I am a married woman in my early 30’s. I have been with my husband for about nine years, and we have two wonderful children. My problem is that my husband is lazy. Out of our monthly expense I pay at least 75 percent and my husband is quite contented with that.
I tried talking to him about getting a better job or a part time job but he is very stubborn and don’t want to do anything else. This is putting a huge strain on our marriage and I am to a point where I am ready to tell him to hit the road, because I fell as if I am a single mother.
I no we took a vow for better or for worst but the worst is getting to hard for me to bear. I have been taking care of him for so long I think is time that I start taking care of myself. I have the responsibility of being the mother to our kids as well as the bread winner for the family. Do you think I should kick him out?
P.S. Bloggers help me out here I am just so tired and frustrated.
Sincerely
Tired & frustrated.
Dear tired and frustrated,
It can be frustrating to bear the burden of maintaining the family especially when you have a counterpart to assist. This task should be done in collaboration for the welfare and happiness of all the members of the family.
Your husband’s satisfaction with his contribution to the family may not simply be as a result of laziness. If this is the case, you need to talk to him and help him feel like a man so that he can take control of the affairs of his family. Talking should not involve blaming and accusing, it will only make the situation worse. Counseling can help to uncover the underlying issues.
Having tried counseling and there is no change or even a compromise then that leaves you with no choice but to leave. You cannot be working yourself to death at this age.
That man needs an awakening.
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published Tuesdays and Thursdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
not to give him Dr cat
man have think of being the boos by making the most money in the home and taking care of every thing be a man that’s how I do it
i am in the exact situation, and it is mentally frustrating. its not just about the money but he can hardly keep a conversation or make a joke. never ask me to go out or buy a rose just because; he is satisfied with the one bill he pays. feel like a single woman wearing a wedding ring.
i would like to move on with my life, but keep thinking of our family. feel trap in a relationship.
i feel ur pain miss.
the older he gets, the lazier his a** will be.
if is you that in charge make some rules
1) give him less food to eat…….if he accustom of getting 2 wings; give him one
2) send him to bed the same time with the children
3)give him a curfew
4)hide the remote control
take a family vacation (you, your kids and…err….that’s it)
leave his bottom in the house if is lazy he lazy……….
make sure you teach your son the importance of providing for his family…………
HAHAHAHAHA WHOY 2WINGS-1 WING = 1 U HAVE ME DYING HAHAHHAHA.
WOMAN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lady,be contented,it could be worst,if you can help him seek a better job do so,maybe if he had a better job he wouldn’t have you alone.Don’t leave your husband for that,take it from me,the more money a man makes the higher the changes of being unfaithfull.
MONEY OR NO MONEY THEY UNFAITHFUL. U FORGET IS WOMAN THAT SUPPORTING MAN TO KEEP THEM NOW.
woman of today is all about $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ they don’n care about love . Lord have mercy on men, where is your love woman, money first.
if i was in your position i’ll put him out so long because he’s not making an effect to take his responsibility.and when u look he got next woman while u taking care of him sadddddddddddd
if i was de man i wud give yu four more kids to hold de dominoes. doh pawtoo. mister joking . he should blasay u every nite till u see jah screaming for de neighbors to hear u..
Man like u should be wiped off this earth without a trace. U are wat they call a sorry excuse of a man……JACKASS
No bro no violence. We must learn to tolerate differences of opinions and feelings. She will get what she deserves.
all you doh see pedro saying that because he cannot get woman?
a blow-up doll he checking………….he even give her a name
girl do your 75% and be happy that at least he not abusing you.he has a job maybe not what u expect.he is helping out in other ways maybe not financially but cleaning the yard,cooking sometines,helping the kids is a lot of ways u save money,whereas u may have to hire someone else to do it.
he’s not lazy just comfortable to know he has a capable wife.
count your blessing,it could be worse
Every tub have to sit on its own bottom, every man have to stand on his own two feet. So if you are a bum, you will end up in a slum, cause every tub have to sit on its own bottom, every man have to stand on its own two feet.
I am in the same situation but I love my husband.. he may not be making as much money as I am but he takes care of our child… why would u want to leave ur husband just because he doesn’t make enough money… u might leave him and have regrets… help him find a better paying job or something… u might leave and end up with someone with money that treat u like a dog… when u got married u gave up the I for the us…
I notice the only positive thing the lady says is that she has wonderful children. The rest is very sad and negative and does not hint at any feelings towards her husband. Given her age and when she married, she was quite young perhaps the marriage and relationship has just run its course. If her husband is as useless as she says then tell him to shape up or ship out. However, perhaps she is looking for a way out and just does not know how to go about it and is trying to justify it by concentrating on what she believes is an unfair contribution in the home. She has to be honest with herself, if the relationship is not working she can consider marriage counselling, but ultimately things may have gone too far.
