Right now I am in a relationship a lot of people consider to be perfect.
But we all should know that nothings perfect. I feel trapped and don’t know where to turn or who talk to. Here’s why.
My boyfriend is not a bad person in fact he is quite the opposite
He is very loving and caring person and shows me in many ways everyday just how much he really loves me.
But I think I am the one with the problem because no matter how good relationship is, I keep telling myself that I am not happy.
It is amazing how ungrateful some people may think I am. This is a man that was there for me when one no one else was (this is a man I should be getting married to with no complains), he helped me in more ways possible.
I will give an example I got pregnant at 19 and the father of my child, while I was pregnant, got arrested and was sentenced to do time in jail.
I was pregnant and all alone with no where to turn. Then my boyfriend (now) came along and when every one was against us being together, he stood by my side, made sure I had everything I needed to deliver a healthy baby (even though he was not the father).
As time past by I grew more and more fond of him, telling myself that I love him and at times even trying to convince myself that I truly do.
But now after three years of being together, I just think I am wasting his time. I thought of ending the relationship many times but when I thought of how badly it may hurt him, I just left it alone.
So right now am in this relationship I don’t want to be in. I talked to him about it before and he said that we could work things out and that’s what am trying to do now.
But I think I need some advice.
Confused
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Dear Confused,
What are you really looking for? I wish you had sent us your list entitled ‘My Ideal Guy.’ From your letter, you have a perfect gentleman. One who is willing to be at your side even when you want to end the relationship for no apparent reason! One who took another man’s debt and maintained you and your child even when he was the spectacle of public ridicule!
I have to be frank in identifying your problem. It is called ingratitude. You have been blessed with someone who loves you, treats you right, has taken on your child as if it is his, and the list goes on…yet you want to leave him. For what? Have you decided to spend that “alone” time furthering your studies? Spending more time with your child while you are “alone”? Because your letter does not indicate why you want to leave.
Yes, no relationship is perfect, but yours seem to be pretty near perfect. Whatever veil may be over your eyes and causing you not to see the good thing in your life, remove it now, and behave yourself. Meditate on the good in this man, and choose to love him. Love will not come as a feeling, but it is something that we purpose to do towards another individual. Learn to love good things in your life. Learn to appreciate your blessings.
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published Tuesdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
Life is short..
Why do people believe like even if someone did good for you in the past and continues to do so, you suppose to just be with them forever?? Like Geeze i just dont get some of yall. If the love is not there just tell the man straight up because you are not only wasting your time but you are the man time to!!
young lady i understand you clearly. Is it that you don’t really love this guy, or you can’t deal with the sex? most times we are a shamed of talking about sex, but sex matters. talk it over and tell yourself what you really want. take it to the lord in pray.
That’s a keeper my girl…..
that woman is young and young women dont like good and nice men they prefer the vacabon boys
yessi bella no water in our mouth i like that! some of dont know what we want . if you leave him a hundred women are going for him. that’ll be my win your loss.
So Bella, u giving the person advice to stay with a man she doe love for the sake of comfort. first of all she is honest and want to free up the brother. Girl I say to u talk it over with the man and show him that he is better off without you. it will only cause more pain in the future. I know what i saying because somebody i know as a close friend and brother is now 6 feet under because of stress of a marriage where the woman never show him real love. all her love was for another man she had before the one she married. but she married him for money, comfort and all the pretty things. The man started to feel the stress when he realize that when she give him a ready made child in the marriage by that same lover. SWEETHEART, tell the man straight out u doe love him. u will do him a big favor and he will thank u later.
You want de police that beat/abuse his ex-girlfriend?
Girl u better open your eyes and realize what you have!!!
So many people want what you have? Marry de man and thank God!!!
That is how dominican woman ungrateful and engwah they are never satisfied always complaining don’t matter how well you treat them in the end its always about their goals what they want and their own happiness I fed up with them so now its no strings attached for me …wammm bammm thank you mam babbye ..woman boy smmh
girl fren u are blessed wit the rite man. jus learn to love him for who he are. u wil nt find a man like this again so don’t do wat u wil regret later and later wil be too late ok.
Ever tried kissing someone who likes/loves you real bad but you are not attracted to them like that? oh boy.
It gets worse when the person realizes or thinks that you are with him or her out of pity.
