I love my boyfriend but I love me more

Dear BellaI have a problem and although I may know the answer, I need to have a second opinion.

I have been in a steady relationship for seven years now. Out of that seven we have been living together for 4 years plus.

Over that four year plus span, we have been through a lot, and have gained a lot through collaboration.

But the thing is I did some unforgivable things at the start of the relationship. I admit, and I am sorry. It never happened again.

But over five years I thought that maybe he has forgiven me, even though he brings it up when we argue. According to him, it is meant to remind me.

But about a year and a half ago, I started seeing his behaviour changing slowly but surely. He began working late some times and so on. But this past year it’s like practically every night (including weekends).

Then, money started becoming unaccounted for, nights, weekends and stories started coming in full swing.

And, so obviously, the arguments and all that (although we have had that before) became frequent.

So, Bella, every night I am alone till late, with his son who also lives with us for one year now.

He is in no hurry to commit, but he wants a child from me. I am way younger than him although he is not old.

But I need to get my life together. Seven years is a long time to still be thinking.

I am stuck since I think I love him, but I love me more. We don’t go out any more, everything is changed.

I also met someone who seems like the real deal.

What should I do?

Stuck
……………………………………………………………………………………………

Dear Stuck,

As you were writing this letter I am sure you were confirming what you already plan to do.  I wish you had shared with us what you really want to do.

You have invested emotions and finance into a relationship and seven years after you realize that the individual does not want to commit.  Be careful not to make the norms of society be what you are using to determine commitment.  Many-a-common-law relationship withstand rain and fire; however if marriage makes you happy, you should communicate that to your partner.  Building a life together has to do with willingness by both parties to live together.  There is an expression: Live while you are living.  This means to enjoy the finer things of life together.  Go dining, travel.

You say that he is not willing to commit but that he wants a baby.  Is the friction between the two of you because of your unwillingness to have his child?  Is it possible that he is allowing you to be home with his son to develop maternal instincts?  Did you build courage to question this relationship and to see the flaws because you looked out the window and say “greener grass”?  I am sure that when you met your current lover he was Mr Right.

If you are taking the time to write this letter and to ponder this relationship, you need to talk to your man.  Find out from him what is the problem, if there is one, and let him know that you are not happy with the long hours out. You all need to identify where the relationship went cold and try to spark the fire again.  You do not want to have to throw out everything that you all worked to build only to find out that you were only speculating.  Relationships may tend to grow cold but it is put to those in the relationship to work to get back the flames and if that cannot happen, then they will take other steps.  Be sure to know what you know that you should know before making any big moves.

Bella

Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published on Tuesdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.

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28 Comments

  1. September 26, 2013

    Stuck: :-?

    When people are in a difficult situation they often ask for advice hoping to receive a confirmation of what they want to do. The problem is nobody wants to hurt them 8-O so they don’t tell them the truth – the hard cold facts – that could point the way to be better life. :-o

    Here is the truth. :idea:

    This man is not married to you but you are living with him. When he is having sex with you he is having sex with a woman who is not his wife. This is a serious sin the Bible calls “fornication”. Yes, I know MANY people are “doing it” but this is why society is in the mess it’s in. :cry: This is why young girls are dropping out of school. It is why single mothers are struggling alone to raise children. It is why children are growing up in homes with no fathers present. It is why so many of these children are getting into trouble with the law. So many people are “doing it”. They are the ones writing to BELLA for help, or seeing counselors, or going into therapy.

    People of the world laugh at Christians who try to live by the Bible. They make fun of us and say we are old fashioned. But we are not the ones who are falling apart. :-P I know the principles that work. In my ministy I am sharing them with peple around the world.

    You should not be surprised if he is having sex with another woman. You already know he thinks it is O.K. to have sex with a woman who is not his wife. He knows legally he does not belong to you any more than he belongs to any other woman out there.

    When a man’s values (if he has any) do not include chastity, marriage, and faithfulness, 8) he is a taker, not a giver. If he seems kind and gives it is for what he gets or hopes to receive in receive in return. :oops:

    You say he is in no hurry to “commit”. I assume this means to get married. Yet he wants you to have a baby by him. Men who do not value marriage do not value family. He thinks of a child as a possession – a status symbol. Of course he would like one for you to raise while he comes and goes, and plays the field. :twisted:

    Stuck, we attract to ourselves the kind of person we are ourselves. What would happen if you separate from this man and spend some time trying to become the kind of woman a really good man would be proud to introduce as “my wife?” If, while you are working on yourself, you begin spending time at places where good, respectable, people are? :idea: Notice now, I’m not telling you to do these things :!: I’m only saying, “What if …. :?:

    Actually, I think you are capable of much better than your present situation.

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill, Pentecostal Evangelist. :lol:

  2. Confused
    September 26, 2013

    Wow, it’s amazing how proper english is completely unaccounted for in every sentence of this story…. Double negatives; unfinished sentences; improper use of words…. I mean come on, get it together people. Smh

  3. 1979
    September 26, 2013

    girl go yer, the man doe need a headache like you….

  4. Wait dere
    September 25, 2013

    No!!! Bella!!! Seriously???? Choops… That response would make me worry so much more.

