At the end of my rope with my abusive and cheating husband

Dear Bella: My husband has become very abusive to me and my children after I got to know about his affair.

He calls me and my kids names; he no longer respects me infront the kids.The woman call my house and my husband say there is nothing wrong when she calls. I heard he bought her a house. Now that I heard she has AIDS I am afraid that my kids and I may be at risk. I took an AIDS test after I heard about the affair; after that I have not had sex with him again.

I do not know where to go from here. I am a 49-year-old woman in a 30-year-old marriage with four kids. This was the only man I ever loved. What should I do? Why do women cheat with married men and want the men to leave their wives for them? This woman already has four bastards for four different fathers, and none of them take responsible for their children, but she wants my husband to leave his and feed hers.

Dear Miss,

It seems that you have been trying to make your marriage work even after learning your husband had an affair; however if you do  not feel loved and he is mistreating and abusing you I suggest you consider a separation. It is not mentally and physically healthy for you at this point to go through this difficulty if your husband is not admitting his wrong and meeting you half way to make things work. I do not encourage you to go explore another relationship if you should resort to divorce because in God’s eyes until death you’re still married.

Also do not let him entice you into having sexual relations with him until you get the results of the AIDS test. As for this other misguided woman there are many more like her with this nature; regardless if their actions are destroying a happy home they will still do it for their selfish desire.

You have come a long way in your many years of marriage and your four kids – focus on rearing your goods into positive people and do not bad talk their father in their midst. If you truly want your relationship to work you must sit with your husband and express yourself to him and recommend that you go on therapy as a couple or a weekend together to get things back on track.

Bella.

Do you have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at bella@dominicanewsonline.com. Dear Bella is published every Monday and Friday. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion, and by reading this column you agree to indemnify us from any such liability. We encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.

Disclaimer: The comments on this page do not necessarily reflect the views of DominicaNewsOnline.com/Duravision Inc. All comments are approved by DominicaNewsOnline.com before they are posted. We never censor based on political or ideological points of view, but we do try to maintain a sensible balance between free speech and responsible moderating.

We will delete comments that:

  • violate or infringe the rights of any person, are defamatory or harassing or include personal attacks
  • are abusive, profane or offensive
  • contain material which violates or encourages others to violate any applicable law
  • promote hatred of any kind
  • refer to people arrested or charged with a crime as though they had been found guilty
  • contain links to "chain letters", pornographic or obscene movies or graphic images
  • are excessively long and off-message

See our full comment/user policy/agreement.

33 Comments

  1. blakah blackah
    May 31, 2011

    cause i have a mother abd i will killl a nigga if he just dream of abusing my queen u must be mad

  2. blakah blackah
    May 31, 2011

    when hi go to sleep u know what to do cut it offf :twisted:

  3. DISGUSTED
    January 28, 2011

    i dont even know what to tell you because i know that you already know what you should do.
    i really dont know why some of you all even write to this column, if is attention some of you seek,i dont even know why i myself reading that bullshit. woman if you know what good for you grow a backbone and use it.

