Dear Bella,
I’m 17 yrs old and I seem to a have serious problem.. when I was 13, I was sexually abused by one of my teachers. I didn’t have any peace at all in school. Everybody was saying that I was pregnant and so on. This was the man who took my virginity and the day after this happened he went to St.Vincent and never returned up to this day.
YES the police were involved but as soon as I reached 16, they closed the case. Now I’m addicted to sex and I can’t help it (and I’m just 17). My boyfriend is the only one I have (been having sex) with and he seems to be fedup of me .. “sigh”. I’m in a relationship with a police now and mostly every night we sleep together. My whole life is just twisted.. I used to call myself a Christian once upon a time but not anymore because u can’t ”serve two masters at the same time”.. i have given up on myself and dont know what to do…
I need help.
J
Dear J
I would not say that you are a sex addict. You just love having sex. Sex addicts do more than have sex daily with one partner. However, if you are using sex as a way to vent anger of your past hurts, you are continuing to let that rapist have control of you. Maybe if you had gotten justice for the unmerciful act done to you, you would easier close the door. But do not give him, this rapist, the rest of your life. Always say to yourself that the stolen moment was enough and you can now fight him in your emotions, in your mind; that he will not steal anything more from you. You will lose many good relationships because you have this baggage carrying around, so you need to deal with the root source of your pain.
By giving up on everything, including yourself, you are allowing your rapist to steal more from you. Find something that you like to do, and become good at it. You keep repeating your age and that is because you know that you are very young. Your life is ahead of you. In order for you to move on triumphantly, you need to heal your past. I strongly recommend that you speak to a counselor or a psychologist who will help you to get over the hurt.
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published Tuesdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
I do not believe that you are addicted to sex, however I do believe that you are using sex as a cover up to a bigger problem. Being sexually abused at such a young age by someone you trust and look up to is very heart breaking. You have not gotten peace or justice in this situtaion and the act itself is taking over your life. I think you need to talk someone and release some of your hidden emotions on this matter. You will start to see alot more self-love and controlled sexual appetite.
hit d sidewalk….30 dollars a pop..
i think its just the hormones…. my birthday just past… and u can tell u… from july last year to july this year ive had over 30 sexual partners
… at some point i thought i to was addicted.because i went from 4 to 20’s but its just the love of it… i say to u now. just relax… and fxxk ur boyfriend all u can… get it while its goin good… ive notice that the past month. i have not been getting turned on as much, i was havin sex last week and realized i was hummin a song. and my pu$$y hasnt been gettin wet… i dnt enjoy it anymore… and it sucks how i went from being adficted to sexually frustrated
You are not alone. The sex loving is a natural response in all normal human being but like every other physical love, it must be controlled. The true value of sex is in a married relationship where you have the extra protection of the law of the land. Unloving sex (sex outside of a legally committed relationship)will bring all sorts of pain with the pleasure and at the climax of the pain you will be left naked (without protection). If you were to contract an std or get pregnant, then you would be forced to slow down or stop…so instead of waiting for something unpleasant to force you to control your drive my friend, consider the dangers and stop by yourself. Pray to Yahweh, ask him to help you and to send you someone worthy of you love and your body. It works…try it. It is a sad thing my friend to see you have given yourself to a man who was happy to use your body for a season then suddenly he gets fed up with you…now you are forced to find another man to continue with –and so the risk widens until you fall to something.
I doesn’t sound like you’re addicted to sex, it sounds like you may like sex but focus on it too much. Even to the point of pursuing relationships for the sole purpose of having sex. Some details may be missing from your letter so its difficult to determine the true nature of things. My simple advice is if you choose to have sex protect yourself and your partner and understand that a man can love you for who you are not just for sex.
but bella u giving the girl advise to talk to a someone …did you miss the part where she said she is now with a police man?…smh…i must say he surely talking to her ..every night !!!!
very heartbreaking but put your self together u have your whole life ahead don’t make this monster take your life get something positive to do,make new friend,including god mother spend time.if there someone you trust and feel comfortable enough to talk about what happened do that .and always remember to pray god heals.
