I would not define myself as an individual who would seek help for personal issues, however recently I have been experiencing so many difficulties within a short space of time that I have been left with no alternative.
I am a 23-year-old well educated woman who has been hurt. I have been in three relationships which all ended the exact same way with the young man cheating. The last break-up really left me broken-hearted. I put a lot into that relationship to only get hurt and disappointed once again; it has been months and the hurt is still apparent.
I am not one to point the finger of blame so I will take some responsibility for the break up. But still the hurt is unbearable at certain instances. Why can’t I find a good guy, a serious guy someone willing and able to settle down, a guy who knows how to treat a woman and knows that a relationship is not just all good and sex there is sacrifice and faithfulness, honesty and trust among other inevitability. Sigh!
Right now I am at a stage in my life where I have completely written off men, I mean what is it with men in our society today. Are there no good guys left? I have also been seriously considering becoming a lesbian.
Please help I am immensely hurt and confused.
Confused and Broken-hearted
Dear Confused and Broken-hearted
Becoming a lesbian won’t solve your problem. In fact it may even make matters worst. Rumor has it that lesbian relationships are even more dramatic and brutal than straight ones. But seriously speaking, there are good men out there. Perhaps you just had some real bad luck or you look for the wrong qualities in your quest to find a good man.
You are young. Very young, in fact and Mr. Right will come around, when he does, you will understand the reason why it never worked out with anyone else.
Focus on yourself for now, on furthering your education, seeking a good job and enjoying your youth. Love yourself for a change and before you know it, someone will be loving you too.
Bella
Have a problem? Write to Dear Bella at [email protected]. Dear Bella is published Tuesdays and Thursdays. All letters are subject to editing and the editor has the right to not publish an article if it does not meet the company’s editorial standards. Also, the advice given is not necessarily expert advice, and is basically an opinion, therefore we accept no liability that result from giving any opinion. As such we encourage you to seek the advice of a professional counselor.
I have heard this before – a woman has been hurt by men – now she is thinking of becoming a lesbian. Some actually do! This shows that homosexuality is not something people are born into. Confused, allow me to say a few things I know can help you even if they are difficult to accept. You were in a “relationship” with three men but were you married to them? If you were having sex with three men you were not married to what did that tell them? It told them you were O.K. with having sex with somebody you were not married to! So what if they did skip off and indulge themselves with another woman? You were not married to them any more than the other woman was. You didn’t belong to them any more than she did. Why does a man live with a woman he is not married to? In Jamaica we met a man who told us “I can’t become a Christian because I am not married to the woman I live with.” We asked him why he didn’t marry her. He said, “She is not the kind of woman I would want for a wife.” In these so-called “relationships” there is NO commitment. The men want it to be open ended. The woman should not be surprised when the man either “plays around” or leaves. But you can do better! Take time now to become the type of woman a man you wold be proud to introduce as your husband will be attracted to. Make a few changes. Keep away from the places where the low life hangs out! Go to activities where you will meet young men who uderstand that marriage was God’s idea and it is His only plan for male and female togetherness! It would be a good move to begin attending a Bible believing evangelical church. There you would make new friends. You would also hear good teaching that would help you become an entirely new creation. God will take the broken pieces and make something beautiful out of your life. Personally, I recommend a Pentecostal church. And please … forget the idea of becoming a lesbian. Gay pairs are LESS stable and have more quarrels and domestic violence than straight couples. More important, the Bible forbides that lifestyle. God says it is very sinful. I invite you to visit my website http://www.livinghopeministries.ca Go to the right margin. and click on to the EAGLE COURSE. This 12 Lesson Workbook Manual can be read from the screen OR copied absolutely free. The very first lesson will tell you how you can receive Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour. The following lessons will lead you into a life of blessing, power, and victory! Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
My comments are directed to PNLE: What you have said about BELLA is ot of line. If you disagree with her advice I suggest you take an educated approach. Give her – and us – the reason you disagree. Share the evidence. Those of us who oppose homosexuality are not homophobic. We are informed caring individuals. The Bible forbids homosexuality. Studies show here is a higher rate of alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicide among homosexuals than among hetrosexals and they also have a shorter lifspan. People are not born homosexuals. One or two studies that they thought indicated some people are born homosexuals were done by homosexual scientists who obviously tried too hard. Their studies were found to be flawed. For those who are sincere and want to know the facts about homosexualtyI sugest you read the book HOMOSEXUALITY AND THE POLITICSOF TRUTH by Dr.Jeffery Satinover. Dr. Satinover has practiced psychiatry forver twenty year. He lectured in Yale University and Harvard University. This book can be ordered online from AMAZON. I invite you visit my webite http://www.lvinghopeministries.ca Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
Sorry, I made a mistake. The website address I gave you will not go anywhere because there is a spelling mistake. Here is the correct address. http://www.livinghopeministries.ca Please give it a try. Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Pentecostal Evangelist.
