EDITOR’S NOTE: TheKSChronicles are the observations and insight of blogger and journalist Kerdisha St.Louis. Each article seeks to invoke a reaction and/or introspection from readers in Dominica and the Diaspora on various thought provoking issues and topics. The column is published every Friday.
This is a discussion that I was recently engaged in with some of my girlfriends. Of course a conversation with a group of women tends to get heated and enthusiastic (especially when there are several glasses of wine involved).
Like any debate there were two sides of the spectrum, there were some who were firmly on the “No” side who believed that a platonic relationship between men and women cannot work, and those who believed “Yes” human beings have the capacity to interact with the opposite sex with nothing developing into a sexual relationship.
Now we’ve all seen this classic TV/movie plot play out on the screen: guy meets girl, guy and girl become best friends, guy develops secret crush on girl, girl gets boyfriend, guy becomes jealous and confesses his feelings, and, finally, girl realizes she’s been in love with guy all along. But does marketing shown to us on the television distort how we view male and female relationships?
Males and females have been living, working, and playing side-by-side since a young age, making it inevitable that they interact with one another.
At school, we start to form our own gender groups where we take an interest in those who act like we do.
It is during puberty that boys and girls start to see each other as potential dating partners because they don’t really know one another as friends.
When we begin to look for friends of the opposite-sex, or cross-sex friendships, we are seeking “chemistry”— or that special “click” we have with someone that causes us to want to spend more time with him or her.
We like how this person makes us feel when we hang out with them, and soon this individual becomes synonymous with fun.
Similarly, these are the qualities we look for in a significant other. So, can men and women really be just friends?
Society tells us if you’re a young, single guy, have all the lady friends you want but if you’re older and/or married/in a committed relationship, tread much more carefully with opposite-sex friendships.
I personally would say that after you get hitched, you shouldn’t have an opposite-sex friend you spend time with without your spouse.
I realize this is an unpopular opinion with some. “I’ve got a great female/male friend I hang out with all the time. My wife/husband doesn’t mind and we both know nothing will ever happen!” they proclaim.
The problem with such proclamations is that they are typically made when one’s marriage is rock solid and going great — your love is so strong that the idea of having romantic feelings for your friend seems utterly outside the realm of possibility, as does the prospect of adultery.
Yet you simply never know what the future will bring. Marriages hit rough spots. When they do, people often turn to their friends for emotional support. If those friends happen to be of the opposite sex, there’s a chance a nurturing hug can turn into something more physical without either party intending it to.
I don’t want to not acknowledge the benefit of opposite-sex friendships as they sometimes lead to fulfilling romantic relationships.
Many solid marriages began from solid friendships.
But keep in mind what the research says about the likelihood of your cross-sex friendship taking this course: it’s far more likely that you’ll develop feelings for her/him that she/he doesn’t reciprocate.
This can often lead to anger and frustration about being friend-zoned- the area of mismatched romantic or sexual expectations between friends.
A 2012 study found in the majority of opposite-sex friendships, there’s at least a low level of attraction.
Men reported more attraction and a stronger desire to date their female friends than women did their male friends. These men were also more likely to overestimate how attracted their platonic female friends were to them, while women underestimated how attractive they were to their male friends.
The researchers noted the more attracted a person was to their platonic friend, the less satisfied they were with their current romantic relationship.
Evolutionarily speaking, the researchers believe our hardwired mating instincts have an effect on whether we can truly be just friends with anyone of the opposite sex.
Men tend to report more attraction to their female friends than women to males because men faced the risk of being shut out, genetically, if they didn’t take “advantage of various reproductive opportunities,”
The attraction men and women develop in cross-sex relationships may also be due to the repeated exposure effect.
In psychology, this is when a person is exposed to another person repeatedly, and begins to let their guard down over time. Their inhibitions begin to disappear and they will start to like the other person.
So, what happens when sexual attraction exists in friendship?
The success of these friendships is contingent on how well both people communicate and respect one another.
Healthy guy-girl friendships need to have barriers that girl-girl and guy-guy friendships do not cross. This barrier is recognized by the comfort zone that neither friend in the friendship is allowed to violate.
There will be men who will struggle to be platonic with their female friends, friends who used to be lovers, and lovers who used to be friends. Then, there are those who wouldn’t think of having sex with their friends, and those who do. Men and women can form great friendships, but the sex part always gets in the way when both partners are physically and sexually attracted to each other.
I look at it this way: sexual attraction is simply an attraction it does not mean it needs to be acted upon.
The idea of falling in love with your long-time best friend is the basis of romance novels, rom-coms, and even fairy tales. They ignite the possibility this can happen to us, but our life is not a scripted storyline. A best friend of the opposite sex really could be just a best friend and nothing more.
In my opinion friendship between men and women is not impossible. However, it does require finding someone with friendship goals matching your own.
Remember, just because we talk to someone of the opposite sex about our pasts, presents and futures, it doesn’t mean we’re meant to be lovers or soul mates. Deep love comes in a variety of forms, including friendships.
Communicating clearly and leaving when there is not a match is key. In opposite-sex friendships, we want someone we can have a conversation with, and to feel a connection without worrying about catching feelings or awkward moments.
Also, if you desire a “just friends” relationship then it may be better to pick only friends who are already in other romantic relationships. That way, you can have a satisfying exchange, a good friend, and no frustration.
I like to Dominica women friends
I do not totally agree with you rev. I am not saying that i am not happy or need to go partying. Obviously your life and mine is different. Church people mainly have church friends but i have learn’t that after 10 years of strong relationship, we all need each other, must enjoy life to the fullest and what one person likes may not be what their partner likes. My marriage is not closed up to what one person thinks or wants. We just compromise with each other and understand what we need,to let out stress and to go on in this world.