Confused, let me share something with you. most of us can identify with your dilemma, its human nature to feel wanted or unwanted or not wanting to want if you get my drift.
As a consensual adult, i think you should tell the guy exactly how you feel and want you want an be adamant about it. indecisiveness is a recipe for disaster.
By holding on to a relationship that you do not want you are only setting the precedent for hurt resentment and confusion that will inevitably lead to violence.
Let me give you an example. i have a girlfriend who do not want me, i know that she does not, she have been sleeping with many guys for the five years we are together, i keep talking to her about it and then i decided to leave and she told me no. then she asked for some space, when the period was up i went back and she started talking some nonsense to me. i got engaged in some pre-calculated violence against her. not that i physically touch her, but i just do this to show her that some other guy could kill her.
I can count my losses in terms of finances spent and emotional damages, because when you love a woman its not about the body or what has been spent on her. it is what you have developed, it is the time you invested.
Many people react differently when they are emotionally hurt, some hurt themselves others hurt other people or cause damage to property.
My advice is you must come to a compromise as soon as possible.
remember curiosity breeds infidelity and infidelity breeds hurt, resentment and violence
ive been reading most of the ‘dear bella’ column n i just find she went out of line with that one. somebody is writing for advice, she doesnt have to come back on here and see the kind of advice she got fr Bella.
the admins of DNO apparently screen our comments, i wish they’d start screening Bella’s advice too. cuz while some of us may take it as a joke, one day somebody writing may seriously be in need of help and the answer she gets fr ‘Dr Bella’ may be the difference between life and death.
i’m no psycologist but i did peer councilling in high school, and fr the little i learned, i think i got educated enuf to know that that is not the way u answer somebody in a column which is designed to share advice.
Some people cannot receive love, most times when they are consumed by negativity this becomes there reality. We find many women leaving men who treat them well for “BAD BOYS” Its human nature to always want more, you may have a stable relationship but you want more… seek counselling before you life spins out of control. Right now communicating with your boyfriend is best and its okay to spend some time apart. I Would not advice you to break it off completely, you will regret it by the time you reach 28 and you’ve gone through the drama, that is life.
As a mother sometimes your life may seem consumed, like you are not living your destiny but you are constantly in your child’s\boyfriend shadow. This battle is definitely your own and its a good thing you recognized it. This problem can be addressed; change you hair, your style. Ask you b\f to change his look…don’t perform the same routine, keep it interesting, take on a hobby
Men need to understand something these days. Just cause you’re a good caring guy don’t mean women will like you. In fact they will despise you for it. just get between the legs and then go on about your business. They will definitely love you for that.
@Confused
I can identify with your problem–that is how I discovered that Love is of the Spirit and human affection is of the flesh.
Unfortunately the majority of us are leaning on “human affection”–regardless of who that person is in our existence–as we claim to love, but especially where an intimate relationship is concerned.
However there is no feelings in Love, since Love is of the Spirit, we can love people and do not know it, until the One who puts this Love in us has informed us of that Truth–I am speaking about our God Himself, who is Love.
I can see that you do not have that kind of human affection, which is has to be motivated by Love in you–most of the time this happens because we learned on someone who was both attracted to, and loved us at the same time–but we are just not able to share or give back in response.
It has happened to me, but today I know that everything that happened in my Life is part of God’s plan for me. I know that He used that man to help me in my weaknesses–just as He is probably using “your boyfriend” in your Life–I am sure that He freed my friend from pain–because we continued as good friends for as Long as we had to do so.
All I can advise you, is to pray to God about this problem of yours–I am sure that He does not want you to hurt your “now boyfriend” but He has solution for both of you. I truly believe that you love him, but the human affection (intimacy) towards him is absent–that was the problem with me–he was a very good man also.
Please try to pray with sincere faith–there is no one who can help you with this problem more effectively than “God Himself”–take my word for it. Blessings!
Very nice.
Ingratitude! She doesn’t love him. Why should two people be in a relationship where one doesn’t love the other? Who wants to raise a child like that anyway?
She can force and lie to herself and “choose to love him” but not forever. Eventually it will eat away at her and he won’t understand why she’s so bitter and hateful towards him.
A relationship may be a choice, but at least make a choice that you are going to be happy with for as long as possible. Marrying someone who you “feel” this way about isn’t fair to you, him, or the child…it will not end well.
