I am in love with this guy, who I think is in love with me too. The thing is he only says he loves me after having a few drinks, so I am not sure about his true feelings, or if he is just a coward about the whole affair. We go everywhere together and everybody knows us as a couple, and we behave accordingly, but he just does not say he loves me. Is he afraid that I might hurt him, if I am aware of his true feelings.
But because he does not tell me exactly how he feels, I am unsure as to my role in his life. Some days I think I am just wasting my time. I have been in other relationships before, and never have I have had this situation, its almost like me going after him, instead of the other way around. I would do anything for him, but I am wondering if he will do the same for me.
Some days I feel like I am being used, and he is just waiting one day that his ex girlfriend will accept him back, and then he would not have made any commitments to me, so he will feel free to just walk away.
I am wasting my time and affection?
Lonely Nights
Dear Lonely Night,
Love is a two way street and if you are not getting what you are giving, then it’s time to move on because sweetie your nights will indeed continue be lonely.
If a man is only willing to admit his feelings when he is intoxicated, then that’s a red flag right there. I think you should put your boots on the ground and give him some time to “sober up”.
You should not do “anything” for a man who won’t do “everything” for you. If you feel you are being used, then maybe you are. I also get the feeling that you are keeping something else inside. What’s this about his ex taking him back? I hope it doesn’t mean that he was dumped by her? Because if that’s the case, your guy is probably on the rebound. It could also be the case where he’s killing time with you in the hopes of getting his ex girlfriend back.
Life is too short to be waiting on a man to decide whether he loves you naturally or after a few drinks. I say kick him to the curb.
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published Tuesdays and Thursdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
My boyfriend is from another country, he moved to florida to work, but left his wife i believe they separeted but he istill married to her.. they have one child and he has another child with another woman back home.. he has been her more than seven years.. I only known him for one year and a half! but since we met, we have been going on and off.. we live toguether for 3 months and then he dumped me and moved with a bunch of guys now he is back with me.. we live toguether at the moment but he is only sweet with me and tells me how much he cares about me when he is drunk.. I do everything for him but he only makes me happy when we have sex the rest of the time is only me, kissing and huging him sometimes I feel like Im invading his space even though he lives with me .. I love him and I never felt like this with anyone in my life I even left a 16 year relashionship for him but I dont care I just want him to tell me he loves me when he is not drunk.. I really believe he cares about me but he is afraid to show it because he has been hurt so many times.. please I just want to have a better relationship with the best man I have ener known and the best lover I’ve ever had..this is the kind of relashionship you see on the tv, where just by touching you your man makes you melt.. I always tought thats crap none of that is true, they just want people to see the shows! I was wrong that really does exist and I found my man I dont want to loose him… I didnt force him to move in with me… how can I make him tell me He loves me.. without asking?
If when he is drunk he loves all, it can be a bad sign. It can also means he loves you for sex but not really for what you are. Be careful, I think it is not a good sign!
bella u really not the best advice giver na. awa man. my girl better u go talk to de guy and just show de man how u feel.
The key to sucessful relationship is communication! You need to communicated your concerns with your partner to eliminate that doubt you have… Because it will prevent a block in having a better relationship :-)
Talk to him and ensure he isn’t under the influence too (:
This boy is not a man… and should be ashamed of his self if he doing this crapp. is like he making a fool of you. if was in was ur positon i would break up with him to see if he’ll come back atleast he if does come back den then you can atleast have a feeling that he really loves u.. and that’s the truth..Girls Dont let man think they have control over u.. Show them we Run the world and we are the Bosses in this world ! # Best of luck !!
SEND HIM TO REHAB WITH Lindsay Lohan….
SOME PEOPLE TALK ONLY WHEN THEY ARE DRUNK
MAYBE THATS’ THE ONLY WAY HE CAN EXPRESS HIS TRUE FEELING. IF HE RESPECTS AND TREATS YOU
GOOD, TALK TO HIM DON’T DISRESPECT HIM AND
YOU SEE WHERE YOU STAND IN THIS RELATIONSHIP
Boring stories this week. Also Bella you are not consistent anymore. Many times you don’t post anything on Tuesdays and Thursdays, what’s wrong?