Rev, you would not no what something is like if you never experienced it. It is unfitting to give advice in that area.
I am not attracted to my friends, we just have things in common that we share and help each other with. Even tho, persons may be afraid of this and that may happen, how would you know your strenght if you have never been there. I have been there…….and attraction is not an issue for me. As someone earlier said some persons have real…
Nice read!! I have a very good male friend. We love and respect each other very much and enjoy being with each other. I am just afraid sometimes he thinks or feels other things which he will not express; and he will eventually feel uncomfortable being around me. I cherish our friendship so much that I never do anything to compromise what we have.
Real recognise real do you even know why I asked you the question? You see if you did have a mother, sisters, wife ,girlfriend ,daughters, aunts , are you assuming that every one of their male friends is a freind with benefits? Think before you speak ….
This is so easy if you love yourself respect yourself and respect others. Mr. Eel all the goods you done for me the most expensive thing I have is my body and I am going to give it to you. Are you successful and happy? I am also happy I could be of help. Money cannot buy happiness and we don’t have to do anything to regret later. Very thoughtful of you and God bless.
Not everyone has the same mindset, but it takes a strong minded person to fight and defeat his/ her feelings for someone who they are attracted to; l say attracted to because when look at the criteria in which on chooses a friend of the opposite sex, it is always based on their attraction for that person. You hardly ever see these kind of friendship where chemistry of that sort is not evident.
I think this young journalist speaks objectively. It also appears she is fairly well read.
I will continue to read your pieces
However we are really just party friends, not personal and the line is clear. we don’t talk about everything but party and i am not ready to jeopadise my marriage for a few good times.
I do believe man and woman can be just friends. I’ve had friends who had wonderful connection with me but things changed for the worse when feelings came in between. I have had dates and encounters with persons who are attracted to me, but because i didn’t want more than friendship, i told them so and it was understood and we had a good time. Both persons have to be respected for it to work. I am now married and have friends i go out with. I am sure that they appreciate me, but they have met my husband and know that i am already taken and not looking for anything serious. A lot of persons lack and may never experience true frienship with the opposite sex. It is a wonderful and beautiful thing.
Friends are great! Have lots of them. But if you are married please avoid this special one-on-one man woman friendship if you know what I mean.
A man with a good marriage has no need for this kind of relationship. The same applies to a married woman. My wife and I have never needed this kind of friend on the side. We have been married 53 glorious years.
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.
Sincerely. Donald Hill.
This is an excellent common sense article, well thought out and well written.
Personally I see this *friends* relationship as dangerous territory. To be friendly and helpful one to another
is proper especially in the workplace. But beyond that it can evolve into a relationship that could be harmful to your marriage if you are married.
A man who has a good marriage will not need this kind of special female friend. Nor will a woman with a good marriage need this kind of special male friend. Friends are great. Have lots of them! But please avoid this kind of one on one special connection if you know what I mean. I have never needed it. My wife and I have been married for over 50 glorious years
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill.
You want a man to be just friends? Just tell him you pregnant and u not sure who the daddy is.
If they are just friend, You so would not be there to recommend that!!
Clear and precise conditions must be set up front, and any deviation from that shut it down . in my opinion men and women can be platonic friends. Never ask for Tv, Bed, flat screen TV,or the green Backs, and everthing ill be alright. Lovig it! keeping it Real!!
From a male perpective a platonic relationship is not at all possible. It may work in the beginning but at some point if offered or an opportunity arises a man being a man will not refuse.
Unless ofcourse we talking about an ugly @$$ woman that no man in his right mind would get with. Lol
you mean an unattractive woman.
That is bullshit. A man being a man is suppose to have will power. This is the same bullshit real good men have to deal with when there are these kinds of fellas out there portraying themselves to be good men thinking the way you do. Even your last sentence is insulting. Please don’t use the term Man to describe yourself if you’re thinking is a tainted as it is or should I say, please stop accepting an inferior version of yourself.
PS. The only funny thing I about your post i read was your name.
We can be friends.
Friends with benefits.
I might not ask but if offerd i would gladly accept
I have a question for you. Do you have a Mother? Sisters? Daughters? Wife? Girlfriend? Aunts?
Ya i do but that does not change the fact that their male friends want to go with them.
That “relative” talk is over rated, we all did simthing bad to someone at least once in our lives but would not want someone to do the same to us or relatives.
If i had a female friend i grew up with as a sister i MIGHT not want to go with her, but getting a new female friend from high school… I would surely accept.
All bad examples…
If the mindset wont accept it, then it just will not happen.
I expect you have not done well in the relationship department.
Are you married? If so would you want your wife to have a friend with benefits? Do you have a daughter? If so would you recommend this behavior to her? Do you think you are the kind of man an intelligent woman would want for a husband?
But God can change you!
On the cross Christ suffered, bled, and died to fully pay the penalty for your sins, Read Romans 5:6-9. You only need to repent (turn away from your sins) according to Acts 17:30, and trust Him. He has promised to
transform you from the inside out. Listen to His word:
*Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.* (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Sincerely, Rev. Donald Hill. Evangelist.
not everyone has the same mindset as you do, what may work for some may not work for others… Can men and women be just friends? Yes, in my opinion, it works for me idk about others….
I think once you set limits early on in the friendship and you choose respectable friends, it can be done. If you see any naughtiness that you do not want, you speak up quickly and firmly and reassess if this is worth your time/energy. That’s how I do it.
Nonamegal u just running ur mouth. You doh get a male friend yet to make ur cat purr.
I agree. Set limits early. And as said in the article, it helps if that friend is a mutual friend of the couple. Limits will be thought and rethought if an opportunity arises where it can be broken. Just remember…do onto others….