DEAR BELLA: My husband might not be the father

Dear BellaDear Bella,

My husband and I have three beautiful children together. Two are in high school, while the youngest is in primary school. We have a happy home, not perfect but which family is?

However, something has been on my conscience for years and now I’m wondering if I should clear my conscience and cause pain to my family or keep things to myself. I had an affair with a co-worker around the time I got pregnant with my last child. To be honest I am not sure if my co-worker or my husband is the father. My youngest child looks different from the others, they’re thinner and more light-skinned.

I’m sure my husband is probably wondering why this is so.

Should I confess?

M

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Dear M,

The first thing you should do is confess to your husband what you did. Then you need to take a paternity test to determine if he is the father of your youngest child.

If he isn’t you would have to let your coworker know that he has fathered your child. These situations are never easy but it is better knowing than living with a question mark over your head.

Some marriages don’t survive such ordeals and some are salvaged depending on the love you share for each other and how important the word of God is in your marriage.

Some people go to their graves with dark secrets such as these and I am pleased that you want to make it right. If this is any comfort to you, love keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I pray that the love you and your husband share can withstand this shaking.

Best
Bella

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46 Comments

  1. LOVE
    June 19, 2017

    Maam you need to tell your husband. When u married, you and your husbsnd became one…. Living in a lie will only destroy your marriage more. Yes you broke trust in your marriage but living a lie for more years will hurt more… what if something happens and just so happens this coworker opens his mouth one day or for medical reasons and God forbid theres a hereditary trait and your husbands family dont have this the doctors diagnose different blood… it will be a pity if u had to tell your husband at that point… Allu that saying dont say nothing… The truth always comes to light like it or not… You dont have to tell your child yet but do not keep that secret from your husband… that is pure wickedness and selfish for your own satisfaction… at the end of the day its a child you all have a family he raised that child ‘A MAN no matter what would not just hate or blame the child , a real man would make the decision to either stick or go BUT continue to raise the child as his…

  2. mary waner
    April 19, 2017

    too much adultery going on and then they want to blame young people hmm.what does your co worker have your husband doesn’t have hmm good luck.

  3. UDOHREADYET
    April 3, 2017

    Woman…
    1. you are married
    2. you already have 2 children
    3. you had unprotected sex with a coworker and let him burst in you!
    4. you try to cover it up and have sex with your husband around the same time
    5. now the child looks different you realize you cannot hide it.
    6. if you confess to cheating, you deserve the blow back!
    7. If you keep a secret the guilt will weigh on you for the rest of your life every time you look at that child.
    8. you sound like the type of woman to tell your husband the other man rape you and you kept it a secret for all these years and you feel shame so don’t confront the man etc etc. :mrgreen:
    9. guess what… I bet the husband already know, he just not saying anything because it already happen.

  4. Blackman
    March 31, 2017

    Bella gave you wrong advice. First by virtue of the marriage the child belongs to husband, even if biologically he is not. Secondly, since you regretted God your actions God is always forgiving to those regretted and repented.
    To clear doubt take a DNA test secretly without your son knowing why his sample is taken. The coworker should volunteer blood sample.
    Even if the result proved the child belongs to the coworker biologically, don’t tell your husband, nor son. How many times we raise our wives’ children from previous relationship as our own?
    Trust breached will never be regained. Move on. No man is perfect.

    • UDOHREADYET
      April 3, 2017

      If you were the husband and had to raise another man child, I’m sure you would be singing a different tune.

    • happymother
      April 11, 2017

      I agree.

  5. March 31, 2017

    Bella, you need counseling!!!

  6. barrack
    March 30, 2017

    thats the guy who has a phd like this 9 kids in secret all u need to do is a dna and keep ur dam mouth shut if is the guy own tell him shut hes mouth too he should help u and save ur marriage and stop sexing him period if u was in a relationship and not married it would be different keep ur mouth shut in my case some so call fathers will get a heart attack cuz they are on my will i left a little something for each plus my kids

  7. March 30, 2017

    Shameless so for 18 years you would prefer the man to be wearing a jacket? For
    18 years he would have to provide for the child his basic needs, nurturing, guidance protection and all that comes with the role of a parent? And then at 18 years u would tell the child the opposite. First of all the child will be confused, the child will also think that you’re a liar and a sal as well. That’s even more wicked. I guess if u had respect for your self and your husband and overall your family this wouldn’t be the situation. When you married all of your sweetness is for you spouse. But in a mans world it’s all about searching for tightness. ???