I have been happily married for nearly 40 yrs and you have to realise very early on in a relationship that communication is the key. We are individuals when we come together and good times/bad times are the tests you have to enjoy or overcome together. You have to work at it constantly and it seems to me that this lady does not want to any more, she wants our permission – if that is the case, it would be better for all including the children if she took another path, I would not tell her she is wrong, as I dont know what it is to walk in her shoes. I wish her all the best.
Too lady what gives you the right to post a blog and ask bloggers I you should kick him out? Is this some form of reality TV show for you? Is that why it is all about. I do not want to criticize you cause I am not in your shoes, but the two beautiful children did not get all their traits from you! So he must have good qualities.
And since you sent this to Bella and put this in a public forum; then can you clarify for the “thinking readers” , what employment your husband does? Do you rent/own a home? Who cuts the grass, tales the garbage out etc!!
Most of the comments I have read, have left us puzzled. So please update us if you please and you will get advice!!
Have a Good Friday
this woman needs to get a hold of her self.
Plz get a grip…you should view this as your household income irrespective of where the majority comes from. If it was your husband that was contributing 75% you would have no problem. So plz raise your damn family and just chill out.
Lady – when you at work making 75% of the income for the house – who is taking care of the kids?
Is it not your husband who take care of the kids when you at work?
Does he do household duties when you at work?
He makes less money than you, but he has a job, and you are privileged with a better job – say amen.
Stop being so self centered and old fashion where you think the man must make more money.
Your situation of making more money as a woman is not unique. Before President Obama ran for President when his first book became a best seller – Michelle made tons more money than him; as a state senator he made less than a one hundred thousand while Michelle was making two hundred and eighty six thousand as a hospital lawyer in the private sector – a lot more money!
Wake up to the modern world, STOP calling your husband names like lazy – work with him, love him and be proactively positive instead of NAGGING (I tired talk to him) him – he must be tired of being tired of your poor, negative attitude towards him and the family.
Wake up!
99% of the men dominica are the bread winner for there family so if u full in the 1% that take can of there men u should be a happy woman
So you expect the father to be the mother of the kids then. I don’t understand why if you are paying 75% of the bills that is such a big problem. How do you get to kick him out? Because you pay 75% of the bills then you feel you own everything? You seem like a very selfish person and you probably need to evaluate yourself. In these hard economic times, it is so difficult to find a job, maybe it is just difficult for him to find one. Men do not always have to be the bread winners and it is perfectly fine for you to be the bread winner and a mother. Learn to support your husband. Be lucky you do not have one of those men that simply sit and dont contribute a thing or go running around with how many different women.
Maybe if at the begining you had just step back a little and let him be the man in the family, he would not be ‘lazy’ . Life was and is sweet why not enjoy it? If the man sees that you want to be in control of everything you think he is going to fight (literally saying) you over that? Some of us women tend to be too independent even when we are married
IM AVAILABLE. SAME THING HAPPEN TO A WOMAN SOME TIMES AGO. AND SHE MET ME. WHEN SHE DUMP HER MAN, HE STARTED SPREADING ALL KIND OF RUMOURS ABOUT ME AND DE WOMAN.BUT WHEN SOMEBODY ASKED HIM HOW DID HE USE TO TREAT DE WOMAN HE STAYING SILENT. WELL I NOW HAVE HER AND THINGS GOING GREAT.SHE GOT A GOOD PAYING JOB AND IVE GOT MY OWN THINGS GOING.AND BY DE WAY SHE IS DIVORCED. U CANA BLAME ME
when you lose ur job or something same thing she going to do to you
…..First of all…..we should do our best..never to start something if we can’t finish it…you allow him to develope this habit, believe it or not! I think you encouraged it to an extent…now you’re in the kitchen, and feeling the heat, do what’s best for you and your children/family….those who say to RUN….they are not feeling your heat..and the same goes to those who say to STAY….you should do what’s best for you..sleep over Bellas advice, maybe it’s good..or maybe it’s bad…
The ones giving you advise…they too have their issues…their husbands, Boy friends may be lazier than than yours…but won’t admit the fact….
