My husband confessed he cheated, should I take him back?

I’ve been married for a number of  years and suspects my husband  was cheating. I love him very much and he knows that but I don’t trust him and he always denies when I confronts him about cheating, even when I have evidence.

However a few months ago he confessed to me, for the first time in our relationship,that he had cheated with someone I know and he really decides to change his life style.

Should I forgive him and trust him again?

Confused

Dear Confused,

It is ironic that a few days ago we were discussing the topic ‘Why mean cheat’ and you are coming up with the same topic.

Now your husband has confessed to you that he cheated. This is a bold step since most men won’t even contemplate confessing. Very few men can admit when they have done wrong. They rather keep their transgressions to themselves. Confessing is a sign that he has accepted his fault and no longer is in denial.

So this opens the door to developing the trust which was lost. Forgiving him would help heal the relationship and give him the motivation to work through his goal to change.

In life everyone deserves a second chance and you should explore that possibility.

Bella

Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at dominicanewsonline@gmail.com. Dear Bella is published Tuesdays and Thursdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.

Disclaimer: The comments on this page do not necessarily reflect the views of DominicaNewsOnline.com/Duravision Inc. All comments are approved by DominicaNewsOnline.com before they are posted. We never censor based on political or ideological points of view, but we do try to maintain a sensible balance between free speech and responsible moderating.

We will delete comments that:

  • violate or infringe the rights of any person, are defamatory or harassing or include personal attacks
  • are abusive, profane or offensive
  • contain material which violates or encourages others to violate any applicable law
  • promote hatred of any kind
  • refer to people arrested or charged with a crime as though they had been found guilty
  • contain links to "chain letters", pornographic or obscene movies or graphic images
  • are excessively long and off-message

See our full comment/user policy/agreement.

66 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    December 11, 2012

    I need to counsel someone who’s husband confess to cheating and wants the wife to deal with it. What do you suggest I tell her?

  2. last inlove it hurt
    November 8, 2012

    y do man have to hurt what they love most it is so sad because sometimes it last inlove but sometimes it hurt instead is this the way it should be or what

  3. fatty batty
    September 22, 2011

    just giving my 2 [email protected] enjoy reading your post i really learnt a lot.

  4. angel
    March 11, 2011

    dump mister if he loved you he wouldn’t cheat on you. but then again every one makes mistakes.:-?

    • last inlove it hurt
      November 8, 2012

      angel tell me here u never cheated on ur husband or exchanging numbers with another man if u once did that and not telling him u cheated u lied if he can confes and u cant forgive him nomatter what. it says the only thing that can make a woman to devorce is when the husband is dead or slept with someone and u saw that but if u didnt ur making a sin also u love each other let god in ur family nothing will go wrong

  5. ssshhhsss
    March 6, 2011

    Hey hey, mine tells me all the time that he does not cheat but is always texting and online. Facebook is his last name. He is always looking at some woman picture on facebook. He gets so bazodie sometimes that one day he forgot to log off his facebook page and I read some messages where he wants to go out with some women. There is one woman who is in a relationship herself but wants to make time for them to go out one day. Little does he know I’ve read those messages and can’t wait for him to tell me he is going out with the boys for me to follow him. There is another who asked him for money but I’m monitoring the bank account like a hawk. I make note of every transactions made so that if money is missing from the account and he can’t tell me what happened, I am gonna kiss his bottom to the curb. Now he is looking for all kinds of ways to start a quarrel with me but my head is on more than his. Don’t let men fool you

    • Sugar
      March 28, 2011

      I am on you with that one. Mine cannot tear himself away from his high tech touch phone facebook is also his last name but he is slick he has codes on his phone. Now he has a laptop so he is in lala land he has isolated me, but I have [email protected]*t under control. He has a lot riding @ stake and cannot afford to f%@*k up.