    • March 31, 2017

      Shit happens!
      Sometimes the coworker may mit be aware of that possibility.
      Why reliving memories that will destroy lives.
      Stop cheating and keep your mouth shut?

  8. Micki
    March 30, 2017

    I find she stupid. Why not just do a dna with the man u cheated with? If its not his then ilu have nothing to worry about.

  9. Guilt is a serious thing. When your conscience is bothering you about something you did wrong it’s a GOOD thing. It simply means you regret what you did and most likely will never repeat it. Also, when a person really loves his/her spouse a truly sorrowful and apologetic confession is usually greeted with comforting or reassurances. Madam, you and you alone knows of the temperament of your husband. You know whether your husband will greet you with open arms and forgiveness or if he will get violent or walk out. You’ve been married to this man for years. In any event, it is your own conscience that will guide you in your decision to confess or not. A guilty conscience is a serious thing. Your conscience will no doubt either lead you into self-destructive behaviors or simply spilling it all out at some point whether you want to or not. It’s that same conscience that led you to confess to BELLA. What will it lead you to do next????

    • No secret
      March 31, 2017

      Hahahaha do a DNA with the man? Best she tell her husband and it stay in a circle. Time she d the DNA, the whole of Dominica knows about it. Dominica has no proffessionel secrets. Bam

  10. Guilt is a serious thing. When your conscience is bothering you about something you did wrong it’s a GOOD thing. It simply means you regret what you did and most likely will never repeat it. Also, when a person really loves his/her spouse a truly sorrowful and apologetic confession is usually greeted with comforting or reassurances. Madam, you and you alone knows of the temperament of your husband. You know whether your husband will greet you with open arms and forgiveness or if he will get violent or walk out. You’re been married to this man for years. In any event, it is your own conscience that will guide you in your decision to confess or not. A guilty conscience is a serious thing. Your conscience will no doubt either lead you into self-destructive behaviors or simply spilling it all out at some point whether you want to or not. It’s that same conscience that led you to confess to BELLA. What will it lead you to do next????

  11. March 30, 2017

    If married people would take heed to the Word of God all embarrassment could be avoided. Read Romans 7: 2-3

  12. Mrs. Maury
    March 29, 2017

    As everyone told you take the paternity test in secret no use rocking the boat and destroying your
    marriage. I’m sure you have regretted your actions and it may just be your conscience beating you
    bad idea to tell your husband, you might break his heart for no reason.

  13. Ideal
    March 29, 2017

    Girl save your marriage, just confess to God only and ask him for forgiveness. Your husband has already bonded with the kid, they are all happy why bring sorrow to your wonderful family. A mistake was made and just so you know we all make them. Think of what this is going to do, not only to your marriage but to the kid and siblings. Silence is golden.

    • concern citizen
      March 30, 2017

      Dear Ideal,
      It is not always the right thing to do,
      God only forgive our sins when we confess and fill sorry for it, but if U tell UR. husband the child is his and u go and confess to God and tell him that U are sorry that U lie to ur. husband and U go back and tell UR. husband that the child is his what do U think U are doing?

  14. Delicesinus
    March 29, 2017

    There is no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus. I know the bible also say to confess your sins one to another but it also say to use wisdom. If you confess to your husband whether or not the child is his he might leave. So My advice is to repent, ask God forgiveness for what you have done, get a paternity test while the child is young. You don’t have to tell the child. If the child is your husband”s then great. He doesn’t need to know. If she is not you will not have a choice but to tell him what happened. He will not be happy about it but he surely will need to know. God forgives and throws away the sin in the sea of forgetfulness. It’s the enemy that tries to make us think that we are no good and brings back our past to memory. Ask God to give you peace of mind when that happens.

