Dear Bella,
I’m 21 and plain blank confused. My love life is different and I mean DIFFERENT…so I’m in (or may not be as he can’t be with someone outside his religion) a relationship with the perfect person. He is a true gentleman: God fearing, respectful, modest, talented, handsome, fit, kind, patient and all the qualities that I wanted in a man.
The thing is we are on opposite spectrums. I like going out to hikes on weekends whilst he wants to go church. I like going out to casual outings with cultural music whereas he does not.
I fell in love with him for all of these reasons but I have changed since then. Of course, he is a dedicated Christian: NO SEX before marriage and Lord know that’s not an easy road.
For the first years, it was easy, but I’ve cheated, I’ve kissed someone else. Basically, I have a side chick. I’m not in love with the side man but he does what my boyfriend won’t do: gives me back massages, kisses me more than once a week and go on hikes with me.
I love my boyfriend but I’m afraid we won’t last because of conflicting interests, but God knows I love him soooo much but I’m human and would at least appreciate him entering my house even if I’m not home.
Should I fix it and suck it up because he is the best thing to happen to me or should i follow my wits?
signed,
I love my main
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Dear I love my main,
Sometimes we use that word love and we don’t truly understand what it means and your case is a perfect example.
Love is patience first and foremost and from what you’ve said you don’t have the tolerance to wait on this man. Your concern seems to be more linked to the flesh. You mentioned kissing; going out; sex and massages.
Don’t get me wrong; all of that is fine but if you claim that you cheated because you lack these things which he’s not providing for, then you don’t love this man.
There’s nothing wrong in a man who wants to seek God. Actually, I think its very sexy and perhaps that’s the reason why your worlds are not connecting because you all are on different paths. I don’t think this match is made in heaven.
It makes no sense stringing this “perfect” man along while you enjoy your “side chick”.
Find someone who is probably more suited for your kind of lifestyle.
It is clear that you’re not interested in half the things your “main” man is into.
Best
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published every Wednesday. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
Sstupes
If you two were the exact same way… neither of you would develop as people.
Most relationships are about compromise… bring him on hikes every other week and the week you two are not hiking, go to church with him.
Life is about balance… this isn’t a love issue its a personal development issue. Women like to attribute everything to love ad their relationship whereas its two individuals! learning to love each other not love keeping two individuals together as most people think!
Learn to love the person for their best qualities and show them your best qualities so they can love you back… love isn’t free, you have to bring something to the table besides just your presence.
my girl if you know what is better for you, ask god to forgive you and go meet your Christian man. God will punish you if you continue this behavior and you will never find another man like that. You will suffer for this you will get a man that will treat you like trash …you know how much women go through and wish they had a man like that.. peace be with you and take my advice go and ask god for forgiveness and leave that side chick alone…
“He is a true gentleman: God fearing, respectful, modest, talented, handsome, fit, kind, patient and all the qualities that I wanted in a man.”
THIS MEANS HE GIVES HER MONEY. SO MY GIRL HAVE ONE MAN TO SUPPORT HER, AND ANOTHER MAN TO SATISFY HER. A BIRD CAN’T FLY WITH ONE WING.
The devil comes in all forms and shapes, If you are a christian you will not be speaking like that, God help you Leave that nice man alone and go your way. and I pray that god give him insight to see what a devil you are.
If you were really in love with him you Not cheat…here is some scriptures to open your mind..(Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible promotes complete abstinence before marriage.
I pray you tell him and ask for forgiveness soon…god help you.
Fummy:
Thank you for your comment.
You have given us the word of God. What you have written is absolutely true. This is exactly how it is.
If people do not accept the Holy Scriptures there is nothing left for them but the judgment of God. It is the same for the nation as it is for an individual.
You are correct. The Bible does call for complete abstinence before marriage. The scriptures you have shared with us speak for themselves. Many of the problems in your nation and mine can be traced back to disobedience to this single commandment *Flee fornication… * (1 Corinthians 6:18) In the wake of this
rebellion we have STD including AIDS, illegitimacy, forced marriages, young girls dropping out of school,
single mothers struggling alone to raise a family, children growing up without a father in the home, lack of a father image. Further on this results in young men in trouble with the law, drug problems, and crime.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill
The hypocrisy with which people talk about love is some strange feeling. You can actually love someone but that person does not rock you boat and thats the true fact of the human being. you can love someone but may not be sexual attracted to that person. So many people are stuck in unsatisfied marriages. Young lady you know how you are feeling right now leave that man alone you will only break his heart let him find someone of his own character and mannerism. Being in a relationship with someone where you are not satisfied in every way is a punishment itself. Run while you can.he is showing who he is and you do not like it.
She could simply start a weekend hiking group in the church.. its not the guy that the problem is sex she want
The sin you are rolling around like a sweet morsel in your mouth is robbing you of any better judgment you might have once had.
You need to surrender your life to God. This means to turn away from sin and receive Jesus Christ as your personal Savior according to John 1:12 and Revelation 3:20. We do this by believing that He died for our sins as it says in Romans 5:6-8, and asking Him to come into our hearts and save us.
