I am 13 years old and I live with my two parents and my sister. My mother and I are close and I talk to her about everything. Recently though, I got into some trouble because of some rumors that had been spreading about me. The rumors were about me and another boy that attends a high school. My mother first heard the information from her colleague and believed it.
She gave me a beating but I wanted to let her know that the rumors are not true, so I spoke to her. She mentioned that I am ‘too out of hand’ and that she knows that I was being good all the time to cover up a sin. She still doesn’t believe me up to this day. If she doesn’t believe me, then she doesn’t trust me.
Why can’t she trust me when something like that has never happened before?
The number of boys I speak to can be counted on one hand and she views all of my Facebook chat. She knows that there are friends that I have dropped because of their obsession for the male sex. I do not want to lose a bond with my mother at such a young age.
How do I make her believe me and believe that I would not do such a thing?
I have deleted my Facebook account now to prevent any of these problems again. I have tried my best to do what she says but I just think that things have not been going as they were before. I feel uncomfortable speaking to her again because she believes others so easily and she finds it impossible to believe me. I have no one else I feel comfortable talking to and that bothers me a lot to see my mother and I just lose that close connection.
Thanks in Advance,
J
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Dear J,
It is obvious from your letter that you are a very intelligent young lady. You are searching to do right to please your mother by modifying your life and that is very commendable that you care for her opinion as that will keep you in check. Understand that your mother is reacting to this news out of hurt because of her love for you. Parenting is not an easy task and ALL parents raise their children on their knowledge (be it good or bad). There are also very few parents who desire bad for their children.
There is a saying that I am sure you have heard: There is no smoke without fire. A lot of people tend to believe rumors because of the source of the rumor- a close friend of yours, a relative. When the source of the rumor is reputable, people usually keep fanning the flames and before you know, untruth appears like truth as it is in everybody’s mouth.
You need to rebuild your Mom’s confidence (you still have some years at home) and she needs to be your confidant. The tension that exists presently is not good for neither of you and as aggravation is added to this, the mistrust will only increase. You need to be well-rounded as a teen- you need to have relationships with persons regardless sex, color or creed and this is something that is essential for your holistic (well-rounded) development.
This is the real world and you cannot shut yourself in. To resolve this situation with your mother, you need someone to intervene. My advice to you, is to find an adult whom you trust, and for whom your mother holds a lot of respect- a grandmother, a priest/pastor, a teacher, an aunt/uncle, a school counselor. Someone who hasn’t already formed an opinion of the whole matter. You need someone who will be a mediator in this matter so that you and your Mom can express your precise feelings to each other.
After this meeting, you and your mother have to move on from there…look towards the future and steer all conversation away from past hurts. Talk to her about what you are going through and be open with her at all times. It is life that we are living, and there will be twists and turns along the way.
Bella
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I just found out recently that my mom doesn’t trust me and she’s been showing it through a lot of indirect ways. I feel so lost and angry right now because being the third child i am I feel like my mom has a better relationship with my sisters and not me. These are the times I regret being born as the youngest because no one ever listens to you and your opinions and suggestions are not considered. I wish my mom would trust me as much as she trusts my sister.
Understand this people – the sign of the strength of your relationship with your child is when they can be totally truthful with you like a friend yet respect you as a mother. When your child lies to you, there is someone else they are telling the truth. If your child has not exhibited delinquent patterns of behaviour and such a reports gets to your ears, you must sit calmly with her and have an easy conversation to learn more. You will weigh the two sides then come to a conclusion. Non family members (and relatives too) can bring trouble into your house between your family then go home to theirs in peace.
1) She should have listened to the daughters version of events
2) She should have brought to mind her daughters pattern of behaviour over the years
3) She should have questioned her informant some more to gain facts to support the report
4) She should analyse her responses then question her source again, and maybe her daughter.
Then she may derive sufficient information to conclude whether the friend’s complaint was through malice, misinterpretation on an event or true. Then she should sit with her daughter and explain the findings and the reason for her subsequent actions. Then the daughter will feel corrected instead of betrayed. Truth is not driven by emotions or suspicions…but by what is true — and our world is fool of lies which pass as truth which many many many people believe.
I have a daughter that is currently 13 and when i hear things outside before hearing it from her I ask a question then if she tells me other wise i am not going to beat her because someone or some friend tells me, I first have to find out from her and when I do my digging then i will see who is lying…The mum should at least knwo her daughter and what she is cabale of, yes they will fail and fall, but we all do, we are parents, grown up so no one to beat us but we have to listen to our kids before beating them for any and everything and everyone one..I hope this will blow away and your mum will get back the trust and you two will be the way you once were, don’t give up. she is your mum and from your letter I see you have a lot of love for your mum.
