DEAR BELLA: I can’t seem to live my life.. Help me!

Dear BellaDear Bella,

As I sat on my bed alone in the house on a Saturday afternoon, I couldn’t help but wonder why.

I started thinking of everybody else in my life who had something good going on in their lives.

Those whose boyfriends brought them flowers at their work, or who have friends to hang out with, those who took their girlfriends out on dates, those who are successful with their new business ventures, those who are enjoying their lives.

It’s not that I’m jealous, I’m happy for all of them.

I just can’t say any of that about myself and it’s not that I don’t want these things for myself but I am afraid, so I stay in my room.

I think I eat, I sleep, I cry and that is basically my life.

I’m scared because I am an unpredictable person when I let my guards down.

I get impulsive and cocky when I get comfortable with myself and others, resulting in someone getting hurt by my words or actions.
I’ve always been an extremist; when I’m up you can’t bring me down and when I’m down I bring everybody down with me. Controlling my emotions have never been possible for me.

I don’t want to go out with guys because I’m afraid I’ll have sex with the wrong people especially because I already know how that feels. I don’t have friends because I don’t want to be used… again! I can’t keep living like this but I’m too scared to change. What do I do?

I think I’m just paranoid and lazy. I want to change I just don’t know how to do that without messing something or someone up.

Confused in silence


Dear Confused in silence,

You clearly have a lot of unresolved emotional issues. To be frank, this seems to be a case where an apple tree wants to be a tomato. A tomato tree will develop quickly but its lifespan is short, while an apple takes years to develop but lives longer and produces much more over a period of time. You need to access where you are and get to know yourself. Some people take longer than others to grow and mature.

Being unpredictable with extreme tendencies, indicate a lack of self-control indeed. Be mindful that an extreme personality can be toxic to others and can hinder the natural process of building solid relationships.

Since you are aware that you have not mastered your emotions, you are justified in being afraid of socializing with members of the opposite sex. I must commend you however for recognizing potential danger because you do not want a repeat of past mistakes.

You mentioned that you are scared to change but you cannot expect a different outcome if there is no change. It is necessary for your circumstance. Hopefully, you will enjoy your life and you will no longer be scared of letting yourself and others down. Your perspective on life should be one of great optimism.

Also, do not be so quick to label yourself paranoid and lazy. You seem to be more focused on the outcome instead of your journey to becoming a mature self-controlled individual.

Pay close attention to the lessons you need to learn along the way and master them. If you feel like you didn’t handle a situation/s well, don’t beat up yourself about it. I can assure you, you will have another go at it again.

Life has a way of bringing a lesson right back around until we get it.

Try to do better the next time.


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  1. Gregs
    September 4, 2018

    Just find some people you can hang out with. Since you know your ups and downs so well it shouldn’t be impossible to keep yourself in check. I believe weball have things about ourselves we don’t like and many of us may end up thinking of ourselves in unflattering ways and most times we’re the only ones seeing ourselves that way. Find friends who complement you not those that would use you.

  2. Kevin
    September 3, 2018

    Call me. 6153426

  3. Grace
    September 3, 2018

    I regret I read that ….

  4. DA Fails
    September 3, 2018

    Smh, women are always so complicated compared to men :lol: Take it one day at a time deary, rome wasnt built in a day

  5. A Relationship with God
    September 3, 2018

    Dear Confused in Silence

    Let me first assume that you do believe in God and if so, that you agree that the Bible provides us with all that is needed for life and godliness as the Apostle Paul informs us. If you consent to the above preamble then you would agree that God has designed each of us for a purpose which many of us have not yet met or fulfilled. Here is your change to live a successful and pleasing life if you take heed to what God has designed for you: Paul writes the following in Romans 12: ” Be not conformed to this world but be ye transformed by the RENEWING of your mind and that you might KNOW what is that GOOD and ACCEPTABLE and PERFECT Will (purpose) of God [for your life]” – that is what change calls for- a renewing of your mind from the old hurtful past to a new life-giving and powerful new dimension on life. The Bible is the best Journal on life’s purpose. No Psychologist or human therapist or social science engineering can give you a better advice. He…

  6. Sisserou
    September 3, 2018

    Get hold of a bible or a good book and read it.

  7. waypapa
    September 3, 2018

    Not bad Bella, I suspect you had help. The person needs professional help though, its not all their fault so please find a counselor or some body with a psychological background. It sounds like some sort of depression or anxiety or a personality disorder. Do not take this the wrong way, its nothing degrading but something most of us have to deal with. You seem to be a really strong person seeing that you have kept out of trouble. with help you can live a more fulfilling life. Blessed. Please folks is this is about your understanding please shut up instead of making asinine comments.

  8. Confused in Silence too
    September 3, 2018

    Dear Confused in Silence, I’m a man but I feel your pain.
    I’ve sat alone at home so many weekends wondering why I don’t just go out and meet someone new.
    But after all the hurt and disappointment from past relationships it almost seems better to just “go it alone”
    But I think that’s a very lonely place to be. Deep down we all have the need to be loved and feel that we’re part of something special.
    We just have to keep trying. I keep telling myself everyday that one day I’ll find the right woman and I believe that one day you’ll find the right man.
    As long as there is life there is hope.
    Love will find a way

    • Sisserou
      September 3, 2018

      Man just let Bella hook you up. :-D

    • waypapa
      September 3, 2018

      Confused too its not all about finding somebody to make you happy because you will end up worse. First find happiness within yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company cuz if you don’t enjoy being with yourself how can others enjoy being with you? Find your peace and what gives you joy, then work from there. Its depending on someone to make us happy that cause us to be bouncing from one bad relationship to the other. We need to learn how to bring ourselves joy first then we can share that joy with others. People are attracted to the confidence in you.

      • Confused in Silence too
        September 3, 2018

        @ waypapa, sometimes it’s easier said than done.
        It doesn’t matter how much you love yourself or how much confidence the opposite sex is attracted to. Most times it all comes down to “being unlucky in love”
        Sometimes you give everything to somebody and they let you down. But you just have to keep moving on and keep trying and keep hoping that it will all work out in the end.
        Is either that or you end up alone in a house and, God forbid, something fatal happen to you in the middle of the night and they “discover” you a couple days later.
        We cannot give up on love. If there is no love then everything thing else means nothing.
        We just have to keep on believing and hoping and praying.
        Love will find a way.

      • waypapa
        September 5, 2018

        Confused too I do agree its easier said than done that’s why therapy is good. It will teach coping mechanisms. Giving everything to somebody in expectation that they will love you is never a good idea. Expect nothing in return so you wont be disappointed but if things turn out good you will be pleased. It is also true that some people are unlucky in love but I have found out that its because of whom they chose. They have a certain type in mind and some times they are not compartible. Its better to live free and be cautious the right one will come along. Amidst all the stresses and badluck in live still live in hope! Its hard, I know but we cant give up as long as we are alive. Sometimes when you get caught up in your own life loves comes around.

    • DA Fails
      September 3, 2018

      Real Talk :!: :-o

    • zandoli
      September 4, 2018

      With so many dating apps, I am surprised you have trouble meeting women. Surly if you meet enough, there must be one in the bunch that will be wife material.

  9. Sams
    September 3, 2018

    Get a life lady grow up

    • Silver fox
      September 3, 2018

      Am sure glad i do not have you as a rool model or a friend.

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