I am a 27 years old lady. My boyfriend is a year younger than me.
We have been together for 4 years..we did everything together..we were very happy together untill my he cheated.
I have done alot for him, hurt myself for him, but when he cheated I realized my efforts had gone in vain.
After thinking about our situation I figured it was best we spoke about it and get over it..but it wasnt so simple as I thought.
He rejected me, real rejection, turned his back on me when I was in tears on bended knees, begging to work things out. He told me to forget about him because he loved the girl and won’t lose her because of me. I cried my heart out. There was nothing else that i could do. We broke up, and 2 weeks later he accepted me back.
I thought he had realised his mistake and decided to change but that wasnt so. Days later he was found with her again and when i confronted him he asked me if I am not happy he took me back. So I decided that I should just walk away.
So we broke up again. Weeks later he came back to me in tears, begging that i give him another chance. He made me promises, everyone told me to give him another chance. I did. I hoped that I would forgive and forget, and love him again but even if we were together I feel myself moving away from him.
I enjoyed sex with him alot and its interesting that now I sometimes find myself crying during sex, or even when he kisses me. Sometimes I go crazy to see him but then the sight of him gets me depressed. I don’t like going out with him because I amfearful some other woman embarrass me because of him. I used to talk about him so much but now i am no longer proud of him.I have tried asking him to seperate, but he just won’t go away. I don’t want to hurt him but I want to find joy again. I am not happy with him.
Confused
Dear Confused,
There is an old saying that goes “once bitten, twice shy.” And that is exactly what you are going through in this relationship. Your boyfriend cheated on you, rejected you when you needed him the most despite the fact you had done so much for him. Furthermore he told you that he loved the girl he cheated with and don’t want to lose her. This alone show you the way he is thinking.
Since you have been so badly hurt, I think it is time to move on. The relationship is not working. You cry when you have sex with him or even when he kisses you. The sight of him depressed you and you are not happy. Somewhere in the back of your mind you think he will cheat again in the future and your could be right.
If you are not happy, it doesn’t make sense staying in the relationship. Be honest with yourself and tell him that it is just not working and it is time for both of you to move on.
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published Tuesdays and Thursdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
he only crying because he knows ur tha slave, and the other they those go for never better and LAZY
he only cry now becouse he know what his losin he will start again u better run fast befor u get stock with his baby on ur arm stop making him be a prioritie in ur life when ur just an option in his life anyhow u do what u think is best for u..
thats d 1st time i c ppl didnt call d woman all sort of bad names..wow..im suprise..
thats why de girls dem like me you know im always there..
and i will say it again…. TREAT YOURSELVE BEFORE U CHEAT URSELF OUT OF HAPPINESS!!!! Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile And if its not there well……
thanks for all d support..i do appreciate all of it..i will to take heed, & find ways to walk the right path, findin me again & seekin joy in myself and god..after all, i believe god is my true lover and wit him i trust that life wont be such a bitch..thank u thank u thank u..presently, im sure not so confused anymore..the only question that is makin bubbles in my head right now, is whether i will be able to ever trust and love again..just wish i could pick up my phone and halla at ‘just givin my two cents’ when i feel down n alone..LOL..u must be a wonder person..maybe a psychology major too.heheh
NO prob hun!
Hope you make the right decisions.
I have provided you with my email address so feel free to use it. I have a daily advice blog so when it’s updated i’ll provide the link if you do keep in touch.
I am all about keeping it real while uplifting and encouraging women to excel in all areas of their lives.
Be well!
Take care
i hope you don’t intned to marry this dude because it aint goin get better
Well I’ve been in this situation, almost same amount of years as the two of you, gave him several chances and you know what happened? He had a baby. Being with somebody this long it’s going to be really hard to get over that person but if he goes out there and cheat again and end up getting this woman pregnant it’s going to be even worst so leave while you have a chance. Trust me this is a piece of cake compared to bringing home a baby or even a disease. Cry if you have to and don’t rush into any other relationship, just take your time to get over the situation. Hold strong my sister.Just pray, you could even pray for him. Don’t even bother with him when he says that he’s going to kill himself that’s just a trick so he can still have you wrapped around his fingers. Live your life for you.
My girl leave Mr alone and check your sin he’s a good for nothing stupesssssssssssss.
My advice is no one can make you happy but yourself. In life, your happiness must come first in any endeavour or pursuit you embark upon. It may sound a bit selfish, but trust me, no man is going to make your happiness their main objective; although you may be confused into beleiving that in the initial stages of the relationship. The fact is you need to to find yourself, establish self confidence, have faith in God because only He can give meaning and purpose to your life, set some goals for your own personal growth and development. In addition to the adice given by Bella and those contained in the comments, you may also need to discuss the matter further with a counselor, or a trusted and responsible member of your family, an elder of your Church or someone who has the ability give you some sound advice. In the meantime, you must attempt to stop seeing this guy and try to move on, it may take some time, but time has the ability to heal wounds and broken hearts.
