Dear Bella,
I am a 19 year old mature woman. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We have a very good relationship. we share everything. he is very good to me, in other words he is a perfect boyfriend. He takes care of me in all ways possible. We are both employed and living together. We share everything.
Over the new years I found some messages on my boyfriends facebook. he is flirting with other girls. In one of the messages he asked a young lady to have sex. I was so hurt. I immediately confronted him and he confessed to flirting but claims he has never cheated on me.
I cannot see myself living without him. He is my only friend, I have no relationship with my family and he is the only one who is there for me when i need to talk or when I am feeling lonely. He claims he has no interest in other girls, he was just bored when he messaged the young lady since he knew she was interested in him. He even called her and spoke to her in my present clearing up that nothing happened between them. However I am still not sure if he has cheated on me.
I am confused and hurt. I love him a lot and want to be with him but do not want to be with a cheater.
Confused
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Dear Confused,
You need to spend some time jotting down things about you. Who you are: your job/career, your “religious background”, your place in a family- sister, mother…; What you are: this is basically a list of your hobbies- I ride bikes; How you are: how did you end up in the “who” and “what” categories.
This little exercise serves to highlight to you that you were not the only one involved in who you turned out to be in life. There is something wrong when you do not have any friends except for your lover. I do not know the young man’s heart so I cannot say that he does not genuinely love you, however I would deduce that you have positioned yourself as his pity project. You should not have yourself in the situation where he is your only friend. He will stay with you out of pity (if he is fed up with this relationship); he can also connive and have additional relationship and still remain with you because he is sorry for you.
You need to build some healthy friendships and please do not go seeking to make your man’s friends your friends. You need to nurture these new relationships by going out with your friends and visiting their homes and having them visit you. Whether or not your man is cheating on you, that is something beyond your control. What you can do is build up yourself and realize the importance of having friendships around you.
One of the things that I have learnt in life: let your man complement you, not supplement you.
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You need to learn to love yourself first……………..if he still treats you good, and is still good to you, just keep calm and enjoy your relationship……….take Bella’s good advice as well! Nurture healthy and positive relationships
Reply Well said!!!!
men like this cause women to do stupid especially when u hooked on them like that. They cause u to die..not only physically but more specifically they kill u mentally and spiritually.Its time to say ” I love you,i care for you ,but i wont let u kill me ”
If you read within the lines you will notice the problem is not with the man but with the woman herself.obviously she has another man and using you to get rid of her previous man.What a you a remote.sad that unique human made them self cheap.get your man,marry him and live happy ever after
A man at large belongs to any woman who accept him.what is boyfriend and girlfriend,if you live with a man in house he is your common law wife.you should not share a house with a man unless you intend to marry him.love ,trust and respect for each other
sometimes it is good to leave with a man before marriage because then you really see who they truly are before you get married to them
Confused:
This young man obviously thinks it is O.K. to have sex with a woman who is not his wife.
If he would do it with you (you are not his wife) he would do it with another woman (who is not his wife either).
Another way to say it is you should not be surprised if he is fornicating with somebody else. Why? Because he is already fornicating with you.
There is absolutely NO security in these kind of live-in relationships.
This man is getting sex, a cook, and a housekeeper, without putting a ring on your finger and a Mrs. before your name. He is the man who will not buy a loaf of bread because he can get a free slice.
He has an open ended relationship with no legal ties. He can walk out of it at any time. As long as you are with him he is preventing you from meeting somebody you might be proud someday to introduce as your husband.
If he leaves you are damaged goods. Your chance of marrying a good respecable man who would build a secure life with you are much less.
Confused, the best thing you can do is disappear from his life. Get away from him and do not even look back.
Start going to – and spending time in – places where you will meet good and decent people, both men and women. You should consider attending a
friendly evangelical church. Some of them have a youth group with wholesome activities. You are still young enough to be part of that scene. Start by making special friends with one, two, or three ladies about your own age and treat them like sisters.
