DEAR BELLA: Do I really know my husband?

Dear Bella,
You might have advice in regard to a situation quite complicated for me now.
My husband and I met a few years ago in Dominica. We spent little time together with his family as I had to travel. Nevertheless, I was back a few weeks later and we could then share much more time and learn about each other as we would live together for a few weeks. It was a bit complicated as I had to regularly travel back and forth but we managed the distance relationship as well as we could.
On my side, I would do all what it takes to be present and supportive and even where or when I couldn’t, I would still move mountains to make it possible for us to be together. I mean I did not hesitate to sacrifice almost everything to consider him as a priority to me. Having already a professional project in mind when I first came in Dominica I did involve him and we became associated in a small company based abroad.
We started to travel and to work together and he also met my family and my son. My wish was to invest and to build where his family owns land which is an old plantation, very fertile. I started to bring some materials from abroad and from Dominica for him to build our home to live together on a parcel of the family’s land his father allocated to him. Gradually, I did organize for us to have a substantial income to live in Dominica while I was maintaining abroad too. It was really tough but each time, he would travel with me I was feeling so happy to make it together. Meantime, I was conscious that the outside world could also somehow “corrupt” him so I did my utmost to share the best and spare the worse, if I may say it so. What I did not consider actually, was the corruption he did face and will face again in Dominica too. I did not know about the island before and was learning about it and it’s culture as I was learning about him and his family.
We finally built our home in Dominica after almost 2years, he was fishing with his brother and father and we also started to plant and to host travellers to help us to be as independent as possible. It was not always easy with the family but I must say I always trusted and could rely on his father’s words. In September 2017 we went through the hurricane but we lost everything we built. We stayed with his family in the village until we could rebuild a shelter for them, and just installed a little tent for us. After a while, it became so complicated to have access to whatever resources, I suggested that we both travel abroad to restart and being able to re-build and help the family meantime.
We first reached Guadeloupe where I could profit from a good network for both of us to work and have an income. After two months we travelled to Europe where I’m based already and where I know we could have the opportunity to both recover quickly and consequently re-build and support the family in Dominica. Again that was not easy but I had no doubt we would succeed and we did succeed in Europe.
We finally married a year after the hurricane, I could find an excellent job to provide for our needs, we could live together in Europe and I helped him to create his own company for him to work independently and to have an excellent income too. We were most probably ones of the luckiest people on earth but somehow, we were not really happy I believe.
Of course I love him since we met, but I also get tons of hurts due to his bad habits and addiction (search for porn and ******* on internet), due to his disengagement (he had to tell me: “I did not ask you for marriage, you did!”), due to his lies (tons of lies on everything and everyday), and due to his irresponsible behaviour towards his daughter with a former girlfriend (the daughter has no existence, is not registered, is soon 7 years old, and may have seen her father only 4 times since she is born.)
As soon as I knew his daughter was not registered, I immediately started to look for a solution and paid a lawyer for him to register her and make sure she at least get an existence, an ID, and support from him. The mother was not helpful at all, counterproductive actually and finally making any relationship between the daughter and the father impossible.
We then decided to organize our holidays in Dominica in order for him to start a procedure to register his daughter, also to spend time with his family, and as a surprise, I did invite one of his brothers to travel back with us abroad for a month. Nothing happened like it was planned but that, I’ve been used to with him and his family. The family never stayed with us but one day and night. They would expect that we also pay for a ride to pick them up and bring them back during all the holidays. My husband voluntary left behind the papers he needed for the procedure to register his daughter and did not even really try to see her. All he wanted really was to go fishing with his brother, which I had no problem with but then I was wondering ”what are we doing here exactly?”. After a week we decided to take the boat, with his brother as planned, to spend the rest of the holidays in the neighbourhood island where we had the flight back to Europe. We spent a nice week, even tho it was tough and sad the way things shifted.
We then reached our home in Europe and started back our respective work. Well, I went back to work to be exact, and my husband (having his foot cramping) stayed home with his brother. After 3 days I found out that he was actually again in his vibes of searching for porn and pussies on the internet, from the work phone he was supposed to organize his business. Instead, he cancelled all the work he had. That was not the first time, he admitted being addicted to porn and that kind of things, he also told me about tough things he went through as a youth with no family support and put all that on evil’s faults. He apologized thousands of times. He promised to stop, with my help, a thousand times too. But after years and thousands of apologies and thousands of promises to stop, it has been like the drop that makes the river overflows. I couldn’t take it anymore and just felt the anger taking over me. I told him this time it’s finished, I cannot bear it anymore, not after all we went through, not after we married, not after we finally settled and can help our family!
My deep thoughts, as you may guess, was more: “I want him to finish with that perversion and addiction and to focus on us and on what’s making us happy”. But it’s like I had no hope anymore that he could stop, nor I was convinced that he actually want to stop. I told him so many times already to rely on me and ask for my help, he could clearly see how much I was hurt and destroyed by this and yet he keeps on lying and doing nonsense, apologizing and being sorry.
His brother, who was at home with us, started to freak out and first justified his brother’s behaviors saying it’s normal in Dominica, everyone watch porn and search for ******* and even though it involves under 18 years youths, it’s normal; it’s Dominican’s vibes and culture, everybody does it and it’s no sickness!
I tried very hard to explain to them and especially to my husband why and how it’s nothing normal and acceptable. I asked them since both have a daughter and sisters, so what about their own daughters and sisters? Will they accept it for them too? The brother then just decided to end his holiday and to travel back to Dominica together with my husband accompanying.
My husband decided he also wanted to travel back to Dominica to bring back his brother safe, to take 2 months for him alone to think and to fix himself (as to him it was evil taking him and not his own behaviours (…)), to fix the situation with his daughter and register her, and to make enough money to travel back on his own. He clearly refused to stay and to fix our marriage and I felt like I have no choice but to organize for both to travel back and they went.
The first month my husband sent me a few text messages from his brother’s phone as he left without any word until he stopped all communication about 2 weeks ago. The last time I could talk to him was to hear him saying that he was going through…, that he saw his daughter and starts the process to register her but another way… his way…, and that he will be back by this time frame…
You may imagine how many times I’ve been thinking about the entire history of us, and how we reach there. Blaming myself first, blaming him, trying to find answers to all those questions that raises for many years now.
We are married and I don’t even know how to talk with my husband. I don’t even have a number where I can reach him directly and have to pray for the goodwill of his family to pass him the phone when I call them. Apart from his father, his family have no consideration nor respect for me, I’m just the “foreigner”. His sister could even call me “his white sponsor” which tells you everything you need to know about someone’s true colour. My husband would not call me, nor text me, kind of “silence punition [punishment]”. He maybe expects me to just wait patiently until he feels like to come back home. Meantime, he may never come back… maybe he actually cannot even consider it as his home, nor our home, but just my home. To me marriage is sacred but maybe it’s nothing to him. Lately, I’ve even been asking myself: “Do I actually really know my husband?”
As I said before, you may have advice or maybe just your point of view to share with me. I’m not expecting a solution, of course, I know that belong to us. Sometimes it’s just good to hear from someone who is completely outside of the story, and not involved in it at all.
Thank you, Bella
The Wife