  5. UDOHREADYET
    September 25, 2013

    sometimes I read the comments before I read Bella’s response. Though she is right in this case. You need to communicate your concerns directly to the parties involved… your man! women seldom leave their lovers until they find someone else to take his place … look like you’ve found a replacement. You just want a confirmation. The root of all this is lust… you are home alone and need someone to warm up too you’ve waited for your BF too long. Now someone else knows you’re home alone and want to scratch your itch. He may be working to pay the bills save money and handle businesses or seeing someone else. You will always think the later, he’s seeing someone else because you have needs that aren’t being met and you’ve found someone who can meet those needs. Beware, you’re no longer a child and in life you can’t have everything all at once, you also have to make sacrifices to get what you want. Jesus sacrifice his life to save the world, maybe you could sacrifice your pride and lust to save your relationship. Let your man know what you need and how you can help him achieve his and your goals together.

    • 1979
      September 26, 2013

      amen…..

  6. Anonymous
    September 25, 2013

    you never miss the water till the well run dry :lol:

  7. 1979
    September 25, 2013

    girl listen to this song….”from time” – Drake…

    Some of you ladies love yourselves enough for two people…. Ergo no need for a third…

    and no, i’m not saying a person shouldn’t love themselves, but my god… who fooled some of you into thinking that anything worth having in this life would be just handed to you…

  8. Anonymous
    September 25, 2013

    Why buy the Cow when you can get the milk for free?!

  9. Alluwillkillme
    September 25, 2013

    girl run way and left Mr in his bowdel! wat u look like? Mary the Maid?

  10. Cumfreda
    September 25, 2013

    Puss this is commess

  11. Sam
    September 25, 2013

    Honey if you loved yourself more you would have been gone. Don’t listen to Bella that response was wack..Bella you’ve got to do better than that. Young lady if he keeps bringing up the things you’ve done in the past then he hasn’t forgiven you. He’s probably wonder every day “is she going to do that again? can I trust her”? If you love you more, then do what makes you happy. Pray for the courage to do the right thing. Don’t bring a kid into this “relationship” thinking it’s going to make everything better…It will not. Good Luck.

  12. September 25, 2013

    Does the number of years you two together determine if you should commit or not? Start behaving like a wife and stop watching your years together and he will commit.

  13. wake up
    September 24, 2013

    Wake up and smell the coffee girl. I’ve be in your shoes. When they start to work longer and later and have no proof of more money coming in, he is CHEATING.! It is no your child, why isn’t he home to help take care of his child. He see you soft and too easy, so he has no resect for u, and using you as a babysitter instead of a lover. This is the problem for us women. We need to stand our ground, if after living for so many years with no commitment, and he is dumping his child on u, it is time to count your losses and move on. Even if you have to get a lawyer to divide the joint assets. Life is too short and you need to enjoy life too.

    Why is it that women have to make all the efforts in a relationship or marriage. Cooking, cleaning, making babies and so on, and the men has so much time on their hands? Sometimes the men is not even worth the effort. Too many married women in Dominica is in disrespectful marriages, just to say they are married, and the other women their husband have are showing off to them. This is just disgusting. And some of them, before their wives dies, they have another women. We need to wake up women. We are not punching bags or after refuse.

  14. Eyeballs
    September 24, 2013

    Girl, that relationship is over or he might just be taking a break from you or he is seeing another woman.

  15. AmazingFace
    September 24, 2013

    “I love me more???” If you had loved yourself more you wouldn’t be on here asking Bella silly questions about your cheating man, you would know what you have to do….stupes! Girl, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it’s a bleddy duck!!!

  16. J
    September 24, 2013

    but Bella u dooooh easy! that u tellign the girl? Ebeh is now she stick! My girl, leave mr…run!!!!!!!!!! One, u see he coming home late everynight u better believe he by his side dish my girl!AND u there minding child? hahahahahaa…look kix!Girl doh make no child for Mr. Now u will stick in it!The man going out with his fresh ting and u inside playing part Mary The Maid?…wooooy…AGAIN! my girl ! I know u love him but run! If me and my child father never had no baby, me woulda a done leave his rasssss!!!!…And that is nutting for me to do still…love does not hurt! his friend said that to me once and is now i get it!..read yur bible tan! At the end of time, man shall no longer love oneanother but himself and money!

    • living in faith
      October 17, 2013

      real talk

  17. Too hard too long
    September 24, 2013

    There is not enough love in this house. He getting some loving outside. Run girl, run!

  18. deesseafricane
    September 24, 2013

    bella i reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wonder about your advise sometimes. smh smh

  19. White Diamond
    September 24, 2013

    Sounds like

    he is taking dee wine
    from de Pastah’s brew

    Look lyrics yess!

  20. '
    September 24, 2013

    straight from the heart.

  21. '
    September 24, 2013

    seek the Lord while he may b found call upon him while he is near. soon and very soon boyfriend will not matter at all. seek God first.

  22. September 24, 2013

    once again lady ,why buy the milk when u can get the milk for free?to many of u ladies make that mistake of moving in with men they will never commit .have them hounding u like a dog and u will see if they won`t put a ring on it.

    • 1979
      September 25, 2013

      Because we all know…”men are dogs” right????

      pfffft

    • Anonymous
      September 25, 2013

      So very true and its not just the milk for free the Cow as well. We women need to learn how to stop being fearful and appreciate our worth.

  23. monica
    September 24, 2013

    no sense

  24. hohohohohohooooooooo
    September 24, 2013

    BELLA ASKS… Is it possible that he is allowing you to be home with his son to develop maternal instincts? LOLZZZZZZZ I know Bella Self doh have good head eh….ok Bella dah one deh sounding wayyyyyyy off

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