My husband is abusing me

Dear Bella: I really need help. Not even professionals are helping me in this situation.

For the past three to four months, I have been having problems with my husband since one of his friends started visiting our home. My husband started going out a lot, coming home drunk and abusing me in all kinds of ways. We are in court for the abuses and the way he has been treating me.

My husband start telling me that I need to find a job and our intimate relationship was cold; we’re fighting for no reason, so I said to myself something is not right.

I have a protection order against him based on the abuse, and he is taking this for granted, but what I never realized was that one day, I took the decision to go somewhere and I met my husband and his friend with a woman! Surprise! Now I understand why he was treating me like this!

Now I have a big problem. I don’t know what to do. Should I forgive him or divorce him? I am not pleased.  My husband is getting worst and lying to me about the woman. When I saw him I found condom in his bag. And all of that! God help me ’cause we have children and they are very young. My situation is critical.

Help please!  Help!

Dear Madam:

If professional counselling and a protection order are not working out for you, I do not know what else will.  A period of separation may be the answer at this time, or ultimately a divorce if this persists.

Also you have to be certain that he is having an affair. Walking with condoms do not mean he is having an affair with the woman. What really concerns me is the abuse. This is unacceptable and dangerous. It may get worst.

Do you have family members who can take you in until this has settled?

I think you need to get away from this, whether it is temporary or permanent.

Bella
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23 Comments

  1. cookoon satti
    March 18, 2010

    You take protection against the man you want his food, his house and his money and the respect of being called by his name? woman you out of your mind. I don’t support the pig’s cheating if that’s what it is but you need to get real. Maybe you haven’t been doing new things, new positions, adventurous sex. I don’t know. But since your behind just sitting down doing nothing say thanks that the man is still with you.

  2. madhead
    March 18, 2010

    girl forgive the freakin man eh. what the …. will jesus do?

  3. March 9, 2010

    no man who lays a hand on a woman if not to comfort her , is not a man at all. i believe you should divorce this guy, no doubt about it. live on move on, he hurt you, do you really want to go back to that? you deserve better. find some one who knows how to love and trea you right, one thing for sure, it’s not this guy!!.

  4. precious
    February 25, 2010

    whooooooosh mi row row…lol

  5. Son of God!!!
    February 23, 2010

    Imnteresting that for someone who speaks like a university grad, someone who uses words like ARQUAIC, someone who has had me hunting down the meaning for such a word, would not understand that we are educated so that there is UNITY IN DIVERSITY( MEANING OFUNIVERSITY).

    Because of our education, we learn at best to respect the opinion of others. we learn to appreciate history and therin learn from the experience of those gone before us.

    imagine if our cars chose not to comply to our commands. perhaps we would be damaged in the accident but the car most definately would.

    Chaos is achieved when we chose a life outside of Not the religious Doctrines, But outside of christ and there is nothing old about him.

    I am sorry that you think of me as self professed, but it is my God who calls me son. (John 1:12).
    i am omly confessing who i am, a sinner washed clean by the blood of Christ.

    The great thing is that you too can be healed of the physical and psychological pains that you’ve experienced. you can find help, you were just looking in the wrong place.

    think on this. many think that the rope tied to a kite and being yanked on by the kid on the ground prevents the kite from soaring higher.

    Experience and science tells us that the contraints held by the kid and tied to the kite is what keeps the kite up.

  6. dont mind
    February 23, 2010

    try your best he might stop

  7. February 23, 2010

    But what bella write there na… the man cheating on the woman… that’s y woman now a days should be independent and not depend on no man for nothing whether u married or not cause he will still continue to cheat and still beat ur ass…. so divorce the sorry bastard and move on with your life… your children deserve better

  8. ebeh weh
    February 23, 2010

    SON OF GOD, sorry to say, but you speaking nonesense. The laws that are set up to prevent people from divorcing are arquaic at best. No one should have to put up with any kind of abuse simply because a piece of paper says so or a bunch of people came together to decide what is best for an adult. The judges are not there when the woman is taking blows from her drunken, idiotic, cheating husband. The lawyers aren’t there to see how frightened the children are everytime mommy or daddy decides to let go blows on each other. The priests aren’t there to pay for doctor bills, therapy bills from all the emotional stress, and medical bill from all de volays dat the woman does get. So I say a BIG FAT STUPES to laws that want to keep families together for the sake of old religious doctines and that do not look at the deeper issues surrounding family strife. If YOU as a self-professed son of God can raise your hand to a woman, and cannot control your impulse because you fraid she was going to leave you, can you imagine the agony women and children going through because their non religious husbands are beating them, the kids, and cheating on them? And you find a woman should stay in that dayba? NO WAY. The laws need to change.

