My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. He is from up north and I am from town. All this time we have been living in the house my father left me when he died.
But the relationship has been very rocky because my boyfriend’s mother is controlling his life. He jumps at everything she says. Sometimes she calls in the middle of the night and he hires transport to take him to her place. This has been going on from day one and it is driving me crazy. I have spoken to him about it over the years, but there is no change.
Then last month he told me his mother told him that she is sick and she said she wants him near her. He said he is moving back home and will come down every Monday, Wednesday and Friday in the evening and leave the next day.
I am devastated by this and I make known to him my feelings but he said he has no choice.
As painful as it is, I am going to give him an ultimatum this weekend, it is either me or this mother.
You think this is the right thing to do?
Devastated
Dear Devastated,
After five years one would expect a man to settle down with his lover and even get married. Furthermore after all those years one would expect a man to have some level of control over his life and his relationship.
I am not saying he should completely forget his mother but I am sure he can work something out which would not put the relationship in jeopardy, which he is now doing.
You said you have spoken to him throughout the years and there is no change and you said the relationship has been rocky from the start. So maybe the ultimatum might just work. Give it a try and see how it works out. If not, move on. You don’t deserve this.
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published Tuesdays and Thursdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
After being in relationship with morgan for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily
wow wow wow
I’m so sorry. He has to choose you or his mom because if his mom is that jealous, crazy, and controlling, she is only gonna get worse when she gets older. You need to talk to him about that. Good Luck!
It’s his mother! He should take care of her! Duh!
I don’t have the same problem ANYMORE. I’m not married to my boyfriend, putting that out there. I did, however, have his child. His mom was always horrible to me, she hated me from day 1. Let me state here that she is a heavy drinker. When I was 8 months pregnant (and a balloon lol) she ran me out of the place where he and her were living in the middle of the night. She did nothing but spread lies about me and my family and he knew it. He still chose to have her be a part of our lives. Whatever right? I didn’t want to make him choose between us, as he loved her (of course, his mom duh). She kicked him out for NO REASON the night before I went into labor. When he was about to leave the house, she started crying and begging him “not to turn his back on her”. Drunk like usual. Well, I had the baby. She was still only a month old when Grandma fed her solid foods RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME after I specifically told her NO SOLIDS until 6 months. Well, my boyfriend sided with her, of course. We saved up and went on a vacation, his mom wanted to watch the baby and he said yes without even asking me. When I told her no, she threw a fit and tried to cancel our cabin reservation. She then proceeded to call the DHS and try to get our child taken from us. He almost went to jail (I was 17 he was 19). She knew that would happen. She then got someone to call and threaten to kill my whole family and burn our house down. He no longer talks to his mother, it took her going THAT FAR for him to get his head out of her butt, even with me being his child’s mother. So don’t expect to be picked over mama. Not happening. Also, she wouldn’t allow him to come over to my place when I was pregnant. I had to go over there in order to see him. I got ran out of that house many more times than just that once. He still would not say anything to her, he even told me I needed to take it easy on her. So yeah, just leave him. He’s not likely to “outgrow” this.
wow
for five years this has been going on, why now? cause his got to take care of his mother? you are being so selfish, you knew for years the guy puts his mother first you should have get out if it bothers you so much. right now you are looking like the bad one here, controlling or not she needs him family is family girl you are not married to the guy and his still willing to make time for you while helping his mom …if you dont want to be warm for just three nights a week, why all that crap just show your roommate how it is…. n stop being a bitch about his mom being controlling an all his been wit you for five years but his mother been there all his life you would have a point if you were married but you are not. if you love him respect his wishes, if you had different feelings for his mother maybe it would be different for you, dont let him choose…. you choose its your life you should know what you want.
she is NOT being selfish , mothers can be very controlling and manipulative and use their sons as pseudo husbands and slaves to get their every need. Unless his mother is sick and dying there is NO reason he should pick his mother over his girlfriend or wife and he should ALWAYS have his girlfriends back ! Having him choose, and making YOU a priority makes him grow up and be a real man . Congrats and best of luck to you going back 6 years.