The man lacks confidence to tell you he loves you while he is sober silly because he is afraid of rejection…do you tell him you love him?
Men!women say LOVE is the KEY!
Well, Love the key to the SUV.
Love the key to the land and other property
Love is the key to the money at NBD.
Love is the key, men are you ready?
So in other words your love is just materialistic? What low self esteem
My Girl, U all on the internet lookin for help and your man by u everyday to ask a question?
And all of those ppl here tellin u to leave the man like Bella, probably have man dat does beat dem every 2 days and they still dere.
Don’t make ppl tell u how to live make up ur own dam mind.
@Burnin de Hypocrites..Hellooooo ! The man have to drink rum in order to tell her how he feels that’s what have her coming to the forum..She can’t get a straight answer from him. Yes you are right there are probably people getting beatings from their man everyday but they are not complaining and looking for answers. So let’s suppose she decide to take your advice and ask him a question, then what? She have to wait until he gets drunk to get an answer since that’s the only time he want to express his feelings. Then you there busy telling the woman not to let people tell her how to live and what you doing? The same damn thing everybody else doing freely voicing your views and opinion. So What’s your point ?
yea i agree with u full time
Take comfort in the fact that people usually say what is on their mind they drink alcohol.It is quit possible that the man loves you, but does not have the courage to say this when he is sober. At a drunk stay people feel a sate of euphoria and feel free about about expressing themselves.
Is it only when he is drunk he says “I love you’? or did he say “I love you only when I’m drunk? lol..lol
Either way, it’s time to move on. Unless you have low self esteem, then stay and take crap. Stup1d!
i’ve always heard that when a man is drunk, he speaks the truth, so mayb when he’s in a sober mode, put him to sit down and speak to him. and find out exactly how he really feels..trust me..it will work
p.s. the part about the ex..u souund a bit insecure for my part..u need to get over it first be4 u even hear the words love u from the guy.
Girl do what’s best for you! cause….STAY with him, people will label you, walk away they will do the same……but remember this….the next MAN might or might not say those three little words, and even if he says them once or twice! there are no guaranty that he means them…for love is an entity, something which develops in time….and is felt in good times and in bad…so far you have not said HUSBAND, which means you are a young woman.. when /if you fine true love you’ll have no need to write to BELLA…who know your true love is in sight, While you looking elsewhere…
LOVING YOU COMES FIRST…BELIEVING IN YOU IS YOUR FOUNDATION….
BONNE CHANCE MON AMIE……
42 comments here and I really would like to talk with my facebook friends, so I do not have much time to read all of you, as I have chosen to do most of time.
But to those of you who do not agree with Bella’s advice I am on your side.
To the person identified as Gata, your comment is almost like what I am going to say here, in a different way.
Lonely nights, first of I need to tell you that my mom and dad is now in their late 70’s and they have been together since my mom was 18 and dad was 19. I know because of my age–their first daughter. 10 of us alive are their only children. Together they conceived 15 times.
I am telling you all of this because of your complaint or concern: that your man only tells you he loves after he has had a few drinks. I notice that you called yourself “lonely nights” but mentioned nothing about him leaving you lonely at nights. If that is the case then that is a different situation.
Otherwise all you did was sound paranoid, or as Gator said, insecure–as if you are trying to compete with your man’s ex and you are thing that she will win over you.
You also sound like you are suffering from a bout of wild-imaginings, with your comment: “Some days I feel I am being used, and he is just waiting for one day when his ex-girlfriend will accept him back–not having made commitments–so he will feel free to just walk away.”
Why do you think it is that way? You did not say anything to indicate that can happen. Are you basing all of this on the fact that he only tells you he loves you after he has had a few drinks.
Well I remember when I was a small girl, and my dad would be sitting with friends after they had a few drinks and he would start singing love songs, knowing that my mom was hearing him. Yeah, always after he had his drinks. My did only drinks on weekends and holidays, like most men. He is not an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink everyday and all times of the day.
