Not too long ago while traversing through the capital city I happened to observe a young boy and his mother. The young rambunctious boy was happily playing running up and down the street. Suddenly he lost his footing and proceeded to fall (knees first) to the ground.
From my angle I could see that the injury was not too bad but definitely one that startled him causing him to cry. He ran to his mother hands up seeking solace but startlingly the mother offered none, briskly rubbing his knees, wiping his face and telling him that he was ‘fine’.
The young boy, who looked used to the rebuffs, walked away slowly and attempted to continue playing but I could see he was hurt.
This incident while not uncommon hurt me. Why do we as a society (especially within the Caribbean community) feel like it’s not ok for men to show emotion?
From an early age fathers and mothers pull their sons aside and tell them to be two-faced: a private face to have outside of the public eye, and a public face that shows no weakness.
Do “Big boys don’t cry” and “Take it like a man” sound familiar?
It seems that one of the Ten Commandments of masculinity is “Thou shall not feel.” This kind of mind-heart disconnect begins when boys are in the early years of school. You’ll see preschool and first-grade boys bringing items from home to comfort them amid their fear of the social demands of school. They’ll even hold hands and put their arms around other boys and girls to show affection and express joy. By second grade, male indoctrination begins. Boys are deemed unmasculine if they show fear, pain or heaven forbid the most taboo expression of all: crying.
For girls, that shift never really happens. Girls have the license to continue a full range of emotional expressions that is, except for one: anger. Girls get angry, of course, but it is taboo for them to express it. It is not feminine to get or express anger.
Ironically, anger is one of the few acceptable emotions sanctioned for boys to publicly express. So the question becomes, where do all these feelings go if boys aren’t regularly allowed to express them? If it’s not safe to tell mom and dad, or teacher and friend how you feel, what’s a boy to do?
There are several options for a boy to choose how he expresses his feelings growing up however most boys choose roads of either passivity or aggression.
When a boy chooses to abide closely to the male gender role, to restrict his emotions and focus on toughness and aggression, something negative begins to happen to this male’s emotional development. The male psyche does not then know how to handle emotions at all—his or anyone else’s. So the man becomes emotionally stunted, angry, and apathetic.
This is the guy who shuts down when his partner expresses anger or frustration. It’s the guy who doesn’t know how to deal with something sad so he turns to alcohol, sex, or Netflix. Or it’s the guy who lashes out in anger when criticized or confronted because he doesn’t know another way to handle the feelings of guilt, shame or embarrassment. We all probably know this guy and we have the strict male gender role and our collective upholding of it to thank..
“Boys will be boys” is something we might say in response. Another form of escape for older boys is pornography and various forms of sex addiction. These are often places where a boy expresses how he feels, and it feels safe because a computer screen demands nothing from you, nor do hook-ups or one-night stands.
When a boy learns that expression of feelings is not safe for him, he can become a boy who one day enters into dating or even marriage without knowing how to communicate in healthy ways.
So how we communicate to boys about their feelings is not just an issue for that boy today, it is an issue for that boy later in life, potentially affecting his future relationships and endeavors.
Parents can begin by modeling the expression of their own feelings in a healthy way. In this practice, you aren’t asking anything of the boy, you are simply just modeling the healthy expression of feelings and what those feelings often lead you to do.
Second, create a safe place for a boy to express how he feels. This means communicating in some way that he can always come talk to you about anything. And that if he does, he knows he won’t be turned away, criticized, or made fun of. He won’t be told, “Grow up. Stop crying. Be a man!”
Creating a safe place takes time, and he may not take advantage of it for years to come.
Third, help a boy develop a vocabulary for how he feels by putting a variety of feeling words in his mouth and see which one he identifies with. The older the boy, the more versatile their vocabulary.
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TheKSChronicles are the observations and insight of blogger and journalist Kerdisha St.Louis. Each article seeks to invoke a reaction and/or introspection from readers in Dominica and the Diaspora on various thought provoking issues and topics. The column is published every Friday.
