DEAR BELLA: I married someone I don’t love

Dear BellaDear Bella,

I am in trouble. I married someone I don’t love. At least not in a romantic way.

The thing is I was raised poor and I didn’t have much to go around. I always dreamt of living a life where I could eat and afford anything I wanted and I made a vow never to marry someone who cannot provide for me.

Well there came a man who is -as we say in Dominica- “well off”. He fell in love with me. During the time, we dated he gave me all and sundry. I was never broke and I transformed from looking trashy to classy.

He asked me to marry him about nine months after we met and I said yes.

Now we live together. He provides everything for me but I sometimes look at him and realize I have no real attraction for him.

Bella, I think I don’t really love him. Now I am stuck in a marriage and I am not happy although I have everything I want. Oh by the way, he is 60 and I am 35.

What should I do?

Haunted

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Dear Haunted,

It hurts to get letters like yours. When I started reading, all I could hear was “money can’t buy you love.”

That old saying still proves to be true today and in your case, you will never be happy, regardless of the amount of material things you possess, or how much money your husband can give to you.

You feel like you made a smart decision by marrying this man for his money but you knew there’d be compromises. So brace yourself for some tough decisions. It’s your fault.

And if you’re reading that and wincing because it seems like I’m placing the blame squarely on our decision, guess what? I am.

You need to be honest with your husband. Let him know exactly what you just wrote – that you married him because you felt he was a form of security and not because of love.

If you fail to do this, then you run the risk of being a bored, miserable housewife, stuck with someone you don’t love, while depriving yourself and your husband of real happiness.

I hope you can find the willpower to talk to your husband.

I pray he’s one of those men who can face the truth and move on in peace because if he’s not, then you may want to prepare for some backlash. As I said early-brace yourself.

These endings are never happy.

Best,
Bella

Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at news@dominicanewsonline.com. Dear Bella is published every Wednesday. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.

Disclaimer: The comments on this page do not necessarily reflect the views of DominicaNewsOnline.com/Duravision Inc. All comments are approved by DominicaNewsOnline.com before they are posted. We never censor based on political or ideological points of view, but we do try to maintain a sensible balance between free speech and responsible moderating.

We will delete comments that:

  • violate or infringe the rights of any person, are defamatory or harassing or include personal attacks
  • are abusive, profane or offensive
  • contain material which violates or encourages others to violate any applicable law
  • promote hatred of any kind
  • refer to people arrested or charged with a crime as though they had been found guilty
  • contain links to "chain letters", pornographic or obscene movies or graphic images
  • are excessively long and off-message

See our full comment/user policy/agreement.

61 Comments

  1. budman
    March 24, 2017

    i can be the side piece

  2. MR. PROLIFIC
    March 23, 2017

    At 60 you are still young and capable with the right person. when you meet this man you were no virgin. LIVE him alone and go back to your old dump.In trouble what, you are not tied up just leave. Him being a good and honest person thought he was helping some one in need and expect gratitude in return. Now look it.just go.

  3. UDOHREADYET
    March 23, 2017

    wow 25 years age difference!!! that’s a lot.
    Also depends on how you look and how he looks but it seems that you married for money and not love and you got what you wanted!

    its likely also the man feels the same way about you, people tend to loose interest if their relationships are unbalanced, for instance if one person is doing all the giving and another all the taking!

    Also you may not believe it but you thinking exactly the way of someone who wants to defeat her own self… I say that becasue if your family was poor there is a reason why they were poor. Your mindset is likely keeping you in the cycle of poverty you were born into.

    If it was me and I was you, I would use the opportunity to get an education and reach the highest levels academically you can push yourself to reach. maybe then you will feel like an equal in the relationship and understand that love comes in many forms!

    but damn 25 years age difference, that’s plenty!

  4. March 23, 2017

    Many of the comments on this page are irresponsible and misleading. These are people with no education, training, or background to be dealing with such issues. The best they can do is speak out of their own life experience which I expect is rather messed up.

    You should realize that this is a human being you are dealing with and a future you are addressing.
    Not only that but their children and grandchildren could be affected by whatever advice they follow.

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.

    • March 25, 2017

      Rev. I think you have too much time on your hands; you’re ALWAYS on here, posting. you are not me who is a likkle nobody. Don’t you have souls to save? Don’t you have souls to witness to?

      • March 29, 2017

        I expect I wrote something that offended you and this is the reason behind your reply.

        Most of my comments are written to help people by sharing the truth of the word of God with them. I am a minister and the director of an international ministry. This is one of the things I do. Sorry if it troubles you. If you do not like my comments you do not have to read them. If the ADMIN does not think thy are suitable for DNO they have a right to delete them.

