My “significant other” and I met when we were 16 and it was a total whirlwind of love. He was my first experience being in love and he was the first person who had sex with me. We went back and forth being together and not, throughout the years.
When we were eighteen we got a place together and then things just went from bad to worst. We fought all the time and he began demanding weird sexual positions and role playing, including anal sex. I stoutly refused to give in to those demands and he decided to move out.
We didn’t talk for a while, and when we did finally talk again it was for him to tell me he had found someone else. We had sex one last time then and afterwards I realize I was pregnant for him. Eventually his other relationship ended due to infidelity on both of their parts.
We now have two children. However, as recently as 6 months ago, we broke up again. Now we are living together again; parenting our children together; having sex together; and sharing the same bed.
I don’t know if we’re working things out since it was previously agreed that we would do this and have an “open relationship.”
Is this the right kind of relationship to have? I am stuck and confused. I want the best for the kids, letting them know that they have both parents around. I am confused.
Please help.
Searching and confused.
Dear Searching and Confused,
Relationships are based on love, trust and commitment and I believe you will agree with me when I state that these no longer exist in your relationship and it is time to break this habit that you are clinging to. You need to find someone whom you can love, trust and be committed to and he reciprocates the same to you. You need happiness and stability for your children.
The children cannot be used as a reason to hang onto this unhealthy relationship. Your unhappiness can affect them and cause more harm than good to them. Provide for your children a secure loving environment free of the hostility and negativity of the relationship you are describing. You can both be pillars in the lives of your children, living separate lives in which you are happy and loved.
Bella
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Dear Searching: I can only hope that by now you areaway from this man and into a descent life. But there are many other young womem out there who are torn between what they know is right and what they think they have to do for the good of others. I believe a better life is within the reach of every such person and that is the only reason I write. I am a minister and as such I know the Bible (the Word of God) has the answers. The problem is some of them are not politically correct. They don’t always square with what a non-Christian psychologist or counsel would say. And worse still what the Bible tells us is often NOT what people want to hear. Because the Bible says some things are right and some thing are wrong. If we do what God says is wrong (He calls it sin) we sometimes get into terrible trouble! The Bible tells us we then must make radical changes. So I understand why many people trapped in a prison of their own making refuse Bible’s answers. But Searching, guess what! Those who listen to God and go His way find the exit to their despair and a life that is so full it literlly overflows. Here is the truth. The Bible tells us that sex belongs in marriage between a husband and wife. Sex between two people who are not legally married to each other is a sin the Bible calls fornication. It says “..they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Galatians 5:19-21) Through the years you were sinning with this man. Then it became even worse when you moved in together. He has proven he would not be a fit husband. If he cannot be faithful in a “relationship” how could he be trusted to be faithful to a marriage. He has already betrayed BOTH you and the other woman. Added to this he is not treating you like a lady. Regardess of what a person might think of the activities he has tried to involve you in, no gentleman would try to force a woman to participate in anything she was not comfortable with even if they were married. This is NOT a good atmosphere in which to raise children. To keep them there is a form of child abuse. There is only one right thing to do. When they get older they will know you are not married even though this man is their father. They will pick up his sinful ways and may pursue the same lifestyle. I hope you will take your precious children and leave as soon as possible. Please visit my website http://www.livinghopeministries.ca Click on to the EAGLE COURSE. This book can be read and studied from the screen OR copied free The very firstv lesson will tell youhoiw to receive Christ as your Saviour and begin an exciting new life! Sincerely, Rev. Donasld Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
anonymous u are with a maried man who hav kids and a wife so keep yur comment to yourself
What morally bankrupt practices! It is evil already to fornicate, now child/children are brought into this illegal relationship?
Secondly, why are you using the children? You need to realise that you had that problem since you were 16 thinking you were in a ‘whirlpool/whirlwind’ of love. This is far from the reality. Your eyes were blinded by infatuation and lust which lacks any kind of spirituality.
This is an abominable relationship which I suggest you leave, repent whilst you have life and start fresh.
I do not believe you are a bad person, you’ve made bad choices. When I lash out at fornication, adultery, promiscuity, I am lashing out at the acts, not you the person. Please get out or get some help before your children suffer as a result of the toxic environment.
My girl if you wants whats best for your kids you will teach them to have respect for themselves when they grow up by having respect for yourself. Being in an unhealthy relationship can cause your kids to be abusers when they grow up or allowing themsleves to be abused, it can also cause them to commit suicide or murder. WATCH OUT GIRL WHILST IT’S EARLY! GET THE HELL OUT.
