You might have advice in regard to a situation quite complicated for me now.
My husband and I met a few years ago in Dominica. We spent little time together with his family as I had to travel. Nevertheless, I was back a few weeks later and we could then share much more time and learn about each other as we would live together for a few weeks. It was a bit complicated as I had to regularly travel back and forth but we managed the distance relationship as well as we could.
On my side, I would do all what it takes to be present and supportive and even where or when I couldn’t, I would still move mountains to make it possible for us to be together. I mean I did not hesitate to sacrifice almost everything to consider him as a priority to me. Having already a professional project in mind when I first came in Dominica I did involve him and we became associated in a small company based abroad.
We started to travel and to work together and he also met my family and my son. My wish was to invest and to build where his family owns land which is an old plantation, very fertile. I started to bring some materials from abroad and from Dominica for him to build our home to live together on a parcel of the family’s land his father allocated to him. Gradually, I did organize for us to have a substantial income to live in Dominica while I was maintaining abroad too. It was really tough but each time, he would travel with me I was feeling so happy to make it together. Meantime, I was conscious that the outside world could also somehow “corrupt” him so I did my utmost to share the best and spare the worse, if I may say it so. What I did not consider actually, was the corruption he did face and will face again in Dominica too. I did not know about the island before and was learning about it and it’s culture as I was learning about him and his family.
We finally built our home in Dominica after almost 2years, he was fishing with his brother and father and we also started to plant and to host travellers to help us to be as independent as possible. It was not always easy with the family but I must say I always trusted and could rely on his father’s words. In September 2017 we went through the hurricane but we lost everything we built. We stayed with his family in the village until we could rebuild a shelter for them, and just installed a little tent for us. After a while, it became so complicated to have access to whatever resources, I suggested that we both travel abroad to restart and being able to re-build and help the family meantime.
We first reached Guadeloupe where I could profit from a good network for both of us to work and have an income. After two months we travelled to Europe where I’m based already and where I know we could have the opportunity to both recover quickly and consequently re-build and support the family in Dominica. Again that was not easy but I had no doubt we would succeed and we did succeed in Europe.
We finally married a year after the hurricane, I could find an excellent job to provide for our needs, we could live together in Europe and I helped him to create his own company for him to work independently and to have an excellent income too. We were most probably ones of the luckiest people on earth but somehow, we were not really happy I believe.
Of course I love him since we met, but I also get tons of hurts due to his bad habits and addiction (search for porn and ******* on internet), due to his disengagement (he had to tell me: “I did not ask you for marriage, you did!”), due to his lies (tons of lies on everything and everyday), and due to his irresponsible behaviour towards his daughter with a former girlfriend (the daughter has no existence, is not registered, is soon 7 years old, and may have seen her father only 4 times since she is born.)
As soon as I knew his daughter was not registered, I immediately started to look for a solution and paid a lawyer for him to register her and make sure she at least get an existence, an ID, and support from him. The mother was not helpful at all, counterproductive actually and finally making any relationship between the daughter and the father impossible.
We then decided to organize our holidays in Dominica in order for him to start a procedure to register his daughter, also to spend time with his family, and as a surprise, I did invite one of his brothers to travel back with us abroad for a month. Nothing happened like it was planned but that, I’ve been used to with him and his family. The family never stayed with us but one day and night. They would expect that we also pay for a ride to pick them up and bring them back during all the holidays. My husband voluntary left behind the papers he needed for the procedure to register his daughter and did not even really try to see her. All he wanted really was to go fishing with his brother, which I had no problem with but then I was wondering ”what are we doing here exactly?”. After a week we decided to take the boat, with his brother as planned, to spend the rest of the holidays in the neighbourhood island where we had the flight back to Europe. We spent a nice week, even tho it was tough and sad the way things shifted.