  15. Britny
    March 29, 2017

    I thank God because no woman doing that wickedness to me better u be honest with your husband and be ready to face the dance. Lots of men have the capacity to forgive in situations like this. Be minded your husband may no more than you think. Now come clean with your husband tonight. I am warning men have ways of knowing that and staying silent by the way it could be your huzy writing that piece. Smart men make very distinct observations of thier children and can see the unual in formative years and later. Don’t be mistaken most men can definitely know if a child is his or not so don’t think you can fool this man especially if he is educated because his intuition will give you a rudeawakenting mark my words, mark my words, mark my words. One day if you don’t reveal it even nature will reveal it to him.

    • UDOHREADYET
      April 4, 2017

      you know what you talking about … a man that follows his instinct will know.

  16. Son-of-Sam
    March 29, 2017

    Save your marriage, keep you mouth shut, its better for the child and everybody involved.
    Listen to this: Tanya Stephens – Little White Lie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcumGkxszJI

  17. Dominican
    March 29, 2017

    Thinner and lightskin says nothing, but if you feel uncomofortable do the test, maybe on your own first. counseling will be necessary for both of you. Maybe you can seek assistance in somebody trustoworthy when you tell him, it can be devastating. I hope this will be resolved in the best interest of the child and your marriage will get back on track. Don’t expect miracles but just pray and trust God.

  18. HMMM
    March 29, 2017

    Take his toothbrush or hair and test for dna. No point destroying your marriage. You should try find out first,if it’s your husband’s kid then no one has to know about the affair. Trust me as a man I know I rather not know if it’s just an affair but if it’s the other guy’s kid definitely let your husband know even if the marriage may die.

  19. March 29, 2017

    No way. She should do the paternity test first, so that when she does come clean with her husband it’s with complete information one way or the other. Otherwise, if the child is his, she risks making the man have doubt about his own child for nothing, which is even more cruel than she’s already been.

  20. Grace
    March 29, 2017

    Good luck

  21. Dear "Love"
    March 29, 2017

    Here’s my advice to you. First things first,do not tell your husband because what he doesn’t know cannot hurt him. The first step you should take is getting a paternity test, if your husband is the father, you’ll be happy you did not wake up the dead.But if the child is his, then you tell him, if you don’t he will kill you when he finds out.

  22. Worry me not
    March 29, 2017

    M. There is a thing called trust you husband will never trust you again even if he say I forgive you, but in the back of his head what else is she keeping. Trust issues dead and buried right there years have gone by leave it alone. Or are you on your dying bed

  23. Worry me not
    March 29, 2017

    Bella you full of . The Bible says confess your sins to no man. First do the test What she tell the husband and then it ends up being his then what.

    Who ever you are only now, test first and then if you want to think of destroying your home fine damage you child whole life and then tell me what did you gain from it or send the child in rage and anger

  24. MR. PROLIFIC
    March 29, 2017

    Men are so beautiful and,handsome .God made man to his own image and likeness. A Son honour his father where is the honour for me. Lady the world has punished you and there is no hiding place. You know the answer to this so why come on news on line.

  25. March 29, 2017

    But Bella she said ( To be honest I am not sure if my co-worker or my husband is the father.) that means their is a third party. think she is under a lot of pressure.

  26. TINA
    March 29, 2017

    Alas….Lord the things sin can put us through. But God washes away all our sins and makes us clean. And when he does that he throws it into the sea of forgetfulness never to be remembered again. I pray all goes well. Bella i like your tone today. It was different. Compassionate and full of kindness. I guess Bella is changing. Not that i don\’t like your \”drama\” response but i guess you know when to hit hard and when to lend a shoulder. I love DNO. I look forward to this every week. Guess this makes me a typical Dominican…Rorocious

  27. marie-claire R Skerrit
    March 29, 2017

    Little Sal. Keep your mouth shut. after all them year now. Leave de man heart in place ok pal. Or you looking to kill de man by giving that news so you can collect. SMH. Nasty soul.

    • Son-of-Sam
      March 29, 2017

      She aint no “Sal” these things happen all the time.

