I am 19 years old in a four-year relationship with a 25-year-old and he was my first in everything.
Lately he has been arguing with me a lot when we go out and his friends comment on my looks.
Then he blames me for this.
I try my best just to please him by putting only skinny and decent tops but that doesn’t help.
He compliments on my friends’ clothes but he argues when his friends does it to me.
I was forced to stop talking to all my guy friends because of him.
My parents love him and often I feel I should let him go but due to their close relationship with him, I cannot.
He’s my first and I cant see him with anyone else.
I think he is becoming very controlling over me.
What should I do?
Love Struck
………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Dear Love Struck,
You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out now!
Your boyfriend is controlling you and you are feeling that you cannot see him with another because you are making yourself dependent on him. It is good that you have kept yourself and done your first everything with your currently boyfriend, but the first is the start of many things. He is not your last.
People in abusive relationships sometimes mistake the abuse for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering, but excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn’t mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship. If he feels nervous or insecure about anything, then he should consider you an equal and talk it over with you.
Your parents will one day wish that you had told them what he was really doing if you stay in this and years from now end up at the worst end. Abusive relationships do not get better. The aggressor needs to identify the need for change and change himself. Let your parents know why you need to move on. If they like him so much, they can continue to be his friend and invite him over when they feel like it. However make it clear that you all will not get back together if he does not change certain attitudes that make you uncomfortable.
I hope you really consider that there is nothing more important than your freedom. Do not enslave yourself in a relationship that is not equal and engaging. Soon, his control will escalate to where he feels that he can beat you into correction.
Be on your guard and save yourself now.
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published on Tuesdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
Girl get a life you are da ,you are in where life is sweeet if you got a job move on ,, tell him so stop an dress for your self not for him ,,,A MAN <<<
Girl give ur man reassurance if he needs it, this points to esteem issues on the mans part.. He may be feeling like ur too good for him. Or doesn’t understand what he did to have been so lucky to have you…IDDDIIOOTTT woman run out on man, useless woman to have.. A REAL woman inspires her man… And works together with him to be his best…but those RUBBISH woman waiting for a good woman to build up her man so they can push their USELESS self in…. All man and woman have their defoe.. And BOTH man and WOMAN get scared of being abandoned… I so sick of these LAME ass women..no wonder yall hate each other so much urrgh
bella please get some training..I can tell that you do not posses a degree in psychology cause if you did you would not have given such advice.
Sounds like a normal relationship… ups n downs. I’m not sure where to find a perfect relationship but if you keep running from one to the other you may never find it. You must turn your relationship into the relationship you want… communicate with your boyfriend tell him what he’s doing and how it makes you feel and also how you see and feel about him. It’s like buying a new car every car owner likes a certain type of car some owners upgrade the rims and stereos because they want their car a certain way. You on the other hand riding the car all the time and once the stereo breaks you want a new vehicle… upgrade the stereo keep the car. From your letter it shows that he’s trying to upgrade you…. but you’re being defensive. Yet if his car not moving at all, then trade him in. UDOHREADYET!
seek counciling
Seek what?…she needs to get the hell out now..before it’s to late…that’s when she will need counseling if she stays!!!.. Or make it out alive!…
Read carefully..You got a lot of good advises…Take heed and RUN as far away from this relationship!!!..Firstly,if you have been so long together..It is now the relationship should build and mature..To settle into a more comfy situations…BUT it is not..So I have this to say to you RUN..RUN for your life!!…I was in the same situations and I almost got killed by my husband…Jealousy is a dangerous illness..When he starts like that,there is no turning back…He will control how you dress..what to wear..how to look..who to talk to…Even what to eat…Wait up till you get home..start asking you where you was..Why you are home late.