my girl turning lesbian is really not the way to go, lesbians do cheat and u may get hurt again. best thing right now is to get urself together and just do u, u dont anyone to make u happy. just do u…..
Bella i don’t think u r equiped to give advice about gay and lesbian. U r giving out false information about gay and lesbian relationships and one of these days u may lead an impressional person down the wrong path. Someone should look into your qualifications on giving advice. Some of your advice is very scary to me and i can some people taking it to heart. I think u r a serious homo phobe or maybe u r unaware of it. But u need to stop and think, research and hve some life experience before u can give out the type of advice that u do.
call 6129119
Da number look familiar anyway u funny
I think this is stupid talk.. not because u have been hurt by men..you are actually thinking to be a lesbian ,thiss however will not make things any better for you. Take Bella advise .. or do what u was alrdy planning.. it’s ur choice.. #Best of luck !
young lady this is the time to reflect not about the lost relationships or what you did wrong, it is to take stock of you, all the opportunities ahead of you, what you have accomplished and is willing to further accomplish in life, you are 23 enjoy your life ,take time to travel , educate yourself, buy a car invest in property, add to your self worth, give yourself a breather there is nothing wrong with you, when you become committed and find this great relationship you desire you may not have time to enjoy the simplest thing in life which is taking care of you all of you, love yourself, so just chill, being in an emotional relationship right now is the least of your worries
I dunno where Bella does get her info from..but u must read, do research and be factual if u coming here to give people advice..alright..doh say what u heard..say what you KNOW and even your personal experience may help..
23 yr old girl, u know what ur problem may be, take a time out and do an introspection..give yourself some time.just for YOU and u may just see what is the cause..there is no rush at 23..relax urself..enjoy the air u breathe.
stop looking for man, man is not everything in life. some women like to revolve their whole life around men. you had three it did not work mayb thats a sign. You are still young just put man aside and enjoy you life and you will see how easy you will get mr. right.
you want to go and wash plate lol… your problem is the type of men you put yourself with..
girlfriend you need to give yourself some time you are young n well educated…..think about your past relationships work on yourself…maybe u got some attitude that need to be checked out…..kno wat u want in a man… wen u start dateing again be confident be real girl and you will find yourself a real man that will love you and if you can work it he will never think of cheating on you
n not only intimately since some of us think sex going to hold down a good man 
as for the woman ting girl dont waste your time be a respectable young woman….dont you want a family someday….be patient mr rite will come to you
My Dear young lady,
At 23yrs it is hard to have been in three relationships that have failed. I can only say to you to pick yourself up, dust yourself up and pause. Take time to know yourself, fall in love with yourself, do things for yourself find out what makes you happy. Develop a list of all that you would like your future man to have and pray to God for that man and unless he has not come along do not entertain the fake ones. You are young and the world is at your finger tip so, get yourself educated, get a hobby and make new friends. Dominica is a lovely country explore it with good friends, this will take your mind off your hurt. Let me also warn you to avoid going into any relationship at this moment as it is too soon you are hurting and vulnerable take time to heal.’time takes away the pain’. Do not hate men because of this they were made for us and we for them. Parents Train your boys to become gentle men I have been observing men for the past 10 years and it is not a plesant report. My dear pray and wait, people may make fun of you whilst you wait but wait and pray for your ribcage to come along. Another thing when you do meet the one try as much as possible to avoid having sex, but instead learn to be good friends, it is always better to marry your best friend. I hope I was of much help to you I am still waiting after 10 years.