 

The Wife,

You seem to be very intelligent, ambitious, loving and also very sensitive.
While what I am saying may sound cold, it might serve you better if your husband doesn’t come back to Europe.
Clearly, he isn’t on the same page with you where this marriage is concerned and he might actually be doing you a favour by staying in Dominica.
You see, this love thing is a two-way street and by your lengthy explanation, you have been clearly walking this road alone.
The Wife, you have probably been used and will still be used. You will hear from him soon when he runs out of funds or when he is stricken with hard times.
A man who doesn’t care for his children is worse than the devil himself. And these aren’t my words, they are words from the one responsible for our very existence
Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we look past so many faults in others and don’t feel bad for that. It means that your heart is kind and full of compassion.
However, when these faults continuously keep resurfacing with no hope of ever being addressed because of pride and wickedness, then wisdom needs to kick in.
You are still a married woman. You may want to consider blotting out the ink on the certificate.
There’s too much love in you, to have it wasted on a man who doesn’t know how to receive it.
Bella

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31 Comments

  1. Wife
    November 13, 2019

    Husband

    I leave this message for you here so I’m sure, unless DNO decides otherwise, that you get that one.

    You remember telling me once that my mission is to change people’s lives. I bet you I really changed yours, right? I wish it to be good.

    And do you remember what I answered you? If so, you will have to pass it on to someone else. I believe she is that someone. Change her life, be there for her and give her all that love, be responsible and take care of her, and of you.

    You do not want to see her on your screen, do you?

    Change her life, it’s your turn now, it’s your purpose in life, you know.

  2. Efficacious
    November 13, 2019

    First appearance. Man so beautiful and handsome because God made man to his own image and likeness. Some men use their hair to hide their faces, clean their noses, and clean behind their ears. So when you pick a man of that calibre you should know what to expect. Some men have a nice hair cut and always looking presentable nice young and fresh. Take your pick.

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      Really … 🤣😂😅 that one I did not expect!

