A few nights ago my significant other and I were watching the movie ‘monster in law’. For those who have not seen it it’s basically a movie where a woman meets the man of her dreams, they fall in love and proceed to get engaged. The twist is that the guy’s mother is a recently fired news anchor who is afraid she will lose her son the way she has just lost her career, and is determined to scare off her son’s new fiancé by becoming the world’s worst mother-in-law – hence the term ‘monster in law’.
While the movie was very entertaining with the mother’s long-time assistant helping her execute her crazy schemes, it did open the discussion of the amount of power one’s in laws have in your relationship.
Now, in the Caribbean, we typically have close knit extended families – uncles, aunties, cousins etc. so it’s the norm to have your intended meet and hopefully develop a good relationship with your family.
But what if the interaction goes sour and your significant other is not well received by your family? Does that mean that you have to break up with them?
We all want our parents to like and enjoy the person that we choose to date but in the end it’s not about pleasing your parents or his parents, it’s about being happy with the person you’re dating.
If your parents don’t like your man/woman or if his/hers don’t exactly like you, this can definitely take a toll on the relationship since we tend to seek the approval of those around us, especially when it comes to dating.
Whatever the underlying problem is, when parents disapprove of a relationship, they’ll often voice it and show it, (especially if they are from the Caribbean) which can definitely make things harder than they really need to be or should be. When parents don’t agree with a relationship, the drama and tension are bound to be high.
In my opinion no matter how old you are or how far along you are in a relationship, you will always be your parents’ child, just as your partner will always be his/her parents’ child.
However, the problems start when your parents, or his/her parents, treat the two of you like young children who still need their hands held. It’s important to assertive with your parents, and his, and let them know that you’ve got this and that there’s no need to baby you anymore.
I know it’s hard to believe but just because you share DNA with your parents doesn’t mean that you have to act like they do and make the same decisions that they would. If your parents or his/her parents, assume that you will think how they think and act how they act, then things can definitely go downhill quickly.
Ensure that both sets of your parents understand that you’ll do things your own way since it’s your relationship.
It’s also important to be careful with what you say to your parents. The best way to keep them less involved is to share fewer details. Also, if you have seen that when they have knowledge, they give persistent opinions and try and change your lifestyle patterns, then you know that you need to be more secretive and keep them at a distance. If you don’t, your partner will start to feel overwhelmed and unsure of whom you are in a relationship with.
While it’s great for our parents and partners to be on comfortable terms, it’s also important to be cautious about letting your parents’ influences negatively affect the relationship you have with your romantic partner.
Strong families are a gift, and being close with parents can increase our health, but excess parental involvement in our relationships can create tension and compel people to start picking sides.
While being best friends with your significant other’s siblings and parents is not necessary for a successful romantic relationship going forward, as unfortunately, not everyone is able to magically “click” with one another, especially when there are tons of different personalities floating around, maintaining a level of civility is extremely important.
Plus, you should never try and take your partner away from his or her family. He or she should be able to see parents, siblings and cousins as much as desired, and while you don’t need to attend everything, it’s best to stay on good terms with everyone when you’re all together.
A level of separation between parent and partner is actually healthy, and as we grow older, we begin to realize that we love our parents and will always hold them close to us, but we must also focus on intimate relationships for the future that have their own category and should not be meddled with from familial influences.
While parents are critical to our wellbeing and we are always grateful for what they have done for us and the care they provide, if we let them take control over our relationships and cause problems, we might find ourselves in a failing relationship.
By putting your partner first, understanding his or her feelings, and standing up to parents in order to set boundaries and protect your partner, you are more likely to find a successful intimate relationship going forward.
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jah boy black woman soo perfect. girl if you and that padna I grudging all now ever finish I WANT TO DATE YOU IMMEDIATELY.ASAP.you looking you step out a Revlon commercial with ur slick eyebrows.hehe
nice post by the way.so it is
wow!!!!!! she is smoking hottttttttttttt!!!!!
wish i was that significant other
This is the 1st time I’m reading your post, good try. Take the advice that you get and try to improve. It’s not about the beginning but the end result. I’m very proud of you. Keep it up.
Movies such as Jane Fonda’s monster inlaw portray the jocasta complex well but endless women find themselves competing with a mother for the affection of her adult son. Certain mothers competition with the girlfriend or wife is fueled by the conviction that she (the mother) has done everything for her son. She is verbal in her stance that he (her son) needs no other woman but her (the mother).
I challenge you Jocastal complex mothers to be truthful to yourselves. Ask your self, how does a man wake up in the morning? Right. With an erect manhood. Are you not willing to satisfy your son if you are actively fighting to keep his girlfriend away? Are you saying that you are not ready to sleep with your son when you are happy to separate him from his wife?