God bless you!
Very good advice there !!!!
There’s “NO MR. RIGHT BELLA” for any relationship. That’s just a misconception held by society today; instead you have to become the right person for the relationship with change and adjustment!
All who think they’ve found Mr. Right are disappointed to find that his first name is Always.
well i left mr wrong and did found mr right were together hve two beautiful kids been together for ten yrs married for seven and still in love and going strong so there are mr rights out there i found mine so she will find hers and you to if you are looking for him..
yu play with dogs yu doh expect to get fleas. yu must not let those abusers use yu and abuse yu.
Much better advice today Bella. Meaning you actually gave advise and not just your judgmental opinion.
It is the height of ignorance and stupidity that a woman who has been rejected by a few men will resort to lesbianism.
Why would you do such a thing? You will never find permanent happiness in such a relationship.
I have heard through the Media that some of those gays and lesbians broke up and divorced. Those relationships could be stormy ones. Their marriage were not authentic in the first place because they are of the same sex. God does not approve and bless such a marriage.
As Bella stated you are still young and you know it. You have a lot of years ahead of you and you will have a lot of experience with men as well.
For your young years you are giving up too quickly.
You are not the only woman who has had such an experience and they survived it. Some of them have had worst experience. They have eventually found a good, sincere man and got married.
Men have also had similar experience with women.
Take your time. Be patient. Educate yourself. Obtain a good job, build your future, meet other men, have some clean fun and do not worry about finding the right man. What is to be will be in time.
I realize that it is difficult to withhold one’s feeling when they believe that they are in love. There are times it is only infatuation, mistaken for love.
Bella has stated in a previous article to tread carefully.
Men are men and some of them will sweet-talk you. At first, just take them with a grain of salt. Let them know if you doubt their words. Do not swallow all what they state. This is when you will get hurt.
Most importantly, do not place your mind and your life on them. Be wise and apply same.
God is the Healer of our ills. If you only seek out men and not God, you will surely fail as many do.
Our Lord said: “Apart from Me you can do nothing. By My Spirit you can do all things.” He also said: “Ask and you shall receive.” If whatever you pray for and it is good for you it will be granted. God does not grant what will harness people and make them unhappy.
Keep God first and foremost in your life and all things will work out for good to those who love God.
May your future experience with men be better ones. God’s blessing and peace be to you. Have faith in God, trust and hope.
lesbians are unfaithful to so, u just need to give every thing time,. they say it is the master of mans destiny
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his Righteousness and ALL other things will be added unto you.
As long as you want to do as you want and use your Fleshy mind then you will not suceed. You need to rest and seek the Almighty Father as he knows your very need and be patient and not do things in your own way even talking about being Lesbo – more recipe for hurt. No wonder many of us are hurt when we decide to go look for boyfriends etc. Keep still and abide in the arms of the Father and he will supply all your needs.
oh nonsense jus say u want to b a lesbo n done wit tht dont come wit all tht story…all u lookin for man tht canna do shit for all u nw all u cryin nonsense
When will women ralize that on meeting a guy they have to tell him what they want in a relationship. After u give him all the goods then expect him to marry u do not work these days. Say i want to get marry in one month and see how he will react. Girls u have to propose.
You don’t become a lesbian because you’re hurt by idiots. You do it because it’s how you were born (unless, of course, you’re bisexual). If you just don’t like how men have treated you up until now, that doesn’t make you a lesbian. If, however, you legitimately are attracted to women, try a relationship with one. Do what feels true to your heart, not what sudden sadness, societal norms, or stupid people tell you to do.
Come to Antigua, you will find a good man here..lol..
@ Antiguan
Really? You are insinuating that all Antiguan men are sincere. Nonsense. Men are men in any part of the world. There are some good ones, not so good ones, some bad ones and some very bad ones.