        You should ask yourself *Is any truth in what he says and does it apply to me :?: *

        There are commentators with less education and experience than myself writing replies and they are posted in spite of the fact that some of them are foolish and frankly some are downright vulgar.

        Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.

    • SMH......
      March 29, 2017

      No..No…No….Rev You are very judgmental and feel superior its called “Post a Comment” why do you feel
      the need to judge and look your nose down like you are so damn perfect. You are really getting on my last nerve. Post your comment give your sage wisdom without being so damn superior and uptight, like
      you are Mr. Perfect. Its people like you who have a whole ton of skeletons in your closet and deep dirty dark secrets that some of us would cringe to know. Look please stop with the judging and criticizing smh :mrgreen:

  5. March 23, 2017

    Haunted:

    Here are things you should be thankful for.

    (1) You have a legal marriage.
    (2) You married a man who treated you well.
    (3) You have all you want so obviously he is a good provider.

    Here is a fact you can use to your advantage.

    It is what you DO that creates your FEELINGS. Doing good things will create positive feelings. It was a famous psychologist by the name of William James author of PRINCILES OF PSYCHOLOGY Volumes 1 & 2
    who gave us this fact many years ago. However what is more important to me as a minister of the gospel and a pastoral counselor is that fact that Christ included this in His teachings in the first century :!: After instructing His followers He said *If ye know these things happy are ye if ye do them.* (John 13:17)

    Instead of tearing down what you have I advise you to begin to build upon it! Resolve to be the very best wife you can possibly be and let the change take place within you.

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.

    • UDOHREADYET
      March 23, 2017

      @Rev very well stated!

    • budman
      March 24, 2017

      she should be thankful that she is in a legal marriage? a legal marriage that is a sham because she knowingly married for the wrong reasons? but despite that, as long as its legal, she should be thankful? this is the sort of thinking that you use and counsel people? jeeez!

  6. bigger
    March 23, 2017

    Sparrow said age is just a number it’s immaterial whether you are 60 or 40. at the beginning of any relationship it’s all systems go. It use to be three or four times a week now it’s about once a week that’s life.

    There are lots of young men that is incapable of standing up to expectations causing their young ladies to be frustrated and that leaves mature men like myself to fill in the gaps. I am not bragging. The secret is to take care of your body by keeping yourself healthy stop putting nasty chemicals in your body and all will be right on the night. There was a man in Grandbay that fathered a child with his young wife at age 72. He is the spitting image of his dad so there you are.

  7. mary waner
    March 23, 2017

    it is better to struggle with someone u love,than to marry someone with money u dont love at all,u going to feel it after

  8. oh snap
    March 23, 2017

    It’s funny how some people on here are saying he took advantage of her because of her poor situation. Like she couldn’t rationalize the situation for herself back then, and now she see good life she can suddenly understand right from wrong. Methinks she most likely met someone around her own age and find the husband too old all of a sudden. I wonder how long they’ve been married?

  9. Mac
    March 22, 2017

    I can send him some Phil.Kawet that should make you love him

  10. March 22, 2017

    Please tell me difference between you and the prostitute on the street.

    • March 24, 2017

      Unfortunately she is not alone.

      Some woman do marry for money or material gain. This is not much above a prostitute mentality.

      Couples should see a pastor for marriage counseling before they marry. Not just any pastor. It should be one who does counselling and is recommended.

      A qualified marriage counselor will ask you the right questions. It is important to be sure you and your
      companion are on the same page. (a) You should both want the same things in marriage. (b) You should agree on such things as sex, your education, your careers (will you both work :?:) money, children, the discipline of the kids, where you will live, in-laws, etc. In exploring these areas of married life together the counselor helps you come to an agreement and lay a good foundation for years to come.

      A marriage that is based upon the word of God can be happy and enduring :!:

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.

  11. March 22, 2017

    People will always have differing opinions…..notwithstanding, Bella, top drawer advice.

  12. chick chick
    March 22, 2017

    You marry for chicken and fries!

  13. Man bites Dogs
    March 22, 2017

    Dear Bella, I think you are right to say it’s her fault, a poor woman wanted the best things in life nice car house eat out in top restaurants, he asked her to be his wife she said yes, Now this gold dicker is saying the man is 60 and she is 35 did not she know that before? Or is it possible this woman have got a young man dicking the yam for her.