If you focus on becoming the kind of person a truly good man would want for a wife you will draw that kind of man into your life. As long as you are hanging out in dens of iniquity where people listen to devil music, drink alcohol, and do drugs, all you will meet are hell-hounds.
If you receive Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour and become His disciple you are apt to meet that one special person you will want to be with for life.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Rev what make you think she will find solace in a “friendly evangical church?” Why did you not suggest that she come to your church ? At least you will have at least 1/10 of her earnings coming to you. As I see it :The church preys on women in trouble
Churches do not generally prey upon women in trouble. “Churches” that do are not legitimate churches. They are cults. We warn people against them.
I am not the pastor of a church. I am an evangelist who travels across Canada holding gospel crusades in churches and conducts missions in foreign lands. My wife and I are members of a great church in Brampton, Ontario, Canada that has a congregation of approx. 700 on Sunday mornings. When we am not away preaching for another church in Canada or overseas on a Sunday we are always sitting in our home church in the A.M. and usually in the P.M. Frequently I preach for them in the Sunday A.M. service, but I am not on the staff as a pastor. I preach as an evangelist.
The truth is most of these women in trouble are not “money people”. They are no different than men in trouble: just broken individuals with nothing to offer but their problems.
True pastors are shepherds who reach out to such people.
When they come to the church they usually have nothing to give. You would find pastors give their time freely to help them get their lives back together. Some leave before this happens. Others receive Christ and become faithful Christians. Some of these become workers in the church.
About the 10% you speak of. My wife and I personally give 10% of our income to the church where we are members. Those who attend our churches usually do. Not because we have to. But because we appreciate the Lord Jesus who gave His life for us. Many pastors work for small wages or receive no wages. Some work at another job to support their families. So what you have said is very unkind. You owe an apology to every pastor in your country.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. International Evangelist.
Girl my advice to you is to stop reading them fairy tale stories.there isn’t any perfect guy. Family will always be there for you no matter how long you have not been on good terms…..reconcile and keep your family and friends close by.Run from this relationship IMMEDIATELY
girl a problem you have if is your man that’s your only friend! when you in twaka who you gonna run to? why would you do that, why would you shun yourself from your family. That’s a little immature if you ask me. and you already living with him at 19? i see why you saying you can’t live without him
Your self esteem is very low to think you can’t live without him you are only 19 you have your life and future ahead of you wake up.the next thing you should have never go through his messages a man is going to be a man and if you think that he will never cheat touchscreen a rude awakening remember every man cheats.
@Confused
First of all I don’t normally comment to this news articles, but I am reading that you are heading into “self destruction” in the future–one way or the other– if you continue with the production that is of your mind right now.
In the first place you are too young to be saying that you have no “relationship” with your family; at your age, that is the time most of us really come to appreciate the value our family–meaning mom and dad, brothers and sisters along with the rest of them.
How can you conclude that you have no relationship with such important people in your Life; as it seen as if you are becoming conformed to a relationship with a male companion whom you have only known for two years–you said you are 19 years old.
You claim to be mature, but young lady, I am telling you that you know nothing about maturity right now–if you want to date it is your choice, but do not choose to think that you have found Mr Right–no matter how perfect you claim that he is right now–to the point that you believe that you will not be able to breathe without him.
You did not tell Bella how old he is; and no matter how perfect he may seem to be to you right now–you better be prepared for the day he is going to say to you “I am sorry, but I never promised you a rose garden” so to speak. You, yourself is claiming that he may be cheating on you right now.
Girl I am suggesting that you enjoy your young days; have fun with the boys and girls your age–but please stop the foolishness as you say: “I cannot see myself without him” It is too early to decide that he is for you.