I need a man like dat here is my number 28763425
Me too I need a man like that.Fact is I need a man in my life asap.smh.Some folks have all da luck.
sweety, they r hard to come by.. trust me on that.. i am a man and i know what it is like. sometimes you give so much out n get so little, don’t know what the world is coming to.
Judge not. The woman is the one in the situation. The fact that she has stayed on for so long, not wanting to leave and hurt him, means that she is appreciative of all he has done so far. At least she is being honest. You never know, the man may move on and get someone who will love him unconditionally.
We have to look at the both sides of things. Who knows why he really got involved with her in the first place? We cannot just jump to conclusions based on her letter. Instead give her sound advice. Confused, I suggest you sit with the guy and talk to him. Tell him just how you feel. You never know, even if you think things are going well, there may just be that one thing you all sit and discuss that may make a huge difference. You are with him and only when you talk to him the problem can be solved, or a proper decision made. Communication is always key in any relationship. Blessings and all the best.
So all you doh realize de other padner coming out from Stocky just now, so she want to be free to go back and love him??
Padna, you may have hit the nail right on the head! Maybe she isnt being as honest as she is pretending to be. Women boy, you can never understand them, and they lie alot too!
Lol. Same thought passed through my head
If you learn to love our Father in Heaven who loved us first, then it becomes easy to love others. Love one another as I have loved you. This is agape love. With that love it is easy to love others. When we do so then when we are looking for a husband, wife we do not look outwardly. If we are not carnal but spiritual, it becomes very easy to love someone especially with such loving attributes.
My advise young Lady seek ye first the Kingdom of Christ and its righteousness and all will be added unto you. Give all to Christ, fellowship with persons who will help you find true love in Christ Jesus and then you will be making a better decision. You have to find the all loving Christ who died for our sins. I am sure this will end well when you discard your carnal nature.
Young man let her sort our herself if you love her. Also you too seek Christ as well. If you do you won’t be disappointed in the opposite sex. You will see her through the eyes of love. Do not play into the Enemy’s hands just trust God .. If she is for you then you will have her if not then God probably has a better option for you. Trust God.
I am in a very similar situation I am in a relationship with a very respectable guy and we are planning on getting married he is very good to me .his hands are very open to me he respects me ,he makes me feel like I am the only woman alive to him I love him care for him but we are like 2 different people and he lacks the excitement I think that is needed to sustain me or a marriage .I see me sooner or later getting very bored and I feel trapped.Wanted to leave a few years ago nut sometimes u stay in these relationships to please people .I feel ur pain darling .shoul u stay should u go
let god
To the Admin of D.N.O.
I strongly suggest you hire a professional counselor to handle young people’s issues on here. Although it may be printed below the story that this is not professional advice however, the general audience thinks this is a credible medium for sharing one’s issues.
If a professional counselor is hired or volunteers to write on here, it will increase your readability, stories will be more constant and more young people will want to open up. Emotional issues are very delicate and if they are not handled maturely it will only deepen the emotional wound.
An area for young men should be opened up as well. There are many young men who suffer in silence and would be glad to use this as a medium as we still have this “macho” mentality ‘big boys don’t cry.’
As it relates to the article, it is forbidden to stay in a relationship (I’d prefer if this young lady was married as I disprove of relationships out of marriage) where one party doesn’t have any chemistry for the other. It is a challenging situation but its better she communicates how she feels and both should be willing to seek counseling to address these issues. It would complicate things in the long run especially if more children come into their world.
Additionally, there is an infant involved, the child may have an attachment to the man like a father figure. It is sad that another broken home is in the making but it is better this situation is corrected urgently before it gets worse.
Lastly, just like a young person may read for fun or to master a skill in a particular field; our youth men and women should increase their relationship/romantic knowledge. I recommend this book by Dr. Andrew Stanway. He has been a marital therapist for over 45 years, “A New Guide to Loving.”
these counselors don’t have the emotional linkage. They only tell you what they read from books and sometimes cause more damage.
you can only listen to them…
Men and women both are suffering from the wounds sins has made. They need to open their hearts to Jesus Christ according to St. John 1:11,12 and Revelation 3:20.
At the heart’s door the Savior is standing,
at the heart’s door fast closed by sin.
At the heart’s door the Savior is knocking,
oh draw back the bolt and let Him in.
He is the healer of sin sick souls and the mender of broken hearts. This man – the God man – has the answer to every problem of life.
