Dads Hurt TooA father’s heart hurts when things go wrong at home. Every father wants the best for his family. Most fathers suffer in silence though, because they think that to be a man one must be macho. There are times when being macho is useful and there are other times when being macho is simply unproductive and only contribute to problems of faulty communication, problems with spouse and children. It also creates health problems for most men.

Men do not seem to know that when they keep up the macho attitude or the attitude of control all the time, they are actually holding the body and emotions in a constant state of fight or flight response mode. This mode is one of domination and demands a constant flow of testosterones –  “The cock in the yard attitude.” After a few years of keeping up this attitude, it creates extreme wear and tear on the entire system responsible for this attitude, the reproductive and endocrine systems.

We wonder why some men of today have lost the sparkle in their eyes, the spring in their steps, the desire to have a family or to plan for the future.

Men work all day, when they come home instead of resting, they sit in front of the TV or a video game, or take a drink of alcohol.  No, instead, you should have a little rest. Allow the body to relax and allow the mind to settle down.  If you know how to meditate, do some meditation to rejuvenate yourself, replenish your energy and get rid of the stresses of the day. Do some yoga or tai chi, do sports etc.

More energy means clear-headedness, calmness, profoundness of the thinking process. One enjoys life more. This is how we see ahead of us. If a man can’t see ahead of him, then, he can’t advance or lead his family in the right way.  A very wise person said, “A nation without a vision perishes.” Of course, the vision of the nation is the vision or goals of the people in the nation. Its men, women and children.

If before work a man smokes weed or other drug, after work he smokes again, he keeps dulling his mind more and more. It would be very difficult to have a vision of the future with a dull mind.  Without a vision of the future, he loses his place in the society as a leader of the household, because he has cut himself off from his own source of energy, intelligence and creativity. It is possible to sink even lower to the point of not being able to groom oneself properly or at all, therefore the inability to maintain or support a home, or even to live in a home. That is when one takes to the streets as if one is surrounded by a turbulent darkness, a cloud of uncertainty and inability to do even the smallest tasks in a responsible way.

Now we know how one gets there, let us see how to get someone out of there.  Life can be explained by light and darkness, life supporting influences or life-damaging influences. One has to be balanced according to one’s body-type .  When an individual is balanced, he can easily perform right action, it is almost automatic.  When he is imbalanced, it is very difficult to do right, trouble finds him wherever he is.  Right actions bring light into our lives whereas wrong action, foul language, negative thoughts and intentions automatically brings more of themselves, darkness and fear. The key is to know how to return to balance and unfold your full potential in the process.

When you wake in the morning, whatever you do after depends on the amount of energy you have access to.  If you have enough energy, you will groom yourself and go about your daily activities, and without much delay or effort, accomplish all your goal for the day.  Whereas if you did not sleep well at night, you will feel groggy, cannot focus, memory will be affected and you turn around on yourself but not accomplishing anything much

You must know that you have your own source of energy and intelligence within you. This source can be best tapped in silence.  If you can be quiet, silent, still for a moment each day, twice daily for about 15-20 minutes each time, your fountain of energy will pour out into your active life. That is why you were asked to ‘be still’. It is like a reset button. Whenever you are still, the body gains deep rest and stresses are released. The mind gains a new freedom and this is repeated every morning and every evening.

We want quiet time in the schools so that children will not grow into adulthood with any debilitation, mental, physical, or emotional. That quiet time is good for dads too, and in fact for all men.

Most of the illnesses that men go through, especially the so called incurable ones have stress as their basis.  You may think of attacking the symptoms, but while you do that, think of releasing the stress that caused it in the first place. Release the stresses that sustain the attitudes and moods that cause the accumulation of stress hormones which end up as toxins. The accumulation of toxins brings on illness in the body.

Lenny’s story:

“I married young to my childhood sweetheart. We were about the same age and we have 4 children. I enjoyed helping with the daily chores.  We started having trouble when I got tired of being told that I did something wrong or that I did not finish something. Instead of listening and correcting the mistake, I would boil inside. I did not think of right or wrong, I just processed being told I was wrong especially in front of my friends. My friends would laugh at me and joke about it. They would say, ‘Now who’s wearing the pant” and things like that. This affected me deeply, deeper than I thought. We had other issues too. I think that if we had someone to whom we could talk, someone who could guide us in the right way, help us to see where our mistakes were and how to correct them, our relationship would have survived and improved.

I started smoking weed at an early age. It was portrayed as the manly thing to do. No one would tell on you. After a few years, I felt that I had difficulties focusing at school and my memory was severely affected. I knew that I had the potential to accomplish a lot, but I just did not have the energy or the clarity of mind.  It felt like a physical barrier in my brain.  At work, I could hardly focus. I forgot easily and getting things done was a constant struggle.

One morning, I woke up to a barrage of thoughts. It did not change for about 3 months, all kinds of negative thoughts including suicidal ones without any real reason. The strongest thoughts were thoughts of hitting my wife. I had to exercise great self-control in order not to let this happen because they were so strong sometimes, that I felt that they could take over my mind and make me do things I did not want to do.  During these 3 months, I lost all patience, now I was always on edge, and I noticed that once I got angry, I could not calm down easily. I started having severe lower back pain. It was thought that my kidneys were acting up, but later I was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

I was devastated but did not tell my wife because she would tell everyone especially my friends who would taunt me to death when they drank. Things got so bad at home that I ended up leaving the home and moving in with a friend who was younger than my wife, but to whom I could talk about anything. I missed my wife and children terribly but did not dare to return home.

One night, I spoke to a friend about the cancer problem and he told me about stress. I knew exactly what he was talking about because I experienced it live. Next day, he accompanied me to the Transcendental Meditation Centre  in Goodwill, and I learned to meditate.  I wished I had done this before, because the back pain has subsided, the anger is gone, I can think clearly, no more intrusive thoughts, and I can focus on any task for any length of time. The Centre sells a Comfort balm that relieves anyone with pain, swelling, stiffness and even itches like eczema or psoriasis.  It really worked for me.

At the TM Centre, there is a Health Spa and I had the opportunity to do the Ayurvedic Treatment which includes an Ayurvedic massage, a sublime oil treatment on the head, a steam heat treatment and knowledge about one’s body type and how to keep that unique body type healthy. With the help of Dr. John, I have since started visiting my children again, helping them with their school work,  and my wife and I are very good friends again.

I took a lot of time to see clearly what was happening to me and so I let my body deteriorate, my mind too, but God has a plan for me. Someone told me about stress and gave me another opportunity at life by taking me somewhere where I  could get  help to balance myself.

Thanks  Dr. John for helping me get my life back.