But I know that my dad loved my mom and his children too, when he would come home from a hard day’s work and he would cook the heartiest meal for us, while my mom was at her sewing machine or something like that.
You said that you and your man go everywhere together, and people recognize you two as a couple, and you two conduct yourselves accordingly.
So what is the big deal if he only tells you he love after he has had a few drinks.
“It is like me going after him instead of the other way around”. Lonely nights, my lady, I do not how old you are, but this is 2011. If you love you man show him you love him. I know that men loves women to make the first move–pertaining to all of what you mean by you going after him.
In this time and age men and women are discovering that they meet each other halfway, in terms of intimate relationship. As far as I am concerned there is no more thinking about it is the man’s job in today’s world–when it comes to intimate relationship. He ain’t doing no job without you and you the other way around.
Most of all Love does not look for someone who loves her before she can love back. Loves goes after the one she loves with the hope that she will bond with him. And if you do not find that you two are bonding in love, than give it up–he is not for you.
But when you hold on to the idea that: I would do anything for him, but I am wondering if he will do the same for me” This sound like you waiting for him to prove himself to you–but you are not being fair to him either. Are you sure that you really love this man?
That’s a stupid advice
Bella Must be from Grand bay!!! Tehbeh!!!!
We on same page!
I am actually happy for this article cause i am in a similar situation.Well he tells me he love me everyday and kisses me goodbye when i live to go work.
But he only expresses his loving emotions when he is drunk.In fact the only time he talks about marriage is when hes drunk.
On the contrary i cannot stic a drunk man.It irritates all the bones in my body!All now so the man drunk making dayba in the house…Lord help me
women are very complicated. the man tells you he loves you every day, he kissed you goodbye every day before he leaves work and you’re still not satisfied? gees man. most men are not emotional beings like women and do not express their love, but if a man telling you he loves you every day (and knowing men they hardly say that), why are you complaining?
Did U not read all now he making dahbah in the house; so much dahbah, she is calling for devine help.
He kisses her gooybye before SHE leaves for work. So I presume he does not work.
So he tells her every day that he loves her, with the help of alcohol, and causes trouble which leaves her asking for devine help. Who needs a relationship like that.
Take note that she said she cannot stand a drunk, it irritates every bone in her body;
Wow, I feel the pain 4 those bones, they must really b suffering, and yet she stays in the relationship 4 another day. POOR BONES.
Hit the road Lonely Nights. this chap is on the bottle…..that only gets worse, never better.
BELLA IS an Idiot
Now why would you say something like that ?
Girl,I love u is a man’s favorite line.We realy don’t mean it.U are doing the right thing,keep treating him like a KING and u will hear those words when he is sober.
Fire speak for yourself some men are actually capable of loving sincerely stop trying to group all men in one nasty category
No such thing as love. Only god love.
@juice,no matter how sincere u love,if u can’t pay the bills,she will move on.I’m sure u are a monthly paid man,therefore u get love month end only.
@Fire I am a woman I have been burnt by men before but I will still tell you that there are sincere men out there. I am not rich but able to pay my own bills at the end of the month or whenever they become due. I am also one of those women who believe in standing by a man, behind him or in front of him for that matter wherever he wants me. I don’t use men as an ATM machine and he will get all my loving broke or not
Wow, fire U sound like a disgruntled, bitter & old individual, get to the source of your pain b4 it is too late.
Pnuts you cracking me up Go easy on Fire. Fire needs something real fiery and good old fashion loving that’s all
@pnut & juice u all like 2 much roro.But i would like to experience the old fashion stuff,i’m shure u would learn to behave yo self after.lol.
DNO put the man is Drunk.. anywhere in the girl’s letter did she mention that the man is a drunk? She simply stated that after having a “FEW” drinks he says that he loves her… Bella you must stop that! and stop making it to be more than it out to be!!!
Read between the lines and all of you cease criticizing Bella. Affairs of the heart are always a serious matter and to be taken seriously.
People must cease playing on the feelings of others.
Bella’s response makes good sense. I often wonder what type of mentality some of you possess.