Do you know the amount of ladies who BUYS men clothe, cell, phone, cars and even more to keep their men!!!!! and still end up alone? so far you did not said that you are not in-love with each other..
Marriage is a puzzle and putting the pieces together can be easy..and at times difficult….
Hang in there….for there are no guarantes that those out there are less lazy….or that they will contribute more financially…nor love you more…remember you have KIDS to consider..
Any thing having is worth fighting for…
u are so true about the part, where wives or ladies buy clothes and material things for their man..just for the man to stay with them.. trust me when a man wants lo leave a relationship, nothing can make him stay.. the same way if he wants to b with the woman nothing can make him leave..
There is a saying; Money can’t buy love!!!!
I am curious as to why she believes that her husband is a lazy man. All she said was that she pays almost 75%. Based on her story, i’m thinking that such is the case because she makes more money. She says that he works, but she ends up paying more.
Well, that’s the first mistake – in a marrigae – it’s not about her and him, it should be about them. And if she is the bigger bread winner, then it would naturally conclude, that she’d be paying more, esp if her spouse doesn’t make alot of money.
One needs to take into consideration whether her spouse can qualify for a better paying job. Getting a job is not easy if one doesn’t have the skills and education, especially in today’s society where so much is on technology. What if the jobs she wants him to get – he doesn’t have the skills and education to do?
Her issue is with being the bread winner, and if that is the case, then society’s double standard is at play. Men have been providing for their families from ever since, so i see no problem with a woman doing the same, especially if the man is working and trying to contirbute.
If he was unemployed and was a bum then i’d understand – but he is WORKING and is contributing something….
But if i know that my husband loves me and is trying and providing with the litttle he can…i’d appreciate it …i’m sure that he is feeling inadequate as a man with her telling him that everytime.
Sometimes, that could be the best which he can do!!!!!!
Well said
throw him out Dominica he from not true???? i find Dominica men to what i don’t no they don’t want to do anything to financially help their ladies you should see when they loving Spanish papa god they will drag on their tongue to find money to give them. Dominica women do not settle for less if you have a man in your life apart from love he should be able to help you financially it his duty . it plain and simple that locals girls don’t worth shit to them but to be in house n be good women
I feel your frustration and the rut you are in right now. I cannot tell you to leave your man or give him ultimatum, that is not my place. What I can tell you is to have a back up plan. Open a Savings account in your name only and even if its just $50.00 a month/week however you can but
do it to secure your unknown future and that of your innocent children. I believe you know your man better than anyone of us. So you and you alone will know if by working yourself to physical and mental exhaustion and frustration then hiding your feelings by plastering a big fake smile all over your face at the end of the day just so that your husband can be a better man, then you have your work cut out for you. We all know that in the past men have been the main breadwinner while the woman is the housewife…(cooking, cleaning, washing, making babies and most times having to juggle that with a full time job) at the end of the day sometimes the man run off with the neighbour’s daughter or the neighbour’s wife whatever… anyway feel free to set up a little nest egg for yourself and your children one that’s in your name only beneficiary your children…o.k. doo doo
The man knows that the bills are not paying by themselves, he knows your contribution and he knows what he is not doing. He is very comfortable and complacent and has no shame in his game
and yes he is taking advantage of your goodness…YES HE IS A LAZY SOB AND DON’T LET ANYBODY GUILT TRIP YOU INTO MAKING YOU FEEL ITS ALL YOUR FAULT SMDH
What is all this sh*t about. If the man was in a higer paying job and was paying most of the bills what would the woman say. It takes two, so if u can afore to pay the bills, just do it and shut up man.
My point exactly. Just look at the number of families that the man is the sole bread winner or is in the higher paying job and pays all of the bills.
When it comes to money “MOST” women have a problem spending it on anything other than themselves.
you are so right. I know of women with higher paying jobs than their husbands who go about boasting about their salaries bla bla bla, buy the most expensive things for themselves but still the husbands are the ones providing for the family with whatever little they have
You have had lots of advice to choose from. This remind me of the Jamaican girl who on her wedding day changed her vows from “until death do us part” to “so teh me fine farlt”.
The only thing I would add is be careful you dont jump from the frying pan into the fire. You would be surprised how many women do this continuously. Some end up with a sweet man who gives them less help that the husband used to give and they are happy to receive it because the man is not the children’s father. But hey, she has to worry about what he does or may do to the children in her presence or absence because he is not their father. Not many women are lucky enough to find good, helpful men when she has children. Oh they might be happy to feast off her, but can be very dodgy when it comes to serious contribution and commitment.
