![\"Dear](\"http:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/new-dear-bella.png\")
I know that many people are going to judge me but one never knows what a situation feels like unless you experience it.<\/p>\nI know that many people are going to judge me but one never knows what a situation feels like unless you experience it.<\/p>\n
I am a mature Christian woman in my mid forties who has been married for over twenty years. I know this sounds good but the truth is I have never experienced true marital bliss over all these years.<\/p>\n
I have practically lived like a single woman ( except for sex), providing and taking care of myself. I have never been physically abused but the emotional abuse I have suffered can be considered far worse.<\/p>\n
Almost 9 years ago I met someone\u00a0 who actually filled the\u00a0 emotional void in my life. We are both married so we chose to keep our relationship mutual.<\/p>\n
However, we both lack the same things in our marriages, so over the years our relationship has grown to an inseparable one. There is trust, respect, love, support and a genuine friendship between us and we both think it’s unfair to continue living unhappily with our spouses.<\/p>\n
The hardest part of it is that we are both Christians, highly esteemed and well respected in our church therefore I personally believe that many people would be disappointing by our actions.<\/p>\n
So\u00a0 Bella, my problem is that\u00a0 I am living an unhappy life in order to make others happy. My friend’s marriage is worse than mine since he and his wife do not actually live together. He is waiting on me to make the decision to move out but it is really hard. I no longer love my husband as a wife should but I still try to hold on.<\/p>\n
I know that my heart belongs to my friend and even if I have begged him\u00a0 to move on with his life\u00a0 since his efforts to be with his wife have failed, he feels that he can’t be with anyone else\u00a0 except me. I love him but this is too complicated.<\/p>\n
How can I resolve this complication?<\/p>\n
Unhappy Christian woman<\/strong><\/p>\n ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………<\/p>\n Dear Unhappy Christian Woman,<\/p>\n First of all, I want you to understand that you should not rely on circumstances\/ people to make you happy.\u00a0 These change all the time and the changes may not always be beneficial to us.\u00a0 It is good to find something that makes you happy…something not dependent on anyone (a sport, a hobby), that way regardless what is going on, you can mention a level of happiness\/ good humor.<\/p>\n Your problem largely stems from your religious dependence.\u00a0 In short, you are having a spiritual problem.\u00a0 You value your faith system and this should form a large part in the decision you make.\u00a0 My answer to you may seem strange, but if you go contrary to what you believe, you will find yourself in an even unhappier situation because you would have violated your belief.\u00a0 Our beliefs eventually become part of who we are; a morsel of our being.<\/p>\n Your marriage has been characterized by abuse and many people tend to downplay emotional and psychological abuse, but these cut much deeper than physical abuse.\u00a0 Additionally, you and your spouse do not have a relationship.\u00a0 Divorce is the absence of relationship.\u00a0 Hence, mentally and emotionally, you and your husband are already divorced.\u00a0 This may be saddened if you have young children in your relationship because any physical separation from their comfort zone will prove destabilizing.<\/p>\n Besides your Christian beliefs to tough it out and pray that it gets better, you are also staying in this relationship for the sake of people.\u00a0 My dear, we all have skeletons in our closets and that is why we cannot live our lives in the shadow of what others may think of us.\u00a0 Human’s frail opinions change from day to day based on what they themselves are going through.\u00a0 This relationship is killing you emotionally and you need to liberate yourself in order that whatever else you are trying to impact can feel the advantages of a free, happy woman.<\/p>\n My advise to you: give your husband some physical space.\u00a0 He needs some growing up space.\u00a0 Any man abusing a woman is a little boy and he needs to understand that you are not dependent on him for your existence.\u00a0 I would not advise you to seek a bill of divorcement.\u00a0 During the separation, do not feed on the hurt that he has done.\u00a0 He will continue to try to hurt you then also.\u00a0 Focus on the good times you all had together- the time spent building a family and building a home-.\u00a0 Please do not use that time to start something new and exciting with your friend.\u00a0 You need some time to just think about you and where you have come.\u00a0 Twenty years in a marriage has changed you alot and you need to relearn yourself and adjust what you do not like.\u00a0 All in all, you will know where you need to be once you have spent time with yourself, doing things that you like.\u00a0 The next relationship that you will be having with a man (whether your husband or someone else), take control to make sure that you are a complete, confident woman.\u00a0 I am sure that during this time you will make time for prayer and fast and seek the Lord’s counsel as to where to go with decision.<\/p>\n I wish the best for you.<\/p>\n Bella<\/strong><\/p>\n Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at dominicanewsonline@gmail.com. Dear Bella is published on Tuesdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company\u2019s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I know that many people are going to judge me but one never knows what a situation feels like unless you experience it. I am a mature Christian woman in my mid forties who has been married for over twenty…","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":55632,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cbd_carousel_blocks":"[]","footnotes":""},"categories":[26],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-103082","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dear-bella"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n