats a bella with a difference. Give people something to laugh about after that departure tax slap.

    • May 10, 2017

      Too bad, because for all that, she explained her situation clearly and succinctly, and her choice of language cleverly conveyed her hesitation to leave her home for an unseen country.

    • May 11, 2017

      Kermit, you too sensitive. Chill

  24. 1979 is forever....
    May 10, 2017

    nice…..good advice bella…..as a man and as a parent to a stepchild…. you guys don’t know what may have happened between Ur parents and no one can punish a person more than himself…. while you may be hating this man for circumstances… do you know how many years this man may have been punishing himself??.you live with one parent all ur life so u know their side of the story and their feelings…but what about his side???? I know what it is to leave your flesh and blood in a situation so that you can try and better yourself to make things better for everyone… the sacrifice is not always appreciated… money cannot make up for lost time…but it takes two to make a situation what is is…for better…or for worse…the choice is always ours…..

    • Non-Dotish Dominican
      May 10, 2017

      bravo!!!! well said

  25. MR. PROLIFIC
    May 10, 2017

    Well! from day one your mother been telling you lies,lies and lies again. AND NOW THE TRUTH IS OUT. You were forced to call Tom , dick and harry uncle even though you don’t like them, go and improve yourself enjoy but don’t forget your mother.

  26. Righteous
    May 10, 2017

    Brother man, things happen and while I eh condoning what your ole man did, trust me it was a tough situation for him back then. You eh have to go with him immediately, but do not give up on having that relationship with your ole man. Give it time my yute and you will not regret it. It takes a lot for man or woman, to leave a kid in that situation, but it takes a man to admit the wrong and to try to fix it.

    One Love

  27. CONSCIOUS
    May 10, 2017

    I must say to the young man and it is the truth. Your father could have called or send your mom money but i know of parents have sent for the children below age 18. These children have suffered. Why? Their partners were not good to their children. Not only that probably he was afraid you would be influenced by theother country culture and be in trouble.
    You are able to know good from bad for yourself. You are able to be left in a house by yourself according to the american law. Give yourself a chance take a year to think of what you would like to do. Put hatred aside it can destroy your thinking and decisions. HATRED and ANGER are heavy loads put it down and move ON.

  28. Non-Dotish Dominican
    May 10, 2017

    Ok. That one hit home. I agree with Bella. Talk to your father; find out what happened and then take it from there.

    Here’s some advise I got way back when from a very good friend “if you have a chance to make amends with your father, grab it because my dad died when I was a child and how I wished I had the opportunity to know him”.

    I took that advise and it paid off – my dad and I are very close now. The memories of the rough times are there but hey, we actually have a relationship now.

    • BEB
      May 11, 2017

      I would like to know how can u and ur dad be close now,when he is dead?

      • Really
        May 11, 2017

        I don’t think you understood clearly what the person was trying to say. It’s the person who was giving her the advice whose father died. Not hers.

  29. Dominican passports
    May 10, 2017

    Either you swallow your pride and go for a possibly better life or you do it on your own with you and your mom, the choice is yours.

  30. Arthur
    May 10, 2017

    Excellent advise. Especially the last paragraph.

  31. funny1205
    May 10, 2017

    I doh want to laugh na but hahahahahahaha Bella I am not able with you!

  32. q
    May 10, 2017

    :-D :-D :-D :-D Bella “free up d Man”? lololol

  33. mary waner
    May 10, 2017

    If you don’t feel comfortable going tell him let u think about it until u fully get to know what kind of person he is because if he wasn’t there before why now show up?

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