Dear Mr. or Ms. Ebong,
As I also abhor sloppy sentence structure, I respectfully suggest that your comment could be better worded and punctuated as follows:
“I get really annoyed when I read a piece of text, especially when published, which clearly shows that the writer has no idea about punctuation. Is this really the level of journalism in this country? I am very disappointed in Ms. St Louis’s writing ability. She should do better.”
I also suggest that your criticism would be better received if tempered with encouragement.
I give credit to Ms. St Louis for taking on a difficult task and for having the courage to do so under her own name.
Sincerely,
Roger Burnett
Beautiful woman
Not too long ago, while traversing through the capital city, I happened to observe a young boy and his mother. The young rambunctious boy was happily playing, running up and down the street. Suddenly, he lost his footing and proceeded to fall (knees first) to the ground.
From my angle, I could see that the injury was not too bad but definitely one that startled him, causing him to cry. He ran to his mother, hands up seeking solace but startlingly, the mother offered none, briskly rubbing his knees, wiping his face and telling him that he was ‘fine’. (RUN-ON Sentence)
The young boy, who looked used to the rebuffs, walked away slowly and attempted to continue playing, but I could see he was hurt.
This incident, while not uncommon, hurt me. Why do we as a society (especially within the Caribbean community) feel like it’s not ok (write out the word okay) for men to show emotion?
I get really annoyed when I am reading a piece of writing (especially published writing) which clearly shows the writer has no idea about punctuation. Is this really the level of journalism in this country. I am very disappointed in this writing. Ms. St Louis, you should do better than this.
Dear Mr. or Ms. Ebong,
As I also abhor sloppy sentence structure, I respectfully suggest that your comment could be better worded and punctuated as follows:
“I get really annoyed when I read a piece of text, especially when published, which clearly shows that the writer has no idea about punctuation. Is this really the level of journalism in this country? I am very disappointed in Ms. St Louis’s writing ability. She should do better.”
I also suggest that your criticism would be better received if tempered with encouragement.
I give credit to Ms. St Louis for taking on a difficult task and for having the courage to do so under her own name.
Sincerely,
Roger Burnett
Boys and grown men do cry, but tears are not the only expression of hurt and grief.
I agree with the comment by “Eyes Wide Open”. Many Caribbean women prefer the macho image and reject gentler emotions. As a boy you are told to “be a man”. Then, as a caring none violent man, you are challenged with, “if you were a man”. Meaning: if you were a man you’d give me a good beating.
My problem is women wanting to tell a man what a man really is. when half of them needed a real man in their upbringing. A man in not someone who does what you want when you say. A man is not your puppet who loses himself in a hopeless attempt of making a woman happy. Although he has obligations and responsibilities, a man doesnt compramise his own values to please anyone else. Many women love chastising their “men” when they dont comply with their demands. Mn have it much harder than women could ever know.
Lets face the fact that you clearly didn’t address in this….boys are told from a young age that only women show emotions. It is considered girly to sow emotions and crying is attributed to becoming a homosexual (especially growing up in Dominica). As a man myself i was often told that “Women don’t like men who show emotions” and this is a majority accepted fact. So why do we not show emotions? why is it that men are shunned when they do, it is simple, to meet the acceptance quota of women.
Insipirational…
I am of the opinion that Ms St. Louis as an observer may have mis understood what the mother was trying to do. The fact of life is we will face challenges. We cry and we move on. Every time we face challenges we won’t always have parental support. So I think the mother is trying to teach the child an important lesson about life and not necessarily the conclusion she came to that boys don’t cry. She wipe his tears that shows love and offers comfort. Saying its fine communicates if I fall I can rise again after I cry and try again as the child clearly did.
many mothers here have communication issues. what you try to do and what you get from what you did are two different things. Mothers need to speak to their children more. explain what she meant and why. then the child wont grow up confused and ill informed.