Dear J: I was 13 once. Then I had a son who was 13. Now I have a grandaughter who is 13. Maybe I can say a few things that will make sense. You are blessed to be with both parents and also to have a sister. Sad to say, many young people are not so fortunate. Obviously, your Mum wants the best for you. She wants this for your sake because she has lived long enough to know what a mess a daughter can make of her life. But she also wants you to do well for her own sake. Motherhood is a big deal! She has invested a lot in you. Naturally, she wants to be proud of you. And of course she hopes as she gets older you will be there for her. This is what family is all about. Your Mum heard a serious rumor about you. The way it was told to her made it seem true. She felt threatened. Her fear caused her to be angry at the thought of losing you. She snapped! J, when you understand the reason behind her actions I think you will forgive her. She probably is already sorry she lost her temper. In fact I would not be surprised if it is causing her at least a little pain. Please ask if you can talk to her alone. Be honest about whatever caused the rumour. She will be reached by your honestly. Let her know you are sorry for whatever you did or contributed towards the story that got out. Ask her to forgive you even if there is nothing – or not a lot – to forgive! Ask her how you can be a better daughter to her. Listen to what she says even if it hurts a bit. J, if you will do these things I promise you this. You will discover that you have the best Mum in the whole world. And she will realize what I already know (from your letter) that daughters do not come any better than you! One last thought, J. Keep your moral standards high and you will eventually draw to yourself the kind of man you will be proud to introduce to the world as your husband and your folks will be proud of you! Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist. http://www.livinghopeministries.ca
Boy hear mamzell lie to bella. All you think that generation there easy? Where all of dem lil woman have blackberry like is born they born with it? How dey paying for that…*Jim carry voice*
Bella doh believe them lil woman rumours doesn’t just pop out of thin air so in D/CA that generation have a problem, I should know cuz I’m one of them. #GETWITHDEPRGRAM
Sorry for my bad English at the end, terribly, terribly sorry.
Sounds like you know the young lady. How many of then have fooled with black berries.
ur one who got fooled with a blackberry??? what really are you saying nuh??
tsk tsk
Wow sorry baby thanks for ur story
Been there alright!
thats good for all u me my mother can never touch me
[[My mother doesn’t trust me]Well as parents there is no price too big,no effort too great,no job too hard for our God to reach our children.Whatever we are going to reach our kids.Stan is doing all he can to keep our kids blinded from the truth.As the parents of the next generation now is the time to act.Begin to teach your kids about God,the revealer.Get them involved in a faith-teaching children’s program.Children who discover God supernatural power won’t be looking for something later.They already have everything they need.
my dear i know that feeling very well.i will give u just one examle,i used to attend a high school in days gone and i went to a teacher to explain a homework he had given the class instead of explaining he rape me.i could not see myself going back to school,so i would get dress like i`m going to school but never did my people found out that i was not attending schoool.a close relative took me to the school to find out y.i could not bring myself to say y because i think it was my fault.to mk a long story short i never had a close relationship with my mother to let her know and up to this present time nobody knows but me and that x teacher.rumors spread and she beleive itso honey be strong up to today i`m hurting inside and i`m a big adult wishing i could tell my mom.
This is coming from the bottom of my heart, “Annoying”, my advice to you is to see a therapist regarding the rape. So many women from the Caribbean have been either sexually assaulted or abused (most of us as children) and have never told anyone because we grew up in a culture where children were never listened to……”a child is supposed to be seen and not heard.” However, the end result is that our children continue to be preyed on by the abuserts and the abuse that was perpetreted on the child ends up affecting that child for the rest of their life. I’m sitting here writing this to you and I am feeling your pain. Please see a therepast. It helps.
Gush… if this is indeed true I’m really sorry for what you went through but you were a victim because your teacher knew you would not talk…you should have said something darling…I know you would not want the entire country knowing what you went through but that man is a pig and he should be punished for what he did.
Sweetie Your mom loves you she wants good for you its seems to that it hurts your mom don’t trust you. Please pray to God about it and things will be ok. If the rumors are lies in Gods eyes you are innocent just be yourself and continue doing the right thing.
wow. finally a sensible story.
there are a few parents who desire bad for their kids????? well my dear most parents desire good for their kids and they end up hurting their kids the most…….