U SHOULD NOT GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM, BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER, AND HE IS A MAMAS BOY.THE MOM IS IN CONTROL OF THIS RELATIONSHIP, U R NOT MARRIED TO HIM IT WILL ONLY GET WORST, SORRY TO SAY THIS BUT SOMETIMES I THINK SOME WOMEN WANT THEIR SONS FOR THEMSELVES, BUT THEY CANT TAKE CARE OF THEIR SONS NEEDS IN BED,JUST MOVE ON. HE HAS ALREADY CHOSEN HIS MOTHER. THEY SAY U ONLY GOT ONE MOTHER, HE NEED TO SET RULES.
This is such an interesting topic cuz im going (Was going) thru the same thing. The father of my unborn mother is such a bitch. She is worse than controlling n guess wat her husband told me once that shes not romantic n that all she does is cook n clean n no love in the house thats why he have to go out n get romance. Now she wants to have the son like he’s her MAn! so guess what Mrs. H, u can have him all i know if n when that babys born all i want is child maintenance from ur son and that’s it! Not too keen on the mamas boy thing! and if i knew he was a mamas boy i would have never OPEN my legs for him. Pa la!!!!!
Since when my fellow Dominicans have become so hard and ruthless? smdh
If you working I understand you can’t go up
But if you not working just go up north but no sexxxxx mama wont like that.
girl let d man take d mother to leave with u all so u both can takecare of d lady yeah.i know she will rock ur world no sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,dey can be bad mther inlaw
mother-in-laws could be a bitch at times,don’t take me wrong cause there are good ones out there too, but girl when a mother don’t like u before u marry to her son what make u think she will ever like u…..OH but this might work if u giving her money and washing her dirty panty for her she might come around. girl walk away he does not love you.
Honey, my best advise to you is to go with the flow. As long as you do not marry him, you will be okay. Marry him and she will control the BOTH of you and eventually ruin your marriage. Have fun and enjoy your youth; boyfriends come and go and some women are just bossy.
Then again, maybe he needs to be a tad bit closer to his mom so he can be of assistance? You said she’s sick??
girl move on,if a man nut for u his a gainst you 4 sake him,live him alone,y stress ur self wen u coud b e happy sum were else,allu dem woman,jus love being treated like dogs,cuz in life we were blessed with a choice to determine our happiness,wel u love having a mommas boy,cuz u still dur,wat us viewers can saynor,de fact u nut going u like fustration,i nut taking nobody joy an make my sorrow
excuseee me i dont want no mama’s boy like this
I hope she tells us what she finally decided to do.Her head might be spinning faster than hurricane Irene.
If you working I understand you can’t go up
But if you not working just go with him
that is all… You can never ask a real man to choose between yourself and his mother because until he marries you his mother is the queen. Just go with him and if you working go with him when you can or bring his mother down to stay with you guys until you can figure out a better alternative.
While it is true they are not married, he should have grown up already.he is a Man not a boy….His mother should have her OWN MAN next to her not ruining the life of her son…….My advice to you young lady is to find an independent man who wants to create a life for the both of u….Yes his mother struggled with him but Mothers in this day and age should learn to let go of children when the time is right…Do not stifle the life of your children by having them stick around you life flies when there is a whole life for them to explore….
@ NECTAR you said that his mother should get her own man right? im a 23 years old girl right and ive got a boyfriend and he does the same as devastated man is doing in some case even worse. my school fee was left unsettled while his mothers business was arrange yes is his mother but theres limitation. i love my boyfriend to death i can do anything for him but sometimes i fill like letting go. my heart aches when these things is happening so many thing has happen to me in this relationship where i had to go cry on my mum shoulders, and she helped me cry also. there were times when his mother would tell me dont take her son from her yet and i just began to realize that this is BULL. he dont make choices himself his mother does all this and she got a man so wat do you have to say for that what can you recommend me to do…
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
Firstly, this “girlfriend” has no rights. She is not married to the guy pure and simple. They should fear Allah and turn away from polytheism and fornication. When you do not live in accordance to the Lord’s will then one has to face the consequences and misery.