  4. PRAY 4 BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER
    May 11, 2010

    TO KID777 I LIKE YR RESPONCE BUT WHAT SOME OTHERS DON’T KNOW EASIER SAID THAN DONE EVERYBODY HAS A REMEDY TO SOMEBODY ELSE SORE UNTIL THEY FIND THEMSELVES IN THE SAME MESS AND EVEN WORSE BUT MY ADVICE TO THE LADY IS TO PRAY AND ASK THE LORD TO LET HIS WILL BE DONE IN YOUR LIFE YOU SEE THIS THING CALLED PRAY I AM A WITNESS BEING IN THAT SAME MESS FOR YEARS WITH NO PEACE FROM NEITHER THE HUSBAND NOR HIS WOMAN JUST THINK OF ALL THE ABUSE THEIR IS AND THATS WHAT I WENT THROUGH WELL I FIND THE STRENGTH FROM THE ALMIGHTY AND I LET HIM GO FOR THE WOMAN AND PUT PRAYERS ON THE BOTH OF THEM AND I AM HAPPILY MARRIED TODAY AND GUESS WHAT HE STILL LEFT THE WOMAN AND MOVE ON WITH SOME ONE ELSE AND EVEN MARRIED.AND TO THE WOMEN OUT THEIR WHO THINK THAT MESSING UP SOMEBODY MARRIAGE IS SWEET YOU ALL ARE FOOLING YOURSELVES A WOMAN WITH HIGH SELF ESTEEM WOULD NEVER STOOP SO LOW SO GUESS WHAT YOU ALL ARE JUST LETTING EVERY BODY SEE HOW LOW YOURSELF ESTEEM IS MATERIAL THINGS IN LIFE IS FOR A TIME IS WHAT WE DO FOR CHRIST THAT WILL LAST SO MY DEAR LADY LIGHT YOUR CANDLE AND PRAY SHED YOUR TEARS CUZ I KNOW IT HURTS READ YOUR PSALMS GOD WILL PUT YOUR TEARS IN A BOTTLE IT WON’T FALL ON STONES PRAY PRAY PRAY AND PRAY FOR BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER AND SEE THE DELIVERACE

    • DISGUSTED
      January 28, 2011

      i get what you saying but i just wish that some women were stronger when it comes to situation like this.
      truth be told is only God that can help her, she sound weak and the man has already caused her to have low self esteem.
      i dont know him and i dont like him!!

  5. beauty
    May 7, 2010

    any man who can put his wife and children in that dangerous situation is very stupid and uncaring. My dear it is time to wake up and smell the coffee, for the well being of yourself and the kids kick thisman out of your life.As for the other woman leave her to God, remember he is not sleeping and he watches everything we do.

  6. germie
    April 12, 2010

    my dear… i feel ure pain… after 30 yrs i knw u can feel ure life crahing… ut my advice to you is to move on… get a seperation… the bible says that you can get divorced on the case of adultery but u should plan on staying single… i dont knw if u will be able to do tht because your not very old… pray long and hard and God will help u make it through.

  7. reality
    April 5, 2010

    Bella, GOD defined grounds for divorce : ADULTERY §§ AND THIS WOMAN CAN SURELY GET MARRIED AGAIN?? Read mathew 19 verse 9…!

  8. Anonymous
    April 1, 2010

    Bella I thought you were giving good advise this time but then you start telling miss in the eyes of God she is married forever. Nonsense, she needs to run to get a divorce and leave mister alone. I cant believe this woman is taking the time to write to you. There should be no doubt in her mind about what she should do. We as women need to have self love and stop being afraid to be alone. Its so easy to be stuck on ones husband but as we can see from letter after letter written to Bella the men dont care about anything or anyone but them self.

  9. Blessed
    March 31, 2010

    My advice to you is to pray that you are safe because you could have tested negative but the virus can only be detected six months after. Also, you should talk to your husband about changing his ways and if he really cannot do it then it’s a sign that GOD is telling you to let go. You have already enjoyed 30 years of marriage so you can let go..and remember not because you love someone means you have to stay with them…..Think carefully before you make any drastic decision and please do not pay bad with bad. PRAY and everything will be alright.

    • I agree
      April 1, 2010

      QUOTE ” Sometimes we hold on to the things that God is trying to set us free from” i remember this quote from a movie and it has always been an inspiration to me, four children is a long way, after being married for 30yrs if this man cannot respect you than he never will. Get out before its to late.

      You should watch the Movie Diary of a mad black woman by Tyler Perry and take a hint as to what men are capable of after years of marriage.

  10. March 30, 2010

    my dear lady i think the respect is gone ,i think you are causeing your self more harm than good,,i know how you feel first love its not easy to let go ,but nowadays wemen dont stand for s***,i hope you are in a job

  11. THE HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM
    March 30, 2010

    LADY SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LIFE SORRY HEAR,BUT SERIOUSLY YOU SHOULD HAVE NOTICED YOUR HUSBAND WAS NO GOOD….AND DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHI WITH GOD?COMEONE THE WOMAN WHO HE CHEATED WITH WAS LOOKING FOR LOVE IN THE WRONG PLACES AND YOUR HUSBAND IS TO BE BLAMED FOR MESSING WITH HER EMOTIONS LIKE SO MANY OTHER MEN DID…TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT…

    NEVER MIND THE WOMAN,YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT STARTING OVER AGAIN..START BY PRAYING FOR YOUR HUSBAND..YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM SO TAKE IT TO THE LORD IN PRAY.ONLY GOD CAN WORK ON HIS BAD WAYS..

    YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE A BETTER LIFE..YOU DON’T WANT THEM TO GO THROUGH WHAT U HAVE BEEN THROUGH..

    WOMEN SHOULD STAND UP AGAINST MEN LIKE YOUR’S TOO MANY DIRTY ABUSIVE MEN OUT THERE,AND YOU WOMEN FIGHT FOR THEM..WHY? IF YOU INTEND TO STAY WITH HIM THEN YOU ARE WASTING ALL OUR TIME HERE YOU DON’T NEED ADVICE…..THE MAN BECAME PART OF YOURLIFE BUT WHAT ARE U GOING TO DO IF HE DIES TOMORROW,SIT AND WONDER HOW U GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS?..COME ON MOVE ON….TAKE COMFORT IN GOD AND AKS FOR HEALING AND A HEALTHY LIFE…..FOR THOSE MEN OUT THERE WHY THE HELL CAN’T U ALL USE PROTECTION….THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS DAM IT IF U ALL HATE YOUR WIVES..

    I KNOW I WOULD CUT HIS ……WHAT OFF!!!HE WOULD DEFINATELY WAKE UP A LITTLE SHORT!!!!!

    • GOOD ONE
      March 30, 2010

      WELL I AGREE …SAD TO KNOW THIS LADY HAS TO PUT UP WITH THIS..BUT LADY THE MAN PROBABLY SLEPT WITH MORE WOMEN THAN U THINK ALSO..

      U KNOW ABOUT THE HIV POSITIVE WOMAN,,THERE MIGHT BE MORE WOMEN..SO THE FACT THAT HE IS SO WICKED,YOU SHOULD JUST LET HIM GO……

      THE WOMEN HE SLEPT WITH AREN’T THE ONLY PROBLEM HERE..THE MAN IS THE ONE WHO BROUGHT THE PROBLEMS HOME TO U NOT THE WOMEN..FOCUS ON HIS FAULTS..THE WOMEN ARE OUTSIDERS..THEY ARE WHAT THEY WANNA BE AND THAT U CAN’T CHANGE..YOUR HUSBAND IS THE ONE U SHOUDL BE ANGRY AT….SO I SUGGEST U SHAKE HIM OFF…

      GET OUT…..GET WHAT U CAN FROM HIM AND LET THE LAW GET INVOLVE…I WOULD REPORT THE ABUSE,AND LET HIM STAY AWAY FROM ME/..AND TAKE WHAT U NEED FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS..DON’T LET HIM STAY OUT IN THE COLD,BUT LET HIM REMEMBER FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE WHAT HE DID TO U AND THE KIDS…GOOD LUCK.

  12. child
    March 30, 2010

    pack up and take your children on a trip (the husband dont deserve you

  13. The Way I see It
    March 30, 2010

    Bella while I applaud you for the advise, you need to realise that the Bible gives only one reason for divorce and that is infidelity. This man has clearly displayed infidelity. I don’t know what the man’s medical status is but if he has HIV and she doesn’t (at least for now) then he must have gotten it from someone else and not from his wife.

    If the woman chose to divorce she can remarry without any problem because she was not the offending one. As far as I am concerned, the moment he had extramarital relationship with his other women he broke the marriage and so she is free to separate herself from him. I think she should diivorce his a** and take him up with the court for child support. And if the legal system is working as it should they will award you the house for your kids.

    Her marriage is already on the ropes so she should not put her life there. If she cannot save her marriage because he is not interested in saving it, then she needs to save her life and her sanity and save her kids.

