COMMENTARY: Daddy, where are you?

Disclaimer: The views and experiences expressed in this article are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of this publication.

Amongst hundreds of awareness days that clutter the calendar, there is one that I am personally aware of, that being Parental Alienation Awareness Day. My story begins in the British Virgin Islands forty years ago and continues up to the present. [My] children are now approaching middle age and their parents are in old age. However, the time span is relevant because the effects of parental alienation are long-lasting. Moreover, now that my children are adults, what I write cannot be claimed to have ruined their childhood; their childhood has passed. It may however give them pause for thought as adults and enable them to reassess the father they have been indoctrinated to reject.

Parental alienation is the complete separation of a child from a parent. It is deliberately caused, maliciously done, and entirely preventable. This terrible form of child abuse has long-lasting effects for all concerned. Paradoxically, it would appear that the better the alienated parent, the greater the need for the parent that has been granted custody, to eliminate the other from their child’s life.

The term parental alienation had only just been coined when my problems began. There were no books on the subject and no guidance for those expected to advise and judge. The problem was there but not understood. The fight for my children, then aged three, five, and seven, to have access to their father was fought under the most difficult circumstances and has all the ingredients of a blockbuster movie. Other than to attend court hearings, I was forbidden to set foot on the island that was their home, and which had previously been my home. By fighting for a basic human right, I was deemed an undesirable person and a menace to the public good. For a period of five years, I waged my campaign from the cabin of a small boat while sailing from island to island. In those days there were no emails or internet. To communicate I purchased one of the very first cell phones, a device so heavy and cumbersome that it needed its own shoulder bag. On my phone, I would find the poignant message, “Daddy, where are you?”.

There are millions of similar cases worldwide, but mine has the distinction of being one of the worst. My book ‘For the Sake of the Children’ is a personal account of parental alienation from a Caribbean perspective. To relive the trauma of parental alienation by writing about it was not an easy decision to make. Most books on the subject are written from an impersonal professional point of view. My book is taken from life. To have presented my account in any other form would have defeated its objective. That being to forewarn other parents first-hand of the minefield that they may unwittingly step into.

All too often, the court and social services, in their recommendations and subsequent decisions, favour the mother. They thus become enablers in the abuse. In my case, the court process was influenced by my ex-wife’s family connections to the legal profession and political interference. I was a thorn in their side that had to be eliminated.
Although most cases of parental alienation result from the breakup of a marriage, it can also occur within a marriage. For various reasons, one parent can alienate a child against the other.

Furthermore, as an adult, a daughter or son on marrying can be alienated [from] their father or mother by their husband or wife. This scenario is as damaging and distressing as parental alienation in its more recognized form.
Thankfully, the world has moved on since my problems began. In almost every country there are now support groups, pressure groups, and study groups dedicated to coming to terms with this most cruel form of child abuse.

Hence, Parental Alienation Day and my role in getting the message across.

My book For the Sake of the Children can be found at: https://www.studiopublications.org/