Dear BellaI am 20 years old, will be 21 next month and I’ve been trying my best to get a job, try to earn money to help around the house so my mother can be satisfied.

I hate asking her for money so I find ways in getting it, like saving, recycling cans, cashing in my change, all that.

I’ll get to the point, I just feel like my mother is trying to control me and she knows she can’t anymore.

I understand that I live under her roof and and rules but I feel like I am not treated like an adult. It bothers her so much that I go out with my boyfriend, when I come home, in the morning she’s always yelling at me about my cats ruining things when all they do is play.

She yells at me like if I did it. Anything she doesn’t like or want, she wants me to get rid of it. She doesn’t like my cats, she want me to get rid of them, she doesn’t like my boyfriend, she wants me to get rid of him, she doesn’t like a friend, she want me to get rid of them.

I love my mom but when I started doing things for myself and defending myself, no one seemed to like it.

I’m tired of my mother always being angry with me, telling me I am irresponsible when I am the one who cooks and cleans everyday, picks up my little sister from school everyday, acts like more of a mother with my sisters then she does.

My mom is always working, always tired to do this or to talk to me. I don’t even go to her for advice because I feel like it doesn’t help.

Also my mom and family interfere in my relationship when it has nothing to do with them. I told them to mind their own business and they said they won’t.

I feel like I’m going insane, I just feel like I should miss a semester of school to work, save up and move out, but even if I do that, my mom will tell me, “you are only moving out because you don’t want to help around the house.”

I think my mom is ruining my relationship because she is miserable woman who makes everyone unhappy.

Please I need some type of opinion from an adult.

Vivian

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Dear Vivian,

The role of a Mother will always be that, “a role”. Your mother only wants the best for you because she loves you very much, as I’m sure you know. However, she doesn’t see you as grown up, she sees you as her daughter ( regardless of your age).

Every Mother, parent wants for their child what they themselves didn’t have (you didn’t mention if your mother went to college), nevertheless, she knows having an education is your ticket to having not only things you need but things you want which will enhance the quality of life for you and your family.

She is simply playing the only role she knows, whereas, she doesn’t see it as being, bossy or treating you like a child, she sees it as doing what all good Mothers do, nurture, love, encourage (give advice whether needed or not), this is all she knows.

Ask your mother if she would like to play games with you, she just needs something to do and someone to give all of that bottled up wisdom to. She just may be scared that she isn’t needed as much now that her children are older and feel unhappy herself. You have tried many ways to tell her to let go, trust you but she doesn’t want to let go because you and your dad and other sibling is her life, although, you have lives of your own.

Encourage her to take up a hobby. What does she like to do in her spare time? There are so many ways she can use her wisdom and experiences of life without running you crazy. She can do volunteer or do arts and crafts…anything that she would be happy with and feel needed.

Bella

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