      Fortunately, he would let me wash his hair and I certify that he never needed to hide his natural scent, unlike some. I think it’s related to what we eat. You should maybe double check your diet 😉 not only your hair cut.

  3. yes i
    November 12, 2019

    to be in a foreign country is like being in prison…he wants to be free in DA where he can go fishing etc, sounds like a terrible dad, and does not like the cold. the man wants to be on his island free away from racism and a bossy wife.

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      🤣😂😅… #?!#!?
      So, if being abroad is to be in prison, I wonder how you feel when you are on your land like a paperless..?

      Have you ever opened a world map?

      Terrible dad yes I agree👍🏼

      As fisherman, not bearing the cold, you joking? So what they do, work on their tan maybe? 🤣

      Far from Racism..? In Dominica? Let me hush 🤫

      I might be bossy for real when I care, but you can always tell me NO! 😁

  4. CJA
    November 12, 2019

    Lady you are what I think I should have had in my marriage..As it is always said Good women most of the time finds bad men vice versa. I always wonder why these women seem to go after these Bastards, users, guys pretending to be Rastas but Sheep in wolves clothing.I wonder if it’s the ganja and those Dirty Hair these women goes after..Lady there are so many ambitious,loving men who you can take anywhere without being ashamed and give you the genuine love and attention you need. Stop getting attracted to these bumbs.. And oh I am available..

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      Thank you. I take it as a compliment and what you say goes straight to my heart. We all ask ourselves the question. And no one has the answer. So we are told that opposites are attracting.

      Well, it looks like I’m free too, but I don’t feel available🤣 not yet!

  5. hmmmm
    November 12, 2019

    You are so right, The others are looking at the husband in the negative view. What about the husband’s thoughts. She was willing to do all these extra things to gain “likes”. There’s nothing wrong helping people, but too many times, the white females buy black men too much. Atleast he didnt curse her out, he decided to go back to his country for peace of mind. There is always two sides of the story people. Thats why she shouldnt rush her marriage, as he said, he didnt ask for marriage.

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      Yes, that’s true. His story is different cuz we are different and feel and see things differently. It was nothing extra, it’s actually called spontaneous behaviors in answer to empathy, you know the meaning? Suffering with. I’m glad you learn something new tonight 😉

      The other thing you should learn is that you cannot marry someone unless he is willing to marry you too. Especially when it’s between two different nationalities. It takes too long and it is far too fastidious for one to say NO but YES but NO…

      He is big man and he is smart you know, he might be lost but he is not a retarded.

  6. Blank
    November 12, 2019

    I betting my last dollar that man a rasta. It’s how the story always seems to go. I feel sorry for all the white women falling for these trash men , wasting time and money in the name of one sided love.

    And excuse me? In what Dominica is watching child pornography normal?? But where these tourists getting these kind of men nuh? For true

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      According to the definition of a Rastafari, I can attest that he is not one. And maybe a Rasta would have been happy, and me too, who knows…

      That is a good question!
      I had no idea, until I searched for and read publications explaining that porn, and all its derivatives, came to the Caribbean with the dancehall culture somewhere in the 89/90s. And since, girls only dance with their buttocks..!

  7. I said it!
    November 12, 2019

    For the sake of Grammar and the English language i choose to believe that English is not ‘The Wife’s’ first language. Best advice leave that man alone he isn’t worth it! Continue being a good Samaritan and help the deserving daughter in any way you can. There’s only 20% of good, reliable, manly men in Dominica, the rest are like your husband or far worst!

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      YES, indeed! Sorry again, I promise to improve my English!

      Ooh that’s a very delicate point you know in my situation, but I could do it anonymously actually.

      I saw her once only, but few times I could hear her talking to her dad on the phone. She is lovely, a bit shy but she is smart and curious too. And she is lonely…

  8. SMH
    November 12, 2019

    dear wife, it is not a normal think for men to be searching for ……. but people do look at porn. however, i do think that your husband is care free and really not bothered living a life in Europe..not all men would like too. i think he would prefer to stay on his island. i do think you love him, i suppose your’e white? which may not have much to do with many things…or maybe it does for him. it sounds like you may want to control him from a few things i read. but like most men in Dominica they don’t take care of their kids. hold strong forget him and give another good guy a chance. your husband is ungrateful

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      Thank you. I’m not so naive, just I’d rather not have that kind of people in my life, you know. It may well be that he has never felt “at home” in Europe, which I can really understand. I do not live in my homeland either. I feel comfortable and happy because it opens my mind, every day I learn things that I did not know and I love it. But we are not all the same. Now, if the color is a problem, I must say that it has never been mine. I was born in a land of fishermen and travelers, that is, a land of free men and freethinkers.