Women have to be fortunate to find the right man. This also includes men, to find the right woman. People make mistakes. Today, there is very little sincerity in the world.
Are you not aware what is contained in Holy Scriptures? If not, read specifically 2 Timothy 3:1:4 – Dangers of the Last Days. In the event that you are ignorant of this, it should give you an inclination of what is occurring in the world and when it also pertains to affairs of the heart. Those who are disappointed and who are aware of this passage will console themselves.
Hello…….did I say that ALL Antiguan men are sincere?…I think u need to RE-READ MY STATEMENT
@ Antiguan
I read your comment. You read yours. I used the word “insinuation” which means you are implying that they are all good men.
There are good men in Dominica as well. It is a matter of finding them.
If boys were properly nurtured and told to respect women and as they date them, do not lie to them, as they grow up to adulthood, they may just make loving and concerned men and women would not have this type of problem with them.
Young girls as well must be nurtured appropriately and not throw their body around and give in to the first, second and third man who comes around. I do recognize that they could forced to do so.
Let us face it. Is there a young man or adult man who will date a woman without expecting pre-marital sex from her? Answer this question. Be honest.
Girls and women are faced with a predicament. Parents must nurture their boys and girls appropriately.
By the way, even when I was younger, I spent vacation in Antigua. I know some Antiguans. The majority of the younger men whom I knew then and adult men, were very nice and respectable ones.
Generally and this is world wide, young men and adult men of today need to respect girls and women. Period!
i bet there are man u know who is in love with you but you rather all can of fancies u could see.. there are good men of character and class but sometimes is your perception
Bella,
I really thought you were going to put her in touch with the young man who wrote to you recently looking for a serious lady! Hmmm … come on! Do some matching making.
On a serious note, take your time! At 23 the world is your stage. Make the most of your youth and when a good man comes along, you’ll know it!
IKR… I’m still looking Here… DNO should really have a Singles Column for those concerned.
Child, make them work haaarrrd before you give up that punani.
Always tell yourself, easy come easy go.
Men will say whatever and do whatever just to get that poom poom. So be smart.
I disagree, this has nothing to do with the time span the woman gives up herself. Of course it is sad to “give it up” on a one night stand; however, to safeguard oneself the path of marriage should be sought and couples must exercise patience.
Man or woman should not have to “work” for each other. True love comes naturally with patience and spirituality.
@ Muslim_Always
I wished everyone practiced what you stated including your Islam people.
Have you heard and read what recently occurred to a Muslim woman? She went to the U.S. to study and when she returned to her country her husband gorged out both her eyes and badly injured her. Muslim men do not want their wives educated. In Iraq and Afghanistan Alqaeda and Talibans and those who they have recruited for their dirty and evil works have set fire to schools and destroyed them. Women and children were also burned and disfigured.
This morning I heard on the news that she is on her way back to the U.S. and that a doctor stated her eye sight may be restored.
I feel so sorry for her.
Rest assured that she will have to undergo a lot of operations. I hope and pray that in the long run her eye sight and features will be back to normal. Only God knows.
This morning I did not look at her. I turned my face away from the TV as I had seen her previously on TV.
No discrimination here. You may mean well but when you make comments be careful for your comments will be challenged and refuted for obvious reasons.
@ “Truth”
This is my point here…You are simply brainwashed by western media. Your comment simply doesn’t need a response. You are brainwashed by Vatican who prefers to cover up their filth with little boys. Priests cannot marry simple because the church doesn’t want women to get any share of Vatican’s inheritance or monetary rights, it’s pure and simple.
To assert that women cannot be educated under Taliban is a lie. In fact do a little reading about Yvonne Ridley who was a christian, a professional journalist who converted to Islam as a result of the Taliban good treatment to her. You must stop the nonsense as a grown individual. Go to http://www.wikipedia.org and search for the woman, read up!
this young lady need 2 take a moment and seriously think about her situation..cuz really she’s runnin away from her situation.being wit women wont solve her issue becuz even in the lesbian world its a tough competition as well!!!
i can relate but i am taking a break from relationship and i am learning to love my self first before any thing and any one and when the times come someone good will come alone,just take a break don’t fall in love go on dates and be coming a LES I don’t think that the right ANSWER there are more heart broken and lies,cheating and pain so you a young and have your whole life ahead of you it takes time don’t rush good luck mr right will come.