Begin to read your Bible and live by the moral code God has given us. It says *Flee fornication…* in 1 Corinthians 6:18. Fornication is the English translation of the Greek New Testament word PORNEIA which means illicit sex. It is any type of sex outside a Biblical one man and one woman marriage; it includes premarital sex, extramarital sex, homosexuality, and bestiality.
When you are saved your life changes! Old things pass away, and all things become new as the word of God promises in 2 Corinthians 5:17,18. Read it
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.
Rev the only “old thing that will past away” is mister when corn/ horn start growing in his head for all to see. The hikerman well niceeeee eating his steak on a very regular basis.
. Check your seen rev because you might become lucky too. 
Very Assertive!
Your comment makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I guess that is why you did not use your name, and so far 2017-02-09 nobody has replied to you.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.
That;s dumb all through
Either this is a made up story for entertainment or U are a joker.It makes no sense stringing this “perfect” man along while you enjoy your “side chick”. suggests Bella when you are already banging the side kick
Why should he visit ur house even if you are not there more dumb stuff.
Find someone who is probably more suited for your kind of lifestyle. Bella she already has or it’s U bella asking and answering lol
if loving him is wrong I don’t want to be write, think about that
You have ten senses and you still not “right”
Then be wrong and go to hell.
Sorry, there is no alternative.
Your answer is not a smart one.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.
Don’t blame the individual, blame religion
It is the fault of the individual if he (or she) follows religion instead of the Bible which is the word of God.
It is also the fault of the individual if he (or she) follows a false religion.
It is written:
* To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them. * (Isaiah 8:20)
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.
Good men are so hard to find, you get a good one and you forming the fool. Well my dear he is not your type release him so that he can meet a faithful young lady
The girl need some serious water in her wine and you there talking about good man. Which good man does sleep on himself so? Cashacou mister come out man? Mister need a shoff-bonda-ma-jack light under his button.
Very Assertive!
Let him sleep on him . If I was your side man I would charge your man for my services performed on his behalf. He too sort. Religion or no religion a girl needs a smile on her face every now and then so get your groove on. If help is still needed to make your smile a laugh pleaseeee hit me u Mister forget the phrase; “every mouth shall be fed”. Girl take your thing tan and keep it on the down low until mister awake from his slumber.
Very Assertive!
What a stupid answer. This “Bella” is a Christian so she gave this biased answer. SEX AND INTIMACY IS VERY IMPORTANT IN A RELATIONSHIP. A relationship will go nowhere without these two things. Unless, you both agree to abstain. Congratulations to him for sticking to his beliefs but he’s not giving you what you want from the relationship and I suggest you leave. You may love him but you have different lifestyles. You probably won’t even get married anyway since he has issues with your denomination. Why stay with a man who does nothing for you? That “love is patience” is bull . Don’t stay in a relationship where you’re not happy.
To ignore the word of God and reject His commandments does not lead to a good life.
These are the people who are having avoidable health issues, addiction problems, are suicidal, checking themselves into a psych ward, or writing to Bella. They are going from man to man, or woman to woman,
trying to escape the conflict of their current unsatisfying domestic arrangement, and finding nothing works.
Oh, that they would turn to Christ who said * The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. * (John 10:10)
This is a life that is so full it overflows. It is bestowed upon all those who RECEIVE Christ as their Savior
by BELIEVING His death on the cross paid the penalty for their sins once and for all and God raised Him from the dead to show He was satisfied with that offering.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.
Please leave this true Christian man for a real Christian woman and continue going on hikes and kissing your side chick!
Ya’ll women are too much!
If you have to get a sidechick then he is not for you. why would you want to hold unto a man with whom you have nothing in common? You are not in love with him, you are in love with the idea of him, his positive sides but you do not love him so let him be. There are many young women waiting for a man like and because they share his values.
Sister u r lucky to have a man like that dey r had to come by women like me need to find men like him u r a woman of this world honey change ur attitude, morals, an life style a god fearing man is had to find
You come online and admit you commit aldultry,you don’t care if your bills are paid and the children are well fed, all you want is the big bamboo and a man to share your daughter with you. Leave the family home now
Lol
Bella, I have been reading a few of your replies, I my opinion it always come across as bias.
This reply for instance is simply. She loves the man but she is not in love with him. She loves him like a friend and because they have been together for so long she is confused. It could also mean that she had no one to show her the different types of love, therefore she only understand the one.
Regardless, she is young enough at 21 to learn the different degrees of love and understand that it is not about the ‘perfect’ guy, but rather the BEST YOUNG.
Girl run. There’s this friend of mine who had a boyfriend who was a christian and wanted no sex till after marriage. The got married and she had no idea what a (come) feels like from him for almost 5 years. Not me, if is one way God has to punish me is for sex before marriage.
SMH….to disrespect God like that is a shame. The wages of sin is DEATH but the gift of God is eternal Life. I pray for deliverance for you MUDD….
That is what lack of communication cause. Couples should communicate their needs and wants, displeasure etc etc instead of embarrassing their partner by putting their private business outside.
What will it profit you to gain the world and loose your soul. Fornication is wrong and you should strive to abstain. Its not easy (because i know) but it is possible.