Lady, i personally think there is enough talk on morality on this site. you have all the information you need. People want to ignore God and then come crying. You are not stuck to anything or anyone. You have a free mind and two legs to walk out. You choose to stay.
Imagine. The man not Getting his weird sex position and cannot play his role he would be very happy if youwould get off his life. I’m a man and I knows how it feels. I would like to hear his Side of the story
Right now you need to learn to be without a man and focus on your kids and yourself. You sound like a good woman, and I know your trying to do right by your kids…But, trust me you don`t want to get pregnant with another.
Get yourself together realize your self worth, you can pull through….
That’s some great advice from Bella and the others, hope this woman thinks things through and takes the advice, i myself was in a bad relationship and had to leave for my daughters sake, cuz i could see the negative effect it was having on her. Now her dad and i agree better as friends than we did together in a relationship. I think if i had stayed it would’ve gotten worse. Please lady take the advice that you asked for, you are not helping myself or ur kids by staying.
I BELIEVE THE ONLY REASON YOU STAYING WITH HIM IS BECAUSE HE WAS UR FIRST, 1st love,1st sex,1st man to have a child with and 1st man to move in with…SO I KNOW IT HARD 4 YOU PLUS YOU HEAD HARD , YOU DOH NEED BELLA TO GIVE YOU ADVISE ,YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO BE HAPPY
PLUS I BELIEVE AFTER YOUR KIDS, SEX IS A CORNER STONE IN A RELATIONSHIP
NO MAN WANT A WOMAN DAT IS DEAD INNA BED
I MEAN COME ON YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE SEX EXITING
I TRIED ROLE PLAY ONCE N I NEVER KNEW IT WAS SO GOOD
IF YOU GUYS R GOOD ACTORS, IT REALLY MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU R SOMEONE ELSE
SO THE RELATIONSHIP DOES COMEBACK FRESH
YOU FI TRY IT
For the sake of DNO readers please elaborate on what “role playing” involves. Sounds like it might be exciting!!!
loool ikr!
For the children – this is the line that many women used to excuse their behavior. That line is as selfish as selfish gets. I’m sure that you’ve heard the saying that you can’t have your cake and eat it too – well, confused…. this is exactly that time. You cannot expect to protect your children and be stuck in a relationship where there’s a revolving door. You are inviting more drama and heartache into their lives with all this instability. You are also welcoming all STDS into your house, with that open door policy.
Just so you know – this business of making up, breaking up, moving in and moving out -S bad on the kids. It messes with their emotions, mental and physical state…so, you are currently not protecting them. Housing, Clothing and Shelter are not the only things which you as a parent MUST provide a child … there’s also the emotional and mental part of it. You are supposed to nurtrue and protect your kids as best as you can in all aspect of their lives… so by being in this constant state of flux, you are failing them.
I advise that you do the unselfish thing, and think of your kids first, especially since they are small. Lead by example – fighting, moving in, moving out, bringing different men, women around them is not healthy.
Furthermore, a kid can still have both parents without the parents being in a sexual relationship. You guys could end up being better parents apart than together. Think of the kids and the example you want to lead them by.
Remember that women all over have been raising kids in single households. It may not be the best – but sometimes it’s the best alternative of the two.
think about that!!!!!!
@ Just Giving My Two Cents
If this person resides in Dominica, is there an organization or government department where those who experience such problems can go to for professional advice? They do need professional help and support.
Affairs of the heart – heartaches are not easy to cope with. This is the reason why some women commit suicide. No exception, men as well. The statistics show there are more women who commit suicide specifically when it pertains to affairs of the heart.
Last evening I heard on CNN which was also broadcasted on the local Toronto TV evening news, a woman in her early 20’s was experiencing problems with her boyfriend. She took her three young children and drove into the water. One ten-year old boy, the eldest, managed to escape by pulling down the window of the car. The woman and her other two young children drowned. This is so sad. This is an example what can happen to people when they are in a love triangle, are not able to escape and probably have nowhere to turn to or so they believe.
“My Two Cents, I am not referring to you. However, there are those who offer advice but they should think before they comment. If they offer advice it should be sensible ones which could be adopted and practiced.
People should know the difference. We must be careful what type of advice we give to those who asked for it and are in need of it. In offering them advice, we must be careful not to hurt their feelings and to pierce them with a dagger. They are already hurt. They do not need negative comments, etc.