  6. sweet pea
    March 2, 2011

    Bonjeah…look bella give men another way out! instead of lying through their teeth, when that doesnt work they will tell the truth so …”u will think that they have accepted their fault and are no longer in denial. This will open the door to developing the trust which was lost. Forgiving them would help heal the relationship (after they broke it in the first place eh…) and give them the motivation to work through their goal to change. ” hahaha!!! jokes! Bella dont do that nuh man…dont give them more ammunition…they already so good at reverse psychology…u going to make them experts at telling the truth…i can hear them now…”i am confessing to you, that takes alot, thats a bold step and most men wont even contemplate confessing…baby u have to forgive me…” and then the girl will do just as bella said….

  7. Sweet Island Girl
    March 1, 2011

    Sweetheart, Give him another chance, he had the balls to tell you, it take a lot of guts to do something like that. Work out your problems. Everything is possible with God. If you two still love each other deeply, you will come to terms to forgive him and look forward to a fresh start. It will take some time but if you both truly want to be a part of each others life, then it’s worth taking the extra time to build a great relationship together. Give him some credit for acknowledging that he has done you wrong. Make time for each other, everyday should be special in a couples life, too many times we take our spouses for granted, throw away the T- shirts and put on a nice sexy nightgown and let the sparks fly in the bedroom.

  8. Faith
    February 27, 2011

    DNO fans and Bella, thank you so much for the positive advice,support, and encouragement, I will surely give my husband a second chance. I didn’t realise we have so many professional counsellors in D.A. Once again thank you so much.
    confused

    • sweet pum pum
      March 1, 2011

      so you were looking for a professional counsellor ? How much did you pay bella a professional is
      one who gets paid

      • Faith
        March 2, 2011

        Don’t worry she received her blessings already..lol There were so many positive advise,i thought the advised were from professionals.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
      • Lady S
        March 2, 2011

        He admitted to cheating ONCE, so now all is forgiven? The fact that he betrayed you multiple times and lied to you even when you had evidence suddenly means nothing? Is his admission of guilty suddenly supposed to repair the damaged trust? I think you need to think about this long & hard before taking the advice of these “professionals”

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  9. mandact
    February 25, 2011

    my dear you should sleep with a short sexi clear nighty without panty & walk in the house when the 2 of u in the house alone so every steps he make he must take a sip of rum because he will be going on wild ,ooh my.

  10. elsabador
    February 25, 2011

    Man the best way to get married is a six month’s term because some times after a month they start acting on your nerve,when u can’t take it anymore u just kick them out,thats mean hahaah.

    • Muslim_Always
      February 25, 2011

      You are advocating temporary marriage? Some schools in Islamic law practice that, it is done in Iran, Egypt and other places in the Middle East. The Temp Marr is like the permanent marriage, however, the couple agree on a time period to be married for; after the period is up, you all decide whether you want to marry for life or go your separate ways. No deception, no staying in relationship wondering when the man is going to marry you, good for when man or woman travels, some people do not like to be ‘tied’ down to a relationship and there are many other benefits.

      Temporary Marriage has statutes, thus it is not like fornication or prostitution. After the two go their separate ways, the woman has to wait for about 3 months before she marries someone else to ensure that she is not pregnant.

      I AM NOT ADVOCATING TEMP MARR, I AM JUST STATING WHAT IT IS.

  11. citoyen
    February 25, 2011

    No, don’t take him back leave him for me. Hope yoiu don’t regret.

    • dance
      February 25, 2011

      he is going to do the same thing to u,& u will send him for another one?well he will be going on like this till he get his misstress.