  14. Dominica Lover
    March 30, 2010

    Girl the marriage is dead, dead, dead, the Lord who is your Father, want u to have abundant life, that mean alive and happy and prosperous, not death threat, and misery. so as ar as the Father is concerned, the marrige finish. You need to get a good lawyer, you get the house, for the children and alimony , child support and spousal support. Then go open a stall and make yourself into something, you are stil young. Bella a bit outdated. This is no way to reconciled to a man who is abusing you your children and have his woman doing the same.

  15. M&Ms
    March 30, 2010

    Hey Kid777, I’m a married man & never cheated but I don’t think Mr. wants any real long term relationship with the other woman. She’s just a woman on the side comforting him and giving him what he lacks or perceives to lack from his current wife. When these things happen it is essential to sit as adults and discuss the situation especially with a mediator, if that’s still possible.

    Both men and women tend to get complacent in their marriages and the temptations to go out there creep in. Look at it this way. In a relationship we all have a love bank in which the little things (the things that allows us to feel love from the other person) are deposited. However, over time we make withdrawals when we have fights, don’t communicate or don’t really resolve issues but let them grow slowly but surely. The withdrawals become so frequent to the point where they start to outweigh the deposits. That love bank is never totally emptied even when it reaches a stage of divorce (when we close our love bank accounts). Sorry this stage appears to be this case but you BOTH have love in your hearts (even unseen or not shown).

    Anyways miss, have you guys really talked heart to heart about this? Not just brushing it off, because if you have then you should consider asking him to leave otherwise you BOTH need to accept that you’ll work on your marriage. Easier said than done. You may want to have an unbiased mediator (sometimes really hard to find one). Anyways good luck and God bless.

    • Hmmm?
      March 30, 2010

      If he doesn’t want a long term with the other, why ill treat his wife and kids?

  16. B
    March 30, 2010

    bella part of ur advice sounded religious and old timish i must say. i thought u were supposed to be open minded and unbiased? Maybe u could have said pursuing another relationship after she ends her current one wouldnt be a good time, as she has her 4 kids and needs time to heal, but dont say because the CATHOLIC doctrine says married once married for life doesnt mean she cant pursue another marriage.
    Im catholic btw but i dont believe God made us to be slaves for an unhappy marriage. If we find happiness elsewhere after ending the marriage then i believe God would be pleased to see me happy again!

  17. Starseed
    March 30, 2010

    I agree with Mentally Disturbed. I think if people split or somebody passes, you cannot give up relationships again just because of that.. surely God would like people to be happy too!

  18. Single Woman
    March 30, 2010

    Leave him. Cut your losses. And pray for God’s guidance.

    Never love a man more than your sanity, your kids and your life. Are you willing to get crazy, die for him due to AIDS for the sake of his cheating habits? Not that he got it by accident or from work or something like that? Think about it, ask yourself if you still have a marriage and make a decision. You wear a ring, had a wedding day but right now have no marriage….

  19. Follow work guidelines
    March 30, 2010

    Bella, The advice that you gave to this lady is the BEST advice that she can get. After 30 years of marriage, I would definitely recommend the separation. And to the other persons writing comments – Bella is RIGHT! Abused, divorced or not she is still married to this man in God’s eyes until death of one of the parties. So give bellla break. We all agree that this relationship is not health and the lady deserves better.
    Sometimes, better means staying by ourselves and raising our kids. There is nothing wrong in that. I hope her Aids result is NEGATIVE and wish her all the best I have no doubt that his man will get exactly what he deserves in the future.

    • Mentally Disturbed
      March 30, 2010

      Ahhh give bella a break. wat dat means? don’t disagree with her? If u notice I was not disagreeing with Bella on the separation.
      Now u tell me, if a female is 25-30 yrs old, husband abusing her for yrs, she try to hold on for the worse, couldn’t maintain and divorce de man, she shouldn’t have a relationship or get married for the rest of her life?
      Dem is ole rules, written into the bible by man to control woman. Even I kno dat and I mental.

