I’m a married man in a really tough situation.

A year before getting married to my fiancé there was this girl that I found very attractive.  I did not see her frequently (and still do not). But, I would go out, see her and try to ignore her presence but find it hard not to steal a look at her.

I think she observed that I stare now and then, but I guess she was probably shy and I, not wanting to be unfaithful to my fiancé had no choice but to leave it alone and personally deal with my attraction as a mature person.  At times I felt sick to the stomach with thoughts of her lingering in my mind even if I don’t know her.

I’m married for about two years now and I’m very happy.  But whenever I see this girl, I cannot sleep, she haunts my thoughts.  I dare not speak to her or make my feelings obvious especially if my wife is around.  I think she is aware of it by the way I might look at her if ever our eyes meet. But of course, I remain very composed. Like nothing is up.

I am a good, decent man so I’ve prayed about it.

But really Bella, just seeing her haunts my nights.  I’m a Christian, do not want this temptation, and been dealing with it for at least three years now.  I wonder if I should approach her maybe say hi casually some time. But I don’t know.
I’m trying hard, I do not think of her, I’m busy with work, my family etc., but once I see her everything falls to pieces.

What to do?

Husband with crush

Dear Husband with crush,

Feelings can be controlled and dealt with but we must first understand what we are feeling. At first you were attracted to this woman. Considering the fact that you never interacted with her it was a physical attraction. You suppressed what you were feeling because of loyalty to your fiancé and so it grew into lust or infatuation which has compounded the situation. We cannot switch feelings off and on as we desire.

Attraction to other individuals does not always lead to sexual relations. We become attracted to others for different reasons and ignorance of this fact can lead us to make terrible mistakes. You need to discover what you find attractive about this woman and why it turns you on. Having done this you can be decisive about how you should interact with her to get over what you are feeling. Staying away will only deepen what you are feeling now and it is not going to help.

Face this feeling head on and keep praying.


Editor’s note: This ‘Dear Bella’ was supposed to be published yesterday but due to circumstances beyond our control we were unable to publish it. Reader can expect Dear Bella every Tuesday and Thursday.

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