{"id":178156,"date":"2017-02-10T11:05:50","date_gmt":"2017-02-10T15:05:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/?p=178156"},"modified":"2017-02-10T12:38:28","modified_gmt":"2017-02-10T16:38:28","slug":"the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/homepage\/features\/commentary\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\/","title":{"rendered":"THE KSCHRONICLES: Boys don\u2019t cry"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure id=\"attachment_176666\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-176666\" style=\"width: 642px\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-large wp-image-176666\" src=\"http:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Kerdisha-St.-Louis-642x536.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"642\" height=\"536\" srcset=\"https:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Kerdisha-St.-Louis-642x536.jpg 642w, https:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Kerdisha-St.-Louis-300x250.jpg 300w, https:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Kerdisha-St.-Louis-768x641.jpg 768w, https:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Kerdisha-St.-Louis.jpg 960w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 642px) 100vw, 642px\" \/><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-176666\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Kerdisha St. Louis<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>Not too long ago while traversing through the capital city I happened to observe a young boy and his mother. The young rambunctious boy was happily playing running up and down the street. Suddenly he lost his footing and proceeded to fall (knees first) to the ground.<\/p>\n<p>From my angle I could see that the injury was not too bad but definitely one that startled him causing him to cry. He ran to his mother hands up seeking solace but startlingly the mother offered none, briskly rubbing his knees, wiping his face and telling him that he was \u2018fine\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>The young boy, who looked used to the rebuffs, walked away slowly and attempted to continue playing but I could see he was hurt.<\/p>\n<p>This incident while not uncommon hurt me. Why do we as a society (especially within the Caribbean community) feel like it\u2019s not ok for men to show emotion?<\/p>\n<p>From an early age fathers and mothers pull their sons aside and tell them to be two-faced: a private face to have outside of the public eye, and a public face that shows no weakness.<\/p>\n<p>Do &#8220;Big boys don&#8217;t cry&#8221; and &#8220;Take it like a man&#8221; sound familiar?<\/p>\n<p>It seems that one of the Ten Commandments of masculinity is \u201cThou shall not feel.\u201d This kind of mind-heart disconnect begins when boys are in the early years of school. You\u2019ll see preschool and first-grade boys bringing items from home to comfort them amid their fear of the social demands of school. They\u2019ll even hold hands and put their arms around other boys and girls to show affection and express joy. By second grade, male indoctrination begins. Boys are deemed unmasculine if they show fear, pain or heaven forbid the most taboo expression of all: crying.<\/p>\n<p>For girls, that shift never really happens. Girls have the license to continue a full range of emotional expressions that is, except for one: anger. Girls get angry, of course, but it is taboo for them to express it. It is not feminine to get or express anger.<\/p>\n<p>Ironically, anger is one of the few acceptable emotions sanctioned for boys to publicly express. So the question becomes, where do all these feelings go if boys aren\u2019t regularly allowed to express them? If it\u2019s not safe to tell mom and dad, or teacher and friend how you feel, what\u2019s a boy to do?<\/p>\n<p>There are several options for a boy to choose how he expresses his feelings growing up however most boys choose roads of either passivity or aggression.<\/p>\n<p>When a boy chooses to abide closely to the male gender role, to restrict his emotions and focus on toughness and aggression, something negative begins to happen to this male\u2019s emotional development. The male psyche does not then know how to handle emotions at all\u2014his or anyone else\u2019s. So the man becomes emotionally stunted, angry, and apathetic.<\/p>\n<p>This is the guy who shuts down when his partner expresses anger or frustration. It\u2019s the guy who doesn\u2019t know how to deal with something sad so he turns to alcohol, sex, or Netflix. Or it\u2019s the guy who lashes out in anger when criticized or confronted because he doesn\u2019t know another way to handle the feelings of guilt, shame or embarrassment. We all probably know this guy and we have the strict male gender role and our collective upholding of it to thank..<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBoys will be boys\u201d is something we might say in response. Another form of escape for older boys is pornography and various forms of sex addiction. These are often places where a boy expresses how he feels, and it feels safe because a computer screen demands nothing from you, nor do hook-ups or one-night stands.<\/p>\n<p>When a boy learns that expression of feelings is not safe for him, he can become a boy who one day enters into dating or even marriage without knowing how to communicate in healthy ways.<\/p>\n<p>So how we communicate to boys about their feelings is not just an issue for that boy today, it is an issue for that boy later in life, potentially affecting his future relationships and endeavors.<\/p>\n<p>Parents can begin by modeling the expression of their own feelings in a healthy way. In this practice, you aren\u2019t asking anything of the boy, you are simply just modeling the healthy expression of feelings and what those feelings often lead you to do.<\/p>\n<p>Second, create a safe place for a boy to express how he feels. This means communicating in some way that he can always come talk to you about anything. And that if he does, he knows he won\u2019t be turned away, criticized, or made fun of. He won\u2019t be told, \u201cGrow up. Stop crying. Be a man!\u201d<br \/>\nCreating a safe place takes time, and he may not take advantage of it for years to come.<\/p>\n<p>Third, help a boy develop a vocabulary for how he feels by putting a variety of feeling words in his mouth and see which one he identifies with. The older the boy, the more versatile their vocabulary.<\/p>\n<p>If you liked what you read, you can find more <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thekschronicles.com\/\"><strong>HERE<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p><strong>TheKSChronicles are the observations and insight of blogger and journalist Kerdisha St.Louis. Each article seeks to invoke a reaction and\/or introspection from readers in Dominica and the Diaspora on various thought provoking issues and topics.&nbsp;The column is published every <span class=\"aBn\" tabindex=\"0\" data-term=\"goog_541604724\"><span class=\"aQJ\">Friday<\/span><\/span>.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Not too long ago while traversing through the capital city I happened to observe a young boy and his mother. The young rambunctious boy was happily playing running up and down the street. Suddenly he lost his footing and proceeded&#8230;","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":176666,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cbd_carousel_blocks":"[]","footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-178156","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commentary"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>THE KSCHRONICLES: Boys don\u2019t cry - Dominica News Online<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/homepage\/features\/commentary\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"THE KSCHRONICLES: Boys don\u2019t cry - Dominica News Online\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Not too long ago while traversing through the capital city I happened to observe a young boy and his mother. 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Suddenly he lost his footing and proceeded...\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/homepage\/features\/commentary\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Dominica News Online\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2017-02-10T15:05:50+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2017-02-10T16:38:28+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/dominicanewsonline.com\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/Kerdisha-St.-Louis.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"960\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"801\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/homepage\\\/features\\\/commentary\\\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/homepage\\\/features\\\/commentary\\\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/51a62154b494e84510be75e846b1cf55\"},\"headline\":\"THE KSCHRONICLES: Boys don\u2019t cry\",\"datePublished\":\"2017-02-10T15:05:50+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2017-02-10T16:38:28+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/homepage\\\/features\\\/commentary\\\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":933,\"commentCount\":11,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/homepage\\\/features\\\/commentary\\\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2017\\\/01\\\/Kerdisha-St.-Louis.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Commentary\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/homepage\\\/features\\\/commentary\\\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\\\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/homepage\\\/features\\\/commentary\\\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/dominicanewsonline.com\\\/news\\\/homepage\\\/features\\\/commentary\\\/the-kschronicles-boys-dont-cry\\\/\",\"name\":\"THE KSCHRONICLES: Boys don\u2019t cry - 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