Those who choose Him are not writing to Bella for advice, or checking themselves into therapy. They have found the light of life, and shall not walk in darkness.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.
I have read all the comments and advice given to this woman, and all are lacking one essential element. It is called desire. Although she didn’t mention it, it seems clear to me that this good Samaritan man is unable to satisfy her like her jailbird man, in what she needs most from a man, good, serious, hard loving in bed. Most real women will forgo a good man for a sweet man any day. A man who can give her good hard wood, (and a lot of it), whenever she needs it, and it seems as if she needs it and is not getting it from the good Samaritan man.
Obviously it did not work for her
What she and all others like her need is an encounter with Christ the Son of God to lift her up out of the miry clay and put her feet upon the solid rock. Of course they do not think so. This is why they are writing to Bella for help.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.
well leave now while you have very little commitment cuz I married into a situation like this and now its too late to walk out since children entered the picture. Now we are both living miserable, unhappy lives
Hmmmm
i read every one comments,and i too was in the same situation,twice!,but if she not inlove with him,then its best she go,i guess he will understand,at least she try,i think,or hope,yet life is hard,she has a kid to take care of,how is she going to do that?well i guess she has a plan allready,but if she reading our commentS one advice i have for her,after you do leave him,dont go back and ask for help,cause he wont help you again,
i sense her type,she like bad boy with fire!I too like those jombies,they make our harts pump fast,but thats only for a short time,lol,yet leave while you can,thank him for all what did for you and your son ,cause up to kn0w,all who i help or give,never called and say happy fathers day,
Amen
“One who took another man’s debt and maintained you and your child even when he was the spectacle of public ridicule!”
But Bella you fresh. She passing it for 3 years so her debt paid.
I am sure you are a woman to make such an insult to men about “passing it”. If is passing what I know you mean then isn’t he passing the same thing back? I never get why women always think is only that men wants from a woman and they to don’t need.
Well Well Well Bella. You sound like you have a problem. You are basically trying to force the young woman to love someone. You dare call her ungrateful although it seems to me that she is staying with him because she is grateful for all he has done for her. That column should be taken away from you Bella because you need advice yourself and you came off as being overly judgmental and mapuiszant.
Bella! you need help my girl.
But Bella you not easy. First of all, your language is a bit ‘out of place’ like you talking to your child who wants a lolly u can’t afford.
And you calling the girl ‘ungrateful’? But aay aaay.
First woman man do something for nuh? Woman doing for man too, and the young lady Im sure is doing her part.
So what if she was in love and was cheating as people do all the time?
Bella gimme a break yuh…
My girl, can I please have this guys number? I believe you have the man I have been searching for all my life. What you can do, is pick up some punk from the streets that will use and abuse you. You see, u never miss the water till the well runs dry.
A guy once told me women don’t like nice men. They always want some man that will use and abuse them. Is that what you’re lookin for sweety? Cuz the man u got now is very hard to find. And that’s what I’m lookin for.
So appreciate what you got. If you don’t want it there’s nothing pple say that can change that. But think before you act.
Besides, we can all look at this in a different way. Let’s say you leave him and he feels soo hurt tthat he decides not to trust another woman then he becomes some player. That’s how things start. I call it ‘the vicious cycle’.
Anyway my girl, the choice is yours. If u decide to leave him then repost to my comment and link me. I’d do anything to get and keep a dude like this.