It’s always the Christians… And did she really just say “I can’t serve two masters at the same time.” I’m dead.
lmfao …. im dead to
It sad sexually abused at the age of 13 years old.Its time for you to walk free The revelation of insecurity and inferiority will continue to grow in your life.As God opens your eyes you will see it affects so much of what you do.The power of the revelation of Christ to break this stronghold cannot be underestimated.You say ones you call you self a Christian were you a bornagain Christian or a double minded.Forget the police boyfriend repent serve God get baptize.But without faith it is impossible to please God,for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He or she is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
Your boyfriend is a very lucky man
Please see professional advice before it is too late.
There is quite a bit of literature out there (through Internet) on additions which you may use to educate yourself on the topic so that you will eventually have informed sessions with your counselor. But do not be afraid to seek professional advice.
I say Aman to that mr right, this is so true. hi my dear am so sorry what happen to you, you said you were a christian and you know you can’t serve two masters so you had to letgo of one but my child you let go the right master and keep the wrong one just as mr right said go back to your first love which is christ jesus boyfriend policeman will not help when they are done with you they will drop you like a hot potato god’s plan is greater be like the wise virgin you are still a virgin in the site of god only god can delîeve you so go back he is saying to you come may the peace of god rest upon you god bless you
J, please accept my deepest sympathies.
I have read or been told of very similar accounts and the effect they have on the victims, so I know you must be hurting very much and you were very courageous to express yourself. This actually is a vital step forward in the healing process.
Sexual abuse has opposite effects on different victims – it produces in some an inordinate desire for sex, while it causes others to have an aversion to sex and even to people of the opposite sex. Your description of your desires is thus understandable. But please remember, J – The abuse was NOT your fault!
I will add just two recommendations for you to consider:
1-Ask any Jehovah’s Witness you know to get you the Bible-based Awake magazine with the cover subject “Healing the Wounds of Child Abuse”. Or you could indicate to me how to get it to you. You don’t need to reveal your identity for me to get it to you.
2-Ask one of Jehovah’s Witnesses to have a weekly home Bible study with you. They do this free of charge at a time and place convenient to you, and they work in pairs. This will help you develop fine spiritual qualities, including love for God and self-control, which will help you at least not give in to wrong desires. Gal.5:19-23.
Many have successfully had their wounds of sexual abuse healed, and so can you, J, with Jehovah’s help.
Finally, according to Rev.21:4,5, in God’s new world soon to come, “the former things [such as painful memories] have passed away.”
Am i the only one who finds a problem with her new boyfriend being a police officer??? She is clearly being preyed on yet again. It is time for this child to seek some professional help with learning to love herself and what a healthy relationship looks like. It is fine to like sex but when has been sexually assaulted by an authority figure then turns around and gets in very sexual “relationship” with another man of authority there is clearly some transference going on. Please please please seek some help
Parents be careful with cousins. I was raped by my cousin at 10. My mom used to leave us with him and go to the famous Ware House Disco. He was 16 and I was 11. That guy rode me for nighrs. When I tried telling my mom she slapped me. Just imagine he died in a terrible traffic accident. I know he is roting in hell. My mom is sick now and senile
this is a fabricating! make believe.If you were forced to have sex against your will,then you would be afraid of men and now you cannot get enough? Get A JOB.tHESE SAD PEOPLE FALLING FOR THIS STORY.YOU ARE DOING IT IN PRIVATE AND NOT PUBLIC.WHAT ARE YOU A REMOTE OR HUMAN
Apparently you’re trapped in your own world, If you were to go outside and see what’s happening overseas your heart would probably give up and thing you’re in a bad dream.
ur tebeh…apparently u do not kno nothing…u tryin to sound smart man, if u were sexually abused in her case by a man, u wld either hate men or become sex slaves to men, different people handle things differently and this might just be her way of getting rid of her pain.. before u make assumptions get ur facts straight
J: BELLA and a few others have given good advice. Allow me to make a few additional comments
It is unfortunate that you were you abused by a teacher when you were 13. This person was in what we call “a position of trust”. This means the responsibility rests upon that individual not you. You were not to blame. Don’t carry it into your future. I hope you will be able to drop it.
