DEAR BELLA: My ex-boyfriend won’t leave me alone

Dear Bella,

I am in a toxic relationship and I don’t know how to get out of it. Many people look at my “relationship” and think that I am stupid because of all that I went through with this man but I am still there.

We lived together for 3 years.  After I caught him cheating and being fed up of the constant physical, verbal and emotional abuse, I decided to move out on my own.

However, after doing so, the abuse still went on. He went on to live with his new girlfriend but he keeps coming after me.

He would show up at my home without notice to spy on me and make his friends, family and new girlfriend believe that he is just coming to see his child which is not the case.

He claims that I am still his woman and if I deny him sex he will say it’s because I have someone else. More I try to get rid of him, he won’t go away and when I try to reach out to his girlfriend to tell her what’s going on, he would make her block me and believe that I’m just a jealous ex.

Bella I have gotten to the point where I am so stressed that I let myself go and I keep myself untidy and do everything he don’t like, thinking that he will stop coming after me but he still won’t leave me alone.

If I dress up looking nice or I take care of myself, he feels intimidated and thinks I’m seeing someone or other men may get attracted to me and he gets angry.

He keeps [hangs] around so men think that we are in a “relationship” but he is really living with someone else and he makes her and his family think that it’s over between us and he doesn’t want to be with me.

He never helps me with anything but if I ask someone else to help me he gets angry. I’m really fed up of this and I’ve gotten to the point where I just gave up on life and need to get rid of Mr. Toxic but still allow him a relationship with his child.

I’ve tried to get a restraining order but he got his entire family, including his girlfriend, to attack me by feeding them with lies thinking I’m trying to keep him away from his child which I won’t ever do.

He uses our child as his ticket to access me and claims that his aggressive behavior towards me is because of him.

I was so happy when he found a new girlfriend because I thought finally, I would be free but Bella nothing seems to work.

Please help.

 

Fedup!

 


 

Hello Fedup,

It seems to me that you don’t really want this man to leave you alone.

You have indicated several things to make me believe that you are still very close to this man.

How does he know to be angry when someone else gives you help? How does he know you got help from someone? And how do you know he is angry?

Read what you wrote. Sllooowwlly… “If I dress up looking nice or I take care of myself he feels intimidated and thinks I’m seeing someone or other men may get attracted to me and he gets angry. won’t ”

You obviously don’t want this man to leave you alone. If you want someone to leave you alone, they will.

Make up your mind what you want and then move towards it. You cannot be playing dolly house with this ex-lover and expects him to leave you alone when you want.

He obviously wants to have his relationship and keep something on the side with you.

I believe that’s your issue. You want it to be just you. You decide. It’s your life.

But accept responsibility for the current situation because a man cannot think he has the authority to be so in touch with a woman if they aren’t giving him a reason to.

 

Bella 

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22 Comments

  1. Bee
    June 3, 2020

    Bella is right. She loves the attention. She is dealing with a narcissist.

  2. Abutting
    June 3, 2020

    I agree with Bella 100%. He is abusive, and does not take care of his responsibility yet you’re worried about how his girlfriend and her family views you? You not even worried about how the child sees you? Talking about you don’t know how to get rid of him. smh. I guess when you ready you will get rid of him.
    We need to stop making excuses for these women who just refuse to take help and advice. YOU are the only person who can get YOU out of that situation if you truly want OUT. I am sorry you’re going through that. Stop stalling and move on for your child’s sake. The earlier, the better.

  3. Dynamic Dominica
    June 3, 2020

    All men need to stay away from woman with children, they’re somebody else property now and will be in their life FOREVER. Leave that headache for somebody else and save your Euro boss

  4. Frank N Stein
    June 2, 2020

    Bella not easy. Some of what Bella said it true tho! Why do you care if he gets vex or not? You sound like you dont want him to get vex so instead of moving on with your life you stop dressing. So you stop dressing for other guys to stay away from you? It seem so because you admit that he is happy when you not dressy and sexy.
    You sound too eager to please that man and this is why Bella flew off the handle. Anyway make up your mind and get a lawyer or some legal representation and advice or you will end up as a statistic.

  5. A Girl is No One
    June 2, 2020

    Dang Bella. Ouch! That was harsh

  6. Fummy
    June 2, 2020

    But bella you not easy… :lol: :lol: :lol:

  7. Da girl
    June 2, 2020

    Bella were you hacked or something?? Or are you somehow affiliated with the man and his family, are you that new girlfriend perhaps??? You sound very spiteful and it’s disgusting. I think you need a vacation.