  9. bigmama
    February 23, 2010

    THATS WHAT HAPPEND WHEN WOMAN DOH WANT TO FIND A JOB AND SPENDIND DEH MAN MONEY DOING HAIR NAILS AND WHEN HE COME HOME SHE TOO TIRED FOR HIM AFTER SHE GO OUT ON HER 3SOME DATE WITH UR FRIEND AND HER …FRIEND ALL U WOMAN TOO DIRTY SAY WHY DEH MAN DOING THAT TO YOU WHEN DEH MAN GONE WORK U WELL DRESS ALL OVER DEH PLACE HE NEED TO KICK UR … OUT

  10. empressdee
    February 22, 2010

    I do believe you are crazy Bella. A married man with condoms in his pocket doesn’t mean he is cheating. Please Bella! Tell this woman to leave her lying, cheating, abusive husband.

  11. Karkabeff
    February 22, 2010

    If he beat you kill him.
    Now, that is some Jerry Springer … you telling us there papa. I think you see the man with a new woman after you ask him for a divorce and you cant stand it. Darling, if you leaving he need to find coochie somewhere else. Make up your mind if you going or staying and the rest of the answers will follow.

  12. Son of God!!!
    February 22, 2010

    As a christian brother, my advice to you would NOT be to get a divorce. the aged folks once said to me that no man runs away from happiness.

    men can be difficult, and i strongly believe that a man who hits a woman is a coward. i know from experience, i once hit a woman i love. and i know it came from not just the hurt, but from the fear of not having her in my life, the fear of the realization that she would never change her old ways. i walked away from her that night.

    many years have gone by and i have never repeated that mistake. i still love her but i told myself that i am better without her. thankfully i wasn’t married to her.

    in marriage, you cannot just pick up and leave like i did. YOU MADE A VOW BEFORE GOD ALMIGHTY. for better or worst. if you cannot keep that vow, that promise, which sensible person is going to believe that you can keep a promise to them. will your kids, new boyfriend, next husband?
    who will believe you?

    Had i been married to this girl, i would have walk on my knees begging her forgiveness, not because she was innocent, but because God was a witness to our marriage. and i wouldn’t dare want to break a vow to him.

    admitedly some people do not belong together, but with god, all things are possible. and there is no problem bigger than the God i serve.

    EBEH-WEH.
    Perhaps the courts are structure the way they are to protect the institution of Marriage, to foster family, and to protect our Kids. This is the responsibilities that they were charged with by our fore-fathers in hope of securing a future in which we can all learn to live in harmony.

    We all have our faults and unless we recognize and accept them and choose to call in the repair man(JESUS), they follow us irrespective of a change of scenery.

    Marriage is forever, and if you cannot work it out with this man, is it possible that God may not be able to work it out with you. He considers you his bride. are you perfect?

    Find a church that teaches the Bible, Find a pastor who is God fearing and let God start working on your life.

    all you have to do is commit, really commit.

    GOd Bless!

  13. Loving Husband
    February 22, 2010

    Well , I want to advise the women out there, and maybe some men too….marriage is a serious serious thing, and is hard work! is either it make you or it break you. Endless woman like to think marriage is just de fancy ceremony and after de wedding they and their husband living like dog and cat in the house always in a commotion! I always believe a husband and wife should be best friends…I have my boys and them, but my wife is my best friend and I respect her, we took the time off to learn each other, and even though you can never know all there is to know about a person, and people do change, we marry when we figure we love each other enough even with all our ‘dayfoe’. Some woman enchass to marry just to put on white dress and flash wedding ring, and they secretly hoping marriage will change a vieux negre man….awah if he was a mal-boowo before you marry him is not when all you marry he will change, infact he will even get worse, because now he can relax since you have nowhere going.

    Lots of times you hear people talking about how their marriage is a disaster is because they convince themselves that marriage is a vacation that would solve all their problems….Lady, if mister beating and cheating is time you and your lawyer start MEETING ’cause it sounds to me like Kai poule kwazay!