Secondly, a young man must honor his mother. He has duties towards her till death. It is forbidden for a man to put his mother in home for the aged etc. A companion came and ask the prophet Muhammad peace be upon him and his family, “Who should I love the most O messenger of Allah?”
The prophet said, “Your mother.”
The companion asked, “Who next?”
The prophet said, “Your mother.”
The companion asked, “Who next?”
The prophet said, “Your mother.”
The companion asked again, “Who next?”
The prophet said, “YOUR FATHER.”
Thus we see the true status of the mother in divine law and ethics. Even if a man is grown and married he still has to honor his parents. He still has to obey his parents except where there is clear disobedience to his Creator.
Another narration from the prophet Muhammad (p) “Paradise lies under the feet of your mother.”
It is true that some mothers can be very controlling and some women can be very selfish. Thus a man must employ wisdom in dealing with a controlling mum or a selfish woman. He must not be disrespectful but he has to set firm boundaries that is consistent with divine law and ethics.
For those who say that the young man is going to see another woman up “North” this is an irresponsible statement. Where is your proof? It is wrong to assume the negative. We must judge everything at face value except when one has evidence for suspicion. One must not be hasty in casting judgement on an issue.
In conclusion, the young man is engaged in a noble task of taking care of his mother. Keep it up and this girl, you give her an ultimatum to change her attitude. You are the man and Allah has placed the man in charge of the woman. The woman must know her place, she can’t give you an ultimatum between she and your mother. Is Bella serious with this advice? This is divine law!
You talking shit…there are some mothers who want to be the only woman in their sons life and are so damn controling…I’m married to a man whose mom acts the same way and it’s just annoying and causes unnecessary conflicts. Some of these mothers need to know when to back the hell of and let their sons be men. The bible says a man has to leave his mother and father and cleave (to cling closely, steadfastly, or faithfully) unto his wife, how in God’s earth can a man do that when he has a mother who wants to control him. He shouldn’t neglect his mother not at all…but his wife…girl friend should have priority. The mother has had her time to build a relationship with a man and I’m sure she didn’t or would not have like any interference from his mother, so why do it to the woman in your sons life.
If you read, I said that some mothers can be controlling as well as some women are selfish. Employing wisdom and setting firm boundaries are effective ways in dealing with this. Disrespect to elders is totally forbidden in divine law and ethics. This is why our society the way it is, no scruples, no morals.
Second, you mentioned that “girlfriend” should have priority. Absolutely not! How can an abominable fornicating relationship in the sight of Allah be given legitimacy? You quoted the bible which has many contradictions and versions however, do you know what 1 Corinthians said about the fornicator? When we speak about divine principles and ethics one must do his or her best to be just and balanced.
A wife is one thing honey but girlfriends come and go. Also his mother is ill. Divorces are common and family is always there. The only one a man should put in front of his mother is his own child. Not his girlfriend.
My son was engaged 6 times already and it surely wasn’t his mother that broke them up. Guess who was there every time His mother! When you are married to the man then you may have the right to be put first in most cases but surely he needs to care for a sick mother. You are healthy.
Darroux i have never heard of more assness like yours
you sound like period pain if you have a woman i hope she light you up with your none scene where in the bible you see that i would like to know the bible say leave you mother and father
baby girl come find me
be happy that he takes care of his mother. would you prefer one who showed no respect to his mother? i am not saying he should forget you while attending to his mother but it is downright wrong to ask a man to choose between you and his mother. chances are she may die before you so why be so selfish. try to help out with his mother if you want but stop being so selfish
thats not the point liioness thats not what shes bringin to u okay. whats she sayin is that everything his mum says to do he just does it.yes we want a man who helps his mother right but dont do it to the extent that he got to forget the family that he is trying to build. he does everything thats good but at list he could ask her communicate with her let her no this and that and she might even work with you too. we women got grate understanding we are here not just for men to abuse and use but to communicate, treat with respect just as u would like the same. you men would not get the point becuz all u all do is just abuse us,while we stick around for it. u guys want to much buccle u all shoes becuz there are womens who do u all the same and u who treat women the way DEVASTATED says her man do this is not healthy….. so question if ur wife was sick while u mum is sick as well wat would u do would u abandon ur woman and run to ur mum. this tells that u got to stay with ur mum not with ur woman becus it dont sims like u love ur woman.