Baby girl, you dont want to hurt him? He hurt you wee…and hes still hurting you…i say “pay back is a btcih” If valentines day didnt do it for you nothing will…things are definitely not working out. I am all for putting him aside. Its time to do you. I know four years is alot to give up on…but look on the bright side, you were happy then, its four years you won’t regret because they were good years, now padner show you his true colors, and he’s all grey and sin, not very promising, not really bright. you need color in your life…i reckon you have many more happy years to go…those years just don’t include him….
Just giving my two cent I want to thank you for this well said response. I’m not in the same situation as confused but I was in a relationship where I put the man first but not anymore!!! since reading your response this morning I have packed my things and moved out.
“Love yourself enough to have some pride – you are ashamed of the man – I as a woman, am a shamed of you. I have no respect for women who let men belittle them and lose their sense of self.
Find yourself – get your power back and you’ll be just fine without that man. Let the other woman have him… you don’t need any man to be more important to you, than you are to yourself.” After reading those words from your response I started asking myself some serious questions and I’m now starting over with a postive attitude. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Confused I hope you listen to these words and get out…it’s not easy but we will survive…the so called friends that told you to take him back are not friends dump them too girl.
Glad that i could be of some assistance. Just keep your positivity and do not get consumed by love that you lose yourself.
If ever you need a female opinion on something – someone who wont sugar coat her responses – but will keep it real… holla at me
[email protected]
After 4 years he cheating on you?
I have a question: Where is the fear of God in the hearts of our young people regarding fornication?
Young lady, please exit this relationship. It is spiritually and morally unhealthy for you. You cannot love someone who doesn’t love you. Try to obey God’s word and think about marriage. Get a young man with morals, when a man has fear of God he will think twice before cheating on you.
i am a man , and if a man would even consider killing him self if a woman leave him is not a man .then leave him run .he cannot love his self how can he love you .run girl run .take the advise of the lady that told you to love your self first
dd, the advice my two cents give you was dead on. I hope for you the
best in whatever decision that you come too. Hopefully you were smart
enough to have safe sex and the next time you have a relationship keep
outsiders>out. Your relationship should be between just to the of you.
As a man looking at your situation i can tell you that he found out that
the grass wasn’t greener on the other side, or he wants both pleasures;
next thing he’s going to ask for is a 3some (lol). Move on time heals all
wounds.
hhmmm… girl leave mista .. you are dog man?.. after u cry an sin he had reject u and then he come back and accept you. hmm woman on a hold eh. you doe seein he treatin u like garbage? dumping you and picking you up when he want. you not happy with him, but you still with him, girl leave your life with someone else or stay single and be happy again.
Me self doesn’t trust no man again.. never.. in God mi trust.
Pray to God,, he’ll help you through this.
Well if there is no trust, how could one have a stable relationship? One cannot put all men in the same boat. It seems that you had your share of bad experiences. Some men have share of bad experiences as well. When you refuse to give a relationship your best shot, the people whom may have hurt you, you GIVE THEM POWER OVER YOU!!!
yh move on mr doe reayd 4 u
Anti-hate i hope that you’re not an auntyman. A hood man is a rare find, and that is what i am.
I presented myself as an alternative to the loser that the lady in question was involved with. I guess you cant present yourself as an alternative because you must be one of those guys with low self esteem.
It is not everyday that you find me doing this. And you arr definitely wrong to believe that i would throw myself at every woman in distress. There is onky one me and i think i’d do right by the lady in question.
In the meantime you find yourself a suitable pasture with good wind and go fly your kite.
LOL..after ‘just givin my two cents’ made tears run down my face, u and anti-hate have me laughin..u ppl better stop knockin one another out..heheh.
Nothing but the truth as told by ‘just giving my two cents’. Sometimes its a hard pill to swallow but you just have to suck it up, accept it for what it is and move on.
No offence to Bella – but Maybe DNO should have an advice column for “Just giving my two cents” because she keeps it REAL – even though reality bites!!!!!!! Her responses are more suitable and apt to the situations!
That guy is obviously a looser and you are too blind too see that. Girl he is just using you as the fall back girl. Kick that scrub to the curb and move on with you life before it too late. I don’t know why some women let these players tie them down.Stuuuuuups. One man’s ex is another man’s wife.
@Just giving my two cents you said it like it is and I could not have said it better sometimes we need to hear a few hard truths
you not seeing the other woman don’t want him that is why he come back to you now leave his a(*
Girl leave the “looser” alone. He is using you both emotionally and financially and in every other ways..It seems that he comes to you when he needs something and when he gets it he leaves you again. Stop sleeping with him cause you dont know what he is carrying. He is a jerk and a looser. Leave him alone kick him out of your life and just remember that “God dont like ugly” and he sounds like a very ugly person
Ok, so Bella’s advice is sound but still lacking a few truths.