For all you know you may be pushing him too far, until he will be all gone–so what are you going to do then?
hehehew
@lizaver, I agree with you, now adays is cheatters, lairs, mafias and exploiters. One day he will be gone, the cat eat the cheese when it finish it said ALL GONE.
o so u have no relationship with ur fam n friends n he is the only one there for u…relationship no-no my gurl well mr well have u once u see u abandon ur familyship for a man…oo feenee bat…pray tht god rescues u
use ur brain…not your body
Girl you no mature woman…..and you should learn never to invade other peoples privacy…Do you know curiosity kills the cat? may he be innocent or guilty! may you be in love, naïve, big woman or young lady, you are hurting now….If he is for you………… no other will come before you…Matters of the heart is a sensitive issue, being in love is a wonderful feeling, but can also be very painful if we confuse that word LOVE, you should concentrate on enjoying life loving and you…you’ll be just fine with or without him…
What Bella said…!!
i strongly believe that very soon you guys will fall apart. I f he so love you why is he bored to the point to ask a next girl for sex? you need to become “MATURE” .
You a shame cause you contradict your self. You cant have it both ways, in one instance your little boy is deemed “PERFECT” and on the other hand he is allegedly playing the field. It`s a no brainer, both of you lacking, and that bogus blog will only generate RO, RO, cause we like it so” Happy NEW YEAR, wheel and come again.
Bella said it right
you are just an a….
Dear confused,
You’re stuck to one man, no family, no friends, no life? What’s the point of your existence?
Stupes… my girl, he cheating on you! Move on with your life. You’ll get a little gopwel, but so what? best way to get over a man is to be with another man. In no time you’ll forget about him. You’re young, you’ve got lots of “motion in the ocean”. Next thing you’ll say he’s the only man you’ve been with! What a life…
Note well, I am not telling you to go be a whore. But you’re not dead as yet. Waste your time and write to Bella… What do you think your “boyfriend” is doing? I’ll tell you, he’s on facebook having the time of his life… Flirting with other girls… Before you know it he’ll be receiving mysterious calls that he can’t answer in the house; you will never have access to his facebook page again; his phones and other devices will be on lock-down and trust me, he won’t give you his passwords; he’ll be out all night and say he’s with the “guys”
Stay there and rot. 19!?!? Please… You have no idea what love is… I wish I was related to you… I would slap some sense into you…
Only a SALUP would sat the only way 2 get over a man is 2 b with another.!
look like uve been thru it a few times
She has obviously been around the block once too often!
After you sin the first time it is easier next time until there is no sense of right or wrong left.
Sin leaves its mark on the individual. Loss of character, bad reputation, joy is gone, and self esteem pluments. Soon the individual is DAMAGED GOODS for sale under a sign that says REDUCED FOR QUICK SALE, not knowing how they got there.
But this doesn’t have to be the end. There is a Redeemer! According to the Gospel the lost sheep was rescued, the lost coin was rcovered, and the prodical son returned. (Read St. Luke 15!)
People write to Bella when they cannot see any hope in sight. God lets them reach the end of themselves. Then He says, “I’ve been here all the time.”
Some of these “lost souls” will be the church of tomorrow. That is because God specializes in putting lives back together. He is the healer of
broken hearts and the God of new beginnings.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Anytime a man knows that u are fully dependent on him, he will give u a hard fall sooner or later. Especially when he knows that you have nobody but him. You are in for a hard fall my girl.Wise up before too late shall be your call.
Young woman, you are selling yourself short. A woman who lives with a man without being married sends a message to the guy; I do not place high value on myself. If he loves you and value you, he would marry you, then make a life together with you. He is getting all the benefits of marriage, without the responsibility – to your detriment. Guess what will happen the older you get and that 19 year old body changes?
You appear to be needy and dependent and there is a good chance he will get bored with you after awhile. The fact that he is contacting other women for sex is a good indication that he is already getting bored and is getting ready to move on! What will you do when it happens?