And it has already started..When you will refuse,don’t comply to what he wants,the beatings will come..Believe me..It wont need much for him to rise his hands on you…Because a man who is insecure of himself has lil trust..WHY?..because the things he accuses you of are the same things he does..I deeply believe he might be cheating on you!!!..That’s why he is getting angry at you..He is filled with guilt!!..Because he knows he is doing something wrong and now thinks you might be doing the same to him…
And worse,even if you don’t do anything to attract his friends,he will imagine it…I had the same..He got mad if his friends told me I looked good..He accused me of wanting to sleep with them.. But it was okay when he complimented other woman…Told them how lovely they looked..And they was much more sexier dressed then I did….Wake up and RUN…Don’t give this any more heavy thoughts..He will try to persuade you to stay..Say he will change..But it wont!!!.
Save yourself now..You will say a thanks of prayer to all those who warned you,later…I’ve been there and I got away…ALIVE!!!…RUNNNNNNNNN..Don’t hesitate…Get out NOW!!..You are young and life is just beginning for you..Don’t let it end so early!!!
ssssssssssttttttttuuuuuuuuppppppeeeeeeeeeesssss
and do what????? go and snatch a man that some devoted woman has spent her time building up?????
girl stay and build up your man, or STAY SINGLE…
or wait for Mr. Right to fall from the sky…
but what i hearing nah.. i am a young girll. what i doing with botfreind nah.. dat will cum.. d girl was 15 years wen she n d boy ws loving wii. dat was rape…… and u see nowadays girls just want to dress with short short pants and see through topsss.
#luk how our society coming…jorr
Girl jus go outside totoni…end of story….or put on a wob Dwiyet…and a big sun glasses he won’t see what/who you watching….and make him push you on a wheel barrow…OK?
Love Struck:
It seems your boyfriend is jealous of you. (a) He doesn’t want you to be complimented even though he compliments others. (b) He doesn’t want you talking to male friends.
This has already interfered with you life. (a) You have had to stop talking to your male friends. (2) You feel he is “controlling” you which is not a pleasant feeling to have.
First it would be good to do what we call “a reality check.” Ask yourself a couples of tough questions. Have you been flirty with other guys? (This is different than being friendly and speaking in a normal conversation.) You may not even realize you are doing it! Also, have you been dressing to catch their attention or doing little things to get them interested in you? If so, these are thing you can easily fix simply by admitting it to yourself and stop! But if you have not been doing these things your boyfriend is being controlling and that is not nice.
When a man is controlling towards a woman he is keeping company with this usually a grows on him. It generally gets worse if they get married. Unfortunately this is a fault that often results in physical abuse.
Your parents are not with this man as much as you are and could not know him as well as you do. They will not be the ones who will have to live with him if you two get married. The fact that they love him is no reason for you to stay with him. Your happiness and well being should be their first concern.
You say he is your “first”. You have been with him since you were 15. This is no reason to stay with him. A girl of 15 is very easily taken in by an older guy who shows an interest in her. The excitement of having a boyfriend at 15 is all it takes to sweep her off her feet.
You have known him for four years. If you don’t KNOW by now that he’s the one you want to spend your life with it is time to let your better judgment prevail.
Unless he can prove to you in a very short time that he has changed – and I mean radically changed – and will not go BACK to his old ways you should break off with him. Let him know it is over.
If you are old enough to have a boyfriend you are old enough to decide who he will be. Be polite with you parents but let them know finished means finished and you are not allowing anybody to twist your arm!
Sincerely, Rev. Donald hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Stay and take your blows, the country already tieup so is only right you be tieup to. #Stupidthingswomensay
Young lady get a scholarship from de PM and go China.
she said they together for four years and she is 19 and he is 25. what was a 21 year old man doing with a 15 year old girl? 19 and 25 isn’t bad but 15 and 21? awa.
secondly, if he wasn’t controlling before and has become that way, trust me he has another woman on the side now and his spirit unsettled. he figures its only time before the gf does it to him.
lol
Bella what you mention is so true, the young girl should get out as soon as possible, your boyfriend is very controlling, he will take over your hold mind. Then when you do not do as your told he will start biting you and blames you for him doing it. And sooner or later it might end up you bring hospitalised or death. There’s always someone else to fall in love with, LIFE IS TO SHORT TO BE ABUSED. GET OUT.