so many lonely women out in this world.. please send his name and number so he can move on peacefully with one who truely loves him. you are more than welcome to pickup a punk.. so many available out there…
Dear Confused: I see this letter has just beeen posted so you are likely still deciding. Obviously, you have made a few mistakes in the past. I can understand you not trusting your own judgment. BELLA has given you excellent advice. Please allow me make these comments. I have worked as a counselor (I’m now an evangelist), so I take this seriously. First you have two people to look out for; yourself and your precious baby. Give some thought to your child’s future. Second, I cannot advise you to go back to the child’s father. Regardless of what feelings you may think you have for him that would NOT be a good life! Third, I can only judge by what you have said but it seems the man you are now with is basically a good person. Obviously, this gentleman cares about you. He must have some feeling for you to accept you as he has done. Better still he seems to have a “father’s heart” to be willing to accomodate your little one. Fourth, do NOT go by feelings alone. Here is a very important fact of life. Many times feelings are CAUSED by what we DO. If you speak nice things to this man and treat him as he deserves to be treated I expect you will begin to feel positively towards him. Love is not something we FALL into. Love is a decision. We decide to love. How do we decide to love somebody? By DOING loving things. I’m not talking about sex or even romance. I’m talking about being lady like, kind, and helpful. It’s what we DO that produces the feelings – not the other way around. Fifth, Confused, please do this. Even if you’ve done it before you have not done it THIS way so do it again. Sit down with your man and tell him you have been confused. Ask him if he is willing to build a life together with you. Tell him you want to put the past behind you by getting MARRIED and doing it right! Yes, you should come right out and ask him if he is willing to MARRY you AND be a father to your child! Sixth, If he says yes, the three of you go to a church. I recommend a Pentecostal Church. Ask to talk to the pastor. Tell him I sent you! Tell him what has been happening in your life. Tell him you want to get married. I expect you will find the pastor is a very caring man. He is a spiritual father. He is a shepherd. Seventh, visit my website if you can. mywww.livinghopeministries.ca and click onto the EAGLE COURSE. This is a 12 Lesson Workbook Manual for New Christians. It can be studied from the screen or copied absolutely free of charge. The very first lesson will tell you in simple language how to receive Jesus Christ as your Saviour and begin a new life in Him. I hope you and your boyfriend will do it together! Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Reverend, you have lost your way.
A true counselor’s advice is short and concise. It seems to me you have no idea what you are on about. For a seemingly educated person you could have organized your ideas into paragraphs. Good Lord!
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I am new at the computer and didn’t realize the importance of paragraphs. Your point is well taken. I am a “true” counselor having received my Certified Pastoral (Professional) Counsellors (C.P.C) designation in Canada. I worked as a paid counselor in a large Health Centre in Toronto and on the staff of an inner-city church. Sincerely, Rev. Don Hill
@Rev. Donald Hilla June 18, 2013
It is very difficult to read your comments. That one block, but long message puts a strain on the eye–I am never able to finish reading your messages.
I am wondering how is that you do not paragraph your writings from point to point. I cannot imagine that is how you write Sermons–or don’t you preach?
@Muslim_Always June 18, 2013
I did not see your comment before I posted mine. Otherwise I would have left yours to stand. However I hope that Rev. Donald Hilla will understand the problem of his writings–based on two different objections.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I have only been working with a computer a short time and didn’t realize the importance of paragraphs. Yes, I preach internationally. I spent two wonderful weeks in April and May of this year preaching 13 times in Dominican Republic, my Sixth trip to the Caribbean! I write my sermon notes by hand spacing and numbering the paragraphs. Sincerely, Rev. Don Hill
@Rev. Donald Hilla June 19, 2013
Okay I see where you are coming from, I do understand.
Not everyone is a writer, to know how to do it professionally, if you write your sermons by hand I can see what you mean.
I also preach to my church at lease once a month, sometimes I have up to 14 pages, I could not write this by hands.
However I am trained in “word processing” and with the computer–especially with Microsoft Words, is like a piece of cake for me.
Anyway, all you have to do on DNO, is to double space, by hitting your enter key twice, to break down your points into paragraphs–just like I did here.
Thanks to God that we now have the spelling feature everywhere for most the Internet pages–as a red line appears under the word which we spell wrong, and to correct them right away. Blessings!
RUKIDNME Bella? I am going to have to disagree with you on this one. Leaving this guy now would be the best thing she could ever do for both of them. Does this mean she’s being ungrateful? No. I don’t think so. Saying she’s not in love with him does not mean she doesn’t appreaciate everything he did for her in the past. My advise to you young lady, is don’t stay in this if your heart is not in it. You will only regret it later.