We must consider that we are not God and may not (always) have the correct answer. We must always think, “What will Jesus say (WWJS)?” If she approached Our Lord and confessed her sins and dilemma to him, he would look upon her with pity, listen attentively to her, no doubt pray for her to His (Our) Heavenly Father, then bless her and tell her go and sin no more.” He would do this with great compassion, knowing the temptations of the world and humanity’s weakness. He would not admonish her and call her derogatory names. Those who do, lack love and compassion and forget themselves. They must keep in mind whatever they do and say to people and about them, God will either bless and grace them or punish them in time. No one escapes His fair and just recompense, one way or the other, as we deserve. It bothers me when I read some comments which are not complimentary ones. Who are we to judge?
This is why Our Lord said: “Judge not that you may not be judged accordingly” and two-fold. He also said: “Let he/she who is without sin caste the first stone.
St. Paul said: “Whatever you do, do it with love.” If people are genuine practicing Christians this is the godly approach they would take as God is observing, hearing and taking note of our words.
There is a religious song which is entitled: “Christ has no feet, body and hands but our own.” We are to be his disciples, body hands and feet as his earthly representatives while he gives us an allotted time to do so.
The lady needs encouragement, not discouragement. She asked for advice, not for admonishment, insults and to be called derogatory names as if they are perfect. If we were in her position, I wonder what would our reaction be? Food for thought.
You lost me since i did not offer “discouragement” as you call it – i basically stated the TRUTH. I wasn’t RUDE or derogatory – i re read my statements, and there’s nothing in there but the truth.My dear, REALITY BITES… that is the truth of her situation – i did not create it…she’s living in it and so i don’t need to sugar coat it.
Not everyone who are in these situations are mentally unstable…some of them are as fine as you and I. She’s stable enough to ask for help and know that the situation is wrong. She’s not asking me to sugar coat my responses and sympathize with her…. she’s asking for help – before she can get help, she has to realise and acknowledge the TRUTH and REALITY of the situation. I did nto name clal and i did not degrade her or call her names. I do not believ in that. I believe that people need to be shaken out of their dream world sometimes… and those who live in reality, are the ones who survive situations.
she is an adult and it’s the kids whom i’m worrying about.
I do not come on here preaching Christianity and all that… i’m not judging i’m offering my opinion based on her facts and her request for assistance….. what is encouragement to you? Is it simply saying leave him, find yourself etc….or does it in in a way that hides behind the truth and tries to ignore the harsh reality.
The harsh reality is that she is in an unstable relationship… breaking up, making up etc…that’s the truth …. she’s knows it and i know it…she just needs to accept it and fix it. I can’t fix it or her, neither can you… so no matter what it’s up to her!!!!!!!
I heard tonight that the U.S. woman who committed suicide by driving her van into the Hudson River, N.Y., had four children. The ten year old escaped, the other three younger ones including her, drowned. It is so sad.
She was young to have four children. I hope I heard correctly that she wss 23 years of age.
God is the judge. I pray He had mercy on her soul. Her children are obviously in the arms of Our Lord Jesus Christ, safe and sound for all eternity – angels.
Life is so precious that we should treasure it, no matter what our problems. All earthly problems are temporary, if only she had the patience and enlightenment to visualize it.
Sometimes we trap ourselves for the sake of our children. I did that once and when I finally decided to leave I realized my child was very unhappy. You can only make your children happy if you are happy and free. There is no happiness in a relationship like this.
Please get out for the children’s sake. But you have to want to and believe this.
There are some women who were in an unhappy marriage and decided to end their marriages, their young children said to them, “You are happier.” Children noted how unhappy their mothers were and now that their parents are separated/divorced their mothers are happier. After all is said and done, the women and children will be happy. Nobody likes to be miserable unless misery loves company.
She will have to decide what she wants in life, stay in this type of relationship or end it, the latter also for the sake of the children, her happiness and peace of mind.
woman please stop using your kids as an excuse to stay in this relationship, they might end up hating you when they are older. This guy is using you like his back up plan. FIND THE STRENGTH MOVE ON FOR YOUR KIDS.
The ONLY being that could have been in the center of what is known as an Open Relationship is hte DEVIL himself. If the relationship is open then guess what.. there isn’t one! Utter rubbish! That’s just free sex. Get out Lady!