Your more recent boyfriends including the police officer are not treating you right either. They may not be forcing themselves upon you. But sex between a man and woman who are not married to each other is a sin the Bible calls “fornication”. If you read 1 Corinthians 6:9,10, and Galatians 5:19-21 you will see how serious it is.
I agree with BELLA. I do not think you are addicted to sex. But you are in danger of becoming addicted as your body adjusts to the stimulation of sexual pleasure the craving for it becomes even greater just as it happens with alcohol or drugs.
J, because the sexual relationship you are now having with a man who is not your husband is sinful the only right thing to do is break free from it. Obviously, this man does not respect you. If he would sin with you BEFORE you are married to him he would probably sin with other women AFTERWARDS if you married him.
The best thing you can do is run from this man! You don’t owe him a fancy explanation. Just tell him you have thought it over and decided this is best for you. Don’t allow him to argue. Let him know “over” means over!
What you think is “addiction” will take care of itself. Stop feeding it and it will lose its grip on you and die. This is not something like a hunger for food that you require to live and have always had. It was produced within you by your indulgence. It will go because of your abstinence.
J, you said you called yourself a Christian but were you born again? A born again person is somebody who has – in a personal way – received Jesus Christ as his or her Savior by believing He paid the penalty for our sins by His death on the cross, and rose again, and has ask Him to come into his or her heart. Please read 1 Corinthians 15:3,4., and Revelation 3:20. If you have not had this experience I encourage you to take this step of faith now.
You are 17 years old. That is a wonderful age to be! You have a lot of time before you should become serious about a man-woman relationship. This is the time to polish off your education and
decide what you want to be in life.
I invite you to visit my website http://www.livinghopeministries.ca and click onto the EAGLE COURSE. It can be studied from the screen or copied absolutely free. The first lesson will explain more fully how to receive Christ as your Savior if you have not done so.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Dear J its sad to no u have been raped,but u calling urself a sex addict I wouldn’t say that your past is what maybe hunting u u can still be a christian baby girl go to God in prayer he can deliver u he will forgive u he can make things better for u your prayers may not be answerd right away but keep trusting God.
Let us face facts! A young lady got rapped by a man and fall in love with another man.Whenever your boyfriend made advances to you for sex,you are reluctant because it brought bad mamories.You had sex for the first time and cannot have enough.You are not doing it in public and you a not a remote. GET A PROPER JOB
A young lady got “RAPPED”?
you need some appleton ginger and lime twist.
Now you’ll want more of what you already doing and you will you ain’t doing nothing yet.
Bella congrats first time since reading your articles i found your response adequate.
You are improving man! keep it up “keep the candle burning” Brunker
is your dad part of your life because if i were your dad i would have followed this so called teacher to the ends of the world to find justice and closure for you,even if i had to beg and borrow to hunt this monster down,it is not your fault,once again ADULTS have let you down and ADULTS have taken advantage of you
J: BELLA has given you good advice and so have some of the others. I am not taking away from anything good that has already been said. But I would just like to add a few additional comments.
J, you said you used to call yourself a Christian but were you “born again” or only a church goer? A Christian is a person who has believed that Jesus Christ by His death on the cross paid the penalty IN FULL for their sins. (Read Romans 5:6,8, and 1 Corinthians 15:3,4) and asked Christ to come into their heart and save them. (Read St. John 1:12, and Revelation 3:20). If you did not do this I encourage you to take this step now. When you do God will forgive ALL your sins. (Read Ephesians 1:7, and Romans 8:1). Also this is the way we get God INTO our lives and working for us.
(1) J, you say a teacher molested you when you were 13. This was not your fault. Please do not carry this burden forward in your life. Drop it!