Is good for you, take what you get. Just now is blows like old clothes for you….what you doing with man at 15 years???
i hope u don’t have kids.
Bella made some good points. You need to evaluate the relationship and you need to decide what is more important to you if it’s your boyfriend or yourself. Tell him how you feel and if he doesn’t change then you need to decide; but do it sooner than later. It will be hard but in time you and others around you will forgive you.
but but but bella what is that nuh?? u making it sound like they have the girl in bondage and she pleading for air. your advice sucks!! i suggest that she sits down with him and make her feelings and thoughts known very clearly, then start taking action towards her desired goal. if he objects and refuses to comply after she has put her foot down then she should consider leaving. clearly by then the man has no respect for her feelings, opinions and don’t value partnership and understanding in the relationship. YOU TOO LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE TO RUN BELLA, STOP IT. geeeeez best i was Bella
This relationship speaks to trust issues. You as a young woman should not have to terminate any friendships unless they are inappropriate because of your significant other.
He seems to be somewhat insecure in your relationship which leads to his jealousy and possesiveness.
He may be acting that way as a result of experience in a prior relationship or as part of his upbringing who knows really but him why he is acting that way?
You need to take heed though and be watchful in your relationship. You have not hinted at any obvious abuse but if this pattern of behaviour continues you may then be going down that road with him.
Speak to him let him know how his reaction affects you If he responds to you positively then there is hope but if he reacts in the negative then you know it is time to cut your losses and move on.
4 years…so when you was 15 he was 21 what kinda rapist movema is that nuh..
trust me, dat not nothing. it have big gwo bouwoh bus drivers that have young little 13 and 14 year old children as their “woman”
he’s not becomin controlling over you, he’s becoming tired of you, he’s young, he’s seeing new fishes that he’s probably tasting too and he’s maybe still with you out of pity.
all these women, including bella….got the rabies..
me self just paying for a woman when i feel for one them days there….
because what that out there them times there not even worth the effort…
You was 15 when you all started the relationship and he was already 20. At that time he was the matured one and the leader in the relationship. Now you are blossoming into a fine woman and he maybe has stayed at his same level from 4 years ago and now feels threatened that a “better” man will take you away.
Food For Thought: If he cant handle the woman you are becoming He is not the man of your future.
lol lol but bella was in a bad mood dis morning dere man…just jump on abuse
I fell sorry for the young girls of today. before they even have a life they ready done a steady relationship with a controlling jealous dude. yes yuh parents love him, yes he is yuh first my girl. but r u his first? put yuhself first my girl u too young for such unhappy life.
jeez man one fish it have in d sea.. life to short to be sitting around unhappiness. and then again don’t go dressing like is in strip club u working or u have some fing to sell..
Allu women of today too like to dress like allu going to the strip club, if allu dress and a man doe watch allu or give allu a compliment allu dosnt feel beautiful. so take what you get
yea is to see them especially with the leggings and vest.. print they printing.
@bella
Wat kinda advice dat? arguments or disagreements in relationships must happen. so because the guy a bit jealous and she decide to stop talking to her male friends den she must get out of your so called abusive relationship??? so bella every body that have man that have some jealousy in dem mus leave their man? buh bellah, where u get ur Deep low Mah nuh? it sounding like u self u need help man.
are you insane?
no I’m not but you sound like yur head aint good
that is not jealousy the man is very much insecure and he is a full.
before leaving young lady I would advise u to speak with him about how you feel.
remember is not your family that in the heat is u. when u make your decision weather to stay or leave the full, tell them what was happening.
they will understand.
That is exactly it… somehow they expect to have a perfect dream of a relationship.. mind you, they not contributing to it they just want it. All relationships have ups and downs, if you keep running every time you have a problem… in 10 years half of Dominica cokay you!