In psychoanalysis when a male child have sexual desire towards his own mother it is referred to as the Oedipus complex. (Now let’s prove to be open minded here as nothing is new under the sun.) Alternatively when a mother desires incestual relations with her own son, as certain mothers would do whatever it takes to keep their son between their own legs. That my friends is the Jocasta complex. Let me elaborate with an example. The mother says to the girlfriend, “He is my son. I was the one who struggled to send him to school. I was the one who sacrificed to feed and clothes him. Now that he is grown up and has a good job, you think I will let you come from nowhere and reap the benefits of my hard work?” Or “leave him alone. He don’t need no woman.
“Raymond de Saussure introduced the term in 1920 by way of analogy to its logical converse in psychoanalysis, the Oedipus complex, and it may be used to cover different degrees of attachment, including domineering but asexual…
Interesting article…. keep them coming
“basically a move where a woman” – should be movie to add to what @NKRUMAH KWAME said.
As a young educated person and member of the Youth Council in Dominica, I find you can take on more challenging topics in society such as basic civics etc…Talk about what is going on in Dominica – CBI, Sale of Diplomatic Passports, Cleaning the voters list, the Child Sexual Offences Act that we are still waiting on, the Medical Professions Act, The Legal professions Act. What these things mean to us as a people and to the youth who are the future of tomorrow. I mean, enlighten the youth, stop having these idle talk about: ‘Can men and women be “Just friends?”, ‘Monster-In-Law’ etc… At the end of the day, these topics have no value in present day Dominica. Stop keeping the young people in darkness. Currently, students at the State College are not even aware of what is going on in present day Dominica, and I wonder if this is by design…
I agree with your comment 100%. As a representative of the Youth Council, there are so many issued in Dominica which are affecting young people, she need to stop chatting idly. Additionally if she would like to discuss irrelevant matter, she should start a facebook blog.
@Over it… Every topic has value. What you may DISLIKE someone else LIKES. Actually, I enjoyed reading this article…very informational. So, stop being a little too selfish and somewhat political.
I encourage Kerdisha to take on board your suggestions. I agree, at this point in time, youth – and the public at large – need to engage in more challenging topics. Family and relationship differences can be left to “Dear Bella”.
As I recollect, students at the State College are limited to what they can and cannot be debate on campus.
You need to relax and let the young lady do her thing. Enough with the politics non sense. Matt and his crew already taking care of that. Great job my girl. looking forward to seeing the family when i visit
I understand the point of Over it … however I think that the youth have countless opportunities to discuss the other issues he./she is raising. And then if there really is a gap, DNO would welcome another columnist with another slant.
Kerdisha, I applaud you, especially by you not being afraid to put a face to your opinion. Listen to all comments, show how educated you are by sifting and accepting those that are uplifting. Do not let those to the contrary bring you down.
Why do you think there is no value to this? You people always think you all know better, but won’t do shit…
Go write your own column… Everything discussed is a societal issue.
Why must you all make everything about politics in Dominica. To talk about certain issues that arise,in Dominica such as the CBI one has to have all facts. One cannot make statements or enter into discussion baxed on what “radio cord patat” says. And these days one has to be careful what one says, less,one be sued for,making defamatory or slanderous statements. The topic happens to be one tbat speaks to problems in evsryday relationship, so I see nothing wrong in giving some advice on it.
These monsters-in-law rather see their sons unhappy and living in hell but they just will not stop interfere although it is clear that is their interference that is creating the problem. They send their boys (men) off to their wives with half brain whilst the keep the other, having these boys cant function as men in their homes.
One of the things I tell my mom is…’I’m your child but I’m not A child’. Some parents have a hard time letting go….I think less sharing, in respect to your relationship, is the way to go. Great column and interesting topics young lady.
Dear Kerdisha,
This is indeed a good topic but your use of the English language leaves much to be desired. I have had numerous occasions before to comment on the poor language used in presentations on this site. My concern has been and still is for the potential DAMAGE that can be done to the hard work being done by our underpaid teachers. I am sure that had you reread and done some proof-reading, you would have seen these errors. A cursory reading of the first paragraph suffices: “the guys mother” should read the guy’s mother; “and is determines to scare off” should be: and is determined to scare off..
HOTEP!
Think she made the suggested update…..constructive criticism works
I think those are called “typos”…..? Like duh…
A writer myself, i sympathise with the young lady as very likely she is trying to submit regularly while managing het own personal time and work. A second pair of eyes usually helps but its always a question of who is willing and reliable.
Word of advice, sleep over the article, dont rush to submit, read with fresh eyes.
Dude this a blog post.typos are in. its the internet.