Exactly! Regardless of what he did for her, she is living a lie and leading him on even though it isn’t intentional. She will be doing him a favor by ending it, allowing him the opportunity to find someone who loves him genuinely for who he is and not what he can do for them. Yeah it will hurt him but she can’t keep wasting his time. It isn’t her fault, she was vulnerable…be honest with him, he deserves that much and go your separate ways
lady give me d man number tan lemme call him up, i need sum gud treatment like that in my life been thru enuff shit wit the one i got n ready to leave…u jus letting a gud man’s effort go to waste…how can u not luv a man thats good to you in so many ways….LIFE AND LOVE JUST FUNNY AINT IT….SIGH
hey he like them young,not a old fowl,old fowl are only good for soup,yet she should give up his cell# to you ladies out there,lol
lol…you are funny…but yes one can grow to love someone and live with them happily even if they did not start off the relationship in passionate relationship…but that is what this young lady has to sort out for herself and as some people have said she may need some help in doing so. Where are the counselors in DA/ Are there are for kinds of clients?
you don’t love someone because of what they do for you..what do you mean how can you not love someone that is good to you in so many ways? Love is more than what you all make it out to be
is not what he does for her alone…u didn’t read what she said, n i quote “He is very loving and caring person and shows me in many ways everyday just how much he really loves me” tell me what is love again? if she had said he shows me he luvs me by buying me this buying me that of doing whatever it is i tell him i will understand that is not all. but if she says he is loving n caring n showing how much he luvs her everyday in so many ways, my dear what again is love? u tell me n what is it again you can want from a man to know he luvs you. And by her comments it doesn’t look like he disrespects her nor treat her bad.
Bella,
So the guy is good to her and your advice it is to stay when she feels trapped? Perhaps she should seek counselling to determine why she feels that way. Maybe it all boils down to a lack of chemistry. She does not feel the guy. She acknowledges the guy is a great guy. She went on to say she stayed with him so as not to hurt him.
After she said all that you still turn around and called her ungrateful? It is obvious Bella does not have a clue about what she writes.
@ Jumi Hnedrix:
So only after 3 long yrs she would realize tht there is no chemistry? While some of us women would beg to have a supposedly good man like this n our lives, here she is wanting something less worthy? My grandma always said be with the one who loves u not the one u love because when u do take stock u grow to appreciate the effort of the one who loves u. The one u love will take advantage of the fact tht u are head over heels about him/her and will use tht to his/her benefit. He/she will always have some leverage over u.
Bella u need to start a sex colume so folks can seek out others like a dominica dating site type of thing. Or just a forum to talk dirty
Who dislike my comment what is your problem. If you dow like that i say then masssssssh.. Ti Sal
leave while you can, it is better to break his heart now, than divorce a couple years later. that is some of the reason that some of us divorce, cause there was never a love relationship anyway, and so the relationship becomes boring, and you end up getting depression. leave now while there is not a serious relationship, especially on your side. guess you like bad boys
smh,its obvious she don’t love a guy whose so rare in Dominica smh,i always say young people smh
She is not in love with the current boyfriend. She need someone to lean on and he was there but she is not in love with him. It won’t work get out sweetie.
I have learnt that most women like a little bit of thug in a man. That is what attracted her to her jailbird baby-daddy in the first place, and that is the exact reason that she does not have the same sort of affection for this present boyfriend as she felt for the baby-daddy. He is too nice and clean cut. It appears that he needs to thug up a bit. That is fouchette, but thats how the cookie crumbles!
When you are not in love, trying hard to fall in love is not a happy experience. Love should come natural. You’d do him a better favor by letting go and remaining good friends if he wants to.
Love is a feeling that comes from the Heart and if it’s not there from day 1, then there is nothing he or she could do
if u wont have him.. I will…
Dear Confused,
Could you give me his name and number ??
Sounds like the man I have been searching for…
Sorry to say as man point a view the gal is a fool. she must like bad man stroke.
That makes me feel for my ex right now cause my present husband get soo boring now. I feel your pain my darling. But my problem with u is that look at life? While u was alone he pick u up and took care of u, u must be considerate now to tell him why u do not want him again and what’s your plan next.
Lay off….it is obvious that she is not in love with this man in the way she needs to be…that does not mean that she wants a man who mistreats her…he is a great guy but he just does not have that umph she wants. What is wrong in stating that?….at least she has tried to be honest with him about her feelings. Did you see that she was only 19 and very desperate when he came along …because someone helped you and cares for you is no reason to commit your entire life to them in repayment if that is not what you want…There are other ways for her to say thank you to this kind gentleman….she needs to be happy and she courageous to question whether this relationship no matter how good it looks makes her so… At least if she goes ahead and stays with him ..she would know that she at least considered her situation very deeply and made her choice…and she did not do it because she felt obligated… all of allyuh saying she should go ahead will expect to be surprised too when five years from now they end up divorcing?