  12. Truth, Justice, Love, Peace and Unity
    February 24, 2011

    Love and Marriage…Goes together like a horse and carriage! Some of you will know this song.
    It takes communication, cooperation and compromising to get along with people. It is no easy matter when people are married. Never compromise your principles.
    There are reason(s) why men cheat. Know that women also cheat as well.
    The advice here is to face the situation. Ask questions. Why did you cheat? What caused you to cheat? You married me…until (natural) death do we part. Do you love me? Am I not sufficient for you…?
    Did he ask you to forgive him? Did he promise never to cheat again? I realize that this will be a big decision on his part if he has a tendency to cheat.
    It takes two to tangle. Men are weak. Women who know men are married should also not accept them. There are times the men are not to be blamed but the women.
    When a woman loves a man, it is not easy to walk/run away at the first sign of his indiscretion. Do not make any rash decision. Take your time. Weigh out the situation. Listen to his response. Ask yourself, can I live with this situation and if he continues to cheat?
    Trust – It is not easy to trust someone who has committed the sin of infidelity.
    You alone can make the decision to stay or to leave this situation.
    Most of all, take it to the Lord in prayer. Never cease praying as you practice your faith.
    Your husband should also practice the faith. It may be that he is not practicing the faith and is also idle in his spare time. Idleness is the devil’s playground.
    If he is practicing the faith and he cheats, he is not practicing it as he should and is in dire need of God’s blessing and graces. He needs to pray to God and to revive his spirituality. Both of you should go to church as husband and wife.
    Keep your home Christo-centered. If marriages are not Christo-centered, consider what the result could be.
    You should speak to your Priest/Pastor. I wish you well. May God give you the strength and also the grace of forgiveness to forgive him.
    Marriage is sacred. It is ordained by God. What God has joined together let no man put asunder.
    Men who cheat should know the following:
    Ecclesiastes 5:3:6 – When you make a vow to God, delay not its fulfillment. For God has no pleasure in fools; fulfill what you have vowed. You had better not make a vow than make it and not fulfill it. Let not your utterances make you guilty, and say not before his representatives, “It was a mistake,” less God be angered by such words and destroy the works of your hands. Rather fear God.

  13. brown woman
    February 24, 2011

    lol lol lol ho god woman just give him a second chance and try your best for the relationship to work out dont say u tired and always look sexy in the house.

  14. heyheywoi
    February 24, 2011

    i think you should leave him. he is still going to cheat again anyway

    • HMMMMMM(the psychic)
      February 25, 2011

      you want him? why you advising the woman to leave her husband instead of asking them to seek counselling?

  15. Lizavier4Jesus
    February 24, 2011

    If we could learn to think of our spouses, male/female sex partners, as a person of themselves, we would also understand that we do not own their desires, their feelings, and all of the other traits that they experience in the minds and in their bodies.

    And so, as we continue to expect our loved ones to function as we personally function, we will always make ourselves miserable as we make them miserable also. Hence we need to remember that as a person of themsleves, our loved ones–husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends–need that personal freedom and, or space.

    Also, as human beings, we all are easily tempted; and as we conform to our temptations, we also make many mistakes that we can live to regret. What we need to do is to hope and pray on the behalf of those we love, that God will bless them with self-control–the nature of His Holy Spirit–which will teach them how to use that personal freedom and space of theirs in a way that is pleasing to Him, and for the peace of mind of us who love them.

    Confused, I am not discouraging you, but how do you know that your husband has not made this confession to you, to get you off his back, if you have been bickering him about cheating on you. And if so, what will happen to your mariage, if you find out that he has cheated again.

    So, if you decide to put this bickering away for good; love your husband, as you say you do; but let him have his space, his freedom from time to time–not just embracing the fact that he may be cheating on you–but maintaining trust in God alone; who will protect your sanity, blessing you with peace of mind; as He works to convince your husband’s conscience of his sin, and his wrong against you.

    My dear lady, everything works well for us, when we put out faith and trust in God’s ability in our Life. Your husband can come face to face with his wrong doings against you, and you can have the joy and peace of your mind; but you have to allow God to stay involved in your Life; and with God, nothing is impossible.

    In the meantime, your responsibility is to Love your husband in every way you can. Know also, that Love in your heart is what gives you victory in Life. And victory is the reward of your soul, that is what is important here.

  16. EMPRESS
    February 24, 2011

    ONCE A DAWG (DOG) SUCK EGG THE TASTE IS ALWAYS IN IT MOUTH, BLEND A STOUT N CIALIS AND WORK THAT CHEATER TILL HE BAWL , I BET YOU HE ‘LL NEVER LEAVE HOME AGAIN.