(2) Any boy friend you have had sex with since then has taken advantage of you. Sex between a man and woman who are not married to each other is a sin. The Bible calls it fornication. Many people are guilty of this sin but it is a serious offence in the sight of God. (Read 1 Corinthians 6:9,10, and Galatians 5:19,21) A man who would lead you on into this sin is not worthy of you. If he would sin with you BEFORE you are married – if you marry him he will probably sin with other women AFTER you are married because no matter how much he SAYS he loves you now (to get you to have sex) the truth is he does NOT respect you. J, if you want to FEEL clean and be RIGHT in the sight of God you have no choice. You MUST get out of ANY sexual relationship you are in with a man who is not your husband! Run from it! Run now!
If we sin AFTER we are born again – that is, AFTER we receive Jesus Christ as our Saviour – if we are truly sorry and confess our sins to our Father in heaven, He will forgive us. (Read 1 John 1:9,10, and 1 John 2:1.) We must confess our sins only to God ìn the name of His Son, Jesus Christ. (Read St. John 14:6)
J, you are only 17, and that is a wonderful age to be! Please for your OWN good back off from the serious man – woman stuff for a while. Give some serious thought to your education and the kind of work you feel is right for you. My wife and I were both in our very early twenties when we got married. And J, we LIVED back THEN what we preach NOW to others! We have just celebrated our 50th Wedding Anniversary. It works!
I invite you to visit our website http://www.livinghopeministries.ca and click onto the EAGLE COURSE. It can be studied from the screen or printed absolutely free. The very first lesson will explain more fully how you can receive Christ and begin the new life.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Rev. Donald Hill (Continued…)
J, You said “I am addicted to sex.” In the many comments that have been made I don’t think anybody including myself has dealt with the addiction issue fairly. In addition to what I have already said please allow me to add this.
I don’t think your present condition would qualify as “addiction” but I do think you are at risk. An addiction comes when the body adjusts to enjoy the intensity of any stimulation whether it is alcohol, drugs, or sex. When the stimulation is withdrawn the body craves it and the victim feels compelled to repeat the act.
You have said “I can’t help it…” which suggests you are in the grip of a bondage. This could become a full blown “addiction”. When this happens the individual is driven to seek sexual satisfaction with whoever is available and at times which would otherwise be considered inconvenient. An addiction begins to interfere with the person’s normal life and can get him or her into trouble with the law.
The information I am sharing with you can help you break free from this grip of bondage if you will believe it and act upon it.
J, please follow the simple advice i gave you in my previous comments. If you have not already received Jesus Christ as your personal Savior you need to do this. If you have had this experience you need to confess the sins you have committed since then and accept His forgiveness according to 1 John 1:9.
Now let’s deal with the bondage.
A sexual craving is not like the craving you have for food or drink. What is the difference? You can live without sex. You cannot live without food or drink.
Remember you said “I can’t help it…”? You didn’t always have this compulsion. This is the kind of bondage or addiction that is caused by indulgence. The more you feed that craving the stronger it becomes. The same applies to other addictions such porn, alcohol, and drugs.
If it is caused by indulgence it can be cured by abstinence. J, Stop feeding that sick desire! Let your boyfriend know it’s over.
J, I encourage you to go back to church. Rededicate your life to the Lord. Get daily devotions (Bible reading and prayer) back into your life. Work your way through the EAGLE COURSE. Begin to witness for Christ! Let the joy return!
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
you r very young, u can overcome anything. he violate u n trust me i know the feeling. i was not rape by my teacher but he luck the class door n touches my private and put his tongue in my ear after he ask me to clean the black board. i hated him wth passion, i was only 11 years. so be strong angel u can say no.
You Guys are a bunch of pack rats, you have nothing good to say about anything…they’re talking about a ravaged you child, the EYES starts talking about Wesley’a road condition…take a nap EYES!!!!!
Your hormones are going crazy ….sooner or later when you are more mature you will get over it. By the way isn’t 17 kind of underage and you getting involved with a police officer?
i would not say you are a sex addict
when it nice do it twice.
just get someone who love sex and loves u also and case close.
That is what i did and it worked out fine cause i don,t believe you love sex more than me
Why you erased my comment? Learn not to post the people names when responding to sensitive situations!
young lady please look for someone your age to be your boyfriend leanr to forgive the person that did you wrong you will never forget becuas eid didnt forget i just forgive the perosn who did me wrong people in dominica like to say didnt happen to you its all in your mind i know what happen to me.
