Dear Bella,
I have been in an almost two year relationship with my boyfriend and I am now pregnant by him. Recently, on Mother’s Day we got into an argument. We were walking and we passed the significant other of a woman who I know that he had some form of interference with before our relationship. He intimidated me and made me feel that I could not go talk to this man (who I knew before him). I went ahead and talked to the gentleman and he thought that I told him about the affair that he knew that I knew about. (I did not but just wanted to prove a point). As a result he did not tell me Happy mother’s day because he felt that I was wrong for going to talk to the boyfriend and he told that I had exposed him and that he would be in trouble with the gentleman. We got into this huge argument on Mother’s day where he held me under my neck, sent a plate of food that I made for myself outside and walked up to me with spray baygon as if to spray me with it.
We both have children that we made before being together. My issue with him is the way he talks to my child. He generally has a big voice but I constantly feel like he is too rough with my little person who is 4 years old.. The funny thing is he is much calmer with his when his son who is 8 when he is around. I’m not sure if its because he does not really spend time with his son – because his son lives with his mother and my child is with us constantly as we stay together., It has reached to the point where I do not want my child to have any conversation with him or be around him without my supervision as I am afraid that my child might do, or not do, or say something that will result in her getting scolded by him.
At times, I feel like I should end our relationship because ALL my family members have expressed dislike for him mainly because of his attitude towards my child. I did not see it until they recently brought it up to me. It has even gotten to a point where my mom has openly told me to end things with him.
Apart from all of this, I have other personal issues with him in terms of finances. He doesn’t give me any money. I am not saying that I am expecting him to give me money as if he is a bank, (and its not like I need his money because I work and have a good paying job that takes care of me and my child) but all my life I know that at the end of the month a man is supposed to give his significant other some form of money to do things for herself.
With him he does not do that. We pay all bills half – half and that’s it! Any thing the house needs in terms on furniture, kitchen stuff etc. I pay for them. The furniture that we have I am the one who paid for them or is still currently paying for him with no assistance from him. He claims that he is in a financial situation as he has loans to pay off and I need to have patience. It is going on 3 years now that I have been with him and too me I am wasting my time when I could be doing things differently for myself and my child (any maybe with someone else.)
I have thought endlessly about ending the relationship but I do not want to raise my unborn child by myself and I do not want to leave the home that we built together because my finances would not be able to cover the additional expense of running an entire home by myself especially with the bills that I have accumulated throughout our relationship for the home that we built together that are on my name only.
I don’t want to talk to my mom about it because she has already told me to end the relationship even before I was pregnant and I am an introvert so don’t have friends that I feel comfortable with sharing this personal information with.
Any advice?
Hello Dear,
Thank you for taking time to write to us. Your situation is indeed a serious one and you should never ignore red flags.
Irrespective of what society may want us to think especially in these modern days, if a man loves you he will not beat or choke you. That’s the bottom line.
Secondly, he will love your children and to live in fear that he may ill-treat your child is another “ditch” sign.
It means if you remain in this relationship you will not be at peace.
Staying with someone just because we have financial ties or because we are pregnant is a major mistake that many women make.
Notice how children never change people? A person’s ability to change depends on them and not necessarily the factors you mentioned.
Now having said that, I know parents aren’t always right but in this case your mother is correct when she advised you to get out of this relationship.
I know with a child on the way, it may seem hard but it could be much harder in the long run to remain under such circumstances.
Decisions are always left to those involved. This is but only an advice.
Based on what you have said, this boyfriend of yours has violent tendencies so you may want to seek help from perhaps family members or even the authorities, if you decide to leave him and he becomes angry.
However, if you decide to bite the bullet and remain in your situation, it’s really up to you.
Bella
You’re dealing with an ignorant man. Move on, make him pay support for his child. My advice to you is also read more books, not the fantasy romantic ones but real books about things new to you, why do I say that, its your grammar, reading will improve your writting and speech as it did for me.
Both of you have imperiled your relationship with potentially destructive and game changing behavior. From deceit to abusive actions, your relationship has been shaken to the core.
Your trust in each other has definitely been cracked and possibly permanently damaged. The act of him putting his hands on you is a huge red flag and a very important concern to consider.
Though it is good seek advice and help, you will have to make the tough decision of staying or jetting. A two-parent household maybe the desirable ideal; however, peace of mind, a good measure of happiness, respect and safety are of paramount importance in every relationship.
Sorry darling there is no point in trying to burn your candle 🕯 at both ends. You either make a move or stay but my advice to you if you aren’t happy with your man or marriage get out of it before it’s too late and look for the light at the end of the tunnel, one more thing no one should never allow man /woman to dominate your life that could be hell, Good luck.
I’m 100% sure you knew what kind of man he was before you meet him and before he got you pregnant. You were owing on the furniture before the child, he never helped out financially…before the child, and im pretty sure he was abusive when? before the child. So why now that a child is in play you think he gonna go by courts and help pay and not rough you up?
Your own mother told you to leave him and you didnt. You looking for people to talk to and “share” with is pointless. You don’t want a change, all you want is people to talk about it with. Cause if you talk to 5 of yours friends and all 5 tell you “leave Mr” you’re not gonna do it. So…basically you just want people to waste their time listening to you, but you don’t want advise.
You for real?? Judgmental much?
Never play house with men unless you are married sorry for you good luck God will provide
I agree here are some red flags, but at the same time you shouldn’t be digging in the mans business like that with his previous affair that was nothing to do with you. I also find you shouldn’t be trying to sponge money off the man, you make your own and he is paying his way. He might be looking to leave you….
Boy woman does do themselves ting wii
i sure mr have bike or selling drugs, thats all dem stupid woman does see.