Apparently – women think that love of and for a man is the be all and end all. Well my dear – that’s wrong – Love of self should be the be all and end all, because when one truly loves oneself, one recognises and understands what love is.
I am so sorry that I have the be the reality checker in this situation – Madame, this boy doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want you, but rather, he missed whatever you did for him. I’m sure that you’ve heard the saying that the grass is never greener on the other side. Apparently, he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and you are allowing him.
He is manipulative – he’s has the gutspa to ask you why did you take him back? That says a lot about you and him. It seems that he has been given too much of the upper hand in your relationship and it’s not “all in” for him. Your 100% cannot maintain a failing relationship
You stated that he originally rejected you when you pleaded to work things out! He told you that he loved the other woman and would lose her for you. Frankly – you became the woman on the side the moment these things were said to you. You became second class – not the main love or interest in this man’s eyes. And once you allowed him to have you and the woman on the side – he will not respect you.
And why did you go back to him 2 weeks after he told you that he didn’t want you? – That is the problem with women – they do not HEAR what is being said, instead they hear what they want to hear, or sugar coat whatever they don’t like to make it into what they like or want to hear.
He took you back – after he cheated on you and told you he’s not leaving his other woman for woman.
Well Madame Confused – you need to “de confuse” yourself because you really are the one who is lost in all this. The man made it plain to you and you refuse to listen.
Do not make any man a priority that makes you insignificant. A man treats you how you allow him to treat you.
I say to you – grow some balls, get out of that relationship and do not look back. There are certain things that just need to be released – and you need to release yourself from this imaginary idea you have of love.
Love yourself enough to have some pride – you are ashamed of the man – I as a woman, am a shamed of you. I have no respect for women who let men belittle them and lose their sense of self.
Find yourself – get your power back and you’ll be just fine without that man. Let the other woman have him… you don’t need any man to be more important to you, than you are to yourself.
Respect to that answer!
Damnnnnnnnn, you really hit that answer just as it should be. Too bad bella didn’t see it fit to go into such details!!
Amen sister. Sound and logical advise.
ALL women should know that NO man comes first. This stupid saying that ‘I love him more than life’ is cr-p.
just giving my two cents..
i am very thankful 4 ur advice..it made perfect sense..
but hear this..he promised to change and it appears dat he has..he broke ties wit d other girl and even let go of friends who always had him out..he claimed they influenced him to cheat..honestly he is tryin to restore wat we had(well as far as i can c)..but i find it hard to let him in my heart again..and i recently told him dat it was over and he threatened to kill his self..in my head, if i leave, and he kills himself i may feel guilty 4 d rest of my life.
my dere,
he will never kill himself. thats just another manipulative tactic. everybody derserves to be happy and if ur not happy with him you got to move on. he never respected u then and he will never. crying wen having sex is deep. ur hurt and need some time to heal.
Love thyself first or you will regret it… Let him go!!!
DD you have your answer! You have answered for yourself – “i find it hard to let him in my heart” Girlfriend, you don’t have to….. you have to do what is right for you, not for the man.
If you think he will honestly kill himself, then do your due diligence and find help for him. You are not his keeper and can’t be emotionally blackmailed by him into staying.
Find him some help because i seriously think that he is using his mind games on you. If he loved you that much, when he cheated, he should have tried to work it out – he didn’t. But after experience the brown grass on the other side, he realised what he was losing.
I won’t argue that he is trying to so call change, because only you would know that – but what i detest is the fact that he is guilt tripping you into staying with him. At the end of the day, he can only heed you advice…. get him the so call help he nneds- that way you can free your mind from the guilt of anything.
You are not responsible for his well being…if he is that “sick” for lack of a better word and would attempt suicide because you guys broke up – then he definitely needs more than you – he needs professional help.
You may eventually grow to despise both him and yourself if you stay in a relationship where you feel guilt-ed into or pressured to stay.
My dear, i’ll say what i always say – you can only be responsible for your own actions.
DD I hope that i was able to offer some help and if you feel that you may need some sista advise or strength, or a strong female perspective feel free to tell me and we can connect some home.
I tend to think of myself as a strong woman and i learnt that had way that noone can make you happy but yourself. And so…moving on is definitely hard to do, but staying and suffering will eventually do more damage than good
At the end of the day, it is up to you whether you stay or go… but never base your decision on someone else’s happiness because that won’t make you happy.
And if you do intend to stay – which i STRONGLY advise against since you seem so disconnected from the relationship,you had better make that man prove himself.
But first and foremost – make you happy
Hope this helps
thanks much..i appreciate d support.
hahahhahaha omg@ nervous rex
young lady get out before it is too late
Young lady i suggest you seek God first. Pray your hurt away…pray hard.
Then we can exchange info (cell#, email, facebook,etc.) so that we can hook up. You need a good man in your life….me.
You do right pal
If you a good man Rex then y u single and looking to pick up random women with attachment issues on the net?