I cannot get over my ‘phantom husband’

Dear BellaI have been wrestling with this decision for a long time now.

I am married for a little over ten years now but the thing is because of circumstances we have been separated for more than seven years out of the ten years.

We were not separated because of infidelity on any of our part.  We have a child together and I have been raising the child all on my own.

My husband used to visit us  during the holidays but it has been over four years now since we last saw him or heard from him.

I have remained faithful to him because I am a Christian woman but it has been so hard.

Lately I have become interested in a man but can’t seem to move on from the fact that I am still married to a ‘phantom husband’.

There is little or no hope of us getting back together but I just can’t seem to get that into my foolish head.

I don’t know what to do because the thing is I still long for my husband.

I still hope that we can get back together even though it has been so long.

How can I get over this man who still plague my heart, desire and dreams?

Please tell me what to do!



Dear Lost,

You and your husband had a marital relationship over seven years ago.  You all have been living apart since. Sweet, if your husband is not in an institution somewhere, note that he has moved on which is why you have not been seeing or hearing him for the last four years.

You need to speak with him if you have his current number/or email him.  Is he having financial difficulties? Why he has not been able to come home to see his family? Ask him to be honest with you as to whether he has found comfort in the arms of another.  If he has moved on, that reassurance will cause you to feel more comfortable to free yourself and file for a divorce.

I am sure that your love for him is simply because you married him.  You are not foolish to love your husband, but you will be foolish if your gut feeling and all signs shows that there is no relationship and you do not strengthen yourself to realize that this is a hopeless cause and you should move on.

I really hope you find the courage to do so…your only human anchor now is your child.


Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at dominicanewsonline@gmail.com. Dear Bella is published on Tuesdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.

Copyright 2012 Dominica News Online, DURAVISION INC. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or distributed.

Disclaimer: The comments on this page do not necessarily reflect the views of DominicaNewsOnline.com/Duravision Inc. All comments are approved by DominicaNewsOnline.com before they are posted. We never censor based on political or ideological points of view, but we do try to maintain a sensible balance between free speech and responsible moderating.

We will delete comments that:

  • violate or infringe the rights of any person, are defamatory or harassing or include personal attacks
  • a reasonable person would consider abusive or profane
  • contain material which violates or encourages others to violate any applicable law
  • promote hatred of any kind
  • refer to people arrested or charged with a crime as though they had been found guilty
  • contain links to "chain letters", pornographic or obscene movies or graphic images
  • are excessively long and off-topic

See our full comment/user policy/agreement.


  1. July 4, 2014


    It has been a year since you wrote your letter. Much could have changed since then. But if you are still in “limbo” here is sound Biblical counseling if you will accept it. The right decision on your part must be based upon the following facts.

    (1) You consider yourself a Christian. So we will use this as our starting point.

    (2) Since your husband has left you and his child and has not contacted you in all this time you have no reason to consider him a Christian. A believer in Christ does not live this way. He is an unbeliever.

    Read 1 Corinthians 7:13-15. Verse 15 says “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases.” Many churches take the position that this means if you are a Christian and your husband is not, if he leaves you he is taking himself out of your life. For all intents and purposes it is as if he is dead.

    It is important to let your guidance come from the Bible, the Word of God. What is this verse of scripture saying to you? What are you comfortable with?

    If you are a Christian God does not allow you to marry an unbeliever according to 2 Corinthians 6:1.4. Any man a Christian woman marries must be a Christian. The same principle applies to a Christian man. He can only marry a Christian woman.

    If you are part of a church fellowship you may wish to discuss these scripture passages with your pastor. He is best able to explain how your church applies these scriptures.

    Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

  2. FIRE........FIRE....
    October 30, 2013

    I think some Taliban kidnap mista, he in jail, he has amnesia,or he mawou you. That is no movie script it is real life…..you are human/woman move on…you’re not his mamma….

  3. bebe
    October 26, 2013

    god lovos you

  4. larisous972
    October 23, 2013

    move on

  5. Mahaut
    October 23, 2013

    Knock some sense into your head

  6. aa
    October 23, 2013

    Lost n confused
    You still love your husband n u in love with another? Get help.