  14. March 22, 2017

    Good for him, they want young women, and they can’t even perform in bed. Girl take all you can get. Put a towel on your face while ………. these ole men too north

  15. Best Advice
    March 22, 2017

    My Dear you were the vulnerable one, facing unpleasant circumstances. Your husband took advantage of your poverty to enjoy some young flesh. As most men are, he was a predator and you were the prey. Your feelings now are just part of the punishment that this man will have to endure for his arrogance, lust fullness and ignorance thinking he can fully satisfy a woman twenty five years younger than himself because he has money. Darling once you feel like you are financially secure do whatever you feel will make you happy and whatever pain this man feels is well deserved….. It is his fault, he was wealthy enough and experienced enough to know better, while you were a victim of poverty who acted in desperation.

    • Man bites Dogs
      March 22, 2017

      @ Best Advice, your comments stinks and do not bring your nasty personal problems on to us please.

    • 1979
      March 23, 2017

      because the man didn’t marry a bitter old toad, he deserves his pain??? Ok lilith……

      • smh....
        March 31, 2017

        At what age does someone become a bitter old toad ???

  16. Danziger
    March 22, 2017

    Girl if you’re not satisfied with the thing go Jarry, Guadeloupe, in the sex shop. Buy a vibrator and you will be happy with your husband, you marry the man give him love eles you will hurt his feelings. Money can’t buy LOVE. CHERRISH YR MAN and take care of him cuz a good MAN IS HARD TO FIND HONESTY is such a lovely word.

  17. marie-claire R Skerrit
    March 22, 2017

    This woman is a dirty low down Sal. As the good saying goes what you dow have dow let it burn your eyes. You was too fast. De man should pitch you to the said so you can go back to your old wavet trashy looking ways. A shame

  18. De Dread
    March 22, 2017

    To all the “well off” men out there who are 60 and their wife is 35 reading this story, CHECK YOUR BED you have a traitor on board.

  19. Reasoning
    March 22, 2017

    I find you to be a young woman to sho :?: uld start paving your own way in life based on your upbringing which you were aware of! Why would you want to expect to meet someone who will make life good for you based on your wants :?: Now you’ve got your desire,but your heart still require and your life is burning like fire! We can not always have all what we wish for, we lose some and gain some! Now to this man who used his financial position to impose himself on woman way younger than him! :?: At your age,you are proposing a woman marriage after nine months of being involved with her!

  20. Lady Gaga
    March 22, 2017

    Girl, u married the man for money, however now is not the time to develop a conscience. Not all things are worth saying to someone who loves you. Many “for love” marriages turn lacklustre later or end in acrimony. Keep your mouth shut, enjoy your glam and learn to love your husband. Forget that nonsence about telling the man that you married him for money…sa e est ? Ou porcor mort ou ca confesay ?

    • DA Girl
      March 22, 2017

      Totally agree. Despite the age difference you were not a child when you entered into this relationship and knew what you wanted. This may not be happening now but many marriages were based on wealth and status and love came after. Maybe if you focus on your husband, your marriage and work at it you may develop that attraction for him. Do you know your husband, what he likes etc. You say that he’s in love with you. You didn’t mention anything about faithfulness. It however sounds like he’s devoted to you. So you owe it to him to give it a chance (age is just a number).

  21. ?
    March 22, 2017

    Just stay for 10 more years. Lol

    • FED UP
      March 23, 2017

      Exactly – he won’t last much longer!

  22. Fun&Frolic
    March 22, 2017

    Marriage is the root cause of all divorce. Tread carefully, my peeps.

  23. papa
    March 22, 2017

    Girl stay in your business he soon dead

  24. The Eel
    March 22, 2017

    You cannot advise a person in that situation. She came on line through guilty conscience. She surely having another man who cannot offer anything except the big bamboo. Move out of the house and let him know you won’t be coming back, but ofcourse his swet you don’t want to leave behind.Gold diggers always stay lonely and unhappy.

  25. Greg Cadette possie
    March 22, 2017

    Check me I will solve all your problems for you. You will eat lobster And macaroni, pizza and cheese all day.

    • Rabbit Fest
      March 24, 2017

      Good job greggie

  26. Dear "Love"
    March 22, 2017

    Its funny how we make decisions but not think of the consequence. How you made your bed, you lay in it. Enjoy the money my girl.. love fades anyway! When you feel unhappy, buy a ticket to Las Vegas.

  27. Shameless
    March 22, 2017

    Hey, girl stay where you are and enjoy the goods that come with that. Apparently he wanted a young trophy wife and he has you. Though you did not say that , but I suspect you are not being satisfied during \”bedroom meal time\” 8) . So work your thing and get your groove on but be discrete about it 8) . And don\’t give a hoot what people may say because if you are not happy you can\’t make him happy 8) .