  14. Dominican lover
    February 22, 2010

    Girl is simple, wait till de potash sleeping and take a march pillo and foutay potas la apie. Take a stick and hit him hard under the foot when he sleeping, case close.No ivorce no court order, no counsellor, that is white people thing and it duh work. the good ole African way hit him hard underhis foot when he sleeping, he not go anywya again and all dat nonsense stop, and as you hitting him bawl out mondiewu nomme la ca trai moi.

  15. ebeh weh
    February 22, 2010

    Bella sound like she could not wait to finish wiritng her reply. So Bella wha you say dere? Condom doh mean that the MARRIED man cheating? So what it in his pocket for then, decoration? ebeh weh. Chile, there are no second chances with physical abuse and on top of it cheating. It would do the lady good to find a job, let a relative take care of the children and get ready to divorce de man. Plenty women doing it on their own these days so she not alone.

    But one thing DNO should do is look into this divorce thing in Dominica. If all you see how much rules it have. If all you know how de courts does be against de woman all you would bawl. Men have more rights than women especially if it have children in it. Bonjay. DNO should write an article and make sure allu interview women dat going through divorce and lawyers dat handling divorce. Allu would be surprise at de nonesense. Trust me on that.

  16. precious
    February 22, 2010

    Lady you need to find yourself a job and divorce this guy, in this time no need to take man stress like that, someday the kids will understand why you had to divorce there father. once a man started abusing you that is a sign to get outof that relationship. there are men guys out there god will send a good one for you.

  17. china doll
    February 22, 2010

    SOME MEN CAN ME VERY INSENSITIVE, THEY DO NOT THINK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS, TAKE MY BOYFRIEND FOR EXAMPLE , HE LIVES IN DOMINICA AND I LIVE IN CHICAGO, HE TELLS ME WE ARE NOT TO SPEAK EVERY DAY, WE USED TO SPEAK ALL THE TIME AND NOW HE IS FINDING A REASON TO TELL ME HE WILL NOT CALL ME ALL DAY EVERYDAY, I CAN CALL IF I WANT BUT HE WILL NOT CALL, HE MY BOYFRIEND IS LOOKING TO LOSE ME, I WILL GET COMFORTABLE IN ANOTHER MANS ARMS AND CRAPO WILL SMOKE HIS PIPE , SO WOMAN I UNDERSTAND , I TRAT MINE LIKE ROYALTY BUT HE IS A DOGGGGGGG, A BIG SIZE 38 PANTS DOG, ALL MEN CAN GO TOHELL , WE JUST USE THEM AND KEEP ON MOVING , YES I SAID IT AND HE KNOW WHO HE IS.

  18. honey-fira
    February 22, 2010

    WHOSSSSSS bella give them people back there money..puss i doing a better JOB that than,whos

  19. john
    February 22, 2010

    i agree with steve.. u need more help than bella can offer if ur even thinking of not divorcing him. yeah u can forgive him but that doesn t mean u have to stay with him.

  20. February 22, 2010

    protection/restraining order is a joke these days. Those men does do their nonsense and then when you take action, that’s when they want to be stalking you like psycho.

    Having said that, that story mamzel write sounding like just that: A STORY.

  21. $uper$aver
    February 22, 2010

    @ CB CUZ i agee with you
    The man is abusing you in all ways as you claim you say you have anorder of protection against him so why a you even in the same place as he is to even see him with another woman. Lady you live in the united states where order of protection is taken very seriously so like cu cuz i think you a lying and needs attention.. According to you husband GO GET A JOB AND GET OFF THE COMPUTER..YEA GET THERAPY.and dont for get the saying about “the sheep that cry wolf” Stupes

  22. CB CUZ
    February 22, 2010

    Bella i thought you could see through this bull s+++. The lady is lying to you. First if she have an order of protection against his why is she is contact with him? I thought that an order of protection was to bar him from contacting of coming into contact with her? Secondly lady if you say you a in court with your husband for abuse why is it bothering you that he is seeing someone else and if you a in court as you claim i would think that devorce is iminent..Sweeety you a lying and this is just a made up story and for attention GO GET YOURSELF THERAPY I THINK THAT WHATS YOU NEED MORE THAN ANY OTHER ADVISE.
    I THINK THAT YOU A SICK AND I HOPE THAT EVERYBODY WHO READS THIS RIDICULOUS LETTER CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR LIES…SICK

  23. steve
    February 22, 2010

    You not serious!!!!!!! You filed a protective order against the man and now u asking bella for help. Woman go and find a man and hope this time you could stimulate him.

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