    • FORMER CHS STUDENT
      February 25, 2011

      Empress what is cialis nuh

  17. TOMIAN
    February 24, 2011

    I would advice you to give him another chance but first dont just try and forgive him, try to see where it all went wrong in the first place. Try to understand what happened that made him cheat on u in the first place. Then and only then you guys can work through this and mend the broken wounds and make sure this doesn’t happen again.

    • Trust in God
      February 25, 2011

      I agree with this comment and especially the advice from Bella. Both men and women cheat, but society tends to come down much harder on the men.

      Regardless of who cheated, it is important to ask why does anyone cheat. I am a firm believer that marriages and relationships should have God as the main focus.

      This woman should give her husband a second chance, and I advise them both to pray about it.
      -Her pray should be to ask God for strength to be able to trust her husband again.
      -Her husband should ask God to help him find the cause for his cheating.
      -As a couple they should ask God for guidance in their lives – both individually, and as a couple.

      We should all pray for this couple and others in similar situation.

  18. Just giving my two cents
    February 24, 2011

    Dear Confused,

    “Should I forgive him and trust again?”

    That’s a very interesting question, which I can tell you – ONLY you can answer that.

    I’ll give you my opinion on ways of getting yourself to the point where you’ll be able to answer that. I am happy that your husband has confessed to you, so now you can move on…in the sense that you have been justified in your suspicions.

    As I’ve already said, the issues of trust and forgiveness are only ones which you can answer because only you know how the situation is.

    There are many factors which you have to weigh in determining what you want to do. I for one do not believe that you cannot love someone and not trust them. There are varying degrees of love and what is love to me maybe different to you based on your experiences. What I do know, is that you can love someone, not trust them, AND work on trusting them.

    Trust like love is built…it doesn’t come pre-packaged and prepared. It just grows. In this situation, you trust was lost over a period of time. It can be regained. The question now is – do you want to regain it?

    To answer this question – you must know whether you trust yourself to move on from the situation? Do you trust yourself to not dwell on it and regurgitate it every time a problem arises? Do you trust yourself to be able to put it behind you – I do not mean forget it, but not live with it as a constant elephant in the room between you guys?

    Before you can deal with trusting him, you need to deal with how do I accept this and move on from it. Deal with your pain first and you emotional distress, and then address his issues.

    The idea of forgiving and forgetting to me is a myth. I say forgive and move on – because forgetting major hurt and betrayal is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE.

    What I can advise, is that you deal with the betrayal and hurt on your end because at the end of the day, no matter how much he changes, whether or not he stops cheating, becomes a better husband will not really make a difference unless you have dealt with your pain from the situation. You won’t be able to move on if you do not know if you can put it behind you. He has cheated – he has changed the dynamics. He has affected you world, your emotions, your life. Do not leave it up to him to affect you anymore.

    Make the decision on trust and forgiveness based on you, because only you should control your life.

    Afterwards, you need to decide whether your husband has the personality and tendency to repeat such an action. The cheating didn’t just come out from anywhere. You need to discuss with your husband the reason for cheating. You need to find out what he wants. Do not just listen to the words at face value…but listen to what he is telling you. You can get yours answers from both what is being said, and what is being avoided.

    In the end, the most important questions you should be asking are Can I forgive him and can I trust him again. There is no SHOULD right now!

    Hope this helps and makes sense.

    Again…this is just my two cents on everything. …

    • My gopwell on me
      February 24, 2011

      Eh bien you alone have plenty ‘two cents’ papa, yes-ah…

      • sweet sweet pumpum
        February 24, 2011

        yes man sound more like dollars to me :lol:

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
    • Papz
      February 24, 2011

      2 Cents, but how can you love someone and not trust them? Loving someone should have a level of trust.

      • Just giving my two cents
        February 24, 2011

        so can you tell confused that because she no longer trust her husband, she doesn’t love him?

        Be realistic….. what is trust? Can you trust someone you do not love – YES!!!! Can you love someone you do not trust – YES!!!!