@ over in love, you make no sense. that girl is just too damn selfish. if she thinks the man is not giving her enough attention what she doing with him? isnt that all women want? I respect that man for putting his mother first. and what does it say about a woman who cant stand a lil competition from an old lady?
were u der wen his mom was struggling with him trick plz stupes
@ over in love that was very disrespectful,if I had a son I would’nt want him anywhere near you
Smh Lord Help me I have 4 sons I pray to God they find good compassionate women that’s not
going to be upset when I’m sick and can no longer fend for myself…well WOW !
struggle or no struggle he still have to leave his mom and dad but he has the right to take care of there well beings
You’re not the (only pussy) that is available.
u re gonna regret it trust me u wont find another like him
none scene
can find even better he dont sound like mush any way
stupes is d boi mom if wasn t for her he wouldn t be here on dis earth jus accept it n go with him at his mom,s
Once you are not married to the guy you have no rights. YOU DONOT BELONG TO ANYONE UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED.ONCE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED YOU ARE SINGLE AND THE MAN CAN LEAVE IF HE WANTS.
what sort of rubbish is this?
Nothing is wrong with a guy taking care of his sick mom, but i am sure there are other options he could have looked at. My first question is, is he an only child? Can’t he find someone in the community to keep and eye on his mom? If he loves his woman so much why can’t they both stay with the mom for a while untill she gets better? Something is fishy is either he have another woman in the area where his mom leaves or his mom don’t like the woman.Dominicas you know when a mother don’t like her son or daughter significant other they would say and do anything to end that relationship.
i totally agree with what ur sayin trust me nd thats wat i said to my self also
is she really sick or playing sick just to get him away from her it is so sad
if your mother and your wife is drowning, I would like to know which one you’d be saving. Well for me I would run to my mother and my wife would have to drown in the water. I can get another wife I can never get another mother in my life.
Boy take care of your mother
Try to save both if you can.No wonder relationships between husbands and wives are in a mess.
Sometimes we need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves the right question. What am I doing wrong? Am I too nagging or controlling?
I get the feeling that there is more to the mother and the girl friend relationship. Women just can’t be pleased. If the guy was going to sleep with another woman then I would understand your concern. Just take a chill pill there is nothing wrong with the guy showing absolute care and love for his mum.
In fact the only true love is that of mum- woman love for all different reasons – money , wood , social status, religion, car- My mummy’s love is genuine papa so if mum needs me at 2:00 AM my children are ok and safe I’m on my way who vex” borssse”
Girl i think if you had a better relationship with the guy’s family your relationship would be better. when he goes up “NORTH” why don’t you go with him sometime There are too many women out there who are in relationships and are self centered , they do not want the man to be close to his family. They make no effort to involve themselves with the man’s family. It’s no wonder he treats you the way he does cause he sees right through you. If you continue with this attitude your relationship will always be rocky. If it wasnt for this man’s mother brought him into this world . I understand that there are some mothers that can be overbearing but in this case i think the mother realises the individual that you truly are. (self absorbed ) You have had five years to prove yourself and you currently have a failing grade. I know women like you.The man isn’t the issue here You are. This man is no fool and as long as his mother is living and breathing you will NEVER be wife.(she reads you like book)
Great comment – but I don’t believe this is about his mom – in the middle of the night? spare me please. On the contrary like you rightly said, he would invite her to go spend time with his mom along with him.
great comment!better than Bella’s for sure!
Woman to woman, I agree. she has to take time to go and visit the mother and get to know the family.. that is what the man Mum is looking at, her attitude…Try and go up north and and spend some time with your mother-in-law and see how things go.. it will not happen overnight but do your best…Good Luck
what mum want u near her……u her man come on boi put thing straight but still chech ur mon ras
I Never hear more crap in my life form Dominica woman.What you want his to push his mother aside for a woman that just his girlfriend. Honey thy mother and father my boy. It never say nothing about woman. The same woman that want to get mad cause u put your mother first is the same woman that well start complaining how u always in her foot.