You are still young, be independent, stand on your own feet, get a good career, establish proper relationships with family and friends and do not live with anyone without the benefit of marriage. In a small country as Dominica, a less than desirable reputation can follow you for life. There is an old saying “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk free”? Take charge of your life!
Friend with benefits, Sadly! there are many like you, all over.
A woman gives what she has away when she doesn’t think it is worth anthing. Then when it’s gone she has nothing left to barter with and she is literally a left over.
She should know that she is worth a husband who loves her and will be faithful; a partner to build a life with that will include a home and a loving family.
This sense of self worth comes from knowing that she is keeping her life clean and is committed to being a woman of good reputation.
Unfortunately young women coming out of school these days know more about how to avoid getting caught than they do about not doing wrong. They know more about how to entrap a future husband than in being the type of woman a good man would want for a wife. The system is to blame. This is more the fault of governments and school boards than the fault of the graduating students.
Look to God for your guidance. Let His Word be a lamp for your feet and a light to our path. Read your Bible. Commit yourself to obey its commandments and live only by its teachings.
Regardless of your age and no matter where you are in life God wants you to know you CAN let go of past mistakes and become what HE wants you to be. God has an incredible plan for your life and He has not changed His mind. I encourage you to arise and embrace your future!
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostl Evangelist.
So u sending her n get married just to say ‘i’m married’. My dear dont listen to dat crap, get married when u and da RIGHT man decide to get married. not because every cat n dog doing it. take ur time, ure still young but u should look at ur current relationship differently now.
Cats and dogs don’t get married. They just have sex.
We are of a differnt order. The human race is God’s crowning act of creation made in His image and likeness.
Marriage is a unique gift from God so we can experience the sweetness of a lifelong relationship with one special person that grows more precious each passing year.
In our English New Testament the word “fornication” is translated from the Greek word “porneia” which means illicit sexual intercourse. In the broad sense it covers every sexual act that is forbidden by the Creator in the Holy Scriptures. This includes sex between two single people, and adultery where one or both are married to somebody else, along with every type of homosexual activity. The Apostle Paul wrote “…Flee fornication…” in 1 Corinthians 6:6:18. Then he wrote “…to avoid fornication let every man have his own wife, and every woman have her own husband” in 1 Corinthians 7:3.
In this our day many people are living in fornication (and of course other sins) when they could be enjoying the very best life – the abundant life – that God wants for all of us. We are all sinners by nature and need the same blood – the precious blood of Christ – to wash us clean.
Many years ago in a great Oral Roberts tent crusade service I heard Mr. Robert’s soloist Vep Ellis sing a song called “Driftwood” about a young woman who had been rescued from the troubled sea of life. The only words I remember are…
She is just a piece of driftwood,
cast out upon life’s sea.
All she needs is Jesus,
to no longer driftwood be.
This troubled 19 year old girl needs to know that even now in the shadows of her life stands the One with nail prints in His hands waiting to lift her up out of the deep miry clay and set her feet upon the solid Rock!
An unbelieving and deeply troubled world may scoff. But for over 50 years I have travelled and preached this gospel to the nations of the world witnessing first hand the power of the cross to change and transform lives. Again and again we have seen as many as 30 people respond at the close of a single service to receive Christ. I’ve seen people delivered from alcohol, drugs, sexual perversion, and occult practices. Demons crying with loud voices have come out of those who were possessed. Sick bodies have been healed. We’ve had cases where surgery was cancelled after prayer at the order of the doctor. As long as God gives me the health and strength to go forth I want to keep telling the old, old story of Jesus and His love.
Jesus said, “I am the door; by me if any man enter in in he shall be saved,…” (John 10:9)
The Apostle Paul wrote, “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
The Apostle John wrote “…the blood of Jesus Christ, (God’s) Son cleanseth us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7)
God Himself has promised, “…their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.” (Hebrews 10:17)
It’s as easy as A.B.C.