    • March 31, 2017

      Do not put another woman down shit happens.
      Men do it all the time, get their mistress pregnant and the wives raise the children.
      Word of advise if you cheat in a relationship, unless the man catches you,
      deny it to the grave.
      If he firs not leave, he will punish you in the relationship.
      Men have an ego-he will never forgive you as oppose to a roam.

  28. good news
    March 29, 2017

    Its true you want to make things right But lady why rock the boat?
    Do the paternity test in secret and if the result is as you fear, then tell your husband.
    It will be good to know and not stress wondering. But do the paternity test before informing your husband.

  29. john crow
    March 29, 2017

    girl don’t tell the man anything don’t worry with bella the man happy and so are you leave well alone. you going to break up your marriage for one child

  30. Fran
    March 29, 2017

    I agree with only the first part of your advice, which is confessing the matter to her husband. Hopefully he can forgive and they can work on their marriage. The child was born into this marriage therefore, the husband is the father. The co-worker does not need to know anything unless it is for medical purposes and that’s if the child is his. If it turned out the co-worker is the sperm donor I think when the child is old enough he should be told and only then if he chooses to half a relationship with the co-worker, should he know anything.

  31. March 29, 2017

    oh no i dont think it is a good idea to tell ur husband.. if you still want to be married..it is all ur fault deal with the consequences.dominican men not gonna swallow this…

  32. hmm
    March 29, 2017

    Lady do the paternity test first. If it is your husband’s then you have nothing to say. If not then face your music. It makes no sense breakup your marriage for a mistake you made so long ago. Yes it was wrong but it past. Unless it’s affecting your relationship because of guilt, then you need to come clean. Otherwise, leave well alone. The only other issue you have is if that coworker somehow suspects something or if he decide he talking. Then in that case it would be better for your husband to hear it from you.
    Either way you in hot water.

  33. Wow
    March 29, 2017

    What’s done is done. So, no point asking why you had the affair and did not even protect yourself from this situation, which can become explosive. I am sure you would not want your child to marry his or her sibling so it is best to admit your unfaithfulness to your husband and prepare to offer him the option of a divorce. Hopefully, he will be willing to have a parternity test done as discreetly as possible to protect all concerned. Who knows? maybe your husband himself has his own worries about children he might have fathered in his moments of indiscretion.

  34. Redemption Songs
    March 29, 2017

    What a poor response from Bella! First, it is true that she actually had an affair with a coworker to the point that she is not even sure about the father of her child, that to me is shameful especially when considers the fact that she said that she has a happy home. Why don’t we count the cost before we act? Why didn’t she think of how having an affair could destroy a her happy home? Now having said this, unlike the advise Bella gave you, my advise is DO NOT confess that to your husband unless he really, really, seriously questions you about it and that you should do ONLY if you are convinced that telling him will do more good than harm to your family. Confession is good but we must also use wisdom especially dealing with man. Yes, we must always confess our faults and short coming to God but with flesh and blood we need a good dose of wisdom. Whether it happened or not it is shameful for men or women to be so unfaithful to each other. Your body should be for your spouse alone

  35. zandoli
    March 29, 2017

    Bella, You are definitive in your advice to spill the beans and at the end of your piece you tell her “I pray that the love you and your husband share can withstand this shaking.” I pray?

    What if the husband fathered the child, but on finding out she had an affair, walks out of the marriage? What then? Remember there are 3 kids in this family.

    Lady, if I were you, I would keep my mouth shut. If as you say you have a good relationship with your husband and you have a stable family life, unless you know he will forgive you and all is going to be well after, I suggest you keep your mouth shut.

    I can tell you this: there is a 50/50 chance your husband has had an affair(s) and you are not any the wiser. Generally, men do not confess to having affairs, so why should you?

    Leave well enough alone.

  36. Shameless
    March 29, 2017

    Oh please Bella……the bible says confess to no man 8) .

    Girl do yourself a favor and stay mooo-mooo eh. When the child is about 18yrs old call him in private and tell him your suspicions and he will have a better understanding. The child need to know who is real family is so have him take a DNA. Just maybe he will also understand why you had to do some pipe-work on the side. Let sleeping dogs lie where they are before you awaken a bi bad wild wolf that you will have to regret later.

    Assertive like the rod of Moses! :twisted:

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