Poor girl.
My mom told me that is any male teacher ask to talk to me alone go get a friend to come with me. I am just 11 years old on my way to high school. Tell me if my mom is right.
Not only any male teacher. Anyone who asks to talk with you alone ask a friend to come with you. Why you on here reading these kinds of stories anyway?
Dear Happy feet, I would say that your mum knows best and is looking out for your protection. You should therefore listen to her. It will not hurt to take a friend with you in that situation and if a teacher really has your best interest at heart and finds out that you took someone else there with you for your own safety, he or she will compliment you for having taken such action. So if ever you feel uncomfortable, follow your mum’s advice and follow your instincts as well!!!
Your mum is half right……. You have to be strong and and wise and give especially your teacher the benefit of the doubt. If he crosses the line report him…. to your principal, tell your parents and tell the class mates
If he crosses the line will be too late, don’t you think? Prevention is better than cure
So it means that everyone who went to school with you or lives in your community knows that you are the one writing…, especially saying that you are dating a police man right now… ok.
Sounds like you are not making a public mockery of someone else’s personal problem.
If not, you need to get closure through some counseling and having sex every night is quite normal for the average person.
sounds like you are making a public mockery of someone else.
Bella, this is very good advice and I do appreciate that you looked at the situation not with condemnation and simple comments like ‘take to the lord in prayer and it will be solved’. you seem to be taking the matter from a Human standpoint of understanding, compassion to resolve and I like that.
Yes sir, see how people thrive on these topics.. people all these stories and characters are just fake and make belief.Nothing is true in these statements.All this is staged just to arouse your your interest.trust me on that one.Let us deal with some real issues. What about the roads from Wesley to the air port. both side of the roads are crowded with bushes creating the ideal conditions for accidents.comment on that please.
God is the answer sweetheart no matter how difficult our life may b.e God is always there for us, so u should not give up on him. Look upon the Lord and he’ll give u the answer you deserve and need all in time.
my dear girl, I am so sorry that you were violated in this way , my pray is that God would deliver you if you sincerely seek him. nothing is impossible with him. I hope for your sake you will overcome
Having sex every night does not mean you’re addicted to sex. Your still young though you should take your time and you will find a husband that can keep up with you. Yes you do need someone to talk to a Therapist would be great, no your not crazy just need someone that you can trust, to talk to cause you’re still hurting inside and you need to find a way to get through this.
I have been sexually abused myself even younger than you and it’s not easy and yes am married now and did find someone that can keep up with me.
Sometimes I wonder about these responses. The person says she is addicted and you say no, she just love having sex. So I have a question is it because she is having it with just 1 guy that she is not addicted? Is it that she was not detailed enough to tell you if she was doing or wanted it 3 times a day, 7 days a week except on “red” days? Bear with me am just trying to learn from you. Because in my limited knowledge I would think frequency of doing or want would be a factor in making the determination of being an addicted or addicted. Just saying am no expert! Thanks.
@ JAGOTS
You are on the right track. I find Bella´s response very silly and ill informed about sexual addiction. The young lady knows what´s happening to her. She needs help and very soon before she moves to the next phase of this kind of addiction. This is very serious indeed and we should stop this negative attitude we have when people come on this medium with their problems. She will go from one man to the next and then we ll begin to call her name. We, in Dominica, are quite insensitive to other people´s plight… a bunch of hyppocrites!
I thought when people say they are addicted to something means they want it all the time.
Bella IS DAT ALL U HAVE TO SAY sigh….
I wonder when last you get a good session if you ever had one! if not I would like to correct dat, maybe dats why you sound like is you dat have di problem…….”DNO doe block my comment I due use no bad word dere”
find a man your age. most men your age would have similar sex drive as you
You are saying to this tyroubled 1
“Find a man who is just as addicted and messed up as you are.”
You are encouraging her to keep on fornicating. Don’t you understand this is the very reason she is in the mess she is in? All you are doing is offering her a shovel to dig the pit deeper.