All them woman that talking the woman put her foot down, not one saying girl your boyfriend mother sick i recommend to try help take care of her. to show her that she can get go of her son cause he in good hands.
Don’t put no woman before our family my boy.
i’m glad mama getting love eh.. cause them bloggers who call her soucouyant and the man mama’s boy sure didn’t check out the whole scenario
in any case my girl a man or a woman should never put someone in front of his or her mother …not saying that the mother is not a pain in the neck but still no one can replace a mothers love
We were ORDERED to leave our parents and cleave to our spouses, so, mom and dad take second place.
ONLY when you r married
I don’t see the problem with this guy running to his mom when she needs help or a little company. Come on people, that’s his mom and make it worse she’s sick! You should be happy by the way he treats his mom, then you won’t have any problems when you get married to him. Another thing you’re just his girlfriend, not his wife so I don’t see why you’re fussing about it anyways!
you all are jus bass on one thing jus becus the girl mention just this she just gave one example what about the rest that she didnt mention. what if the girl asked for a little help before his mother asked and he gave it to his mother first but what the mother wanted to do is not as important as what she DEVASTATED wanted too do u all need to stop this is not the only issue there right now.
You need to take an English Class 101 I see why no mother would want you anywhere near their son. Vemin
you really need that english class lol lol lol
boys will always be boys. They never take a woman feelings into consideraations. but u do that to them all hell break loose
Don’t you know if you was his wife you could have power to talk to her.After five years why are you stil his girlfriend.Get a real man and get out of sin get married.
this is very hard to do becuz when u love someone u would do anything for that person
get out as fast as u can most DA mothers are like that
how can u make a man choose between u n his mother..if i was a man i wud choose my mother she gave birth to me..n he can find another woman anytime but not another mother..
why dnt u visit the mother sometime n nurse her as well..
well said!
Well that situation has many ways on looking at it. Firstly if he was a real man, he would make an honest woman out of you…. You have invested 5 years, and still no change. Giving him that ultimatum is not wise. Asking a boy to choose between you(his girlfriend and his mother is wrong). The bible said leave mother and father and cleave to WIFE not woman/girlfriend or friend with benefit.
His mother needs him more than you do right now. Have patience and be there for the both of them……she is more vunerable than you are and it is his duty to take care f his mom.
I understand how you feel but be reasonable.
If you cannot make that ultimate sacrifice in the name of selfless love…. then just let him go. That sacrifice might just upgrade you om woman status to the ” wifey”
i wud leave mr high n dry go bk north and stay with ur mother
IT’S ANOTHER WOMAN. GIRL HE IS PLAYING YOU.
i have got the same problem with my girlfriend,her mother & church controling her, is just that some people just want to stay in there childhood days & dont want to grow up, the word god talks about that read (CORINTHIANS-10-11)for me i plan of moveing on because nobody wants to have a wife or husband who is immature thats Dangerous business.
HIS MOTHER CANNOT FAKE HER DEATH OR SICKNESS. If you get in between your BF and his mother, especially when she’s sick he will never truly love you. Instead of fighting with your BF and threatening your 5 year relationship (which is a no win). OFFER TO HELP THE MOTHER INSTEAD. This way you will know his movements, curb her intentions of interfering and keep your man in check indirectly. The mother heart will soften towards you and you will be in control. You can judge the integrity and character of a man by the way he treats his mother, always. If he didn’t give a rats then is a karwat u have.
now that’s the advice i’m looking for…..not that old advice from bella!