And no, I am not confused!
I believe the writer is suffering from some form of Bad Conscious because she believes that the Guy is treating her so Good and she doesn’t have his child, The mere fact that this guys loves your child, I believe that you should love him and try to work things out…..Take a day on the beach just the three of you (You, The Hussy and child) and you will get a sense of comfort …. Your not the only one going through this ok! your not alone…. Good Men are hard to come by
leave him and go find a vacabond on the streets who will treat u better and might do something to end up in jail again cause u maybe love visiting plp at stocky. u r right u r wasting his time, i command u to leave now!
While some I you criticize her at least she is honest. There comes a time when you can no longer sustain a relationship and after a ” good faith effort” you have to let go! She is honest. N hing wrong with that. Just because you all perceive it to be ideal doesn’t mean it’s ideal for her.
Bella you tried but your response was biased.
Some I = some of you
N thing = nothing
Well the big problem is, SHE is NOT in Love, never was and never will with this man; this good man came as a Samaritain when she really needed him, three years with him was out of respect and consideration and most likely affection. Most of us figure out that materials of the world can replace Love, No way.Why remain in an unhappy relationship just to please others? She is not in Love with him and that all.
Cant side with u bella some times if that feeling u should have for some one is just not there no matter how much the other half loves u,love is somthing that comes natural all i can say is dont live a lie take a break see how u feel then,if that was me i wld rather move on than to know u give a butcher man my hmmmmmm on me.
Bella,
You are way way off on your advice to this young lady. If she stays in this relationship she is just prolonging the inevitable – she will end up leaving this man at some point or worse yet cheating on him. It may be hurtful now to end it but at least the both of them will be able to get on with their lives. Her heart is not into it. This is the problem with your advice – people stay in relationships “just because” and in the long run this hurts their kids and their kids grow up and do the sme thing and there goes that domino effect. Life is too short!!!!
You want the warnner police officer it looking like. lol
Just love your man. he is a good man. that good man may never come around again.
She sounds like she may have emotional/psychological issues.
Every body is not meant to get married, or be in relationships. Some people function better by themselves.
But wait, Bella sok it to de girl wii…lol
It is women like these that turn good guys into bad guys. How will he be able to trust any woman again?
Ask him some time so that youget good conselling and forget that other person you are thinking off. remember old people always say” marry the one that loves you not the one you love”.
Now if the relationship has become monotone, put some pepper into it and be happy with your man.
when u in good home, bad home does always call u. my girl stick to ur man, i was in a similar situation as u.. feelin like something was wrong with our relationship when it was me bein ungrateful and not thankin god for my blessings.
you better start askin the creator to change your heart and start thanking him for all he has given to you, cause trust me that’s the forces out there that’s playin with your mind in thinkin that u no good.
she want a badboy to make her feel good…fool
There is nothing ungrateful of how this girl or woman feels, love is from the heart and if its not there its just not there. You are saying anyone that comes along that is grateful to you you should accept them, love don’t work that way. Let’s take for instance buying a stereo the salesman would say this is our top seller this is our best price you may listen to them but in your head there is a distinct sound you are listening for and when you hear that sound you know this is the stereo you want. It’s the same as love, she may be wrong by choosing so let her follow her HEART.
Before you make any decision ask yourself whats the real honest reason ur doing this.you may end it believing another great guy who gives u butterflies and gitters is around the corner but thats u sabotaging ur real happiness. But if ur dead set on finding ur true love outside of ur true love i am more than happy to be HIS.
many times you don’t choose who you love and whoo you don’t love. it happens….I know how she feels…when its not there its just not there…
Girlfriend i understand u, but are u sure u want to end it just so. You have to consider the child whom he took care from belly to birth also, will dat infant be hurt. Are you in the process of seeing someone else. It is hard and if u give up just so it might cause him to much pain,it dont seems like you are dere for anyting but think of how you are being loved and appreciated
YOU have some self work to do! Besides, relationships, at some point, will make one party feel weighed down by its demands. Furthermore, relationships are not for everyone. YOU have to end this relationship and work on you; life is sending you those signals for a reason.
She is just not in love. If your heart’s not in it, let it go. At least she tried and is being honest with herself. Let him go now before it goes any further so he can be with someone who truly loves and appreciates him
Dear confused you should forget about this nice guy crap…he dont deserve you at all.