I share the same feelings about men. I have been down that road and recently I found out that the man that I trusted and loved so much had a baby. I only found out unexpectedly when his child was almost a month old. The pain is still there but in the midst of it all I have learned to love myself and keepo on trusting God. Also let me say to all who hurt out there that most times when we go thru these circumstances it is for the best. God is just setting us up for something better but at times we tend to want to have our own way and the whole process begins again. Just hang in there young lady and let God have his way. Don’t be too anxious to get into any relationship. Let yourself heal by loving yourself and depending on God for what is best for you.
i think this was good advice there are good men out there u just have to wait im dominican and my gf is also dominican and she found me not to long ago is just a matter of finding out about people b4 going into a relationship..i wish u all the best but dont b a lesbian
Here’s the funny thing. Since she’s a woman and pondering becoming a lesbian, it’s almost perfectly okay with society, and no one will want to hate her because of it.
Yet however if this was a man pondering becoming gay, he would have to defend himself for his life every time he took a breath.
Yeah its called hypocrisy…
yep thats right @Gaybar
I can definitely relate to what this young lady is feeling.
Lol, when ur 29 and can’t get a decent man i would understand but you are young now is the time of meeting guys knowing the ones you want and the ones you dont.
Bella made this up to redeem herself. she was feeling the backlash from the response she gave the last lesbian poster.
know your place, and stop trying to force your religious views on others!
i think so unno..bella just made up dis story as a remorsal 2 her previous story
In case you are not aware but such relationships are not of God. Just look at what he designed in the beginning….Adam and eve. He saw that man would be lonely and created a woman for him. Look at the make of a man and that of a woman. Can you see how they go into each other. Now look at the make of two women…how can they fit inside each other. Also if it is okay for two women or men to be together…why can’t they have children. Think on those things.
Ps. you’re foolish to think that the only reason for relationships is to have children! Are you saying that a man/woman should not be with someone who is infertile? a woman who is infertile should not have any relationships? what about a man who is sterile? Think on THAT!
you need to learn to use your brain more, and think for yourself instead of regurgitating biblical babble…
hahaha
@ pre-med,
YOU ARE A ANTI-CHRIST,and your white,maybe a klu klux klan member too,who knows your ancesters where a slave trader too,now tell me? you hate god keep it too your self,
Though i feel for the young lady and her pain. As a guy myself i am insulted by her accusation.Yes their are bad apples in every bunch and the same is true to for both man and woman.one however should never blame the entire species for the wrongs of a few. Its like me blaming every single woman for the hurt i have felt by some.The idea that u wanna write off all men because u are hurt by a few, insults the real men that try and do all the same things that you are claiming to want.Have you considered that maybe you looking in all the wrong places.Cause for you to had three relationships and they ALL end the same way. Maybe u should change where u are looking.
As for u being a lesbian, please don’t blame man for that. if this is something you want to do then just as you want a real man.Be a real adult and say you want that cause that’s what u want.
In life one has to do what makes one happy but please don’t blame your choices on man. you have not dated all men so therefore you have to right to blame all men.
“.Cause for you to had three relationships and they ALL end the same way. Maybe u should change where u are looking.”
I think she should start by looking at herself. Three relationships and all ending more or less the same way. Unless these three guys all had the same plan for you…. you need to take a step back and reflect on yourself and what you bring to these relationships.
We young girl like to much ” Preeeeety Boyyys” they treat us bad.Then makes you feel that all guys are the same well it’s not true.
hello,
Bull n U know it,all she need right now is a stiff shot off hennesey,and she’ll straighting her self up,lol,I went trough the same thing with woman and I dont complain,I just keep a distance,and look for the right one,and she have to do the same,
but mean while buy her that bottle of hennesey for her lol,lol,lol
well at least Bella you didn’t tell that one God didn’t make Eve and Evette. so i can clearly say you had a grudge on the last one….humm smh.