  7. cheat
    October 22, 2013

    How can u get over him? by getting with another man!!!!!! or else, sit n wait for him n see if he will ever come back. he doesnt want u anymore! he has moved on. just accept that n u will see how fast u will know how to get over him!and dont worry with those people that tell u wait for him cause they wouldnt wait for any man for seven years n counting.

    • cheat
      October 22, 2013

      *sorry four years

    • Anonymous
      October 26, 2013

      marriage is still honourable and the whoever breaks this rule is very foolish

      • May 13, 2015

        The institution called marriage is honourable but unfortunately many marriage people do not treat it honourably.

        Some people marry with no intention of keeping their marriage vows. Their attitude is if it works out well and good but if not I’ll just walk away from it.

        This is doing something under false pretenses. I believe marriage is sacred and for life. But I question the validity (in the sight of God) of such a ceremony. If you are a born again believer (a true Christian) and you have been misled into this kind of “marriage”. This man is not a Christian. I could not fault you for getting a legal divorce. I say this because your partner obviously did not mean it when he said his vows. He was lying to deceive you. Had he meant his vows he would still be with you.

        Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.

  8. T mama
    October 22, 2013

    File for divorce and try to move on…life is not waiting for you…..

  9. Shameless
    October 22, 2013

    Cee ou mal maryey demaryeyey! :mrgreen:

    Girl, go get your groove on and stop that nonsense. But, Change Must Come even where there is no love.
    Assertive, NOT Agressive! :twisted:

  10. Incomplete story
    October 22, 2013

    Bella that story is missing salt. I suspect that “lOST” knows the man has gone back to his wife or girlfriend and the hurt is real. In situations like this sympathy cannot help. Girl get yourself a new man. End of story.

    October 22, 2013

    Find and confront your husband. You two should be able to work out the details of your marriage as adults. 4 years of not keeping in contact is a long time.

  12. Tamar
    October 22, 2013

    dis comment shows da kind of person dat u are. CLASSLESS. where is ur dignity, ur self worth, ur pride? anyone who reads ur statement knows dat dis is EXACTLY what u do. TRASH!!!

    • Tamar
      October 22, 2013

      dis is in response to da “Big Cocot”

  13. Roseau
    October 22, 2013

    woman get on with your life; the man is gone and there are others to choose from; dont stop your life for a man who obviously doesnt care about you or his child; check me out nah!!!!! I am available. boy look kicks on DohNo

  14. Jimi Hendrix
    October 22, 2013

    I can understand if this woman said she does not know how to move on because she is deeply in love with the husband. But to inject christianity into this as a reason why she does not want to get involved with someone else, everything considered, has me believing she is behaving more like a slave to her religion.

    Lady you are a human being with feelings. Let your religious beliefs be your guide, but you cannot allow yourself to become a slave to it.

  15. Big Cocot
    October 22, 2013

    Doh worry with what Bella say To get over him you must either get UNDER a next man or go DOWN on a next man. Simple laws of motion all that fancy talkig from bella is only more stress

    • forreal
      October 22, 2013

      big cocot)well girl i could imagine what you carrying,by your advice,you have the devil in side of you,boldface well sah

    • Anonymous
      October 22, 2013

      dis comment shows da kind of person dat u are. CLASSLESS, no dignity, no self worth. everyone who reads ur statement knows dat dis is EXACTLY what u do. TRASH!!

    • July 4, 2014

      You are a vile creature with nothing to contribute.

      We do not help people by encouraging them to sin. This is the reason many of them are messed up in the first place.

      Any fool who would take your advice would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

      Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist

  16. yessa
    October 22, 2013

    youre kidding right? :-? 8-O

  17. tommy
    October 22, 2013

    You are a christian so ask God and stop asking DNO

    • snake
      October 22, 2013

      you are a fake Christian. go seek help. you are not over yr husband and wants another man. are u sick in yr head. Go read yr bible woman. u must be suffering from bipolar dysfunction.

      • Anonymous
        October 22, 2013

        Judging from your response, you must be a fake christian too

    • jesus
      October 22, 2013

      well said TOMMY. well said!

    • Anonymous
      October 22, 2013

      well said… :)

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

:) :-D :wink: :( 8-O :lol: :-| :cry: 8) :-? :-P :-x :?: :oops: :twisted: :mrgreen: more »

 characters available