With no relationship counselling experience, I must say, it may seem hard for to get out with the kids and with respect as well to the history you share BUT you need to live and be happy… To ensure you’re there to take care of your kids when they need you the most… There was no mention of the role he plays as a father to his children it just sounds like you and him…. So ponder on that and think don’t b blinded by your feelings for him and remain strong in all of this.. I wish you well
Once again Bella has given an excellent advice.
Some of you who comment, if you do, cease calling the man and woman names. It is unloving as you lack compassion. I am emphatically stating that you are no better. Always place yourself in their shoes/position. You never know what situation you will find yourself in. We are all human beings and liable to errors specifically when it pertains to affairs of the heart.
My dear lady, this is not a good relationship to be in. Who knows that soon enough he may decide to turn again to infidelity, if he is not doing so on the side. It does not appear that this man is serious-minded. There were too many “up and downs” and one-sided sexual demands which you were not privy to which damaged the relationship.
It is a big error that some couples decide to stay together for the sake of the children while they are not happy living together. Life is to be enjoyed in happiness and peace. You have a God-given life. Make the most of it; not in a relationship which may bring you no happiness.
I cannot tell you to end your relationship and immediately. As the saying, it is easier said than done. This will not be done overnight. However, you must give it a good thought, including your children and your future.
Do not let the years go by as you age in such a relationship. Those past and lost years can never be regained. Therefore, give this a good thought and most of all, as always, pray to God for His Divine guidance, inspiration and help as you practice the faith and see what God can do. Be patient. God answers prayers in a surprising manner and when we least expect it.
My dear lady, I wish you well and also your children. Ensure that they are well-nurtured and receive all the loving care that they deserve. I wish you well. God bless you!
you knew he was a pig why you go lay back down with him and even bareback too you look for what you get , ‘ Do not stay in relationship for kids sake your unhappiness will be projected on them.
my girl..you are in an “open relationship”..you DO know that means you clearly have low self esteem and the man doesn’t think too much of you..any man who does will not wish to share you.
wake up it’s 2011, you don’t neeeedddd to be in a relationship this unhealthy for the “sake of the kids”..be honest…you are there cuz u are hopingggg he will see you as “the one’..stop using the kids as an excuse..you will only hurt them in the long run. having them grow up in such a disfunctional home…both parents can be great parents to their kids without being in the same unstable home.
& please stop having sex with the guy…he knows he can get sex out of you at any time and no matter how hard you try to play, sex creates more of an emotional bond.
you need to figure out yourself, if not for you but for the sake of the children.
Honey get some back bone, boost up your self esteem and LEAVE, this is TOXIC. leave while its early and dont waste more years in this ship ( not sure its a relationship)
You’re worth much more.
MY DEAR CONFUSED IF STAYING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP IS FOR THE GOOD OF THE CHILDREN AND U ARE NOT HAPPY THEN IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THE CHILDREN. BEING IN A RETIONSHIP IS OVERATED SO MY BEST ADVICE TO IS IS STAY BY YOURSELF TILL YOU FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL MAKE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN HAPPY
I have to agree with Bella. you r in an unhealthy relationship. u should not try and say that u r doing it for the kids. first off kids today r not like they used to be, they are much smarter. the kids can see that u 2 r not happy even though they may not say anything. u and ur”significant other” can go ur seperate ways and still be raising ur children together and both be very happy. he dont need to sleep in the same bed for u to raise ur children. besides, it looks like u to have made a sexual contract…thats what open relationship sounds like (u 2 can have sex with each other any time and still go out n be with some one else) this is also a first class ticket to STDs. do u want to stay with a man “for the kids” just to die/get sick and cant take care of them?
Bella, i must say that’s the best advice anyone can give
, still can’t wait to hear what my DA people gonna say about that one, i even ready to laugh at their comments and all the things they gonna say and the names they gonna call her!!! 
“The children cannot be used as a reason to hang onto this unhealthy relationship. Your unhappiness can affect them and cause more harm than good to them. Provide for your children a secure loving environment free of the hostility and negativity of the relationship you are describing. You can both be pillars in the lives of your children, living separate lives in which you are happy and loved”. This is excellent advice, listen to Bella; and speaking from experience, it is not worth it. My ex husband and i were married for 12 years and after our first and only child we were fighting daily and there was nothing that wouldn’t start an argument.
The children are deeply affected by an unhealthy relationship, they start using terms they hear in arguments and when you do not think they are listening or hurting – they are. Move out and move on. You will be happy for what you children turn out to be for it.