I WOULDN’T EVEN MAKE THAT LAST FOR ALL THAT YEARS, PUT YOUR FEET DOWN GIRL CUZ IF TODAY OR TOMORROW U ALL GET MARRIED SHE GONNA BE THE MIDDLEMAN IN ALL U MARRIAGE, HE HAS TO RUN EVERYTHING BY HER FOR HER TO APPROVE TRUST ME ON THAT. EITHER U IN OR U OUT, BUT SELF DESERVE A HARD SLAP
:TWISTED:
THAT NOT MAKING SENCE
so he’s a mama’s boy to be close to his sickly mom…. and funny thing.. most of those saying that are women themselves… i don’t think the guy should be jumping up middle of the night to go and check on his mom… but it seems he is unemployed also or maybe self employed cause how is it he have so much time to spend with his mom…. any way.. the lady shouldn’t bring the ultimatum now cause his mom is ill… she should have done that before or after she have gotten better…. then if this continues give him an ultimatum… i think if he loves his mother so.. then he’ll love her even more… she said the relation was rocky from the start… but was it cause of their personal biz or cause of his mom… cause it sure don’t seem like it’s cause of their personal biz… she’d have dropped him longtime… all i can say… he have to man up but i don’t think he’s a mama’s boy for wanting to spend time with his sickly dying poor mom especially if he’s the only one… but after that.. she has to set the boundaries and restrictions… if it can’t work then they’ll have to go seperate ways…
Well said … you should take Bella’s job
GIRL JUST CALL DAT SOUCUYAH DERE N TELL HER BACK OFF EH!!! PUT DOWN YOUR FOOT ,THAT MAN DERE ASELF TOO LIE IS ANOTHER WOMAN HE HAVE IN COUNTRY.SURPRISE HIM ON A DAY U DOH HAVE TO GO SERVICE HIM YOU WILL SEE WHAT I SAYING
CALL HIM B4 HE CALL U D/CA HAVE CELL U KNO BE OUTSIDE HIS MODA HOUSE TELL HIM U IN TOWN MISSING HIM
Now that’s what I’m talking about ,be your own detective just to make sure so you know,I would have done that a loooong time ago,enough is enough MM JJ you right after my own heart,right on point
As a pu-c-iologist I have to tell you boy step up and be a man cuz ure mamma cannot give you de terra we fellas like to do.
You can’t risk losing your girl over your mum especially if she is a good girl which are very hard to find in Dominica.
Then again mummy knows best, she might know sumthing you don’t.
As for the ultimatum, it’s an insult. You’re placing the guy in an uncomfortable position. Shame on you Bella for talking about 5 years. We decide when we’re ready to get married not time nor you or you yourself would already be married.
My aunts, grandparents and parents and countless others wre together for 10+ years b4 they got married and they’re still together.
I think u need some spelling classes.
THey were living in sin.And the bible warns no fornicators shall inherit the kingdom of God.YOUR PARENTS SET A BAD EXAMPLE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE.THAT IS NOT WORTHY TO FOLLOW.
he is still aboy
while I agree that a mother is always be a mother, but some of them just don’t want to let go of their sons. I was in the same situation. His mother even came at our home and take his clothes to wash!
Unless your boyfriend put his foot down, and let his mom know her boundaries, your relationship will not any get better. She will always be a thorn in your back. Either he is your MAN or her BABY. let him make that choice. Your are right!!!! Good Luck
What do you expect if you not washing his clothes? When mom has to do wife/girlfriend jobs that is what will happen and please how can a man in his right mind leave his dying mother to suffer alone.
Where the hell does it say it’s a woman’s job to wash a man’s clothes! IT’S 2011 – GET OUT OF THE DARK AGES!
I don’t know you people business but only if the man is my Husband,i’ll be washing his clothes
HE’S A BOY…..
u so right mum or me you deserve better young lady he not ready yet STILL MAMA BOY.
Whossss well Bel-Liar that one i still processing my response on that one. This is a test lets see what the Admin going to do with my post today..
ADMIN: I am being nice…..so don’t push it.
u and that admin dere always in a story..lol..happy couple
ADMIN: Hahahahaha. Bella will take care of our problem.
WHOSSSSSSSSSSS ADMIN OU PAR FEB . WHAT I PUSHING
ME people that ADMIN want i tell the little thing i dow want them you know. mine me empress whosssssssss