        You need to open your mind……it doesn’t mean that because her husband cheated that automatically the love went to zero because she lost trust. That’s just makes no sense. Human emotions don\t work that way -so…this is proof in and of itself that you can love someone and NOT TRUST him/her.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
      • Just giving my two cents
        February 24, 2011

        So go tell confused that because her husband cheated, she DOESN’T LOVE him.

        Be realistic – you CAN love someone and not trust them, just as you can trust someone and not love them. Trust is something which grows…so it takes time. Noone automatically trust someone, so to does noone automatically stop loving another. This is not human behavior.

        Someone can do something to hurt you and cause you to fall out of love gradually – but it\s impossible to just fall out of love suddenly. She may hate, despise, dislike her husband, but she can\t automtically stop loving him….. so yes- you can love and not trust…..the trust can be regained…as time goes on so…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
      • mandact
        February 25, 2011

        u dont have to worry just put the dangerous thing in a bag with a chain it round his waste with a padluck let him go just makesure u has the key attached a tube long enough so he could pee through it & when he is home u unluck it so no more problem,thats weked lolrealy loude.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
    • Piper
      February 24, 2011

      Two Cents.
      I wish I could give you 10 thumbs up. That is one the best answers I have ever seen on relationship issues.

      Everybody who has been through this should read your post and digest it.

      Just as an extension of what you said, confessing is just the first step. Now the husband must do everything not to betray that trust. If he violates that trust again, the woman should leave. Anything less and he will have no respect for her or her feelings.

  19. mouth of the south
    February 24, 2011

    dear confused give ur husband a chance and don’t take the old advice of ‘antigua nice’,,,, u know what set that in antigua already,,,, only one hole the almighty gave to use,,, but is not the hole that will keep him but showing him love,,,, remind him why he married u in the first place,,,, for better or worse God will reward u for being a loyal wife and woman,,,,, well u can add ‘mouthofthesouth dno’ my official facebook page,,,,, n all the bloggers can hit me up dere to discuss the issues behind the issues it’s mouthofthesouth dno,,,,, yes d.n.o is my surname on f.b lol!!!!!!

    • WEH WEH WEH
      February 24, 2011

      U RIGHT.. SHE CAN ADD HER “MOUTH DOWN SOUTH”..LOL

    • V
      February 24, 2011

      Boy mouth from the south u are d best uno. u have kixx

  20. Interesting...
    February 24, 2011

    Girl all men cheat! So keep your man because u know all his “defaux” already.People who think their spouses are faithfull are just living indenial, dats why plenty of them end up in psyciatric unit when they get a rude awakening…lol! Plus work hard at being an all rounder so he will have no need to traverse elsewhere:
    – A whore in bed
    – A cook in the kitchen
    – A maid in the house
    – An attractive lady on the street!

    • Muslim_Always
      February 24, 2011

      Correction: An attractive lady in the HOUSE! Too often some of our women smell and look awful in the house for their husbands that is why he seeks pleasure elsewhere. Reverse the psychology, make the man horny as soon as he thinks of home.

      • MARIGOT EMPRESS
        February 24, 2011

        boi MUSLIM_ALWAY I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A FAKE , I WONDER WHAT MOHAMMED WOULD SAY ABOUT YOUR WORDS . PEACE MY BROTHER HAHA HA :lol:

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
      • Muslim_Always
        February 24, 2011

        There is no shyness with regards to sex in islam. @ Marigot Empress.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1
      • sweet sweet pumpum
        February 24, 2011

        how about those that leave the sweet smelling beautiful women at home and look for the rotten egg what you say to that ?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
      • Muslim_Always
        February 25, 2011

        I would say this man is naive and stupid. He doesn’t understand value @ sweet. It’s like giving a 2 yr old a $100 bill then say to the child use the money wisely :lol:

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  21. mrs dice
    February 24, 2011

    if marriage is a good thing? why do people say it is hard work though?it is hard work you know. yes i am in one and sometimes i am ready to throw in the towell, no wife and husband lice each other , after all the quarelling , the buckering , the back bitting, who love hard work, no one so why sdo we love marriage if it is hard work, i dont

    • Just giving my two cents
      February 24, 2011

      Because life like marrigae is hard work. Nothing is easy and only when you prosper through the rough patches will you value the life you have. Trust me – its not an easy road – what you need to do is remember that everyone has it differently. The grass is not greener on the otherside.
      Anything which comes easy has a ctahc. It’s all experiences which makes us who and what we are.