We then reached our home in Europe and started back our respective work. Well, I went back to work to be exact, and my husband (having his foot cramping) stayed home with his brother. After 3 days I found out that he was actually again in his vibes of searching for porn and pussies on the internet, from the work phone he was supposed to organize his business. Instead, he cancelled all the work he had. That was not the first time, he admitted being addicted to porn and that kind of things, he also told me about tough things he went through as a youth with no family support and put all that on evil’s faults. He apologized thousands of times. He promised to stop, with my help, a thousand times too. But after years and thousands of apologies and thousands of promises to stop, it has been like the drop that makes the river overflows. I couldn’t take it anymore and just felt the anger taking over me. I told him this time it’s finished, I cannot bear it anymore, not after all we went through, not after we married, not after we finally settled and can help our family!
My deep thoughts, as you may guess, was more: “I want him to finish with that perversion and addiction and to focus on us and on what’s making us happy”. But it’s like I had no hope anymore that he could stop, nor I was convinced that he actually want to stop. I told him so many times already to rely on me and ask for my help, he could clearly see how much I was hurt and destroyed by this and yet he keeps on lying and doing nonsense, apologizing and being sorry.
His brother, who was at home with us, started to freak out and first justified his brother’s behaviors saying it’s normal in Dominica, everyone watch porn and search for ******* and even though it involves under 18 years youths, it’s normal; it’s Dominican’s vibes and culture, everybody does it and it’s no sickness!
I tried very hard to explain to them and especially to my husband why and how it’s nothing normal and acceptable. I asked them since both have a daughter and sisters, so what about their own daughters and sisters? Will they accept it for them too? The brother then just decided to end his holiday and to travel back to Dominica together with my husband accompanying.
My husband decided he also wanted to travel back to Dominica to bring back his brother safe, to take 2 months for him alone to think and to fix himself (as to him it was evil taking him and not his own behaviours (…)), to fix the situation with his daughter and register her, and to make enough money to travel back on his own. He clearly refused to stay and to fix our marriage and I felt like I have no choice but to organize for both to travel back and they went.
The first month my husband sent me a few text messages from his brother’s phone as he left without any word until he stopped all communication about 2 weeks ago. The last time I could talk to him was to hear him saying that he was going through…, that he saw his daughter and starts the process to register her but another way… his way…, and that he will be back by this time frame…
You may imagine how many times I’ve been thinking about the entire history of us, and how we reach there. Blaming myself first, blaming him, trying to find answers to all those questions that raises for many years now.
We are married and I don’t even know how to talk with my husband. I don’t even have a number where I can reach him directly and have to pray for the goodwill of his family to pass him the phone when I call them. Apart from his father, his family have no consideration nor respect for me, I’m just the “foreigner”. His sister could even call me “his white sponsor” which tells you everything you need to know about someone’s true colour. My husband would not call me, nor text me, kind of “silence punition [punishment]”. He maybe expects me to just wait patiently until he feels like to come back home. Meantime, he may never come back… maybe he actually cannot even consider it as his home, nor our home, but just my home. To me marriage is sacred but maybe it’s nothing to him. Lately, I’ve even been asking myself: “Do I actually really know my husband?”
As I said before, you may have advice or maybe just your point of view to share with me. I’m not expecting a solution, of course, I know that belong to us. Sometimes it’s just good to hear from someone who is completely outside of the story, and not involved in it at all.
Thank you, Bella
You seem to be very intelligent, ambitious, loving and also very sensitive.
While what I am saying may sound cold, it might serve you better if your husband doesn’t come back to Europe.
Clearly, he isn’t on the same page with you where this marriage is concerned and he might actually be doing you a favour by staying in Dominica.
You see, this love thing is a two-way street and by your lengthy explanation, you have been clearly walking this road alone.
The Wife, you have probably been used and will still be used. You will hear from him soon when he runs out of funds or when he is stricken with hard times.
A man who doesn’t care for his children is worse than the devil himself. And these aren’t my words, they are words from the one responsible for our very existence
Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we look past so many faults in others and don’t feel bad for that. It means that your heart is kind and full of compassion.
However, when these faults continuously keep resurfacing with no hope of ever being addressed because of pride and wickedness, then wisdom needs to kick in.
You are still a married woman. You may want to consider blotting out the ink on the certificate.
There’s too much love in you, to have it wasted on a man who doesn’t know how to receive it.