    Young lady, you need to do something before this gets worse, for your sake and that of your child. Get a lawyer, sue him for harassment, something. This man sounds like a psycho.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0
    • Dynamic Dominica
      June 3, 2020

      Allu woman like to open allu legs for koshone over and over again, and when people leave allu in allu bowdelle is us that disgusting? ok :roll: :roll:

  8. SherDel
    June 1, 2020

    If they think and believe you’re lying install a hidden camera in your home. That way it’ll record all what’s happening

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0
  9. budman
    June 1, 2020

    bella. you dropped the ball big time. you were victim blaming. she has already faced emotional and psychological abuse and your dismissive nature was a huge turn off. Bella its clear that you too have suffered under this patriarchal society and you think that you are free.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2
  10. Bwa-Banday
    June 1, 2020

    Girl you doh ready yet!
    Clean up, make a date with a man and make sure he see you leave. Or make it easier for you, dress real sexy, bachay a bus and go spend the weekend with a friend somewhere in the country a couple times and let him get foo. I know you have friends. But I still believe you well there sleeping with the man in sigway and not telling us the whole story.

    Another thing is take him to court for maintenance and at the same time put a legal restraining order on him where he can only visit on certain days and time. Make the time high day so he leave before night fall and make sure your bag pack, dress sexy and pretend you leaving as soon as he go.

    Girl play yourself tan if you serious! Once he knows a plumber laying nuff pipe in the trench he once called home he will start back backing but you have to be serious.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0
  11. Kinip
    June 1, 2020

    Terrible advice. Absolutely terrible.
    This poor girl needs protection not blame. There was some great advice above, please take it serious, GET a restraining order, or of thats not possible, let him visit your child OUTSIDE of your house, leave baby with mum and let him visit the child there. You have to let him know you are SERIOUS, perhaps even ‘make up’ a new lover who you have to go and see whenever he tries to come to your place.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0
  12. Maybe
    June 1, 2020

    Take him to court for child support and stalking if you feel he is taking advantage so he will leave you alone

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0
  13. Blank
    June 1, 2020

    I don’t know why you would see keeping your child in contact with an abuser as a good thing.

    A man who cheats, stalks, controls, beats and pressures for sex (dare I say rape) is someone who want to have an influence over your child?
    I really hope that child is not a girl.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1
  14. zandoli
    June 1, 2020

    So Bella, when a controlling man kills his wife or girlfriend, do you turn around and blame the woman?

    Lady, instead of writing to Bella saying you “tried” to get a restraining order, you should be talking to a lawyer and GET a restraining order. You have to let this man know you are serious about being left alone. Stop talking to his girlfriend and all these other people. Take control or your life.

    If you were my sister, I would have paid for you to see a lawyer.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 1
  15. Kermit
    June 1, 2020

    Bella I glad you pick up she lying. All you baby mommas have too much in all you, that is the man really doing that. Sometimes children mothers are delusional.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 12
  16. Kermit
    June 1, 2020

    Bella I glad you pick up she lying. All you baby mommas have too much in all you, that is the man really doing that. All you already so delusional.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 1 Thumb down 7
  17. Smh
    June 1, 2020

    Nonsense answer….now it’s her fault he wont leave her alone,? Wow..

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2
  18. Magway ca
    June 1, 2020

    There is a situation similar to this in the kalinago territory where a police officer is doing the same thing to his ex. Using the child to get to the young girl and intimidating her. He barely supports the child. His gf is always spreading rumours about the young lady even going as far as saying she has aids. The girl has changed her number numerous times but he keeps giving the girls new number to his current gf so she can harras the young lady. continuously. This has got to stop. It only tends to stop when the young women snap and defend themselves violently. The law barely supports women in dca. The police will look after there own. Or only step in when things have gone to far.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1
    • Dynamic Dominica
      June 3, 2020

      This usually happens to every woman who open they legs for bad man, they bring nothing but problems for themselves and they family’s…. I know women that gotten their brothers killed because they try and protect their sister’s from their MAN.

  19. Jay
    June 1, 2020

    What a load of rubbish this advice is! This man is an abuser plain and simple! He is harassing this woman and frightening her. Didn’t you read he physically hurts her?. This man needs reporting and should get a visit from the police. NOW!!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 1
  20. June 1, 2020

    Ummmno

    This woman is experiencing emotional warfare. My grandparents do the same thing. My grandpa accuses my grandmother of cheating, knowing full well he was the one sleeping with other women IN THEIR BED.

    I’m disappointed that you’d victim blame this woman who’s obviously looking for validation and support because of stressful, and abusive situation.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 2

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