@Thiny: You are reading that sentence wrong. Read it over and over until you understand it.
i tot f-book was for mature people and u should be at a certain age to make an account
one more thing. i will advise any teenager who receives a beating form their parent that they should now allow themselves to be beaten…stand up for your rights..your are not supposed to be beaten…
fight back….don’t take the abuse….fighting back is not being disrespectful because you are not supposed to be beaten in the first place….stand up to your abuser
U serious nah??? Ki right? Stay dere n take ya beating child.
haha,,i love it…when u all are done with all the abuse ..please don’t complain about crimes and violence and prostitution and promiscuity..fool
spare the rod and spoil the child. train your child in the way it should grow for when they are old they won’t depart from it.
Did J mention abuse, i sure didnt read abuse, but beat. i got beating as a child, and today am thankful cause those beating surely made me what I am today. a proud young lady who can walk with her head high and no man can point fingers saying i sex that under the bridge.
J, one little beating won’t kill you. I had a similar situation as a child with my mom and today am an adult and best of friends with my mom.
idiot…she have a problem, it is an issue….her mother don’t trust her and it is troubling her…and by the sound of it you had good parents so hush up….if you were abused, believe me you would not be thankful for it….unless you are someone who is aroused by pain and suffering and stop using the bible to justify abuse….
she is trying her best to please her parents,,deleting male friends form her face-book and her mother don’t believe her, you know yyyyy..it is because the mother knew what she did as a young girl….and i you saying that beating prevented you from having sex????
and are you saying that it is ok for a parent to beat a child over a rumor that was just fabricated by evil people
EXCUSE ME? DID I HEAR YOU SAY IT WAS ALRIGHT TO BEAT HER? Sorry but I disagree. Totally. Firstly, “spare the rod and spoil the child” only applies when the child is doing something WRONG for goodness sake. This person here is doing her utmost best to please her mother and believe me, I know what that feels like. I’m 12 so you might not listen to me but being born earlier doesn’t mean you know more in certain aspects. Secondly, it worked out for YOU but that doesn’t mean it’ll work out for others right? Your mother did that with the intention to help you. This mother evidently did not do it with that intention.
This thiny sounds like the Tiny who used to post the stupidest comments on DNO. Is she back with a slightly changed name? Lol
ki sah???? ou foo?? u mad me dat push u out i have d rite to correct u i not spearing no rod!!! NONSCENSE!!!!!!!!111
and how do you recommend that they fight back..that’s a most idiotic statement.
I dont your mum is allowed to beat you she is breaking the law and can be prosecuted
Which law?
Is dat I want to know too
Vway??? When I push out mine tell me doh beat dem nuh??? dat is why we have so much crime. I get beating as a child and it never kill me. We all know that the law works for who it want.
you must be living in the us.well me to.but no body not telling me i cannot fwapay my children
been there..received beatings because of rumors about boys that i had never even spoken too…they think you are a slut with no brains..they think u will have sex if they let you out of their sight…
if my parents could hire someone to walk me to school and to wait to walk me home when school was over they would…
and they don’t educate you about nothing…for some reason they think that beating teach you about life..they think that beatings educate you and guide you to make good decisions in life
but the thing is that boys were the last thing on my mind…..they lived dirty lives in their young days and automatically believes you will do the same…..parents have too much authority and control over kids have no right..they are beaten and abused and have to endure it
i had so many boys and men hitting on me,and i kept myself pure…. and the sad thing is the cycle continues…. and the sad thing is there are younger parents who treat their kids the same way….
parents you can’t prevent your kids from having sex by being too strict…they will have sex even you chain them in a room….eduction, communication, developing a relationship, setting boundaries, trusting and knowing when to let go and give the kid his/her Independence as they get older is the key
Parents will always be parents but this mother ought to sit a listen apparently she is not listening and hearing only what she want to hear. Her actions will cause more pain and as a result the child might just rebel. I hope is dose not come to that. She needs to pray with the child and her family. This is from the heart of a parent.
it SUCKKKKKKKKKKSSS when ur being truthful and ur truth is not being accepted and appreciated….
been there. know’s how it feels to be damned if you do and damned if you don’t…
take comfort in the fact that YOU KNOW YOUR OWN TRUTH…
cuz at some point it is not even worth in to try and prove to or convince some people…
that’s just the way it is.
and whats worse, sometimes the people who are persecuting you are simply JUDGING YOU BY THEIR OWN STANDARDS, CUZ THEY THINK YOU ARE LIKE THEM!
TSK TSK
And some of them have children that doing worse than you but is you they seeing.
EH?