It appears to me that he is usually drunk, under the influence of liquor. If this is the only time he informs her that he loves her, then this man is not serious and he has a personal serious problem.
Consider when he is not intoxicated what he will say. If she asks him about it he probably will say that he cannot remember what he said. Would you want such a boyfriend or a husband? That would be courting trouble.
i personally just think that he is scared of his feelings. just have a little patience. most men r scared of being vulnerable and admitting their feelings, to them, wld be a sign of vulnerability. alot of us feel the world is ours when we have a few to drink – dont be hypocrites pple, we all do it, that dont make us drunks – so i think he uses that time to truely express himself. i think u shld believe him. a
as far as his ex goes – quit worrying. if u wanna be sure, ask him and take it fr there. an ex will always be an ex. nothing u can do about that. dont measure urself. have faith in ur relationship my girl
i really love the las part (as for his ex….my girl)..ao true ..i hve never had a hard time hearing these three lil words but i dnt force it out either…even women lie when they say i love u…sometimes we do it for convenience and some are really sincere when they say it…just talk to him about it…
Forget about telling u he loves u.Why would u want to be with an alcoholic anyway?
You are a little bit insecure where the ex is concerned. Sounds like you probably know the ex and feel like you are living in her shadow. You feel used because you are probably buying and doing stuff for him thinking this will put you ahead of the ex. Technically you are still in competition with the ex. But there is a saying that Drunks and children tell the truth. I don’t know how true the “children” telling the truth is these days because some children can be expert liars. But drunks ususally say what’s on their mind. Ease up on the feeling used part and “can do anything for him” Nobody can use you unless you let them.
and I have a feeling you does probably nag him about the ex. If you are doing that Stop It.
Girl, do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who drinks to the point of being drunk? Is that what you want???
the man just need the little boost to loosen hs tongue.
There are time we have to look at situation on both sides. On the woman side it easy to say that the man does not love you and that something is wrong due to the fact that he is telling you he loves you when he is drunk.
On other hand the man does not have enough courage to tell you that he loves you. We need to realise that men are not Gods and that they are human being too. You never know how they have been treated by other women. Perhaps he is simply afraid of telling you exactly how he feels.
This is where communication takes a role in the relationship. Instead of expressing yourself by asking advice then the best thing you should have done was speak to the man you say you love.
Speak to him about the way you feel towards him and that might just give him enough courage for him to express himself to you.
Start cheating and see how fast he will say how much he loves u on a sober day …:)
Then everybody and their mother on dno will call you a salop
well sweetheart if all the other ones u had are gone and u still in this one well that says all hold your man hand and be happy cause wat u lookn for u might not like it cause the day the man tell u he love u and he not drunk u will be lookn for another man soon after that he shows it be happy.
We sometimes invest unnecessary time and energy in a relationship, a lot of men are not looking for a relationship, but they won’t admit it. Instead, they get comfortable and string you along until you start feeling used\insecure.
If your insecurities are riding you, then ask him “Do you love me?”
Don’t even mention to him that he says it when he is drunk, because you don’t acknowledge it as him expressing his love for you….
Also, some people don’t fall in love quickly, so you can’t really speed up the process otherwise you will have him lying to you. If you’re not getting from him what you need to feel secure in this relationship then maybe you should consider spending some time apart.
Men are generally not great at expressing their feelings.
Lots of married women don’t even hear the words “i love you’, yet the marriages are going on for years upon years.
Don’t let that break up your relationship. Best he says it when drunk than never at all, or every day and does not mean it.
Talk to your man. Figure him out ‘for sure’.
Ok lonely nights, first of all I gather that he treats you well cause your only concern is that he ” tells you he loves you after a few drinks”.
Love is less about saying and more about doing. In short his action should speak louder than his words. If he makes you feel loved and appreciated but does not say it then have a conversation with him to define you’ all’s relationship.
The same way you can discuss this issue with the entire Dominican public, I think you owe him the courtesy to see where he is at with you.
Relationships nowadays have been diluted bc of texting and Facebook! Have a conversation with the man then decide!! If your nights are still lonely move on!