I say wait until your ex-con comes of of the locker….this is the man you want and crave for and deserves..
That is your chemistry.
Now if you could only be true to yourself and tell mr good guy, took care of me during pregnancy, taking care of my kid that its over and you have just been using him.
Young lady, quite clearly you have a serious problem. I suggest you get your head checked first, hen for you to sit and ponder on what you want. Apparently some women envy you at this point, and you don’t know the prized possession you hold. You really need a dose of reality!
After three years?? Come on, something is wrong with you. He’s been there for you, tolerated ridicule and is still there, & you want to end the relationship?? My goodness, I wonder what more do you want?!You should have realized that you were wasting his time since he decided to take up responsibility for your child!In a sense you are being very unfair, yet maybe it’d be better to set him to get the real attention & love he deserves, because he suit the description of a real man.
I do hope you think this over, & consider all the good there is to it.
What happen to mamzel nuh?
Maybe she want a man that giving her blows for her to feel appreciated. Chpz.
That woman is crazy , . I think she like to suffer .That relationship u have there if it was me I would cherish it . so think about it
oh gosh. bella ur advice makes no sense at all. the woman has obviously mistaken gratitude for love. at the beginning he was there for her so she felt a sense of stability and graciousness towards him, she grew fond of him, maybe even loved him for it. but loving somebody and being in-love with somebody r two totally different things. and fr what im getting she was never in-love with the guy.
my girl u r not being ungreatful. matter-of-fact i find u r being un-selfish right now. because even if he is still treating u like a queen, u stated that u did not want to waste HIS time. so u r thinking of HIM and realising u r not the right person for him. u’re willing to set him free to find someone more deserving of him. u respect him enuf to not let greed allow u to stay.
it may be hard but i hope he understands ur position and allows u to leave. if he’s as great as u say im sure he’ll find someone who’ll love the way he deserves. good luck to the both of u.
You’re so right, I think he was more of a rebound than someone she wanted to build a relationship with. He was the comfort and stability she needed at the time but now she’s ready to move on. I totally disagree with Bella’s advice, this lady realizes the man deserves better and she wants to allow him the opportunity to receive it.
I totally agree! She doesn’t seem to be in love with him, even from the very beginning. A relationship is a two-way street; it requires compatibility and love from both individuals.And even if two people are in love, it doesn’t mean that they’re meant to be together. If that was the case, everyone would still be with their first love.
While reading Bella’s advise i was thinking this is crazy and bella is suppose to be a “doctor”? i hope not, not from the way they responded. I quite agree with you analysis, you shold probably apply for bella’s position cause
i agreed with you a 100%.
loving someone and being in love with someone is two different thing. I have been down that road before.
Dhestini I think ur advice is so much better than the crap Bella is trying to feed this girl .She jus need to way her options carefully and I really look within herself and decide what she wants and if she really does not feel contented wit the relationship make sure that if she decides to leave do it in a way that the young GENTLEMAN perspective of women not be negatuve and leave him bitter we still want the next woman who truly loves him to get the treatment she did
ive been reading most of the ‘dear bella’ column n i just find she went out of line with that one. somebody is writing for advice, she doesnt have to come back on here and see the kind of advice she got fr Bella.
the admins of DNO apparently screen our comments, i wish they’d start screening Bella’s advice too. cuz while some of us may take it as a joke, one day somebody writing may seriously be in need of help and the answer she gets fr ‘Dr Bella’ may be the difference between life and death.
i’m no psycologist but i did peer councilling in high school, and fr the little i learned, i think i got educated enuf to know that that is not the way u answer somebody in a column which is designed to share advice.
Well after this experience I am almost certain that he will be petrified of women!!!
give him to me!!!!! because my girl a good man hard to find in does days so u better say thanx god for that man
all those good men are allready taken or they are buried behind the cemetry wall.
IKR….Tell her that again. Some people don’t know what they have until they loose it.
wish she would give the reasons is the child’s father out but it seems she have a good man
Some people just don’t feel deserving. That could be the problem. a separation and evaluation period may be in order.
Look like she want to go back with the jail bird that wasnt there for her at all when she needed him. Smh what more can you want woman get your act together and move on with the damn man a lot of women out there wish they had that kind of man
Why would one want to stay in a relationship knowing fully well that there isn’t love? You cannot direct the winds but you can only adjust the sails.