A. ADMIT that you are a sinner and cannot save yourself. Read Romans 3:10,23 and Ephesians 2:8,9.
B. BELIEVE that Christ on the cross fully paid the penalty for your sins by shedding of His blood and dying for you, and rose again the third day. Read 1 Corinthians 15:1-4 AND Romans 1:16.
(C) CALL upon Him in prayer. Thank Jesus for dying on the cross to pay the penalty for all your sins. Tell Him you receive Him NOW as your persnal Savior. Read Romans 10:13. and Revelation 3:20.
You did what God said to do. Now believe HE did what HE promised to do! What does it say in Romans 10:13 will happen if you believe and call upon His name? It says you “shall be saved.”
God said it.
You believe it.
That settles it.
The moment you accept the free gift of salvation it is yours! Read 1 John 5:11,12! Now let God make your life over from the inside out!
Sncerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Imckoy:
This is mature and excellent advice.
You have probably heard the saying, “You can lead a horse to the water but … … … …”
Not every person is going to accept wise counsel but the only thing that will help any of the young people today is the Word of God and the knowledge of how it applies to the most sensitive areas of life.
Let those who know God’s Word and moral code share it at every opportunity. As an evangelist, a father, and grandfather I am burdened for this generation. Others also feel the burden and care the same as I do.
Please continue to speak out.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentcostal Evangelist.
Rev, You need to find better things to do. Trawling through people’s posts and going on and on about make belief books and some alien who created people. These stories were made to make sense of things a long time ago and then to placate children to adere to rules and fear death less- forced unto you to keep you in control and give reason to atrosoties and lies about why those who rule rule and what they do is ok. Remember this is the same religion that said black people were not human not very long ago- things change. Maybe you should try it.
pg:
Thank you for reading my comments and replying to them
However, you are a bit out on a point or three.
You rebuke me for “trolling through other people’s posts”. Is this not what most of the commentators are doing? Is this not exactly what you have done to me?
You make reference to the Holy Scriptures (the Bible) and say things that are incorrect. None of the statements you make about Its contents are true. I would like to help you become better acquainted with the Bible. It would be a great help to you if you would read the book called CREATION written by the late Grant Jeffery, Ph.D. He has a lot to say about this “alien” you imply I teach created people, and how this world of ours came to be.
Also you say a religion taught that black people are not human. Actually I did hear once that some religious people said this. In all my years of study I have not been able to find out who they were.
I have black friends who are ministers of big churches in the USA and throughout the Caribbean. I have preached in their churches. Some of them are more intelligent than I am. Some are better educated. Human? Some of them probably have more “soul” than I do.
You seem to imply that it was my religion. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whoever said this were absolute idiots
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill . International Evangelist
Guess your boyfriend isn’t that perfect after all…
She is now what she has allowed herself to become.
What she needs is to open her heart and life to God and allows Him to change her into the beautiful person she was meant to be.
She thinks this man is the best she can get. At this time of her life she is probably right. But when she surrenders to Christ and experiences the “extreme makeover” she will find the one God has chosen for her.
“Therefore if any person be in Christ, he or she is a new creation: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Mature,your just starting life and you have no connection with your family,this guy is going to leave you hearbroken in time to come.Advance yourself and get out of the relationship,your family should be first.
Confused you will eventually learn to love yourself more than a confusing, judgmental relationship that lacks trust.When this happens you wouldn’t be confused anymore as to what to do. It will just happen and you will wonder why you stayed in this relationship so long. In the meantime if you feel you cannot live without this man then you stay with him but be prepared to accept a co-boss too and perhaps sexually transmitted infections that may come from sleeping around.
Good luck
He is a perfect boyfriend because you are a needy person.
How mature can you be at 19?
I suggest you rekindle your relationship with your family and broaden your cirle of friends. That way you will not be that dependent on that boyfriend to the extent that you feel you cannot live without him.
By his action, it appears that he does not feel the same way about you.
D’accord. Well said.