  9. Whistleblower
    November 12, 2019

    Just write a book for us OK, if you don’t feel up to it just want to let you know you married a mal papaye,

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      So long I’m thinking about writing a book 🤣 but not at all on him. I have much more to tell than a love story.

  10. November 12, 2019

    Wife I feel your pain you did all you can but it is time to let go you cannot bring a pig in a palace and change it to be any thing else
    it is time to let go the guy saw you as a bank and was using you
    please get out while you can there is a thing call divorce that might be you best and easy way out it might cause you to loose all you work hard for if you remain in this misery cut him loose best of luck to you

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      Thank you. At the end, I don’t lose nothing but illusions. Which is good, isn’t it?

  11. The wife
    November 12, 2019

    Thank you Bella
    I appreciate your point of view and advise. Wishing you an excellent week.
    Kind regards
    The wife

    ps: for those who comment about “dignity” I wish to say mine is intact, as far as I’m concerned I’ve been more than loyal.

    Regarding his own dignity, i sincerely doubt he has any, which is his personal concern only 😉

    • zandoli
      November 12, 2019

      Lady, It is time to move on. Relationships are a two way street and it has to be of mutual benefit to both parties. If only one party benefits, eventually resentment will set in and will result in the end of the relationship.
      But from reading your piece, it looks like you were pushing for a relationship more than the guy. You did not pay enough attention to the signals he was sending before you got married.
      I have been married for more than 30 years, and if any young person asks me for advice, I always tell them “do not ignore what may seem like insignificant signals”. On the surface it may appear to be insignificant, but it may be a window onto a person’s character. That is not to say one has to be paranoid, because no one is perfect. But you cannot keep making excuses for another person’s bad behaviour.

      • Corinne E Burgins
        November 12, 2019

        Hi Zandoli
        Endless amount of wisdom in this short paragraph, and it has touched the heart of many. You could not have said it better, I think probably you should have your own column.

      • The Wife
        November 13, 2019

        Yes, yes, signals… you are so right! I think I’ve seen a lot of them and somehow must have been afraid to take a risk for a change, you know… but then, changes led me to become the person I am today. I cannot be afraid.

    • Kalinago Justice
      November 12, 2019

      The wife; Bella gave you the best advice. It’s a shame and disgrace to have to let you know this about my Island and region, that Island and many other islands in what is called the Caribbean, most men are vagabonds and bastards! Rapists, pedophiles are some of their traits! They’ve got no respect for women and children! Had he stayed in Europe,he probably would end up in jail for some long years, and this is what he was probably afraid of as the laws, People and society there would not tolerate his nastiness! Forget about him and wish him happy riddance!!!

      • The Wife
        November 13, 2019

        In terms of perversion I think no one is spared, but we are all endowed with free will. I was hoping that the choice was as simple on his side as on mine. I still believe I’m not alone 😁 it cannot be!

  12. November 12, 2019

    This relationship was doomed from the start. It seems like you were putting in 1000% to make the relationship work, while your mate and later husband was contributing very little. He may have seen you as a Human ATM, and felt that you should support him. If he is consumed by under age porn, he may have pedophilla tendencies. Count and cut your losses; cut that achor and sail on to happiness.

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      You get my point! That’s exactly what did trigger my rage and my words to him. The risk that it might be a tendency for real!

      It feels good when you are “overstood” 😉

  13. Unbelievable
    November 12, 2019

    I think I should start with the good. It seems that you are a wonderful, generous, loving person. However, it seems that you either put yourself in situations to be used or you just let people use you knowing full well that’s what they’re doing. From the start of your letter to the end, it’s I, I, I, and I. You were the one from the get-go who decided to do this and that, and plan this and that. It seems like the soon-to-be husband/new husband was never involved. Who gets married so soon after meeting someone? Up to this day, you have no idea who this man is. Were you just desperate to be married? After seven years, neither he nor his baby mama saw it fitting to register the child, so you took it upon yourself to do that? You found it was your responsibility to take care of ALL his family? Were you just trying to ‘buy’ them, to make sure that they liked you? If the sister is referring to you as his “white sponsor” its because that’s what you are. By the way, your English is…

    • The wife
      November 13, 2019

      Indeed, my grammar is far from being perfect, sorry for that it’s not my native language either. But the good point is that now, I’ve plenty free time and native speakers around to improve 😉

  14. Danziger
    November 12, 2019

    Lady, forget him this man is a sucker in other words a taker. Becareful next time courage to move on cuz they all out for PROFIT.

    • The Wife
      November 13, 2019

      Thank you, surely I will be more careful, and I will also be careful not to resent men, just because of one. I really do not think we are all the same, regardless of gender.

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