Dear Bella: I am in this relationship for the past two years with this young lady and we have had a few issues of our own, mostly because she constantly thinks of herself and behaves as though I am not here at all.
The expression of affection on her part is limited. I have tried speaking to her, but without success. Recently I met her at her home in her room with another guy in her underwear, and the guy was lying on her bed. Initially, she told me that she was in town having a drink and though I volunteered to meet her where she was she told me that she was just leaving. Now she says that the guy is just a friend whom she met one month ago, and someone she feels at ease with and confides in him about her personal matters and relationship issues. I saw a few e-mails and text messages on her phone where she sent him pictures of herself and kisses in her correspondences to him.
I do not believe he is just a friend, as if this were so then there would be no need for those lies. Should I move on or hold on as I do not believe that I can trust her anymore?
You know if the guy was gay and you had met them in that position it would be reasonable to say you can trust her, but to walk in on them like that makes you wonder what were they doing prior to you interrupting or what were they planning to do. Sometimes minor incidents happen which are like a preview of a major revelation and we do not take heed until that major incident takes place, and then we say ‘if I had only paid attention.’
She is too casual about the situation and confident that you will stick around too. The infidelity is so in your face; you must really love her to be so tolerant with it. Take some time off from this relationship; tell your girlfriend that things are not working out between you the way you want it too because you share different values. Tell her that you need to get some clarity and if she persists don’t react. Do it for a week or two with no communication- text, phone calls or e-mail. If she tries calling ignore the first few calls and don’t reply any text messages a day after. When you do reply do it with cold answers and no ‘I miss you’ messages. If that kind of behaviour does affect change in her you’ll know if it’s genuine. If she tells you that she’s ready to be serious inquire whether she was intimate with anyone while you were apart.
If you know in your heart that there are too many doubts and the lack of trust will recur and affect the relationship you have to let it go before it gets much more intense. I know two years is a lot of time to spend or waste on someone, but think of it like this you’re not married and I’m sure you will find someone who shares your same values and principles.
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at firstname.lastname@example.org. Dear Bella is published everyday. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.