I begin this week with an apology for the absence of the Business & Life Column for the last two weeks. Today marks the start of the “Sixteen days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence,” and is also recognized as “the Day to End Violence Against Women. The Bureau of Gender Affairs has a program to recognise today and the sixteen days. The Dominica National Council of Women (DNCW) is holding its AGM this morning from 8am at the Civil Service Association Conference room on Valley Road. I lend my voice and give support to all efforts at ending violence and abuse against all. I wish the Bureau and DNCW much success in their work. VF Inc as part of an assignment with the Bureau of Gender Affairs will be holding consultations in the seven districts on among other things the National Gender Policy and we encourage persons to come out in large numbers when the consultation is held in their district. Transportation will be provided. Please contact VF Inc for further details.
I read an article last week entitled, “Mentally Strong People: the 13 Things They Avoid” by Cheryl Connor, a Forbes contributor, drawing on the work of Amy Morin, a licensed Clinical Social Worker, through a post on Facebook by Jones Murphy, Jr. This has inspired the article for this week.
What does it mean to be mentally strong? Mentally strong people are those who can cope with life’s adversity and blessings with equanimity. People who are able to praise and give thanks in all situations, good or bad, for they believe that the light is at the end of the tunnel, even when they cannot see it. They are optimistic, hopeful and have a deep sense of faith in God and themselves. Have you ever watched Serena Williams recover and win from what appears to be a sure defeat? If you have, you would see mental strength on display.
Serena however is not our only example of mental strength. There are examples of mentally strong people all around us. We look at our family, friends, neighbours and even our own selves, rise from the ashes of loss of loved ones, abandonment, unemployment, financial distress, teenage pregnancy, abuse, violence and countless other situations and we see mental and emotional strength.
Today as we mark the start of the “Sixteen Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence,” and recognize “the Day to End Violence Against Women,” it is fitting to reflect on mental strength. The focus is often on the abused, however, we need to pay as much attention to the abuser, if we were to end violence and abuse against children, women and men. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, psychoanalysts, however, I believe that one of the root causes of violence and abuse is a lack of mental strength and security and this leads others to exert physical strength to assert themselves, to prove they are in control, in charge. They are usually insecure and hurting masquerading as strong. I read a quote recently on one of my godchildren’s “Whatsapp status”, that read, “Insults are the last resort of an insecure person in a crumbling position trying to appear confident.” I wish to modify this to say, “Violence and Abuse are the last resorts of an insecure person in a crumbling position trying to appear in control.”
Mentally strong people are secure. They know themselves and do not feel intimidated by and inferior to others; they do not feel the need to control every person and situation in their lives; they accept good and bad news with the same grace; they do not have to be right in all things and at all times. Mentally strong people know and accept the good in themselves and recognize it in others.
Thirteen characteristics of the Mentally Strong (adapted from Motin, quoted in Connors) and two of my own:
1. Take responsibility for their actions and outcomes – They do not look for excuses, sympathy or pity. While they may wish for and accept empathy, they recognise and accept the consequences of their actions or situations. They look for the lessons in all circumstances and apply them to and in their lives.
2. Know and Accept their Inherent Worth – They are comfortable in their skins and do not compare themselves to others. They understand, as Eleanor Roosevelt so rightly stated, “no body can make you feel inferior without your consent.” They know who they are and they do not buy into others perception of themselves.
3. Embrace Change – They recognise that change is inevitable, and embrace it for the opportunities that it presents. Mentally strong people maintain their child-like curiosity and sense of adventure, venturing to the unknown with maybe some uncertainty but no fear. Yesterday, I watched my little Nathan climbing a ladder with absolutely no fear, but a sense of joy and adventure as to where it would end. I was the one fearing he would fall and asked him to get down, though a part of me wanted him to continue on his quest of discovery. I pondered long and hard on this later, telling myself I should have allowed him to continue to the top and stay on guard to catch him if he fell! He will try again, I am confident!
4. Know what is Within their Control – They live the “Serenity Prayer,” accepting what they cannot change, having courage to change the things they can and wisdom to know the difference.
5. Speak and Live Authentically – They live their lives stating their positions and doing what they do not to intentionally please or displease others. They do so because this is what they truly believe. They know that they cannot be all things to all men; some people will love them and others will not. They are true to themselves.
6. Take Calculated Risks – They weigh the pros and cons and make a decision. They know that this is better than no decision. Others may see them as crazy or foolish but they follow their instincts.
7. Focus on the Future – They reflect on the past, embrace the present and focus on the future. They do not get bogged down and deplete their energy and creativity dwelling on the mistakes or glory days of the past.
8. Learn from Mistakes – They look for lessons in all situations, especially mistakes and apply it in the future. This enables one to adopt a “Let Go, Let God and Move On,” attitude.
- 9. Rejoice in the Successes of Others – They are not envious or jealous. They are genuinely happy when others do well, and they try to learn from those persons.
10. Persevere – They have the faith of a mustard seed. They are determined and tenacious. They do not give up at the first failure or sign of failure. They stop, reflect, regroup and start again. They are also able to tune out the voices of the “naysayers.’ They go deep down and find the strength to carry on.
11. Spend “Me Time” – They go on dates with themselves! They carve out time to be alone, to pray, read, reflect, relax, think and go to dinner, a concert a play, the beach, whatever makes them happy. I remember years ago, the first time I responded to a friend, “ I was on a date with me,” when she asked what I was doing, she asked “Valda, are you crazy?” I replied, “No dear, I am Blessed, Happy and Thankful, so I am taking a little me time to stop and appreciate it all!” She now goes on dates with herself! My friends all now accept my dates with me.
12.Expect “No Free Lunches “- My father told us often that the world owes us nothing. If anything, we are the ones who owe the world, so we need to be and give our best. He also often told us that the world has enough problems of its own, so we should not add to it. Mentally strong people are positive and believe that with prayer, work, discipline and determination, they can be anything and go anywhere they want to go. They believe in the words of the song, “I am a Promise.” They see themselves as “great big bundles of potentialities.”
13.Celebrate Milestones & Life- They know and accept that success does not come overnight however on the journey of life there is much to celebrate so they stop frequently and celebrate.
14. Give Others Permission to Shine – They encourage others and help them discover their talents and potentiality. They praise others and give them their due reward. They are willing to share the spotlight with others.
15.Give Thanks – They recognise that no man is an island and that we are interdependent. Mentally strong people give thanks from the heart. They recognise the assistance provided by others along their lives’ journey and say thank you. They give thanks to God, recognising that there is a Higher Power, from which everything emanates and to whom they owe all. They give thanks to their families and friends for their love, support and caring. They give thanks to teachers, employers, mentors, bankers and all persons who are part of their lives, no matter how fleeting. They even thank the detractors for often the detractors help them see a strength, talent or opportunity they may have overlooked.
The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann sums up well the Qualities of a Mentally Strong Person. I recommend you give it a good read, whether you have read it before or not and live it. Happy & Blessed Day and week as we work on enhancing our mental strength.
Until we Meet Again, May the Lord Continue to Keep Us in the Palm of His Hands.
Love this, lots of women should embrace these words and apply it to their lives, hmmn why did I say women, most of the time women are the ones that r abused,I make no apologies, women should find their worth and be strong.
Does that imply that there are no mentally strong people to comment?
Very reflective!