      Marriage is hard work…. and should only be addressed by persons who have determination, stamina, patience and the perceiverance to pull through when the going gets tough.

      So if you do not like working hard for what you want…then you will only expect freeness, and you know what they say about freeness.

      Just remember that everyone has a rough time in their marriages- it’s life – it’s expected…. you will never ever have smooth sailing in any aspect of life…it’s just meant to be that way.

    • dance
      February 25, 2011

      lady if u see everytime he come home & u put your hands over him he chift from u & sometimes he take his pillow & go in the living room more than ones dont give him no more chanc its a sign lookout

  22. antigua nice
    February 24, 2011

    give him the fettish entrance he would not venture out easily i say easily because man is man.

  23. bullcrop
    February 24, 2011

    would love to know wat the three entrances are ,anyways i want to know how can you love him without trusting him? please tell me how you getting that done.

  24. August Rush
    February 24, 2011

    Bella I find you first statement was a tooooooo harsh…. Address people better than that, is not noise you making A A..

    @ Confused give your husband a chance cuz mariage is for better or for worst and if he decides to make a change that is part of it..

    • August Rush
      February 24, 2011

      your**

    • Anonymous
      February 24, 2011

      What is wrong with Bella’s advice???? There was no harsh tone to it!

  25. Muslim_Always
    February 24, 2011

    This must be very challenging for you @ confused. Healing will take time and as for taking him back, this is something that needs to be decided by the both of you all. It needs communication, understanding and spirituality to make this marriage work. Marriage is hard work and may God preserve your marriage. Amen.

  26. blackberry356
    February 24, 2011

    antigua nice
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1
    February 24, 2011 • 11:41 am

    “yes give him a chance, and try and use the 3 entrances to keep him ask him what he wants and make it work”

    I agree to that….

  27. antigua nice
    February 24, 2011

    yes give him a chance, and try and use the 3 entrances to keep him ask him what he wants and make it work

    • bonita
      February 24, 2011

      ahahahahahahahah.. name the three entrances.. lol which is the best.. lol what will wrk lol

      • antigua nice
        February 24, 2011

        you know the three of them veddly veddly well, all 3 is good just depends on which one u prefer better , well the one on the top with white enamels as guard is more of a desert, the main entrance is regular and the ocassional entrance is a fettish ,but is probably the #1 used entrances in todays modern times think every one should tryit ,u might just get addicted bless.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
      • QB
        February 24, 2011

        :-P aaaaaa well look srory lol

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
      • Dominican Abroad
        February 25, 2011

        No wonder aids is on the rise in the Caribbean. What kind of nonsense advice is that?
        If you are a woman, shame on you! And of course if you are a man, why don’t you let
        someone do it to you and then you give advice. Then again I may be too late to suggest
        that, for all I know you must be very experience in that man or woman. Disgusting to read!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
    • FORMER CHS STUDENT
      February 24, 2011

      You may use four entrances and when he will still cheat……I don’t agree with your comment.

      • antigua nice
        February 24, 2011

        its kool every one will not agree with everthing everybody say ,for god sake this is not lybia.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
      • Dude
        March 12, 2011

        former chs student you know about four entrances to. mal pwop

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
    • Dude
      March 12, 2011

      ANTIGUA NICE DOES BURGAH. SAC WAY SALLOP

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

:) :-D :wink: :( 8-O :lol: :-| :cry: 8) :-? :-P :-x :?: :oops: :twisted: :mrgreen: more »

 characters available