Hey, girl give the guy some time to come around. Maybe he does love you, but giving himself some time to get over his ex. He is maybe not comfortable yet telling you exactly how he feels about. Stick around.
Telling a woman you love them without showing your love and affection is just throwing words around. When I was a teenager, you you how many girls I told “I love you”?
But the fact that he does not express those words is not the problem. If someone loves you, they will show it. Hearing his say those words is just icing on the cake.
Piper that was just you being a teenager ! Now would you class a “teenager” as someone who knows about ‘true love’? to a teenager every little affection is love So Now What ?
I think this young lady has major insecurity issues. In her mind, the guy will leave her and go back with his ex … if the ex will have him back. Sometimes our insecurites cause us to over-think things. Long and short, I don’t think this relationship is going to work. This lady sounds like she needs constant reassurance, and never ending words of flattery. Leave this guy and find someone without an ex in the wings, who will fill you up with sweet nothings!
For one moment i thought that was me writing that letter, am in the exact situation. but everytime i tell him its over he always keeps coming back
you’ve got co my dear
So let me ask you…. does he have sexual relations with you only when he is intoxicated as well?? This story is lame ..even Stevie Wonder could see right through that.!!!LOL
This is maybe the time he wants to make love. If this is the case, you better be careful.
Girl wake up and smell the coffee… because this guy is only wasting your time and energy..but hurting you emotionally…One thing about love…it isn’t unsure! Don’t waste your time with this guy..because sweetheart there are millions out there that can make you happy, give you the love and respect that you need.
lol lol this is a real funny one
but seriously action speaks louder than words ehhh just keep that in mind
sweetie talk to the man, put him to sit and disscuss with him. as bela said i am sure this one is on a rebound the fastest you get your questions answered the better for you. don’t wait until you get hurt, don’t listen to lies neither you should be able to tell when someone is speaking the truth or not afterall you were in other relationships before. don’t stay and take anybody games if it does not work out just take your time i am sure you will find someone else down the line in life.
maybe he is shy and uses rum to express his feelings.
get him to leave the rum and gain confidence in telling you anything. teach him not to be shy around you and work with him
See it like that…he isn’t bold enough to say he love you when he is sober.But when he is drunk he feel brave painless, bold, like a king. And it’s proven many times that when people are drunk they speak the truth, and the heart true feelings are exposed…so Just tell him you love. Drunk or sober!!
the real man doesnt love u, the drunkard does
A lot of people have difficulty expressing their emotions verbally, especially when their childhood setting did not encourage it. However, actions speak louder than words…so being in a relationship with the man for so long, you ought to know whether he really loves you or not – does he consider your feelings? are you respected? etc…
I agree with bella bt i also think he cud be insecure and afraid to say he loves you naturrally….drunken words are sober thhoughts!
When someone is tipsy their head is clearer, they feel free, they say things that they wouldnt normally say or do things that they might not normally do. there is just something about alcohol that frees up yur sprit, your mind and your body. If he says he loves u when he is drunk then maybe he really does. not every one is comfortable saying those words. some people didnt grow up with it being said to them all the time so saying it can sometimes take alot of effort. i dont know what kind of relationship you guys have, i dont know what role the x has to play in all of this, but when a man is drunk…he usually means everything he says. maybe there is something about the alcohol that blocks the lies and clears way for the truth…lol…i dont know…but thats when all the beans are spilled!!!
Yep Sweetpea when people are tipsy their head is clearer that’s why its one of the main causes of vehicular accidents
What you expect if the man fill t re,t re.
U r in love with this guy and U THINK he love U 2. U do not even sound to sure. U feel like U r waisting your time with him, U think he is waiting for his ex to take him back, and to top it offf, he only says he loves you when he is drunk. HAHHAHAHA that is funny.
I do not think U need somebody to tell U to run young lady, but since U r not sure of anything in this relationship but he being drunk to say I LOVE U, then Lonely Nights give him some drinks EVERY NIGHT, so U will hear I LOVE U everynight. Hope U find solace.
This response is very funny.