Hello Confused and broken hearted. I feel your anguish because I can relate… I am of the opposite sex and perhaps we could commiserate as there are a few of us gentlemen left.
My Friend,
We say sometimes that life is a ‘bitch’ and all men are dogs. But we ladies must ask ourselves, are we in correct relationships. Did we pray about the relationships that we find ourselves in. No we don’t, and we ladies love the men more than we love oursleves and that’s why we constantly get hurt.
Going into the same sex relationship is not pleasing in the eys of the Lord.
My advise to you is find comfort in the Lord, trust in Him. He has someone for you. Wait on the Lord. Develop or strengthen the relationship with your Lord and maker. He will direct your paths.
What’s the difference with lesbian? They don’t fall in love in the first place, it’s all infatuation I mean that’s not how God created us to be in the first place so how can they fall in love? Girl just take your time when it comes to love. Remember the fate of any relationship lies in the hand of the partner who cares the least.
Here we go again! I’m on to you “bella”. “Bella” is obviously making up these stories. Nice choice today, it’s sure to get a lot of hits (but you already knew that, that’s why you made it up). You guys like to try to stir up controversy
Ps.Pre-med:you’re foolish to think that the only reason for relationships is to have children! I am not saying that a man/woman should not be with someone who is infertile? nor am I saying a woman who is infertile should not have any relationships much less for a man who is sterile. People must stop justifying wrong by trying to make their circumstances better. Whoever you are just look at the physical characteristics of a man and a woman. A toltol was designed for a punanni and a punanni for a toltol. If a punanni was designed for a punnani then why do you need a dildo. Think on THAT!
you need to learn to use your brain more, and think for yourself instead of trying to condemn biblical babble…as you stated. You do not need the bible to show you such differences…..duh
lol you sound so silly! I must have struck a nerve.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
@ Heart-broken and confused:
I empathize with you regarding the disappointments you have had with “men” in our society. They must have been an ordeal for you and I hope in time you will heal from these emotional wounds.
Secondly, you mentioned lesbianism as an alternative. My question to you is, how are you so sure that your lesbian mate wouldn’t cheat with another woman or even another man if she is bisexual? Instead of looking at “men” how about realizing that HUMAN beings love as well as hurt each other? In short, does lesbianism guarantee that you will never be hurt again?
Here is my proposal to you miss: How about giving yourself time to heal emotionally; after that, I suggest giving yourself another attempt of a relationship with a man. This time, how about approaching relationships with a different perspective. Firstly, how about looking for a man with virtues; seek spirituality. A relationship built on spirituality generally last a lot longer. Listen to your next partners views on issues regarding life and relationships, examine his behavior towards his family especially his women folk, his friends etc. Do some background check from reliable and trustworthy people who know him to hear their perspective. I believe spirituality is the key that opens many doors and this is the view of many professional marital therapists as well.
I look forward to your response on this column @ broken heart and confused. I wish you long term recovery from your ordeal.
@ Muslim Always:
In My opinion you should have also pointed out to her the merits of becoming a good Muslim woman. One of the more striking characteristics of such a woman includes being able to cope with a man who has more than one woman.
If she seeks genuine spirituality Allah may guide her to the truth. Other things follow after but I appreciate your feedback.
That’s better Bella
Good advice indeed!
and you think a lesbian won’t cheat, lie, break your heart??
keep in mind that women cheat too #nuffsaid
would u like to know me i’m 29 young man and has a good job and i sound like a person i have been lookin for so long.
Wow, good for you, YOU sound like a person YOU’ve been looking for??? PAPA…well nuff said, stop making you anonymous to yourself! Reveal!! lol…
I know you wanted to type “you” but it just sounded funny hahaha
do u want to get to know me better.
@Anonymous,
lol,make sure u walk with that bottle of hennesey,in a nice bag with a nice ribbon,it works,ladies love presents hahah,