    Happy wife, happy life! Now let the hypocrites jump on my BIG, STRONG back.
    Assertive like the rod of Moses! :twisted:

    • analy thomas
      March 22, 2017

      “So work your thing and get your groove on but be discrete about it” . And don\’t give a hoot what people may say because if you are not happy you can\’t make him happy”
      This is wrong advice young lady! You cannot be unhappy here on earth and still be tormented also in hell! Be careful! Many of us make decisions without weighing the options and end up in emotional and physical distress but there is a way out. This is exactly why there should be sound counseling to at least help you understand what marriage is about and not to drive you into it.
      The bible talks about the wicked and it includes those who chose not to follow the laws and statutes of Jesus Christ.
      You are already married therefore your next move is how do you go about fulfilling your marriage needs.
      Firstly, you need to go on your knees and talk to God about it! If you are not born again, now may be the perfect time to know who God really is. I am not talking about going to a church to jump about and live a…

      • analy thomas
        March 22, 2017

        continuation:
        but be true to yourself and ask God forgiveness for all that may not be right in your heart. When you truthfully seek him, he will open up to you and begin to reveal your strengths and weaknesses. You have to be consistent and truthful.
        No man has the answers to our problems in life. You may be the heaviest person, he will make you as light as a feather… emotionally. he will give you peace.. knowledge… he may even do things for you that you have never asked for.
        Trust me lady i know. He is alive and don’t let anyone fool you!
        Read the books of Corinthians in the bible and you will get many answers.
        whether they help you or not will depend on how well you have accepted his word.
        We cannot negate the physical realm but i want you to know that most things which happen physically are influenced by the spiritual realm, one way or another.
        This must help.
        Just trust in these words and do exactly as i advise. It’s your choice.
        may God’s name be praised.

  28. oh snap
    March 22, 2017

    Great advice, it’s not a pity show so you have to be straight and that’s exactly how you went. Keep it up

  29. jihan
    March 22, 2017

    You are a greedy woman,you married for the fabs in life,anothe woman would be honest with this man,but am sure he is getting what he deserves,am sure he waked out on his first family for you.

    • As if
      March 22, 2017

      Am okkk. Relax.

      “but am sure he is getting what he deserves,am sure he waked out on his first family for you.” Was that even necessary. Because he is advanced in age doesn’t mean he had a first family. Stop venting on DNO

    • Peace
      March 23, 2017

      Scorned???

  30. zandoli
    March 22, 2017

    Way to go Bella with your judgmental self. You claim to be an advise columnist, and instead of giving guidance, you state “It’s your fault”….and then you follow with this ….”And if you’re reading that and wincing because it seems like I’m placing the blame squarely on our decision, guess what? I am.”

    I think you should give up giving people advice. As a matter of fact, I think you need some advice yourself.

    • no name
      March 22, 2017

      I agree with Bella. Some of those young girls just want sweet life and using older men to get it. It’s her fault. She is not even trying to say she will try to love him, just maybe she will start to get feelings for him. No she get the sweet life and she want to move on to someone else, and guess what she will file for divorce and try and take all what he have as well, eventhough she know she only marry him for what she can get.

    • De Dread
      March 22, 2017

      Can I give this comment a million thumbs up, Bella is the worst advice columnist ever.

    • Juliana S
      March 22, 2017

      :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D all you have kicks and more kicks . laughter is good for the soul. T
      hanks for the laughs.

    • Man bites Dogs
      March 22, 2017

      @ zandoli, you are talking donkey crap, Bella is right to say what she did Zandoli you have no judgments or common sense to talk so shut it.

    • LawieBawie
      March 23, 2017

      If Bella’s advice bothers you so much why do you keep on reading her blog? There are a lot more articles in here that can keep you occupied all day.

  31. Simpathy
    March 22, 2017

    Brouch!! So sad. Someone’s gonna be devastated and heartbroken. He may even hate you knowing that he married you because he loved you and you married him for vanity. You’re so mean and vain!

  32. Peace
    March 22, 2017

    Romeo and Juliette, were very much in love when they were wed
    They kept all their vows
    But where are they now
    They’re dead! Dead! Very, very dead.

    Romantic love is fleeting. It does not last. What is important is having someone who you can count on; who has your back; who is going to be there. Love won’t pay the mortgage or put porridge in your bowl, girl.

    • nonamegal
      March 22, 2017

      Yea Peace but you don’t want to have chemistry with the person you are married to. Like when he touches you or looks at you, you feel little butterflies. Jeez! What’s the point of a loveless life?? Best you stay by yourself.

      • Peace
        March 23, 2017

        What’s the life expectancy of a butterfly?

  33. nonamegal
    March 22, 2017

    I find Bella should have a separate email from news@dominicanewsonline.com.

    Good advice, Bella!

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

:) :-D :wink: :( 8-O :lol: :-| :cry: 8) :-? :-P :-x :?: :oops: :twisted: :mrgreen: more »

 characters available