Look at the people who are writing to Bella for advice. Over ninety percent of them would not need to write if they lived by the moral laws of God and the rules He has given us for success in the New Testament.
You are saying to this troubled 17 year old girl:
“Find a man who is just as addicted to sex and as messed up as you are and maybe you’ll be able to satisfy each other.”
You are encouraging her to keep on fornicating. Don’t you understand this is the reason she is in the mess she is in? All you are doing is offering her a shovel to dig the pit deeper.
Look at the people who are writing to Bella for advice. Over ninety percent of them would not need to write if they lived by the moral laws of God and the rules He has given us for success in the New Testament.
Can you not see the common denominator in almost very case?
A few of us offer Bible based Christian advice. Some commentators ridicule us . They say or imply that we are religious fanatics, Bible thumpers, and need to move into the 21 century, etc.
But we are not the ones who are writing to Bella, seeing counselors, going into therapy, checking ourselves into rehab, or committing suicide. We have discovered that Jesus Christ is the physician of troubled minds, the healer of sin sick souls, and the mender of broken lives.
We introduce HIM now to you!
Behold the God-Man! His name is above all names.
Philippians 2:5-11, Acts 2:21, Acts 4:12.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.
Director of Living Hope Ministries: a strictly Bible based, local church oriented outreach of missionary evangelism, soul wining, healing, and deliverance.
http://www.livinghopeministries.ca
See advice.. lol
My dear all i can tell you is pray, pray, pray. There is nothing too hard or too much for God. He will deliver you from the wrath of that rapist and help you to move on and have a great life. I noticed you did not mention whether your bofriend knows that you were abused. If he doesn’t let him know so that two of you can talk about it and maybe he can help you seek counselling.
Hi..Your only way out of this is to surrender your life to Christ, Just as you are with all your wicknesses and hurts. You should not give on God and yourself. No advise or help will do but what God gives. He will deliver you if you ask Him and believe. God knows it all and He is not surprised with what u are going through, He understands you more than you or anyone would understand you. Speak your heart out to Him and tell Him as it is. If we were perfect God would not have sent Jesus. He sent Him because we are not perfect and He is the only way out.
There’s no telling what God can do with a life that is truley committed to Him. Surrender to God, He will deliver you.
Popo just taking advantage as well
As far as I can see, u didn’t attend a secondary education, Get urself educated and u will forget what this rapist did to u. I think u can do better than that
The first step is admitting you have a problem, my dear and you did just that. I will pray for you and urge you to keep the prayers up because even though you said you cannot serve two masters, God still loves you and wants you to come to him. The devil is trying to keep you away. I am so sorry to hear of your rape as a child. That teacher took advantage of your innocence. But you are still a flower. He cannot take grasp of your soul. You seem to be a brave, good young woman. Just keep prayers alive and if you feel to talk to someone go to a trusted confidante either at church or a counselor, and set yourself free.
I don’t believe you have a sex problem because I am just not having enough sex and I love doing it so dam much
you did in school on the desk? 22 yrs ago?
tell dem. it sweet it nice i like it so do you and you and especially you.
Groovy bat too he must tell us. i think groovy did it twice.Lol!
Sad that no mention was made of her pass christian life i your advice.. The source of our strength is Christ, therefore I recommend that you return to your first love Jesus Christ and cast all your cares upon Him for he cares for you like no one else.. Also take some time to pray and ask that God send the right persons in your life who will look to help you and not take advantage of the body God gave you.
It hurt me to hear what is happening to you and I’m human so just imagine how God is feeling and longing for you to reach out to Him for help.
I too was sexually abused by my cousin at a very tender age, less than ten years old. I am now 45 and ever since I have tried hard to put the whole thing behind me. I have not said a word to anyone one. I have become a successful individual, university graduate, married with children. I know that its difficult for some to forego taking into consideration the circumstances. But my people, strive hard in those situations to bring out the best in you. Good luck.
thankx to all for youl advice nd @B.E.B i did attended high school and in 2010 i doubled 3rd form bcus of my situation nd i still graduated last week with honours… thnkx you’ll commens were deeply appreciated..