  20. What!!!!?
    March 30, 2010

    They say for better or worse. Sweetheart you never hear of hot oil? Wait whent he SOB sleeping and pour hot oil in his damn ears. You have been put in a position where your children and yourself are at great, great risk. No woman needs to live like that. Now the man might even have AIDS? Darlin run and run fast. You cannot love yourself and your children if you allow yourself to be in a postion like that for the rest of your life. The laws of marriage does not govern for that man to treat you in such a way. Go to the church, get an annulment. 30 something years of marriage means nothing if it was based on lies and deception. You was married tot hat man but he was in no way married to you. Love yourself first, love your children more and leave that man. Put him out let him go stay with his infected woman. But please LEAVE HIM

  21. Irie
    March 30, 2010

    My girl your husband should be a ‘dayfeh’ already…how come I not hearing his death announcement on de radio? you wasting time……aye joke I joking doh kill him nuh just make that creature go.

    My dear on a serious note, when your results come back, especially if you are negative, please do your self a favour and let mister go about his business, what you doing with a thing like dat at your home? Lady love is not all, time to make yourself independent of this escomorteh, next thing de devil possess him to rape you and he give you whatever he carrying? You know these things happen right?

    stand up on your two feet, get a job something and provide for yourself and your children, and the courts will make him pay if you file for divorce, but the way I see it, your marriage dead dead dead. Bella like to tell people about reconcile, as if she like people to stay and see miseh, but in your case that is beating a dead horse.

    • LAUGH OUT LOUD
      April 1, 2010

      @ IRIE i agree with you 100%, i like that lil joke there, u make my day,lol,

  22. Mentally Disturbed
    March 30, 2010

    Ahhh Bella, this is not the most comforting of advice. Are u suggesting that if the woman gets divorce that she should never have a relationship again (cause God says so). Madness. A man abuses you, abuses your kids, disrespects you by having his outside woman call your house, and worse, even possibly bring home a deadly virus, and you saying that if she ever decides to divorce him, in God’s eyes, she’s still married to him.
    Oh Jah! What kind of God are we serving?

  23. Kid 777
    March 30, 2010

    MR IS SENIAL.. I AM A MAN AND I WILL NEVER CHEAT ON MY WIFE WITH A WOMAN WITH 4 KIDS..NO WAY.NO WAY.. BOY MY WIFE IS MY LIFE…. ALL THEM WOMAN TODAY WANT IS THEIR FINANCIAL SECURITY, SO TO RISK YOUR 30 YEAR OLD MARRIAGE AND FAMILY FOR AN A** HEADED 4 KIDS MOTHER GAL IS LIKE FALLING FROM THE MOON..
    MAN GO AND HANG YOURSELF INSTEAD… YOU HAVE A WOMAN WHO HAVE DEVOTED HER ENTIRE LIFE TO YOU AND YOU FORMING THE FOOL… YOU NEED TO RE EXAMINE YOUR CONSCIENCE AND ACT LIKE A MAN..
    TO YOU THE WIFE JUST HOLD ON STRONG AND GIVE IT UP TO THE MOST HIGH IN PRAYERS.. ALL LONG ROPE HAVE AN END, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF OVER A HAPPY IDIOT..LIVE YOUR LIFE AND LOVE YOUR KIDS AND TIME WILL TELL.TIME WILL TELL..
    SAD STORY…..

    • Mentally Disturbed
      March 30, 2010

      Kid lay off the caps lock man, u gettin me high. But good post tho.

    • hello
      March 30, 2010

      wow….if only majority of our men think like you, we would be a better society

    • The Day Has Come
      March 30, 2010

      really good advice.. rather this one that what Bella wrote. My lady…. it’s going to be alright and better once you leave this marriage. God don’t want you to stay in an abusive marriage. Make sure you get good settlement so that you and your children can have the home. You can start over… you will make it through and come out shining.. you and your kids.. Love them cause they are your joy. I pray you will find peace through this… Please leave this marriage immediately.. that man do not love you any more and will not turn from his wicked ways. Trust in God and make your your out in peace. Do not give him the upper hand over you, you are special in God’s eyes and deserve better than this.. Yes it’s been 30 years, but you can do this… be strong for you and your kids and leave… all the best to you. ( as a woman… i feel your pain)

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

:) :-D :wink: :( 8-O :lol: :-| :cry: 8) :-? :-P :-x :?: :oops: :twisted: :mrgreen: more »

 characters available