Marriage is supposed to carry some sacred weight with it. Dont abandon it frivorlously. Many men have carried women through life – financially and otherwise. The women did not work outside. But yes, they most likely functioned 24/7 inside the home. But good men did not abandon them or make them feel small because they could not help to pay the bills.
Are you trying to live above your means? This needs a honest answer. It might account for the man’s lackluster in helping you to do that. If the man can help in other ways in addition to paying 25% of the bill, then it might be worth your while and the children’s while to have him around.
Look at your husband’s contribution to other aspects of your life together. Does he help with the children? Does he help enough with the housework? Is he handy around the house doing repairs, keeping the yard clean and so on? Does he help with the cooking? When you are not in a bad mood, is he a good companion? Does he love you? Is he unfaithful?
Clear your mind for a minute and create a checklist of the good characteristics. You may find that he actually contributes much more than money. You may also find that he is lazy in every way.
I know plenty marriages in which the man pays 100% of the expenses and the woman is a housewife. The dice rolls both ways today.
You also need to check yourself. Sometimes we nag so much that we fail to see the neative effect it is having on our spouse. Put on a happier face and this just might encourage him to be a better man.
Look at everything, my friend, before you break up your family.
Come on people, you all are not being very helpful. Before discrediting the young woman, put yourselves in her shoes.
She is in her early 30’s and married for 9 years. 9 or 7 years of talking is A LOT of talking. So telling her to sit and talk makes no sense. I’m sure she’s already sought advice and tried all sorts of things.
After 9 years, the woman KNOWS that she has a lazy man. And she has acknowledged that. It means that her youth has gone into investing her time and money into the relationship and she is just asking for a break.
My dear, we all make mistakes. People get married and then see all types of faults. This apparently is the one your husband has.
It is now time to decide if you can continue to live with it, or, to give the man a final warning and an ultimatum. Your entire life is ahead of you, and if he were thinking in your best interest, his lazy a** would have at least made an effort to start a class or find something better.
After 9 nines years… take a decision and act.
i AGREE WITH U 100%..AFTER 9 YEARS I’M SURE SHE IS TIRED OF TELLING HIM TO FIND A BETTER JOB OR A PARTIME JOB TO HELP WITH THE BILLS..AFTER 9 YEARS HE HAS NOT DONE ANYTHING THAT MEANS HE IS QUITE COMFORTABLE AND HE HAS NO INTENTION OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT..
HE SURE IS A LAZY BUM…AND HE SHOULD BE A SHAME OF HIMSELF.. UR WIFE PAYING 75% OF THE BILLS AND U ARE NOT FEELING NO WAY!!A REAL AMBITIOUS MAN, WOULD BE FRUSTRATED THAT HE IS NOT ABLE TO PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY OR BE THE MAIN BREAD WINNER..
TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT ONE LAST TIME..IF THE SITUATION REMAINS THE SAME, WELL IT’S UP TO U!!1
maybe you need to go back and read the post IDIOT!
“For better or worse but dont not allow him to break your purse”. Kick him out!
The wife never said that he was unemployed. She labeled him as lazy because she was making more money. Honey evaluate his educational level, see what he is qualified for! Is he sending out applications to get a better job? There are a whole bunch of things you have to do to evaluate his intentions.
You making more $$$$ does not make him lazy. Encourage him or find another man!! Life too short
That’s a very good response! These were my exact thoughts – it could be that he does not have the education to get a better paying job! I do not see it as lazy that he has 1 job, or that she makes more $$ than him!!!!! Most lazy men i know – DO NOT WORK, and just bum around!
In today’s society many women bring home the bacon… and make more than their partners. I’m surrounded by it everyday!!!!!!!!!!
It’s funny how as a woman making more money and spending more, the man is lazy! However, when the men make more money and support the working woman, there is hardly that argument.
It’s just a twist on the traditional role – where the woman is now the provider.
Imagine if men start saying 50/50… what would happen?
And if that’s her biggest problem – being the breadwinner, then i suggest that she look for someone who is equal or above her financially.
My thoughts exactly. You want a man that makes more money to support you and the other man children then leave your husband. TRUST ME DEAR THE GRASS ALWAYS LOOKKS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE. The richan will only use you. Years from now If that is the only thing that was wrong, I hope you never regret it!!!
SO TRUE
i am not married but in the future i would like to be and i personly have already wrk too hard taking care of my kids without their dead beat dads to go marry a lazt a** bum where u i got to be pulling most of the weight dont get me wrong i aint got a problem with wrking and maintaining my home but if i am going to do it alone while i am married might as well i do it single and alone than to be feeding another mouth my dear talk to him if he refuse to change do wat is best for u and ur kids u cant say u didnt try to wrk it out life too short to be stressing about a man tha dont give a f***
Tired and frustrated,
I realize that a number of people are asking whether you did not know he was like that before marrying him and, while valid, it does nothing to help your current situation.
Marriage is between two people … so you cannot be in a marriage by yourself. Husbands are supposed to love their wives and vice versa! He is suppose to want to provide for you and his children! He is suppose to want to let you “step back and see what he can do”! He is supposed to be a true life partner to you. Bella gave some good advice. The same way you shared it with Bella, lay on the cards on the table and have an open and heartfelt talk with him. You are not G.I. Jane so don’t try to be. If there ocassions when you think he should handle the situation, don’t be afraid to say, “hey, babe … I’m gonna need you to handle this one” (that may be better than shouting sakwey so and so; you doh seeing that good to do)
If all else fails, remember that YOU and ultimately responsible for your health and well being. Do what is best for you and your family.
We have to remember most people get stressed\depressed when they can’t find a job. If he is accustomed of providing for his family, he should be bothered about being unemployed. Constantly reminding him your the one providing financially will put a strain on the relationship.
Every couple has rough times, maybe this is yours. Don’t leave him, if that’s the only problem you have with him.
He isn’t working, so let him pull his weight at home with the kids, cleaning up etc.
What I realized with men, is that when a woman takes too much of the “manly” rolls, they let her.
But, then you’ll find that same man breaking his back for another woman, who lets him be a man
At some point women have to take responsibility for how our men treat us.
Simply talk to him and say…”Hun, your not working…I can’t do it all. I need your help.” No name calling, no anger, no tears. Trust me he’ll ask what you need him to do.
If this is a problem throughout your relationship then you allowed it. You know your man and you know what you need to do for your happiness.
HE IS employed. She is just not satified with his financial situation….. she most likely makes more money and feels like she is taking care of him. But in any relationship, the person who makes more, will end up contributing more becasuse the lesser one might just not cover all that needs to be covered.
That’s the give and take of being with a partner who doesn’t earn near as much as you do!
Your comment makes the most sense. You are very sensible.
Yes, your right! I read it over, but to avoid situations where the woman feels like she is taking over the man’s roll….she can simply suggest this to her husband
To sit down and run through all there fixed expenses(including children’s expenses)
Then they divide that evenly, each contributing equal amounts into a joint account.
If he doesn’t agree to that then…hmmmm
It’s always a good idea for each person to have an independant acoount as well.
tell him that he’s lazy then threaten his a*s. Tell him u’ll leave him for a man who is not lazy and stick to your word. LOL
The fact is when people are younger, they dont pay attention to the important factors that make a relationship work. People tend to focus more on the physical attributes of a person. In time that wears out and the things that really matter take precedence. That is when they realize they made the wrong choice.
The guy should check with his doctor to see if he is suffering from depression. If it turns out he is just a lazy bum, then throw his a*s out. He will only get worse as he gets older. I know one such person. He has not worked for the last 20 years. He is now in his late sixties. The only reason why his wife stayed with him is becase she gave up on him and threw in the towel.
Before you said I DO didnt you realize that he would put a strain on you down the road? when looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with dont you know financially stable is one of the most important factors?
whatever the reason may be for falling so deeply in love to marry this guy are they not the same?
Too many marriages are breaking up because from the start we fail to properly evaluate our partners to see if they meet the criteria to spend the rest of the life with them.
Bella gave you great advise listen and if it doesnt work then as she said leave. Then take time out before you run to the next available candidate and examine and evaluate ok?
Yes!
Woman Time
Too many of these young men out there think woman have to take care of them. Man have to learn to take responsibility and full fill their purpose as men.. its a shame to see women cannot clap two hands in a house.. she alone have to do all the clapping and still feel sexy at the end of the night eheh is not so man have to learn to face up and take their responsibility and stop sitting back and allowing women to take it for them.
lazy bums..
effective communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
before you married him though was he like this? these are all signs that should have been seen before “I do”..but since it’s already been done makes no sense pointing fingers.
talk to your husband, if nothing changes then do what you feel is the right thing for you and your children.
My Dear….Talk to your husband….Maybe he checking he doing all the work in the bedroom, so the rest is up to you.
darn rite beall so agrred..appropriate
GREAT ADVISE…..